[connect.the.stars]

I am having a really hard time overcoming fear of meeting new men. I have small talk with male coworkers at the office, bump into males at grocery stores, chat with males online, but I never feel like I ever want to get to know anyone personally for fear of getting my hopes up that something is going to happen. I am polite and don't refuse people's invitations to get coffee. But now I am beating myself up for even agreeing to such a stupid thing. I'm clearly not ready to be seeing anyone. I have been hurt too many times in this fashion. I don't know why I am letting myself continue to be hurt with the possibly of maybe bumping into the right person. Whenever I encounter a stranger who is male and similar to my age, I immediately avert eye contact. I don't want them to notice me, but part of me also hopes they might notice how fearful I am and do something nice to show me it's ok to interact with someone of the opposite sex. But even if they were nice to me, I doubt they would want to be with a girl who has dysthymia. Short instances are ok, but if someone got to know me long term they would see that I am almost always depressed. My parents keep nagging me about my diminishing youth (seriously only 23 though) and how I need to find a husband now so I can get married in three years and blahblahblah...I know they only mean well for me. But I am sick and tired of getting to know people only to be disappointed, hurt, and lonely all over again.

Has anyone had a similar experience and found a way to either overcome the fear of meeting new people or be comfortable living alone forever?

[divine1966]

At 23 no need to give up! I wonder if you would be comfortable with settings that are structured such as meeting people in a class or a hobby group etc something that is structured rather than meeting people and not know what to say. Community classes? Exercise? Meetup groups? No need to find a husband at 23 but you could expand social circles

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[Bill3]

What have been typical thoughts and typical interactions with others that have followed breakups?

[JustJenny]

Originally Posted by connect.the.stars

My parents keep nagging me about my diminishing youth (seriously only 23 though) and how I need to find a husband now so I can get married in three years and blahblahblah...I know they only mean well for me. But I am sick and tired of getting to know people only to be disappointed, hurt, and lonely all over again.

That is a big stressor. I had a friend whose parents would say things like "Why do you bother with this useless education, you should get married and have a family". We were both around 23 at that time. My mother was very discreet about it, but she did say things like "You will probably have to wait for the "second round", when the men your age will start getting divorced." Did that comment make any sense? You tell me.

Don't worry about this. Time will come and you will meet the right person. Just be patient and in the meantime live your life, study/work - do what is best for you.

P.S. Do you live with your parents?

[Serzen]

I find it really difficult to get to know people. It's been almost three years since my relationship finished and I haven't been with anyone since then.

I'm very selective with people and an introvert, so that makes things very hard. I'm not desperate either, although there are some days I wish this could be easier for me.

I am ready for a new, serious relationship but apparently nothing's coming. But oh well, you never know...

[connect.the.stars]

Originally Posted by divine1966

At 23 no need to give up! I wonder if you would be comfortable with settings that are structured such as meeting people in a class or a hobby group etc something that is structured rather than meeting people and not know what to say. Community classes? Exercise? Meetup groups? No need to find a husband at 23 but you could expand social circles

Thanks divine, I didn't think about this until you brought it up. But I am definitely much more comfortable in a structured setting. I do think it is time for a change in my daily routine. I want to sign up for some art classes

Originally Posted by JustJenny

Don't worry about this. Time will come and you will meet the right person. Just be patient and in the meantime live your life, study/work - do what is best for you.

P.S. Do you live with your parents?

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I'm not worried about being unable to meet the right person (given the amount of time I have). I am worried about my defense mechanisms which are causing me to close off and not even want to meet or get to know anyone. People say "If you don't try, you'll never succeed." Right now, I'm too scared to even try. And when I do try, I immediately get frustrated with myself and purposely blow up my own chances. If I go in with the mindset "I don't want this," then no amount of people that I meet is going to change my mind =/

Right now I am working full-time. I do live with my parents, but given the hours I work every day, I hardly ever see them.

Originally Posted by Serzen

I'm very selective with people and an introvert, so that makes things very hard. I'm not desperate either, although there are some days I wish this could be easier for me.

Thank you for sharing that. I can relate since I am also an introvert. You put it in nice terms when you said you aren't desperate, but there are days you wish it could be easier. I wish it could be easier too. Glad to see that you have not given up hope just yet.

