I don't really know what exactly I want to talk about, I just ended up being stuck with this heavy feeling which is hard to describe, again... Yesterday, or maybe 2 days ago, I'm bad with time, I ended up thinking about some past things. I ended up feeling worse, so I'll try just talking about that.

...Now I'm sitting here not really knowing what to say because if I directly said what I was talking about, no one who happened to read it would actually be able to follow it completely because it kind of requires the knowledge of other things of my past..alright, new try... And I just noticed, while writing this whole text, that I keep jumping from one thing to the other, even though I didn't even finish one thing, but I find it more important for me to write down what I want, instead of having this perfectly organized and complete.

My childhood was like this. I have 4 siblings, all older then me, 2 of them having a different father. My parents divorced when I was around 5-6 years old, I barely/don't remember that. I didn't mind too much seeing my real father every once in a while, he wasn't that bad, but I didn't actually see him as a father either, I don't know much about him aside from things my mother told me, which isn't a lot of good, but that's not what I was trying to talk about anyway. Now my mother, she had a horrible abusive mother, I think she ended up being pretty unstable in general because of that and always relying on males to a degree which I -think- isn't common or healthy.
She's together with my current stepfather for over 10 years already, I still don't know "who" my stepfather is. I never talked much to him. I never even talked much to my mother, since I never felt like I could trust her. As I said I have 4 siblings, and all of them made the mistake of trusting her, only to be made fun of when they entrust their feelings to her. I've seen her sniffing around in one my siblings rooms just to make fun of them. Although she isn't actually consciously doing bad things, she never abused any of her children, shes just totally untrustworthy and nit-picky most of the time.
I never talked about problems or worries with my siblings either, but we were kind of on good terms during childhood. When they grew up, they all changed a lot though, since they all had friends and things like that. They started to become people I don't want to know anymore and I just very rarely talk to one of my sisters nowadays, on phone, although I don't like her, she doesn't bother me like others either.
My real father has no understanding at all and is insulting and respectless to everyone who is "different".
...
I was always very afraid as a child. After we moved again (yeah, I didn't even mention the first time, but whatever), At my new school, I was bullied or picked on a lot, when I in up to 4th or 5th grade, people would pull down my trousers, call me names, sometimes push me around. I only had females "friends" back then, I didn't actually know any of them a lot either though. Because all the boys were either bullies or just didn't approach me at all.
Teachers and parents made me repeat the 4th grade, because of that. (after the 5th grade, people were sent to different schools based on "performance")
Which as I expected just means that I'll just get taken away from people I got used to. Just a new class with new bullies and this time no one I can stick to.
There was this teacher who always made me panic because he always flipped out over everything. I was always afraid about forgetting to bring, for example, my brush for art classes. I still forgot it a lot, he flipped out, with rage in his face and people making fun of me because of it. He did that not just to me, he actually was fired at some point because of it.
Also maybe worth mentioning, My parents and teachers all knew I was bullied (though no one knew how much, or how much it hurt me). There were a lot of phone calls being made all the time, across teachers, my parents and parents of bullies, but it never did anything for 1-2 days maybe, then it was back to normal, always...And at home... my parents were always fighting, my stepfather had to go to jail 1 or 2 times for a few month I think, probably not longer then a year, really unsure about the time.

Possible trigger:

Our landlords poisoned our cat because they were mad that my parents were always behind with the rent...And the house we were living in was scary beyond imagination, but it's probably not a good idea to talk about creepy ghosts now...
We had this cat I actually cared about a lot, but she died because she was sick. It made her have diarrhea constantly too, and honestly I started being scared sleeping next to her because of that, she really couldn't control it.. I ended up regretting that though, because the last thing I remember from her was that she wanted to sleep on me, but I turned her away and then she died... that really made me feel bad, even now, it actually makes me cry, she was the only being I ever cared about, even if I was still a child, I feel like it meant a lot to me...

Bullying continued in different forms during all of my schooltime. A lot of things, it was too much for me. I ended up knowing someone starting at, I think 6th grade, I started to be with him during schooltime, just because I felt a little safer, less bullies picking on me/us.

Possible trigger:

I cut myself for a relatively short time. I ended up being a "monster" to most people, if they knew me.
When I was around 7+, I killed some animals. Mostly just frogs and small things like that, 2 birds too. Sometimes I feel kind of bad about not feeling bad about about that, if that makes sense... I saw someone getting a broken arm once, and everyone was shocked, while I had to hold back a smile, I didn't even hate that person. I sometimes hoped that bullies would stop throwing spit-paper balls at me and instead make it so I can really hurt them instead without punishment...I'm sadistic and still hold grudges, thinking if I were to do something to them now, when they (hopefully) grew out of the bullying, it would only be fair, because I never asked to be bullied either...I'm kind of just mixing whatever is on my mind right now, this was actually during .. sometimes after 5th grade 5-10...

