[hazn]

This is a stupid question, and I know I'm going to look at this thread in the morning and regret it but I honestly don't know what else I can do.

Has anyone found a way to speed up the process of forgetting about someone, and in particular to stop missing them? I've Googled around but it's just not working out for me. I just want to get over this whole thing and move on. I was thinking about her celebrating Christmas with her family, and I wondered if I'd even cross her mind. Maybe she'd think "oh yeah... that guy! I wonder if he's OK". And then I realised nope, because if I ever did cross her mind things wouldn't have turned out as bad as they did. Realising that someone you care about doesn't actually care about you is the most horrible feeling ever. It's like the whole relationship meant absolutely nothing. I know this is me feeling sorry for myself and being overly emotional, but that's how I feel right now. How do other people deal with this?

[Permacultural]

I can totally relate. The way I dealt with it, and am still dealing with it, is by removing all objects or reminders of the person. Like I trashed, deleted, and burning anything reminding me of her (safely). I called my friends and *****ed to them about it. I doubled up on sessions with my therapist. But the first year of no-contact, even though I initiated it, was the absolute worst. Netflix movies and physical exercise was what helped me survive. I started realizing that the more I thought about her, the less I thought about myself. And that helped me shift a little bit.

[nicoleflynn]

Unfortunately, it is a process, like everything in life. It takes as long as it takes...for me, being hyper sensitive,I still miss someone after 12 years. Be kind to yourself and do things that make you feel better....music, etc? hugs, Nicole

[Rose76]

There is nothing wrong with feeling sorry for yourself that you got hurt. And I don't think there is a short-cut aroind the pain. Main thing is to do things that keep ypur mind engaged. The mind can't really think about two things at once. Give the memories some competition . . . with new experiences and doing things that focus your mind on something else. Try, especially, to be with people and interact.

[hazn]

Thank you all for your wonderful replies Yes, it's something everyone goes through, and it's a part of life. Even though it sucks, it's a good learning experience. I'm OK now, it was just an in the moment kind of thing. It's bound to happen again, I'm sure. I'm putting together list of all the things I need to remind myself of when it does happen so I'll hopefully be better prepared next time.

[CopperStar]

If you had any type of real connection whatsoever, even if you parted on bad terms, you will very likely cross her mind from time to time. This doesn't mean that she will contact you or act like she cares about you. Things are often not what they seem, and even though it is best and healthiest to move on, it is actually a common but inaccurate thought (in my experiences and observation of others) that someone you were once close with will never think of you again. It's just that in some cases, you will never know about it, and it will never lead to any action.

But rest assured that a little, tiny piece of you will be carried with them forever. Whatever experiences you did share with them, it wasn't for nothing, and it became a part of them just as it became a part of you. Some people are less able to appreciate that, but it doesn't change the fact, either.

In my experiences and observations of others over the years, nearly everyone has at least one person from their past that they still think about from time to time. And sometimes it is really small, random things that will make them think of said-person. But of course, the vast majority of these people have their reasons for feeling like the past needs to stay in the past.

So I think a possible big part of healing and moving on, is in realizing that many things go unknown and unspoken, but that doesn't by default mean that those things, those thoughts and feelings, never existed or never happen.

And so furthermore, it's just that there are a lot of lonely people out there, a lot of potential friends, a lot of people who would click with you and who could share a mutually enjoyable bond with you. And we go through life experiencing these bonds, some longer than others. And they all mean something, and they all become a part of the people involved.

You've gotta pull your eyes away from this one person, see the forest for the trees, in this case the one specific tree you're fixated on. There's a crap-ton of trees and some of them are waiting for you. Moving on to other trees doesn't mean the previous trees are going to forget you.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Yea it really is a process. Get yourself tools to help like therapy and books. I had a book is read over and over about how to stop obsessing over an ex. It might have been "obsessed with love" or something a long those lines. It's typical in BPD like me. Constant thoughts of low self worth and regret. Yuck

[Permacultural]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

If you had any type of real connection whatsoever, even if you parted on bad terms, you will very likely cross her mind from time to time. This doesn't mean that she will contact you or act like she cares about you. Things are often not what they seem, and even though it is best and healthiest to move on, it is actually a common but inaccurate thought (in my experiences and observation of others) that someone you were once close with will never think of you again. It's just that in some cases, you will never know about it, and it will never lead to any action.

