Loves me but won't commit?

I have been in a basically non exclusive relationship for some time now (5 years)It started as pretty much friends with benefits but it has grown tremendously. It's pretty much a relationship without the commitment. We see each other 5-6 days out of the week, talk everyday, go to church together, etc. However he will not commit to me. He also has been seeing his ex on and off for some time now. However their relationship is much more dysfunctional. They argue all the time, he will block her phone number for long periods of time. I think he won't commit to me because he doesn't necessarily want to be with his ex but I don't think he wants to see her happy with anyone else. She is literally crazy about him. She calls him back to back when he ignores her, emails him constantly when her number is blocked, and will literally do anything for him because "she just wants him to love her even more." Me on the other hand wants commitments from him but I feel I will never get that as long as his ex is in the picture. One reason I haven't walked away is because I feel like I would be letting her have everything that I want. I know he sounds like an asshole but he really isn't. He treats her that way because well according to him she has a very bad attitude and is very selfish. What do I do?

If he's not willing to commit now, he's never going to. It's not about letting the ex win, but leaving a bad situation before it gets any worse.

I don't understand the logic behind people saying things like "If he hasn't committed yet, he never will." Or "If he doesn't love you he never will." Is that always true that "If he hasn't committed by now he never will?" It's not possible or even likely that he will ever commit to me?

If she is so awful, why does he have ANY contact with her? Unless they have minor children, WHAT do they argue about? When will he cut off contact? When you get engaged? Married? Never? Truthfully, he sounds like a great pal to go bowling or fishing with, but there is only room for TWO people in a relationship (unless that's OK with you). Sorry to be so harsh. But YOU dont have to do anyting. He has to choose.

If he didn't commit in 5 years he never will. Please don't have unprotected sex with him as you might contract something.

What do you do? Leave? Or spend another 5 years with a man who is not exclusive? What do you think you should do?

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About a year and a half ago I asked him why does he keep her around and he told me because he doesn't want to see another man reap the benefits of the work he put in with her while they were together. I'm not sure exactly what the arguments are about and I'm not saying that she is the only one wrong but from my understanding she is very selfish and they just don't see eye to eye on anything.

He's not the kind of man to sleep around. He isn't a womanizer or anything like that. He just has a back and forth type of thing going on with his ex. Honestly just hoped that once he rids himself of that baggage, maybe me and him could kind of work on us.

To summarize: he has refused to commit to either of you over a period of five years. When speaking to you, he blames her for his behavior. I wonder what he says to her about you.

It's been 5 years with no commitment! If he wanted to commit to you, he would have done it a long time ago. His actions demonstrate that he is not-- and never will be-- interested in a committed relationship with you. Don't waste another 5 years on him.

Yea and.... Everyone else already said it.

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He may be an avoidant. Catch up on attachment theory.

He IS already sleeping around with two women. (Don't believe him if he tells you he's not) When would he have time to sleep with yet a third? He IS a womanizer. You are STILL friends with benefits.

You have allowed this man to treat you badly. You should not settle for less than the love and respect that you want. I suggest you step away from this man, telling him to work out his issues with his 'ex' and open yourself up to finding someone who will give you a healthy relationship.

Yesterday my ex told me love is given but commitment is not,I don't know what that implies but it will be a very rough ride for you if you go on thinking about his behaviour .he seems confused to make any decisions..selfish to his ex as well.dont you fear how dramatic it will be if you and him get married?drama from the ex

I am not sure why you worry about their arguments or if she is selfish. I can't care less about my BF's ex. She is irrelevant. I think the issue is that he is non exclusive and don't commit. Not seeing eye to eye with exes has nothing to do with it

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You said it's non exclusive. What did you mean then?

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If he hasn't committed in five years, he's not going to now. Eventually what will likely end up happening is that he will drop her AND you to be with someone new. He is using you, and will continue to as long as you let him. You can either get out or accept that it will be like this forever.

What is going to be different in the future that will make him want to commit? 6 months, a year, ok maybe he's cautious but five years is what makes me say he never will. Why would he? He is getting everything he wants now.

I'm not worried about why they argue. I'm just trying to figure out why she tries to work things out with a person she can't get along with and why he can't let her go.

I was hoping that in the future his ex would be out of the picture completely. That's what i hoped would be different. I really think the fact that they are holding on to each other is the reason I'm not able to get a commitment. But I don't understand what makes two people hold on for something for so long that they know is not going to work. How many times does he have to block her number and stop talking to her month after month or week after week for them to get it will never work?

I don't want him to work out issues with his ex. I want him to leave her alone for good. I honestly don't want to leave because I have invested 5 years and I honestly have seen growth. I think if he left her alone me and him really could work. We have a great relationship. We have a great relationship other than the fact that he is still seeing his ex.

What do you think he would do if you told him you want him to leave her alone for good and commit to you? Being honest with him, telling him what you need in order to stay, will bring it to a head. You have every right to give him an ultimatum. But, even if he agrees, he is so involved with her. Do you really think he can let go? It's hard to put yourself in the position of being worried that he is really leaving her alone and trusting him.

Your guy sounds like my husband. My husband isn't a jerk, he's just very selfish and self-centered. Claimed to commit to me when it was convenient for him (i.e., when he was afraid I'd leave him), but never truly committed. 30+ years later.... http://forums.psychcentral.com/relat...usband-me.html

There's something SERIOUSLY wrong with men who cannot commit. My experience tells me that the reason your guy is still attached to his ex is because he can't stand the thought of losing control of her. Try telling him you're leaving him and no longer want him in your life & see what he does. Betcha he'll *suddenly commit*. Until he wins you back. Then he'll distance himself again.

I call these men "harem gatherers".

Yup, he wants a harem, not an exclusive relationship. Face it, he just cares about himself and what he wants and what he wants is twice the tail to get off on. I don't know about you but that's definitely not love in my book.

I don't know what he would do if I asked him to leave her. I don't want to have to give him an ultimatum. I want someone to be with me willingly not because I told them they didn't have a choice. I think he could let go of his ex being that they really don't have anything but the time invested. I don't think he loves her. I think he loves that he can do whatever to her and she still stays or will always come back.

Yeah, when the harem gatherers are young they want tail. When they get older they just want to be worshiped and be in a position of power and control.