I had a lot of tooth problems when I was a bit younger, I think I was 10...or 9... or 11. One of my back tooth was just completely destroyed... it started having an inflammation, which got so bad that I didn't do anything at all anymore and got fever, at which point my mother forced me to go to a dentist, but she only got a fast appointment at one who had a really bad reputation.
so they injected me and waited a few minutes...and asked me if I still feel anything, and I said that I do, and that it didn't do anything at all, which they claimed to not believe me. Well and

Possible trigger:

then they broke that teeth into 3 or 4 parts without working injection (Later, I've been told that it's normal for injections to do nothing during heavy inflammations, because of pus blocking the...something...) .I did struggle to get away and begged my mother to do something before they started... they ended up holding me down with 3 people and I'm really not usually disobedient, I just knew it would hurt a lot, and it did, and it took 2 hours. They kept prying open my eyes and told me to look at... something, I forgot. Later I found out that it's a common thing people used to do during tortures, to prevent people from "wandering off" and also to see if the eyes roll back, because that means they're close to passing out...that... I know I just said something weird, didn't I? I bet most people wouldn't believe me that they did that on purpose...They didn't even treat my wound properly.
on our way home, my parents had to stop the car a lot because my mouth quickly filled itself with blood... and I couldn't swallow all of it. They made me pour it outside the car, on the pavement, though I din't really have the time to be embarrased about it anyway. It still bled a lot after. I just laid there apathetically for weeks, which was probably because of the blood loss and pain. I couldn't sleep for a long time. I slept like a few minutes most of the time I managed to fall sleep, before waking up...I don't even remember how I didn't starve. During that time I had a pillow though, I was attached to it, even more so after that... but my parents wouldn't let me keep it because it was full of dried blood.

I feel bad about the fact that no one really cared.
When we were at home just after the dentist visit, one of my sisters asked my mother why I'm being weird. My mother said she doesn't know, or that I'm not. Something belittling like that. That was as much understanding as I got from anyone back then. Everyone was still doing what they always did, it just felt kind of pointless...I didn't even get a break from school (well, maybe a few days actually), because it happened at the start of those really long holidays, I'm not sure if people from other countries have such long holidays too, or if it's just germany.
And at some point we moved again, and for the third time we had troubles with our landlord, this time my mother had an affair with him and he was being a creepy stalker that hid those things in our home with which he could hear what we were talking about... and... other stuff I'd rather not talk about, even though I already did mention some weird things. He ended up trying to really get us into trouble with the police by making it look like we did something, which luckily failed... but still stressed me out a lot because I already had a police-phobia from past events... near the end of that, he lighted our garage on fire at night, thinking noone was at home because he knew my parents planned to go somewhere...oh and some people from my school threw rocks trough our windows at that time. But I already didn't care anymore at that point... I just saw the fire next to our house, my stepfather was dealing with it, I was like "meh" and went back to my room, calmly watching tv, knowing that the exit wont be blocked in case the fire spreads too much.
...
Well, and then school was over at some point. I actually stopped skipping school so much because I...I'd like to say I have a lot of discipline, but I think I just ended up being too scared to do it because every time I did it, people would just keep talking about it in bad way. I ended up going to school even when I was genuinely sick, instead of having..I actually ended up looking it up, 45 missing days is my record in missing days. I often had stomach aches and had to vomit for no good reason aside from stress, I think. One teacher thought my (mean looking) stepfather would abuse me.. I told my parents that, not thinking, then that teacher continued to contribute to making me feel worse... and sometimes people would steal something from the school and return it after a few days, anonymously. Unless I didn't come to school, then those stolen items were mysteriously found under my table, with some naive teachers thinking I really did it, because all the other pupils always study, and if you study, that means you don't do mean things.. I really hold grudges for long, it would be nice if something happened to them...Sometimes I feel like there's nothing but emptiness, hate, disgust, unhappiness, fear and whatever else I forgot to mention, in my life...but, I actually sometimes don't feel that horribly bad. And I can distract myself, too... But it really doesn't take much to get me caught up in a train of thoughts like this. Someone just reminded me of that event I mentioned earlier where someone got their arm broken, but I was currently more in a mood for "being close"... I actually started to change a bit in the past 1-2 years. I used to not even want to have anything to do with being close to anyone at all...but I can't stand the loneliness, I feel like if I don't start doing "something", then I'm bound to be one of the people who just die... alone...At the moment of my death, I want to be alone...I want to be alone, physically, I don't want to have anyone around. I can't care about just anyone.
So I'm kind of stuck now, do people "like me" exist? That's my goal, finding someone similar, see if I can care about someone if they are similar...I don't even know if it will work though, it would be kind of bad if I did find someone similar, and then it turns out I don't care about them either. That is pretty much why I started looking around on this forum in the first place.
I see it like this, I need to do something now/soon. Because I've already lived long enough to not even try, and it led to nothing. I don't care if anyone I currently knows dies, aside from loosing someone to play with... I'm awful, it's a bit funny...I just thought that maybe if everyone died, I'd actually feel more pressed to find someone important to me, and there would be more chance of success if I put more efforts into it.
...Really, can anyone tell me "how" to even properly start looking for someone similar? I feel like this is not the way to do it...
I'm not actually looking for people to encourage me or to tell me to stop living isolated like I do now.
I want to try caring about someone and being cared about, that's the only thing left which I can imagine making me feel better long-term.
It sounds kind of cheesy and maybe I'm idealizing it a bit, but maybe I just need some love and I wouldn't mind dying a happy death. Someone who like me won't ever live a "normal" life and has a lot of time. Doesn't know a lot of people and likes to talk to me...Someone who enjoys talking to me is something I can't even imagine online. I've met people who like to listen to me, but generally people never talk to me on their own about actually important things. And I'm not talking about sexuality-based love.
There, done. Only took me a few hours to write...Why it took me this long? I don't know.

