Loves me but won't commit?

Don't waste more time. Wishing you the best

I'm afraid if I tell him that I'm leaving him he will decide he is ready to be committed to his ex.

What makes that matter to you?

Because I feel like I would be letting her have everything I've worked for.

Your thinking is that if you hold on long enough, he will tire of her and their seeming dysfunctionality and then he will leave her and commit to you.

That's exactly what I hope.

Here is a suggestion: Look at the evidence relating to this hope, say over the next six months. Make a list of:

1. Reasons to believe that he will drop her within the next six months;
2. Reasons to believe that he will commit to you within the next six months;
3. Reasons to believe that he will not drop her within the next six months;
4. Reasons to believe that he will not commit to you within the next six months.

To quote my therapist: It is usually pointless to spend any time figuring out why people do what they do, you might never get an answer. You can only know what you do and why. So focus on why you are staying with him for 5 years with no commitment. What he does and why you might never know

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I stay with no commitment because as Bill3 said. I hope that eventually he will get tired of the back and forth and leave her.

Kp15, I strongly suggest you take a hard look at your own self esteem.

I was about to say the exact same thing.

Why don't you feel like you deserve better?

Why don't you feel like you deserve a man who loves you and ONLY you?

Why don't you feel like you deserve a man who is committed to you and only you?

FWB rarely end well. You've heard about the cow and the milk, right?

Its been 5 years and he's STILL NOT tired of her.

There's absolutely no evidence that this man will tire of her, so what exactly keeps your hopes up?

If he leaves you and they get back together, she will not be winning, she will not be reaping the rewards of your hard work.


He is a person, not a very good one, but a person nonetheless. He is not a reward, a personal project or a nearly well trained pet.


He is not giving you any tangible reason to hope she'll disappear, so you walking away might actually be the only wake up call he responds to.

He LIKES keeping her around, and you allow him to. There's absolutely no reason for him to let either of you go when both of you willingly indulge him.

Its Christmas time, Christian or no, I suggest you get your milk and cookies ready, because you may as well wait for Santa, at least he brings gifts.

I think you fail to realize that he actively CHOOSES to keep his ex in his life.

I'm not trying to be harsh here, but I think you're in major denial. Facing the truth is gonna HURT.....i.e. He doesn't love you or maybe he's just using you.....so it's easier to blame the ex. I mean by the way you write you'd think that the ex has magical powers and has cast a spell on your guy so that he can't think for himself!

Bottom line.....give the ultimatum. Heck, really, I think you should just walk away. Maybe don't even walk away, just put profiles on 5 different dating websites and flirt with every single guy you meet.

If your guy asks what's up, tell him it's too late. He should've put a ring on it.

He could also get tired and leave you. I would want man commit to me but not because he is tired juggling two women. You deserve better than spend your life waiting for him to choose you

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I am sorry but I needed the laughs this morning. Waiting for Santa. Remind me how I waited for my ex to quit drinking. Let him after 9 years. A year and a half later I am with someone else but my ex still drinks. I don't regret my relationship but overall bad idea wait for people to change. Might as well wait for Santa lol

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I hope you are able to realize how flawed your thinking is. If he gets rid of the ex, I suspect you will become the ex and another woman with low self esteem will be drawn into the spider's web.
Get some help with why you can accept this treatment from a guy. I suspect some childhood issues may be the driving force.
Big hug and I'm hoping you see the light sooner rather than later!

I know it HURTS to hear this, but if this guy has not committed to you or to his ex these last five years, then he is not in love with either of you. Neither of you are "the one" for him. Either, he will be a player forever or, when he meets "the one," he will leave both of you and commit to her. If he was happy with you and in love with you, he would WANT to only be with you. But he does not want that. You can't make him want that. I don't know what his issues are, nor does it really matter. As others have already pointed out, the issue here is why you value yourself so little that you are allowing this situation to go on. We teach people how to treat us, and you're teaching this guy that he can treat you poorly and you will put up with it. You deserve better! It might help to go to therapy in order to figure out how to improve your self-esteem and find th kind of relationship you really want.

