[DeterminedSlacker]

So we don't often talk about it because it's a pretty intimidating subject but her debt terrifies me. I've done all I could to stay completely debt free and I've thankfully been able to achieve that. I always pay of my credit cards in full and never carry a balance. The little college I attended was paid for with money I was awarded after being mauled by a dog when I was a child (still have a scar on my face from it but it's not very noticeable with my beard).

Debt in general is probably my biggest fear simply because of the implications it can have on nearly every aspect of your life. She didn't acquire the debt through reckless spending or anything, it's student debt, but now she's considering changing her major, basically making most of the other debt she's accrued worthless. I want to support her but at the same time I don't think she realizes the consequences of switching majors and piling on more and more debt.

I'm just struggling with this because I want her to study what she's interested in but at the same time if she keeps switching majors she will be paying off her debt for the next 30 years. I'm not getting any younger and I want to start a family soon and this is weighing on my mind when it comes to thinking about the future. I'm probably overreacting because debt is so common these days but after doing all I could to stay out of debt it feels like all of that would be flushed down the drain if we were to start a family together.

To be clear I'm not thinking of leaving her over this, not at all, I love her, I just wish she would stick to one major. She already switched once and now it feels like if she switches again what's to say she won't get bored of her new major and decide to switch again a year or two down the line.

How can I support her but at the same time make clear that I think she needs to just stick with a major? I want her to be happy and study what inspires her but the debt just makes me anxious and think about us struggling to pay our bills if we get married and start a family together. Sorry if this came off as a ramble, it's just been on my mind since she said she wants to switch majors.

[Skeezyks]

Hello DeterminedSlacker: This is a difficult situation. And you have clearly thought it over thoroughly. Personally, I agree with you regarding debt. And, I think you are correct. If your gf has already switched majors once & now wants to switch again, what's to say she won't want to switch a third time at some point. And, as a result, the student debt just keeps piling up higher & higher.

Of course you want her to study what inspires her & makes her happy. And realistically, it's her decision. The two of you aren't married. So you're incurring no financial obligation as a result of her changes of major. So, from my perspective, I think all you can do is to express to her basically what you have written here. If she chooses to go ahead anyway, then it's really her decision.

I suppose one possibility might be, if she's willing to do it, to meet with a financial advisor, or credit counselor... someone who can look at your current & projected financial situations & give you some perspective with regard to what the two of you are likely to be facing given your gf's current debt load as well as what you may be faced with if she changes her major again. The upshot of such a meeting might be to either scare her into not making the change, or perhaps it might allay your fears a bit. Right now, you're both working off of hypotheticals. If you can get some real projections down on paper, it may help to make the discussion more concrete. Good luck!

[hvert]

This is a very real and realistic worry, imo. I've heard that students are encouraged to switch majors so the school can keep raking in course fees- no idea if that's true, but it made a lot of sense to me.

Have you brought up this worry about the debt load with her? It's a worthwhile conversation to have.

[divine1966]

That's a tough decision. I applaud you for taking it seriously not just willy nilly.

If you plan on eventually marrying her would two of you go see financial advisor? Calculate everything? Student loans are not that horrible and could be eventually paid off. With two people working you should be able to be ok with student loan.



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[DeterminedSlacker]

Thanks guys. She actually was saying she was going to speak to a counselor at school to try to figure it out. As Hvert pointed out though, the counselor might have some financial incentives for encouraging her to swap majors again. I think I'll try to convince her to speak to a third party with no ties to the school, she's a reasonable person so she will probably see the logic behind this.

I tread carefully when addressing this subject because it's something she has a lot of anxiety about as well. She's not oblivious to the debt she's racking up and the long term consequences of it, but it's not something when wants to dwell on. I understand that position but I think it's also important to look at these things realistically. I wonder if there's a way to get some of the debt forgiven if she does change majors again, though I doubt it with the bloodsucking financial industry.

I'll keep you updated with how this goes.

[everythingsworld]

Someday all this student loan debt will be forgiven, I think we've racked up over a trillion already and who goes to college more these days?, yup .. women.