But rest assured that a little, tiny piece of you will be carried with them forever. Whatever experiences you did share with them, it wasn't for nothing, and it became a part of them just as it became a part of you. Some people are less able to appreciate that, but it doesn't change the fact, either.

In my experiences and observations of others over the years, nearly everyone has at least one person from their past that they still think about from time to time. And sometimes it is really small, random things that will make them think of said-person. But of course, the vast majority of these people have their reasons for feeling like the past needs to stay in the past.

So I think a possible big part of healing and moving on, is in realizing that many things go unknown and unspoken, but that doesn't by default mean that those things, those thoughts and feelings, never existed or never happen.

And so furthermore, it's just that there are a lot of lonely people out there, a lot of potential friends, a lot of people who would click with you and who could share a mutually enjoyable bond with you. And we go through life experiencing these bonds, some longer than others. And they all mean something, and they all become a part of the people involved.

You've gotta pull your eyes away from this one person, see the forest for the trees, in this case the one specific tree you're fixated on. There's a crap-ton of trees and some of them are waiting for you. Moving on to other trees doesn't mean the previous trees are going to forget you.

That was really well written and nicely thought out. Thank you.

[spondiferous]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

There's a crap-ton of trees and some of them are waiting for you. Moving on to other trees doesn't mean the previous trees are going to forget you.

Love this so much!

I second what so many others have said: it will just take time. That amount of time is much different for some than for others. It takes me a long time get over people, places and things, because I form strong attachments. I find a combination of distraction and redirection (spending time with friends, committing or recommitting myself to activities, etc) helps, as does journalling; journalling has always gotten me through the hardest places because it's the only time I can be 100% honest because I find sometimes even in therapy I listen to some of the stuff coming out of my mouth and I'm like, Why did I say that?

Also...spending time in nature. For me, there's just nothing more healing. I used to take long walks in the woods, or, when I live in cities, in parks, the closest natural places I can find. If you don't have access for whatever reason, you may want to try going on Youtube and watching time-lapse nature videos, most of which are set to really beautiful music. It's the little things sometimes.

So sorry to hear that you are having to go through this, and wishing you a least-possible-obstacle-filled recovery.

[hazn]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

If you had any type of real connection whatsoever, even if you parted on bad terms, you will very likely cross her mind from time to time.

I know that what you're saying is right, but it's really difficult for me to think like that and keep it up. I end up questioning everything and trying to figure out what happened, what I did wrong, how I could have done things differently, what it all means, etc. The fact that she isn't interested in closure makes it impossible. If you care about someone, you want the best for them even if you can't be with that person. You don't deliberately do something which you know is going to hurt them. I can't imagine a scenario where I'd cut someone out like that, I really can't. That's so hypocritical... on one hand someone will express fear of losing you, of being rejected, of wanting a close relationship, and on the other hand they have the ability to drop someone like a hot potato. This person was my only close friend, and I shared things with her that I haven't shared with anyone else. She knew that, without a doubt. She knew how much she meant to me and made me believe it was mutual. I just wanted to have one person I could do that with, and she told me that's what she wanted too. It doesn't make sense. How can you claim that you've bonded with someone in a way you haven't with anyone else; to have something special and unique; make out you have unconditional love for that person; and then just discard everything in a moment? I can't even talk to her to try and understand how she feels and get her perspective on the whole thing.

So I'm sorry, there's no way I can reconcile between those things. Yes, MAYBE the whole thing meant something at a particular moment, but that's it. Because if there was any true and meaningful attachment, if there was compassion and empathy, I don't see how that could ever happen. I wouldn't do that to my worst enemy, let alone the person I love. OK, so she's unable to form attachments, or to love (at one point she told me she didn't know what love is, but of course I didn't listen) ...so I should feel less guilty, right? But no, instead I feel like I didn't try hard enough, and if I did things differently maybe there would have been a different outcome. But I know that's not true, but I end up in this cycle which honestly makes me feel like I must have a personality disorder or something.

