Relationship In Dire Need of Help

Hey Guys. I need advice. My life is a joke. If you want to respond please know that I do not want you to say whether I should like her or not because I do and I will continue to like her, I am asking what I should do or if I should just try my hardest to become friends and stay there. Please if you can read all of this or at least skim through it, please if you can REPLY, and ANSWER MY QUESTIONS AT THE END and what you think I should do.
My relationship is going south and now so is my life. It isn’t necessarily the fact that she is gone that I feel my life is getting worse, it kind of is, but it is the fact that she was helping me through everything else in my life. I have known her for about a year now and I have always liked her since the moment I first started to really get to know her, which was early on. We live away from each other and haven’t had the opportunity to meet, I know you guys are probably going to roll your eyes to that. The thing is that I have really bad anxiety and depression and it hurts me and it is ruining me. I have really bad intrusive thoughts to the point where I don’t leave my room and I can’t enjoy spending time with people. Due to this I have really no friends in real life and I am very lonely and depressed the majority of the time.

So after knowing each other for quite a while about two months ago she said that she liked me and I told her that I had always liked her too. She said that she had always liked me but didn’t think that I liked her so she never really talked about it. And from there everything got a lot better. I think it would also be wise to mention that I told her about my anxiety and depression and the fact that I don’t socialize in real life only a little after we met, so she knew about it before she said she liked me. It was great from there we would always send each other cute little messages in the morning when we got up and again when we were going to bed and we would talk throughout the day. I really liked her… I really do still. For the past month we have been flirting back and forth and doing video calls and talking to each other a lot more and I was really happy to the point where my depression and anxiety were getting better and I wasn’t feel lonely. I was getting less thoughts and I was starting to be happy for the first time in a really long time.

She talked about how when we meet up she would want to kiss me and that she would want to date. She kept saying that she loved me and I kept saying it back and I really did mean it. But then a couple days ago just randomly she just went off. Less than 24 hours before we were talking like we always do and we were both happy. I don’t think I said anything wrong! I have been looking back and trying to find out what I said that could have caused this but I don’t see anything that would do this.

I was going to bed so I sent her a message saying, “I hope you had a great day. I've been thinking about you. Goodnight! I love you, just a reminder.” Because I was thinking about her and I was thinking about how happy she makes me.
But then she just reply, “I can’t” she said, “I can’t take it, I can’t take it and I don’t like it. I don’t like you saying you love me. I don’t like you flirting with me. I don’t like it I can’t take it. I know I have been playing a part in it too and flirting with you and saying all these things but I thought I wanted it but I don’t I can’t. I just want us to stay friends.”
Remember that less than a day before she was saying she loved me and that she wanted to kiss me. But now she just can’t? I like her a lot and she has helped me so much through my thoughts and depression. And after this I overreacted and even though I didn’t say anything I fell apart on the inside and I fell back into my depression harder than I ever have. And I started to do self-harm again that night. The next day he found out about it, one of my friends that is also her friend told her. And she said that she didn’t hate me and that I was her best friend. She also kept saying how she wasn’t made at me and that she was sorry for last night and that she felt terrible. She said she was sorry but she had to say what was on her mind and that that I was poison to her heart. She said the she was so afraid of leading me on and such and that she really did like me and that she still kind of does but that being together wouldn’t be good for either of us. I kept telling her that none of it is her fault and that I have problems I have to fix and those are not her fault. And it just got better from there because that friend of mine told her I was suicidal which I am not and she started freaking out about that. And I kept telling her that I am not and that he doesn’t know what he is talking about. He later apologized he just said he thought I was.
And now she said "I just need some time, okay? I think we need space from each other for a while I know that you want to be with me, I get that you love me, I understand that you've never really had a friend like me before. But right now we are only hurting each other and I don't want that to become our friendship."

That friend I was talking about was talking to her and he told me she said, “if he gets too attached to me, and we break up, where would that leave him? what would that leave him with? nothing. he would be broken” and yes I would be broken but I would rather be broken and know that I actually was able to be in a relationship with her then to have it end now and never know if I had a chance. Or did I miss my chance?

I really like her and I want us to be together. But if that can’t happen I want at least be friends. But now she wants to take a break and not even really be friends right now. I don’t want to lose her not only because she helps me though my anxiety and depression but because she means so much to me as a friend and as a person. I really like her and I really want her to love me or at least be good friends. It would be absolutely horrible though if she loved me but she wasn’t happy because she makes me happy and if she is not happy in this relationship I won’t be either. Now I just have to wait it out and see what happens.

I don't even know if I ever want to date anyone for fear that I will hurt them. As I said I am horrible at socializing andI rarely talk to anyone, so I especially don't want to lose her because she is one of my only friends.

What I want to know is, is it over? Is having a relationship ruined? Could we still be great friends if we don’t have a relationship? And what should I do in this position? This is stressing me out and that doesn’t help my anxiety.

I'm sorry, but I think you answered your own question. Time will tell. She wants time and space, and unless you give that to her, even friendship won't work.
Some of the best friends don't talk to each other for long periods of time. No one wants someone who is needy, but I get it. I'm needy myself. We all long for that closeness, and some of us, when we get that, get scared. I think she might just be afraid of her own feelings for you. Give it time, try to relax about it, and find something that makes you somewhat happy, something you enjoy to pass the time. If we don't have our own happiness, things we find enjoyable, we can't make others happy ourselves. Just my two cents. Best wishes to you!

