[Melkly]

Possible trigger:

TW: rape
A coworker brought me out for drinks, drugged me, and raped me. My I've moved past it, but my boyfriend has not. Read below for more information.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 11 months now.

Things were fine considering it was a long distance bilingual realtionship. His job requires him to be away from home 5 days a week and I love my alone time so things there are great.

The first 5 months of our relationship was what movies were made out of, and then I got raped. It really sucked but I dealt with it better then my boyfriend. I know I was a victim, and I talked it out. There was nothing I could have changed or done differently because that is what happens when a friends drugs you at a bar. It really sucks, but I am not lingering there. I am more worried about my boyfriend.

He was extremely angry all the time. When we would drink on the weekends he would go too far and would start saying things like how he wants to find this [insert any colourful language you want] and to kill him, or murder him, and sometimes he would go into great details on this. I told him that it was natural to feel this way, but he needs to let the anger go.

He got so paranoid one night when I was hanging out with his friend that he started telling me how no man is safe, and lost it. I clued in that maybe my rape had affected him greater than I could have thought. He scared me one night, so badly that during the verbal argument I found myself backing away from him and into the closet. He realized how scared I was and backed off, hands where I could see them, and backing away. He didn't try and touch me during or after the fight and waited for me to come to him. Since then we took a week off of work and had some tough conversations.

Now after that, our sex life has changed. He keeps loosing his erection, will often over exert himself until I am bored and he is all sweaty(which is a major turn off for me). We went from twice daily to maybe once every two or three days. I know it isn't my fault and it is all in his head, but I don't know what to do to help him further. He doesn't think I have noticed this, and I am not sure what to do or say to talk about this.

Is there an appropriate way to talk to him about this?

Hello, Mel and welcome to the forum . First and foremost, let me start off by saying that you are one strong woman! You've been through something so painful and heart-breaking,and yet here you are. You're strong, positive, and you're doing your best to live a full life. Good on you, hun!!

Second, I could be very wrong about this, but I think your boyfriend's anger can be attributed to two factors: (1) He's angry at the man that hurt you, and (2) He's angry at himself for not being there to protect you.

I think he blames himself, and probably feels like he failed you by not being there that night. Take this for example:
"He got so paranoid one night when I was hanging out with his friend that he started telling me how no man is safe, and lost it"
In his head, he's trying to protect you now,and make up for not being able to protect you then.

His anger at the person that hurt you is understandable, and self explanatory. That man hurt the woman your boyfriend loves. He does love you. It's clear in the way he responded when he realised he scared you and made you back away into teh cupboard.

It would be best to talk to him. Let me know that you have move passed it and that you're doing the best you can to make the most of the life ahead of you. Let me know that you don't blame him nor are you upset with him for not being there. You're letting it all go. He needs to forgive himself, too. Talk it out. Perhaps, some couple counselling will help you both.

Take care and good luck. I hope it turns out well for you both.

I really liked what Yezeena had to say (above). He is feeling responsibility for having been unable to prevent this. He is feeling shame - not in you! - but that he was unable to protect you. One plus the other is where his anger comes from. He needs 'permission' to have these feelings I think.

I am so pleased Melkly that you are taking your own steps to acknowledge and start dealing with what happened. That so very much comes to me as a relief (the same happened 30 years ago to me.

As for the deterioration in your sex life. This is perfectly normal. He doesn't want to emotionally hurt you, he doesn't want to remind you of what happened. Sex is something he CAN control and this likely subconsciously is making him withdraw from you. Again, give him 'permission' to feel this way.

When it also comes to sex, I am considering your own side of things. Is it possible you are trying to demonstrate to him - and yourself - you are perfectly okay?

Regardless, this will take you both sometime to heal. Continue to support one another and things may heal.