Anyway, it's fine and there's absolutely nothing I can do to change the situation anyway. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life trying to solve an unsolvable puzzle. It's not my responsibility anymore. I'll get over it.

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by hazn

I know that what you're saying is right, but it's really difficult for me to think like that and keep it up. I end up questioning everything and trying to figure out what happened, what I did wrong, how I could have done things differently, what it all means, etc. The fact that she isn't interested in closure makes it impossible. If you care about someone, you want the best for them even if you can't be with that person. You don't deliberately do something which you know is going to hurt them. I can't imagine a scenario where I'd cut someone out like that, I really can't. That's so hypocritical... on one hand someone will express fear of losing you, of being rejected, of wanting a close relationship, and on the other hand they have the ability to drop someone like a hot potato. This person was my only close friend, and I shared things with her that I haven't shared with anyone else. She knew that, without a doubt. She knew how much she meant to me and made me believe it was mutual. I just wanted to have one person I could do that with, and she told me that's what she wanted too. It doesn't make sense. How can you claim that you've bonded with someone in a way you haven't with anyone else; to have something special and unique; make out you have unconditional love for that person; and then just discard everything in a moment? I can't even talk to her to try and understand how she feels and get her perspective on the whole thing.

So I'm sorry, there's no way I can reconcile between those things. Yes, MAYBE the whole thing meant something at a particular moment, but that's it. Because if there was any true and meaningful attachment, if there was compassion and empathy, I don't see how that could ever happen. I wouldn't do that to my worst enemy, let alone the person I love. OK, so she's unable to form attachments, or to love (at one point she told me she didn't know what love is, but of course I didn't listen) ...so I should feel less guilty, right? But no, instead I feel like I didn't try hard enough, and if I did things differently maybe there would have been a different outcome. But I know that's not true, but I end up in this cycle which honestly makes me feel like I must have a personality disorder or something.

Anyway, it's fine and there's absolutely nothing I can do to change the situation anyway. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life trying to solve an unsolvable puzzle. It's not my responsibility anymore. I'll get over it.

Damn right it's not your responsibility. But more important than that is that you CAN'T know the answers to these questions, it's just not possible. As far as why did she break things off, did she ever care for me, what went wrong, etc.

But maybe instead of filling in the blanks with the worst things you can imagine (she never loved me, she never cared for me, it was all lies, she'll never think about me again, she didn't care if she hurt me, etc), it might bring you more peace to be more rational about it and acknowledge that you don't know any of that. It's just your own anxious style assuming the worst.

There is also a complete disregard for her needs, if what she needed was space and to isolate or to completely move on altogether. You're too busy focusing on YOUR needs and what you needed from her, what you wanted from her, what you expected from her. Like how dare she isolate or move on, after you gave her the privilege of sharing some close times with you. Are you able to see this other side of the coin?

You'll probably never know why she made the choices she has, regarding you and the friendship, but due to the unknowns it's a neutral situation. You can choose to assume the absolute worst about her, or you can choose to assume the absolute best, or you can choose to acknowledge that you just don't know but at least you were able to get some good, shared things out of it while it lasted, things that may have helped you develop or cope in those moments, things that she was able to give to you, and chose to give to you, at those times.

You can have a little collection of good memories to keep as you go forward to experience more good things with new people, or you can choose to tarnish and discount and devalue the whole thing in your mind and go forward with pessimism. Although you should know that if you choose the latter, you are working your way towards becoming someone more like me and your former friend. That's how it happens.

[hazn]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

Damn right it's not your responsibility. But more important than that is that you CAN'T know the answers to these questions, it's just not possible. As far as why did she break things off, did she ever care for me, what went wrong, etc.

But maybe instead of filling in the blanks with the worst things you can imagine (she never loved me, she never cared for me, it was all lies, she'll never think about me again, she didn't care if she hurt me, etc), it might bring you more peace to be more rational about it and acknowledge that you don't know any of that. It's just your own anxious style assuming the worst.

