[henrydavidtherobot]

I’m feeling like the world is against me. As an eccentric liberal activist, my family always makes jokes about me. My stepmom alienates me in my dad’s house and criticized me for talking too much.

I moved to a major US city from China last year. I’ve been unable to get medication for my illnesses since my state cut off a ton of funding for mental health, so I’ve been put on year long waiting lists to get medicine. I was even hospitalized for a severe depressive episode in August. I was suffering with suicidal ideation, uncontrollable crying, and self-injury.

I’ve been doing a lot better. I’m in love with a wonderful person I may want to spend my life with. He’s very supportive. I’m trying to focus on my job as college instructor and applying for graduate school. If we are still going strong, I won’t go to grad school too far away, I won’t ever get to live abroad again, and I’ll acquire his student loans. This is all worth it to me.

However, his parents who have never met me are controlling and awful. They give him guilt trips all the time for living out of state. I wore a revealing costume for Halloween and took a picture with him and posted it online. His grandma shamed him and said he’s better than that (those she’s too cowardly to say what “that” is when asked) and his dad called him in the middle of the night and demanded he untag him. Since they’re strict Catholics, he can’t be honest with them about the seriousness of our relationship. Despite having dated for only 6 months, we’ve decided that we want to spend our lives together and will work towards building a stronger relationship. He hasn’t told him about the fact that I stay with him every night and that we’re planning on moving in together in 6 months.

They demand tons of time from him, which I’m not used to because my parents are very respectful of my time and independence. They fly him out of state during every break he has at school and every holiday. Despite him asking them not to, they booked his Christmas flight for every single day of Christmas break, so I couldn’t see my boyfriend for three weeks. Since it’s important to me and since dealing with that was affecting our relationship and my mental health, I told him that I was losing faith in the relationship and didn’t want to be in a relationship where my BF ignores my needs just to appease his parents.

He’s talked them in changing the flight (I now get two days, even though we asked for five). However, now they’re being emotionally manipulative and mean. His mother decided to cancel her annual Christmas party (five days before Christmas) because he can’t make it. He’s been accused of choosing someone he’s known for five months over his family (reminder: I get two days). Now, his entire family, which he says includes his parents, grandparents, sister, and teenage brother, are furious with him and hate me. I’ve never met these people.

I’m furious because no one, save for my bf, is considering my feelings or taking me seriously. I was initially invited to Christmas, but they didn’t want to pay for me. My mom offered, but I don’t want to be around people who are rude to me, so I’m visiting friends over break instead. I don’t understand how these people can be so selfish and be so disrespectful.

I refuse to let this situation make me feel guilty because I’m not responsible for the actions of inconsiderate humans who don’t know me. I feel awful for my poor bf, though.

To top it all off, his roommates are annoyed that I’ve been staying with him and it seems like they want to “talk about stuff”, even though I buy them household supplies, clean the bathroom, and bake them cookies. They treat me like I don’t exist, despite efforts to establish friendships with them. He can’t stay with me because I have noisy roommates that keep us up, despite the fact that we’re professionals.

I’m trying to focus on the good, and there is a LOT of good, but I feel like the steps I take to better myself and build an adult life keep being met with unnecessary drama. I’m very angry and emotional.

Update, as I’ve been writing this, his mother now wants to fly me to Florida for the weekend I’m now supposed to have with him. I appreciate the offer, but idk what I should do. I’m very uncomfortable with them and won’t be able to spend time alone with my bf. Also, I give my final exams right before that and have to work Monday and am worried about risking a flight delay.

I told him that I’ll have to think about it. He’s now mad at me for being difficult.

ADVICE PLEASE

Oh man. I'm sorry you're going through this.

First off, I would not go to Florida. Warning bells went off in my head as soon as I read that and I'm not even a part of the situation, haha.

Here's my take on it as a completely impartial (blunt) third party: His family is incredibly controlling and involved in his life, and that will never, ever change. Not now, and not after you marry him. I don't think that, if they've formed such a strong opinion of you before having met you, they will change their opinion much after meeting you and that has nothing to do with you personally--they seem to view you as an intruder/usurper who is taking a bit of control from them, and they are reacting against that, not you.

I think you need to decide whether you are willing to take all of that drama and headache on for the rest of your life. I am not currently in a relationship so it is easy for me to say that there is no one who is worth my peace of mind, certainly not for the rest of my life. I have been in a relationship that hurt my mental state to the point where I ended up hospitalized. Having been there, I will not be part of a relationship again which compromises my mental health, and I would advocate for you to put your health and sanity first no matter how important this person is to you. You are the most important person to you--it makes life simpler to remember that. Besides, if you're not in a good state, you can't be a good partner.