Thank you everyone for you your brutally honest replies. I honestly don't think that I have low self esteem. I mean I have insecurities just like anyone else. I KNOW I deserve better. I love myself and I value myself. However, my heart wants what it wants. The only thing that I could think of is I did not have my father in my life that could be causing me to long for the guy. I will consider therapy. Btw, I'm only 21. He's 22. I've graduated college and started my career so I'm starting to long more and more for a relationship. Could age be a factor in his actions as well as my "flawed thinking?"

Yes, age could definitely be a factor in the whole situation.

You are only 21? And he is 22? You've been together 5 years so you were 16 and he was 17? How can he possibly have an ex? Someone before you?

So what kind of issues could they be resolving and arguing about if he was with her when he was in high school? I thought he is arguing with someone he was married to and raised kids so now they can't resolve issues. What could he possibly argue about with someone he used to date in his teens 5 years ago? If they aren't together what is she selfish about? This makes no sense

The whole story just looks like he is seeing two girls and you hope he dumps her for you. Overall please practice save sex. The guy is not to be trusted. And yes please consider therapy

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Yes, I'm sure age does play a part in this. It makes more sense that he's playing the field at 22 than if he were older. He has many years ahead of time to decide to settle down. The bad news is that, if and when he is ready for that, he is even less likely to choose one of the girls he was FWB with in high school/college. When he grows up, he will probably be more interested in a woman who demands more respect and has not been chasing him around his whole adolescence. By the same token, when you grow up a little more, you will probably think this guy was a loser and want to be with a man who treats you better also. You will probably demand more from a relationship. it doesn't sound like either of you love one another. Rather, it sounds like this little triangle is the only thing you guys have ever known and you are holding onto it because you are afraid to let go. It sounds more like an obsession or bad habit than like genuine love or affection. It sounds like there may be some co-dependency issues going on here. Since you guys are not exclusive anyway, why not do a little dating around and get some more life experience under your belt.

I had a high school on and off BF too,
It dragged for two years after high school. Total 4 years of nonsense. Similar kind of like your thing. I can relate to codependency I used to have with men.

Don't know if he was exclusive, but I think he most likely saw other girls at the time, he was an idiot. I didn't know any better. He wasn't even any good as he was rather not intelligent kind of dumb lol don't even know what I liked about him.

I then left him at age 20 and then met my future husband and never thought about this high school BF. He however continued pursuing me in a rather unpleasant manner. He once called years later professing undying love for me, later I found out his wife was pregnant at the time. What an ***. He once showed up when my husband wasn't home with flowers. I told him to leave.

Fast forward to last year he got my email from some other high school friend and started sending me emails saying he regrets we didn't end up together and he cant forget me. Then he started talking how now when I am divorced we should keep in touch WTF

Dude we are 50 and we both have grown children, grow freaking up. I now live in a different country across the ocean and haven't had s single thought about him for 30 years , move on already. I blocked him.

Don't waste your time on this guy

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Does he say he loves you? Does he live with either you or his ex?

My father died when I was 12 and I have big time issues with men, which started in high school. Maybe I can help you.

BTW- My friend says "If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have problems with it." lol

I think you should be very honest with him. Tell him you are serious about making things work, but you are afraid that he will never leave his ex and make a commitment to you. Tell him that if that's never going to happen, he needs to tell you because you are both wasting your time. Maybe ask him what it is that she is providing for him. Why can't he let it go? Sitting there hoping he leaves her isn't accomplishing anything except making you frustrated with the situation. Just get it all out on the table. You don't have to give him an ultimatum, just be truthful and ask that he do the same. At least you'll have some answers or understand the situation better. THEN you can decide whether its worth hanging on or if it's time to let go.

He will never commit to you as long as you keep giving him what he wants eg. sex, he has no reason to! he is getting the best of both worlds, all your attention, without any responsibility, he is quite frankly using you. I would cut off all contact date other people and see if he comes back.