There is also a complete disregard for her needs, if what she needed was space and to isolate or to completely move on altogether. You're too busy focusing on YOUR needs and what you needed from her, what you wanted from her, what you expected from her. Like how dare she isolate or move on, after you gave her the privilege of sharing some close times with you. Are you able to see this other side of the coin?

You'll probably never know why she made the choices she has, regarding you and the friendship, but due to the unknowns it's a neutral situation. You can choose to assume the absolute worst about her, or you can choose to assume the absolute best, or you can choose to acknowledge that you just don't know but at least you were able to get some good, shared things out of it while it lasted, things that may have helped you develop or cope in those moments, things that she was able to give to you, and chose to give to you, at those times.

You can have a little collection of good memories to keep as you go forward to experience more good things with new people, or you can choose to tarnish and discount and devalue the whole thing in your mind and go forward with pessimism. Although you should know that if you choose the latter, you are working your way towards becoming someone more like me and your former friend. That's how it happens.

I know it might sound like I'm being self-absorbed and not considering how she might be feeling, but that's not what's happening here. If I wasn't taking her feelings into consideration, I'd be trying to make contact with her right now. I was planning on sending her flowers around this time because she said no ones ever bought her flowers before, and I can't even do that now because I have no idea how she'd react. I know there are two sides to every story, and I do want to hear her side, but she won't give me that. I really did want to come to some understanding between us. Anyway, no point trying to elaborate on how I feel about this because that'll just start another cycle. I'll just have to learn to accept it for what it is and move on.

It's difficult not to think like that given the circumstances. But no, I don't hate her or anything, and I wish the best for her. In the end we just weren't right for one another. It's just a real shame it didn't work out. I'm not the kind of person who would try and deceive myself into believing she is a terrible person, and I don't really believe that. If I did, it would make things a whole lot easier. But that would go against everything I believe in.

Anyway, I really appreciate all of your insight into this whole thing and the time you've spent responding to my posts. It was just a temporary thing and I'm sure it'll go away once I stop talking about it. Thank you for all of your advice and guidance, I'll be sure to reread your posts if I do feel like that again.

[marmaduke]

How about trying hypnotist l Paul mckenna's book and cd 'l can mend your broken heart'
I played the CD for a month, for the first 3 weeks I thought 'This just don't work' Then l started to feel better and realised l didn't really care much any more.

It's brainwashing yourself out of 'love'

Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

[hazn]

Originally Posted by marmaduke

How about trying hypnotist l Paul mckenna's book and cd 'l can mend your broken heart'
I played the CD for a month, for the first 3 weeks I thought 'This just don't work' Then l started to feel better and realised l didn't really care much any more.

It's brainwashing yourself out of 'love'

Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

Thank you for the suggestion! I've had a look at the contents page, and it looks like it might be a good read. But it hasn't even been 2 months yet, so I'm sure feeling like this is just a normal part of the whole process. And the first month I was in denial so, I'd say it's only really been a month. Hopefully it'll be a bit less intense in a months time, and I'll try see if CBT helps as well. But to be honest, I think I'm doing pretty OK overall. I'm not really depressed or anything, and I know some people go through a lot worse.

I really appreciate all the responses, but I'd like to just let the thread die now

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by hazn

I know it might sound like I'm being self-absorbed and not considering how she might be feeling, but that's not what's happening here.

You are being self-absorbed, as well as judging her and thinking ill of her. It's coming out more and more, the more you post, so it also doesn't surprise me that as that happens, you switch your strategy from making lots of posts trying to understand, to suddenly deciding you'd best just not think about it anymore.

Originally Posted by hazn

If you care about someone, you want the best for them even if you can't be with that person. You don't deliberately do something which you know is going to hurt them. I can't imagine a scenario where I'd cut someone out like that, I really can't. That's so hypocritical...

This is a passive-aggressive accusation that she never cared about you, deliberately tried to hurt you and is a hypocrite. You're mad at her and seem to try to mask it with "I just want to understand". No you're pissed. Try owning that feeling instead of needing to be the "good one." It's okay to be pissed. It's better to just own it as a natural part of the grieving process, than to try to mask it with self-righteousness that gives you away, regardless.