[curley]

Hi Don't Want....I am so sad for you. I have to admit, I had some similar experiences with my mother. She loved to ridicule, make fun of me and hit me too! My sister did not have it quite as bad but we have not got any good memories of our mother, and few of our father.
Got to let you know I have turned out to be secure about myself, or confident I should say and I am a giving an loving person. None of which I can say I got from my parents. I was fortunate to have grandparents that adored me and some really good friends.
Being bullied everyday has got to make you sick inside. I can not imagine the pain you have felt.
From what you wrote I am thinking you still have the courage to trust if you find someone worth trusting or opening up to. I hope that is true. It may be your only way into a loving and peaceful life, family etc.
I hurt reading your post and don't have much to say about all you have gone through except like I said you sound like you have courage, and confidence.
I hope you do and I really wish you the very best. If you ever need to talk you can send me a private message and I will be glad to answer you back. Hold your head up high!!! Know how great you are!!!

Did I sound like I have courage and confidence?
I feel more like I'm just trying something new out of desperation, not like I have anything to loose here and I know worse things than possible negative replies I could receive here on a forum, so there's barely any use in holding back unless I feel too ashamed of something.

That aside, I'm not sure how to say this, but it's good that I received an understanding reply. I expected to either not get a reply at all or just receive some hate-replies, which would have been fine because I keep feeling like everyone would hate me if they knew a bit about me. I'm curious if it's really like that or if its a baseless thought I think as a result of my past.

It may be your only way into a loving and peaceful life, family etc.

...I actually don't feel like I want a family, things like that would be way too much for me to handle and I need my distance too, a lot of it at times, even online. I can just barely take care of myself. I'm actually not sure what it is I need or want, thinking about it... it's a bit depressing and I feel like it's just impossible with my personality to lead an acceptable life.
Honestly I have no idea what to actually do that might be good for me. And I'm really not one to get into the whole clinic and medication stuff.

[curley]

Hey Don't, I am really proud of you for dealing with life. I know many people need meds etc, but there are also many who are not willing to deal with what life hands them and it is easier to get on meds.
You are right I do not know you, but from what you have written I think you are real. I see someone who has for many reasons had to deal with a lot of (excuse my language) crap that insecure and mean people have thrown your way.
You said you wanted to find someone similar, someone that cares. Well, I cant not tell you not to isolate, but obviously you will not meet anyone that way. But if you meet other people that are mean, walk away and don't look back. There are plenty of jerks in the world that get off treating others badly. You don't need that type in your life! Maybe some counseling sessions can help you discover who you really are and what you need and want. When I was a teenager a million years ago I went to counseling because I thought there was something wrong with me. My mom was mentally abusive and a real B. I went for about 6 months and discovered it was her problem, not mine. And since then I have stayed away from people that did not appreciate me for me, because I am a good person and proud of who I am.
You really need to hold your head up high and know how great you are!

[curley]

OMG Don't, there are places in your text that say triggers and I pressed on one and read about your cat. Sounds Like you hold things like I do and never forget. I have things that I have done that haunt me and I wish I could tell you how to get over them. It is difficult. But we have done what we have done and just have to try to forget and never let those type of things happen again. I am beyond an animal lover. I think some of the best people I have ever known have been cats and dogs, if that makes sense to you.
I also read other things you wrote about hurting defenseless creatures. I think you know I think that is awful. It is worse than awful and it will never ever ever make you feel better or help you in any way! It will just give you more to regret and dislike yourself over! I hope you realize this!