I shamelessly paid mine off as soon as I found a job that paid decent, I have no debt, and I'm piling money up myself. I was just dating a girl who is 41 and still has student loan debt, she could have paid it off but has this penance for idiots and was bilked out of lots of money from men, if she makes payments for the next ten years her job will pay the rest off, besides, the debt's going to be in her name, not yours! The girl I date most of the time makes almost 90k a year, drives a brand new car, rents a luxury apt., lol, goes shopping every single day I swear, she has nothing.

Yah live in the U.S. friend, feminism, gynocentrism, entitlements, just enjoy her company she's going to do what she wants anyways, and if she doesn't, society/culture will tell her to do what she wants, but hopefully she knows what she's doing.

Hope this doesn't sound like a rant, try to give people the benefit of the doubt.

[Koko2]

But what do you think of her would-be major? Does it make a better fit for her down the line?

[RomanSunburn]

Well... I don't have any advice, except to tell you to tread carefully... Very, very carefully. She's already aware of it.

My husband was able to graduate college practically debt free thanks to his parents. They were able to pay for his private education out of pocket. I have been in school going on 10 years now. No lie. I have more debt than I care to admit. I feel extremely guilty about it. The last thing I need is someone pointing it out to me.

I've been very lucky, though. My husband has job that pays well enough that we don't really need to worry. My husband is also very financially savvy, and is able to make good decisions, like deciding which of my loans should get paid off in which order.

If she doesn't switch majors, and ends up sticking with the one she has, will she be able to get a job she enjoys? Or will she be miserable? How much is happiness worth? There's a lot of factors to consider about switching majors. What are the job markets like? How is she doing academically? What are her plans once she graduates? She has to do what's best for her. This is really her decision, and I do think you should explain your fears to her. But don't make her feel like she has to choose between you and her future. If you are concerned about the debt for if/when you get married, investigate the laws in your states. Some states are common property; whats yours is mine, mine yours, including debt.

Just be careful.

[divine1966]

I don't really understand being that upset over a student loan. Debt is horrid thing ( I have it too) so I agree it's bad but student loan can't be that much? 50k? How much does she owe now? She might pay $300 a month when she starts paying back. If she gets a decent job it won't be a big deal. Or if she works in public sector she might get public loans forgiveness. Etc etc this is not like shopping addiction or she likes to gamble. As long as she gets a job she should be able to make monthly payments

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[hannabee]

Student loans are a necessary evil if she ever wants a good paying career and not just a JOB! I agree with having her try to decide what she really wants to do, outside of the school. Maybe some "information interviews" would give her a better idea. Please be supportive of her, sounds like she is only trying to prepare for "your" future together.

[Mygrandjourney]

"How can I support her but at the same time make clear that I think she needs to just stick with a major? I want her to be happy and study what inspires her but the debt just makes me anxious and think about us struggling to pay our bills if we get married and start a family together. Sorry if this came off as a ramble, it's just been on my mind since she said she wants to switch majors. "

I agree with just about everything that has been posted here. The only thing I could add is there may come a time when the opportunity to have this conversation with her presents itself. We might call it "change talk", in other words listen to what she is saying when she's talking about this and look for opportunities to express your concerns as objectively as possible. Name the behaviors or issues rather than making it about her as a person, such as "I get concerned about our future together when I hear about this (or think about this, etc)."

[DeterminedSlacker]

I do support her, I tried to make that clear in my original post. My main concern is she has already switched majors once and now is considering it again. I am very averse to waste and if she switches her major again it would be a waste of two big loans. There are a lot of people who float through school for years switching from major to major and never really end up settling on something and then end up forced to take a job just to start paying back loans. I don't want to see her forced into that position, she's a really smart girl but she's like me in that she's very indecisive. We don't have a big money person to fall back on and if we do marry her debt will become mine, so I do have a personal stake in her decision as it will effect my life as much as hers.

If I didn't care about her or wasn't considering a serious future with her I wouldn't care about what she did, but I do care and don't want her to fall into a position that disadvantages her, and in a greater view, us. She's gotten a lot of perks for being a female and a minority from a low income family in terms of scholarships, but the loans are different and I wonder if the lines between scholarship and loan have become a bit blurred.