Originally Posted by hazn

It doesn't make sense. How can you claim that you've bonded with someone in a way you haven't with anyone else; to have something special and unique; make out you have unconditional love for that person; and then just discard everything in a moment?

Probably in the exact same way you described earlier on. You're insecure and needy. If someone wants to have a relationship with you, they have to constantly reassure you. And because you come across as so sensitive, most people will be afraid to tell you the truth lest you fly off the deep end over it. After you've pressured someone into pretending like everything is fine, you turn around and disparage their character for pretending like everything was fine, and try to diagnose them with a personality disorder.

Originally Posted by hazn

Because if there was any true and meaningful attachment, if there was compassion and empathy, I don't see how that could ever happen. I wouldn't do that to my worst enemy, let alone the person I love.

You've obviously never been put to the test, because your own attachment style keeps you in a state of desperation. Don't confuse desperation with higher morality. If you are desperate to hold onto people and desperately lonely, that is what will keep you from letting people go. Not some saintly dedication to having infinite energy, patience and love for other people, as you seem to want to believe about yourself. There are tons of reasons as to why Person A might need to let Person B go, even though Person A shared meaningful experiences and felt love for Person B. Just because you lack the experience in life to understand that, doesn't make it not so. You will likely gain experiences that will teach you these things once you are no longer a very desperate person.

Originally Posted by hazn

I end up in this cycle which honestly makes me feel like I must have a personality disorder or something.

The self-righteous narcissist with a martyrdom complex. You definitely don't seem malignant or predatory to me, though. I wouldn't go so far as to speculate that you have a full-blown personality disorder. But you do express having the vulnerable traits. Own your ****, especially your anger, and you'll probably heal much faster.

[hazn]

Oh wow... I'm sorry, I didn't know you had the ability to look into my soul. I'm not quite sure how I'm supposed to respond to this, or if I even should. I hope you will consider that you could be wrong, before trying to assassinate my character any further.

Originally Posted by CopperStar

You are being self-absorbed, as well as judging her and thinking ill of her. It's coming out more and more, the more you post, so it also doesn't surprise me that as that happens, you switch your strategy from making lots of posts trying to understand, to suddenly deciding you'd best just not think about it anymore.

1. People tend to come off as being self-absorbed when they're going through something difficult.
2. I'm trying to make sense of what happened. That's quite normal when you break up with someone, especially considering the circumstances.
3. Change my strategy? I wanted this thread to end since post #5. It's quite normal to feel a whole range of emotions when you're going through something like this.

Originally Posted by CopperStar

This is a passive-aggressive accusation that she never cared about you, deliberately tried to hurt you and is a hypocrite. You're mad at her and seem to try to mask it with "I just want to understand". No you're pissed. Try owning that feeling instead of needing to be the "good one." It's okay to be pissed. It's better to just own it as a natural part of the grieving process, than to try to mask it with self-righteousness that gives you away, regardless.

No, I'm saying her behaviour was hypocritical/contradictory; like many avoidants, in fact. Though yes, I have reason to believe that she had intended to hurt me at one point (I suspect that was fuelled by anger). I know what anger is, and I am not angry. Either take my word for it, or don't.

Originally Posted by CopperStar

Probably in the exact same way you described earlier on. You're insecure and needy. If someone wants to have a relationship with you, they have to constantly reassure you. And because you come across as so sensitive, most people will be afraid to tell you the truth lest you fly off the deep end over it. After you've pressured someone into pretending like everything is fine, you turn around and disparage their character for pretending like everything was fine, and try to diagnose them with a personality disorder.

I did become insecure and needy, that's common when you're in a relationship with an avoidant person. I hope you'll consider reading the book I mentioned in my other thread, it goes into this in some detail.

Originally Posted by CopperStar

You've obviously never been put to the test, because your own attachment style keeps you in a state of desperation. Don't confuse desperation with higher morality. If you are desperate to hold onto people and desperately lonely, that is what will keep you from letting people go. Not some saintly dedication to having infinite energy, patience and love for other people, as you seem to want to believe about yourself. There are tons of reasons as to why Person A might need to let Person B go, even though Person A shared meaningful experiences and felt love for Person B. Just because you lack the experience in life to understand that, doesn't make it not so. You will likely gain experiences that will teach you these things once you are no longer a very desperate person.