Thanks for the advice.

Give her space. I noticed that you focus everything on yourself, but the truth is that you only know parts of her. She could have very real relationship anxiety issues of her own and personal struggles that she deals with.

Love comes with pain. It's inevitable that those you love will also hurt you and those you love you will hurt. Love and intimacy goes hand in hand with vulnerability.

I think that from the way you just expressed yourself that you are a great person, and any normal person would love to be your friend. I know the lonely feeling all too well. its a sad feeling. But you gotta give yourself more credit,that you are in fact able to socialize.. if you believe in yourself. i think she may be going through some difficult feelings and maybe became afraid that she was using strong words to describe her emotions and maybe they really made think...i don't know people need other people. but sometimes we goabout having relationships in the wrong way.Our hearts know the truth but our minds mess it up ..sometimes..we also can't depend on others to make us happy. you have to find your own happiness. i know its hard..trust me..but we gotta do it.

also, if she became upset with you for no reason then i would give her space. because its not fair to you.. She shouldn't want to be your friend out of sympathy. She should want to be your friend out of love and respect.so if the relationship is over for some silly reason, then you should question if why you really want to be friends with someone who "flips" on you at any given time

That is true. I believe though that it was more of her just not knowing exactly what she wants in a relationship or if she wants one it was that sudden thought that scared her and now she is questioning having a relationship with anyone. I am not a great person really. And I can't see how I can socialize. I was never good with other people and my intrusive thoughts make having people, especially people I care about, hard to stay close to. I don't want to hurt anyone but my thoughts want me to think otherwise.

If you don't mind I want your opinion on something. Now I don't even know if I ever want to have a relationship. not because of how this turned out but thinking back on what I am like as a person and the problems I have. I have intrusive thoughts and I hate food. I am not diagnosed as anorexic and I am not saying that I am I just don't enjoy or like any foods and am underweight. I have always dreaded ever having a relationship in that aspect because I what will I do if they want to go out on a date? I feel sick even when eating only a portion of a serving. I do not know how I could ever love anyone or even have friends because I don't enjoy and tasks that I could do with anyone. Should I give up on having friends?

Thanks for the advice I will really have to do some thinking.

i think you should be kinder to yourself. Your human and even if you hate food, you still need to eat for energy and life. start telling yourself good things like: Im smart and nice enough that i will make a great friend. sometimes its other people who hurt us... not that your hurting them. you did enjoy your conversation with this girl which means your capable of socializing..you just need to build your self esteem. ...self affirmations may help. believe in your own beauty........not what the world says.....hope this helps..

No!!!! Don't give up on having friends!

I have food issues but mine are linked to food sensitivities (wide and varied). It's SO hard to go out to eat and eating at another persons house is out of the question. It is hard to work around and some people are flat out jerks about my food issues, but if I eat the wrong thing I can end up in a lot of pain with skin scarring due to the reactions I have. It is possible to engage in social activities that don't revolve around food.

Just my opinions here. You were really clear in the beginning of your post that you wanted your questions answered, so this is meant to be supportive:

It's probably over man. Having a relationship with someone else is not ruined though. You probably won't be "great" friends if you don't have a relationship, maybe you and she will be occasionally friendly. In this position you should leave her alone.

Why do I have these opinions based on what you've typed out? Cuz given your lack of social experience, depression, and anxiety, you took a huge risk in trusting her with your feelings. You probably haven't had any experiences like this before, so you fell hard for her. I can definitely relate to how it feels to be rejected by someone you trust. But here's the thing... The reason I said "it's probably over" is because she can't undo rejecting you.

So if she were to "change her mind", and you agreed, wouldn't there be the anxiety that it (her quick rejection) might happen again? Maybe, maybe not. For me, that anxiety was always there. And the fact that I was anxious also changed the dynamic. I needed lots of reassurance from her. And she grew tired of my worries. I drained her energy, and she drained my energy.. And I ended up more hurt than before.

By the way I would like to point out that even if you were depressed and anxious, and she helped you, maybe you can see that you allowed your depression and anxiety to be helped. That was only a choice that you could make. Those positive feelings you felt came from within you. So there must be something about socializing that is helpful and positive. And you certainly don't have to restrict socializing to just her. Maybe you can think of this as a learning experience.

Thank you. Even though I don't really want to admit it I think that you are right, it is probably over. If she wanted to undo her rejection I wouldn't say no but I would aim for being friends I don't know if I could try to actually fall for her again.

Thank you for the response. I try to be social but I just can't I am horrible with people and I am starting to just accept that I won't have friends because everyone I talk to always pushes me away with insults and I have trouble finding people that care. I don't do anything anymore and I don't know what to do but there is nothing you guys can do to help with that.

Thanks again for the reply and the support, have a great day.

You should tell your doctor about the sick feeling you get when eating foods. You might have IBS or another physical issue with food. You may need to control what you eat and you will be fine. Your eating has nothing to do with having friends.

Talk to a doctor about what type of foods might work for you. You might be allergic to certain foods. People online might not be who they say they are. She might be married or in a relationship and you won't have ways to find out. Don't give up on finding friends. I hope you are in therapy and seeing a doctor

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