We're planning on talking about this tonight, I'll take the words of wisdom from this thread into consideration as we talk about it. Thanks again.

[hannabee]

One of my daughters has a masters and a post masters in the medical field and plenty of student loans to show for them. She now has a career and a six figure income. I suppose it really does make a difference in what it is your gf is studying? Maybe we could be of more help if we knew that information.

[DeterminedSlacker]

Originally Posted by hannabee

One of my daughters has a masters and a post masters in the medical field and plenty of student loans to show for them. She now has a career and a six figure income. I suppose it really does make a difference in what it is your gf is studying? Maybe we could be of more help if we knew that information.

Well she started with a major in Theater, then switched to political science and is now considering psychology. From what I've heard the psychology field is over saturated as it's become a very popular major over the past decade. She's done very well in political science, her intelligence is one of the things that really attracts me to her, and I think she would have a bright future in related fields.

[specialneedsmom]

Is she majoring in field of study, in which she can realistically expect to become employed within a year after graduation? If so, I don't think the debt is much to worry about. However, if she decided to major in something like "dramatic arts", it would concern me.

[RomanSunburn]

Originally Posted by DeterminedSlacker

I am very averse to waste and if she switches her major again it would be a waste of two big loans.

The thing that concerns me is that you see this as a waste. I started out as a political science major, before I transferred and changed my major to an English degree. Since then, I've tacked on an art history double major (and transferred again, but that's a separate issue). I don't see my time as a poli sci major as a waste because it made me realize what I really wanted to do. My situation is probably a little different because I also transferred to a cheaper school, but I don't regret those years I spent at a private school, even if they were expensive. I made some very good friends, but more importantly, I learned a lot about myself. Both academically and personally. All of the skills your girlfriend is learning from any of her classes are helping her build her future. Maybe you need to try to think less about the negatives and more about the positives of the situation.

Honestly, maybe she should double major. Mental health is a big political issue right now. She could also look into the option of majoring/minoring.

[ChipperMonkey]

Sorry, but no, you don't get to do this. You don't get to control (yes, I said control) your girlfriend when it comes to what she studies in college! (If you wrangle her into doing something she doesn't want to do.....let's just say it will indeed be a point of contention for the rest of your relationship, especially if she is miserable/unhappy in whatever field she ends up in.)

What do you get to do? You have a few choices. You accept your girlfriend for who she is, debt and all, or you get out and move on. Yep, that's pretty much it.

I know you want what you want, you want kids, you want this, you want to be debt free......but you're willing to control your girlfriends *entire* future just to get what you want? This sounds a bit selfish because you're not taking her wants and needs into consideration.

As I said, accept her for who she is, debt and all.... or get out. You can talk to her about it, let her know that the debt may hinder future life choices, but in the end, you don't get to convince her to do whatever.....she needs to make these decisions for herself.

And yes, I have been through a LOT of school. I had a TON of debt. (It was a disgustingly large amount.) I know how crippling debt is. The *only* ray of light in becoming disabled was full discharge of my federal loans. Honestly, if I had that debt over my head with no way out and no way to even work, I'd probably have offed myself by now. I say this because I know how much debt can cripple your future. For the first time in history, there are Americans saying that the education they received wasn't worth it because of the debt they accumulated. The feds are giving a little relief, but in the end, its not much.

You're in a hard space....you can't control her future, you love her, yet you don't want to be crippled by her debt. You've got hard decisions to make. (But the decision to "convince" her to do something other than what she wants to do, when it comes to education, is not one of them.)

ETA

It doesn't really matter what you think she'd be good at or what you think she'd be successful doing. I have talents which I absolutely hate. People have told me that I'm awesome at XYZ but the truth is that I HATE "XYZ". I am really concerned that you seem to want to control her so much.

[DeterminedSlacker]

It seems I've hit a nerve with a lot of you ladies who've racked up a lot of debt as well. Chipper, I'm in no way trying to control her. She asked my advice on this subject and we, as a couple in a committed relationship, talk about these things honestly and openly. I didn't post this to be lambasted and accused of trying to control her, because that's obviously not the case and she knows this as much as I do. I posted it for some advice on the situation and as I've said, multiple times now, I do support her, but debt in general makes me anxious and it does the same for her. You've made some pretty bombastic accusations about controlling her entire future, that simply isn't true, if anything I'm trying to help her figure out her future.