Lastly, I think it is incredibly unfair that he doesn't seem to be standing up for you. I'm hearing you say that he considers your feelings, and I understand that these people are his family, but when they are being so awful and disrespectful, there has to be a point at which he says something to the effect of, "Enough. This is the person I have chosen and love. That is my opinion, you may keep yours to yourself." I may be wrong but instead, it seems as though he is attempting to appease them. I know I'm not you, but I don't think I would be okay with that, especially knowing that it would always be this way. At some point, he has to put his foot down with his family.

That's my take on it.

Edit: I come from a Catholic family as well. We're not about public shaming over revealing outfits. That isn't a Catholic thing, it's a nastiness thing.

[henrydavidtherobot]

Thank you, Ruari.

You made a lot of good points and made me think. I decided NOT to go to Florida when I told him that I have to think about it and he got nasty and snarky with me in a way I've never seen him act (I think he's getting brainwashed).

I'm willing to accept the headache if I see him standing up for. If not, i'll move on.

Btw, I laughed out loud about the public shaming thing.

[unaluna]

Does flying you to Florida for the weekend enable the mother to carry on with her annual Christmas party? So its not really about you, its about the party. if it is okay with the college that you get your grades in remotely if necessary (ie if there is indeed a flight delay) then i would not turn down a trip to florida, but thats just me! Just as long as it doesnt jeopardize your job. Cuz they are not thinking about you - you need to think about you.

I would see about getting a white noise machine for your room, rather than always staying at the boys' place. Until you can get a place of your own. Its not really fair to either set of roommates to have to deal with a "loving couple" on a regular basis - or even an extra roommate that they didnt bargain for.

I hope you get your meds soon. Have you tried contacting the companies directly? Sometimes they have programs to provide people with low or no cost meds for a period of time.

At any rate, good to hear from you again

[henrydavidtherobot]

I would literally be in Florida from Saturday afternoon until Sunday afternoon. His mom can have the party without him, she just doesn't want to. The point is that I want to spend time alone with him. We're both very busy people. On top of grading, I physically have to be at school at 9 AM Monday morning. I live an hour away.

It's probably worth mentioning that I live in an impoverished, freezing apartment, in a neighborhood with gang activity. In order to get to my Buick-sized room, I'm required to walk from my car (if I'm lucky to get parking) through a back alley, up slippery stairs, past a dog who broke a window trying to attack me, through a pitch black-littered hallway that has a broken light in it (that my landlord won't fix), and deal with a frequently black-out drunk roommate whom blasts music so loudly that I can hear him with my headphones on.

Seeing as I can't always find parking on the street (my city is the traffic capitol of the US, staying at my place affects my job in many ways.

My life is stranger than fiction. It's worth noting that I am willing to pay utilities at his if requested and that I stay with him at his request. He and I are very confused about his roommates' behavior because we've had roommates have their significant others' over a lot and we've never cared. In fact, this is a pretty common practice for millenniuls.

I'm worried that if I don't get sleep, I'll have mood swings. We're used to seeing each other a lot and share groceries, so not staying with him would affect our relationship. I don't want to come home to people who dislike me everyday, but I feel that my bf pays for the space and is entitled to do as he pleases with it.

I'm currently working on driving to a nearby state to get medicine sooner.

Anyway, I'm not trying to sound ungrateful. Thank you for bouncing ideas off of my head. It's helpful to know how people who may disagree with you think.

Good to hear from you to, the poster formerly known as Hankster.

[unaluna]

You sound reasonable about it all, including the roommates. That bit about flying in for the day is a stunt my mother would pull. No consideration about how it would actually feel for the person who has to do it. I once spent six hours on xmas eve waiting for the freaking train to travel 30 freaking miles. So of course that was my own fault!!!

Hope the bf wakes up and smells the coffee. My one regret in life is letting my ignorant superstitious chauvinistic parents bully me out of "what could have been". Does he really think their decisions are grounded on good values - my parents' were not.

.

[henrydavidtherobot]

That's my thing. It's important for him to maintain a good relationship with his parents, but they'll always be there. If we don't put the right amount of understanding and effort into ours, we break up forever.

[henrydavidtherobot]

He dumped me today via text message after his family texted him saying that his mother was crying in the bathroom over him missing her party.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by henrydavidtherobot

He dumped me today via text message after his family texted him saying that his mother was crying in the bathroom over him missing her party.

I am so sorry. I remember my mother playing these games with my brother and his gfs. Probably not much consolation to say you dodged a bullet (more like a cannon).

[divine1966]

I think you are better off. Sounds like tough crowd to deal with. I am sorry

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by henrydavidtherobot

He dumped me today via text message after his family texted him saying that his mother was crying in the bathroom over him missing her party.

This just makes me angry for you. What a manipulation on his mother's part and I'm sorry, but it is incredibly cowardly and inconsiderate to break up with someone over text.

I have a coworker going through something incredibly similar, and it has dragged her down to the point where her job suffered and she has had to take a leave of absence to focus on her mental health. I know it's difficult, but your well being is far more important.