Actually, this was my first relationship in over 8 years. I'm not very social, and I don't have any close friends. Admittedly, throughout my life there have been times where I have felt lonely, but it's never been a big problem for me. I don't NEED a partner.

Originally Posted by CopperStar

The self-righteous narcissist with a martyrdom complex. You definitely don't seem malignant or predatory to me, though. I wouldn't go so far as to speculate that you have a full-blown personality disorder. But you do express having the vulnerable traits. Own your ****, especially your anger, and you'll probably heal much faster.

...OK?... at this point, I could easily make a case for diagnosing you with a bunch of things, as well as assassinate your character... but I'm not going to

If something I said upset you, I'd hope you'd just be upfront about it rather than attack me.

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

Damn right it's not your responsibility. But more important than that is that you CAN'T know the answers to these questions, it's just not possible. As far as why did she break things off, did she ever care for me, what went wrong, etc.

But maybe instead of filling in the blanks with the worst things you can imagine (she never loved me, she never cared for me, it was all lies, she'll never think about me again, she didn't care if she hurt me, etc), it might bring you more peace to be more rational about it and acknowledge that you don't know any of that. It's just your own anxious style assuming the worst.

There is also a complete disregard for her needs, if what she needed was space and to isolate or to completely move on altogether. You're too busy focusing on YOUR needs and what you needed from her, what you wanted from her, what you expected from her. Like how dare she isolate or move on, after you gave her the privilege of sharing some close times with you. Are you able to see this other side of the coin?

You'll probably never know why she made the choices she has, regarding you and the friendship, but due to the unknowns it's a neutral situation. You can choose to assume the absolute worst about her, or you can choose to assume the absolute best, or you can choose to acknowledge that you just don't know but at least you were able to get some good, shared things out of it while it lasted, things that may have helped you develop or cope in those moments, things that she was able to give to you, and chose to give to you, at those times.

You can have a little collection of good memories to keep as you go forward to experience more good things with new people, or you can choose to tarnish and discount and devalue the whole thing in your mind and go forward with pessimism. Although you should know that if you choose the latter, you are working your way towards becoming someone more like me and your former friend. That's how it happens.

This seems pretty dismissive. I interpret it as saying "OP you're being selfish, your ex had a right to do the Mexican hat dance all over your heart when you were going through major grief and you have no right to be upset because you don't know WHY she did it". Sorry, but people don't get a free pass on treating others like crap just because they supposedly have their reasons for doing so!

[Permacultural]

One tool that helped me on the breakup journey was listening to relationship podcasts, by doing that I could hear other men's stories. It got me distanced from my feelings about it. There's also a good book or cd it's called "they call it a break-up because it's broken". More than anything, that phrase has stuck with me more than anything I actually read in the book.

[hazn]

I really appreciate all the replies and advice, but can I please request that the thread is closed. I can tell where this is potentially going to go, and it's not going to be good.

[Permacultural]

Originally Posted by hazn

I really appreciate all the replies and advice, but can I please request that the thread is closed. I can tell where this is potentially going to go, and it's not going to be good.

I think all you need to do is flag your first post in the thread so a moderator can help you. Just hit the caution triangle with the ! on your post, at the bottom of your profile on the left.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by hazn

Realising that someone you care about doesn't actually care about you is the most horrible feeling ever.

It's like the whole relationship meant absolutely nothing.

I know this is me feeling sorry for myself and being overly emotional, but that's how I feel right now. How do other people deal with this?

I clipped out those first two sentences to reply.

Grieving a relationships end takes time. I've learned over time that it's not usually about not caring or there was no meaning. It's usually about lacking the correct compatibility to maintain and grow a relationship. It takes two to make or break a relationship. The first few months without contact are toughest as one renavigates life without the other person.

I'd like to say that over time one forgets the other, however that's typically not reality. Gets easier as life moves on.

Sorry you are hurting so much from this.


Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

[TheWell]

Closed at the request of the OP