I never said "I refuse to allow her to do this" or anything even remotely close, to the contrary I've said I want to support her and encourage her to study what inspires her, but at the same time I don't want her to set herself up for a lifetime of debt. She's convinced me to avoid things that would be detrimental to my well being and I've done the same for her, give and take, talk and listen, look out for what's best for one another, it's called a relationship.

Edit: I don't really care if it "really concerns you".

[ChipperMonkey]

Your original post does indeed come across as very controlling.

I stand by what I've said. I've given you my perspective. I wasn't lambasting you, rather that is your spin on what I've said. (Try not to input your own tone, ok?)

You don't understand that controlling someone's major in college IS indeed controlling their entire future. "oh, honey, don't study biology even though you want to go to med school". See where I'm going with this?

I don't understand why you can't just simply say to her "Sweetie, you know I want to support you in everything that you do, but I am concerned about the amount of debt you'll be taking on". I guess if it really is indeed as simple as you're stating, why can't you say these....26 words. Shouldn't this sort of thing come naturally? I guess I just don't get it? Why are you trying to complicate things when it really is that simple? Maybe you're over thinking it all. Maybe she's a raging nut case who flies off the handle and you didn't tell us this part and you're actually asking for how to treat her with kid gloves. Really, I have no idea.

[DeterminedSlacker]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

Your original post does indeed come across as very controlling.

I stand by what I've said. I've given you my perspective. I wasn't lambasting you, rather that is your spin on what I've said. (Try not to input your own tone, ok?)

You don't understand that controlling someone's major in college IS indeed controlling their entire future. "oh, honey, don't study biology even though you want to go to med school". See where I'm going with this?

I don't understand why you can't just simply say to her "Sweetie, you know I want to support you in everything that you do, but I am concerned about the amount of debt you'll be taking on". I guess if it really is indeed as simple as you're stating, why can't you say these....26 words. Shouldn't this sort of thing come naturally? I guess I just don't get it? Why are you trying to complicate things when it really is that simple? Maybe you're over thinking it all. Maybe she's a raging nut case who flies off the handle and you didn't tell us this part and you're actually asking for how to treat her with kid gloves. Really, I have no idea.

You realize you made the point that if you hadn't got your debt forgiven you would've likely killed yourself, right? That the only way you were able to get it paid off is by becoming disabled? I don't want her in the position where she's considering killing herself over debt she racked up in courses she didn't like, or have her hoping she can find a disability that will wipe out her debt. I care about her and I'm invested in her future and for you to say I'm controlling her pushed my buttons because it's nowhere near the truth.

I stood by her when she switched the first time, but I'm apprehensive about her doing it again FOR HER OWN WELL BEING. Not everything is about men controlling women, surprise surprise, sometimes we're just trying to look out for you and I'd expect her to do the same for me.

If you're going to grandstand and scold me for being "controlling" then I'm going to respond in kind. For the record no she's not a "raging nut", she's very sensitive and struggles with a host of psychological issues. I was indeed looking for ways to talk to her about it, and received some very good advice, but being accused of being a "controlling man" is a step too far. I love her and maybe I'm a bit overprotective because the world hasn't been kind to her and I want her to avoid future trauma and troubles.

[DeterminedSlacker]

Originally Posted by RomanSunburn

The thing that concerns me is that you see this as a waste. I started out as a political science major, before I transferred and changed my major to an English degree. Since then, I've tacked on an art history double major (and transferred again, but that's a separate issue). I don't see my time as a poli sci major as a waste because it made me realize what I really wanted to do. My situation is probably a little different because I also transferred to a cheaper school, but I don't regret those years I spent at a private school, even if they were expensive. I made some very good friends, but more importantly, I learned a lot about myself. Both academically and personally. All of the skills your girlfriend is learning from any of her classes are helping her build her future. Maybe you need to try to think less about the negatives and more about the positives of the situation.

Honestly, maybe she should double major. Mental health is a big political issue right now. She could also look into the option of majoring/minoring.

We actually spoke about a double major, she's going to look into it more in the coming days. And as for calling it a waste, a direct quote from her during our talk was "I wish I didn't waste those years in theater".

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by DeterminedSlacker

You realize you made the point that if you hadn't got your debt forgiven you would've likely killed yourself, right? That the only way you were able to get it paid off is by becoming disabled? I don't want her in the position where she's considering killing herself over debt she racked up in courses she didn't like, or have her hoping she can find a disability that will wipe out her debt. I care about her and I'm invested in her future and for you to say I'm controlling her pushed my buttons because it's nowhere near the truth.

I stood by her when she switched the first time, but I'm apprehensive about her doing it again FOR HER OWN WELL BEING. Not everything is about men controlling women, surprise surprise, sometimes we're just trying to look out for you and I'd expect her to do the same for me.

If you're going to grandstand and scold me for being "controlling" then I'm going to respond in kind. For the record no she's not a "raging nut", she's very sensitive and struggles with a host of psychological issues. I was indeed looking for ways to talk to her about it, and received some very good advice, but being accused of being a "controlling man" is a step too far. I love her and maybe I'm a bit overprotective because the world hasn't been kind to her and I want her to avoid future trauma and troubles.

Wow. There are no words for that so I'll just block you.

Good luck!

[divine1966]

Ok it's probably too early in the morning to comprehend fully and I didn't coffee yet Lol but WHAT? The only way to get loans forgiven is going on disability! Huh? What? Why? But if someone went on disability so what? It's not like random people can randomly go on disability? Also did someone say they would be killing themselves over this?? Huh? What? Ladies racked up student loans?Not everybody can pay out of their pockets or lucky to get grants. Especially grad school. It's a common thing. Education is expensive if you are in the states.

I kind of wonder if there is more to the story? What upsets you so much? Personally rather than worrying about her loans I would be exploring why it upsets you and angers you so much that you have to get that angry at people you don't even know.

Sure it's great to be able to get degrees with no loans but if that's not the case then surely there might be other ways to deal with it. I have never met anyone that upset over student loans. Especially not their own?

My significant other ( getting engaged soon) switched careers later in life and had to borrow tons of money as his degree required him to not work while in school. So what. At no point it bothers me whatsoever. It's just student loan.

Is there something else going on? Overall anxiety over finances or relationships? Maybe something to discuss in therapy if you are in one?

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[avlady]

i agree with all here.she should go into something she enjoys doing as the saying goes you'll never have to work a day in your life if you like what you're doing.

[specialneedsmom]

Originally Posted by DeterminedSlacker

It seems I've hit a nerve with a lot of you ladies who've racked up a lot of debt as well. Chipper, I'm in no way trying to control her. She asked my advice on this subject and we, as a couple in a committed relationship, talk about these things honestly and openly. you".

Well, as for me, I never had student loan debt. My parents paid for my college, and I feel fortunate that they did so. I realize not everyone has that advantage. However, recent statistics stated that 70% of college students are financing their own college. It might even be higher than that. So, if you wanted to find another partner, say a young woman under age 30, she would likely have some student loan debt also. The question is, how much, and how much is acceptable to you. The cost of college is astronomically higher than it was when I was in college over 20 years ago.

I think student loan debt is okay as long as the person is majoring in something practical, where they can hit the ground running in a good job after graduation. However, if this is something "liberal artsy" it is not really a good thing to rack up debt. I would have a talk with this person about majoring in something practical. If they are a smart person, take money seriously, frugal and have common sense, then I would not worry too much.

I broke up with a guy I was dating because he had many years of school ahead of him, and he was already 28 years old at that point. But he wanted to finish up 3 more years of college, then go to law school, then get some kind of advanced degree after that. I pictured myself working two jobs to pay for all his education and I rejected that picture.

I also had a female friend who would marry men and then drive them into bankruptcy and home foreclosure with her shopping habits. She would also expect them to support her adult children financially. She wouldn't work at all and had a huge sense of entitlement.