[connect.the.stars]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What have been typical thoughts and typical interactions with others that have followed breakups?

This is tough. Really tough. I probably can't explain it all here, but I'll give it a shot. I tend to replay all the possible conditions in my head of "what if this... would it have turned out like that?" The thoughts usually center around how awful of a person I am for not doing enough for someone or for doing something hurtful like being the one to initiate a break up. In fact, in four out of the five relationships I've been in, I have been the one to initiate the break up. In five other instances, I have seriously liked a person, but they were not interested. And cue the onslaught of thoughts about how pathetic I am for trying so many times and failing. When other people hear this, they're probably thinking "this girl needs to make up her mind and stop being unfaithful" or "she's so young and already f*cked up five serious relationships?" The even sadder part is, I've never gone into a relationship with the intention of breaking someone's heart or hurting them. And each time I broke up with someone I was crying non-stop. It hurt so f*cking bad. If you spoke to any of my close friends, they'd probably tell you I'm one of the most loyal people they know. Yet, here I am breaking hearts left and right. Doing whatever I please with no regards to anything anyone feels.

Ok I'm sorry sometimes I slip into that head voice which judges myself for all my mistakes. When I type like this, it becomes hard to discern if I actually think this or if I'm just playing my own devil's advocate.

On top of disliking my own shortcomings, I also feel guilt when I am not dating someone my parents approve of. They tell me I am making bad choices for the family. So I end up never telling them anything about any of my interactions with guys. I refuse to share my journey with them, and in the process I have estranged myself. So much to the point that they don't know me anymore. They constantly ask me if I have any interest in a guy or if I am thinking about dating anyone. I want to scream at them to just leave me alone. Because I am thinking about that. But my heart is so crippled I can't do anything about it.

Last night I couldn't stop crying. Just thinking about meeting a person for coffee made me hate myself all over again. For letting myself get my hopes up that maybe this time things would be different. That maybe I could find someone who'd understand my loneliness and not chastise me or shun me for it. I'm extremely broken. I doubt anyone would even want someone like me who cries all the time. But on the surface I don't show it. I look perfectly normal. I can deceive innocent people into thinking I'm a pleasant extroverted individual. But it is all just a lie. I am nothing but a leech. A parasite that will feed on any and all happiness people have to offer. Yet I give nothing but sadness and depression in return.

Sorry I turned dark again.. I really need to stop doing that.

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by JustJenny

That is a big stressor. I had a friend whose parents would say things like "Why do you bother with this useless education, you should get married and have a family". We were both around 23 at that time. My mother was very discreet about it, but she did say things like "You will probably have to wait for the "second round", when the men your age will start getting divorced." Did that comment make any sense? You tell me.

Don't worry about this. Time will come and you will meet the right person. Just be patient and in the meantime live your life, study/work - do what is best for you.

P.S. Do you live with your parents?

The second round? I'm the same age as guys in their second round. There's a reason why they divorced! I'm not really interested in any of them.

[ChipperMonkey]

Are you in therapy?

You ARE a lovable person....a lovable person who has her own struggles with depression. There are people out there who will love you for who you are and they won't see you as a depressed girl. They will see you for who you are and understand your struggles.

I think that therapy could help you reign in the negative thinking. Have you ever tried CBT? I know I recommend it a lot, but that's because I have such negative thinking issues myself and CBT is the only thing that's helped turn around my thinking style.

[Bill3]

(((((connect.the.stars)))))

In fact, in four out of the five relationships I've been in, I have been the one to initiate the break up. In five other instances, I have seriously liked a person, but they were not interested. And cue the onslaught of thoughts about how pathetic I am for trying so many times and failing.

Aw, cts, you blame yourself if the guy isn't interested and you also blame yourself if you are not interested. The common theme is to blame yourself.

(((((connect.the.stars)))))

It sounds like you have an enormous amount of hurt from your family and/or childhood. I know that people here would support you if you were to speak further about that here.

Are you seeing a therapist and if yes have you been looking at family and at relationships with her/him?

[connect.the.stars]

Yes, I am seeing a therapist. I don't think she is teaching me CBT. It is a different one called ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy). We have talked much about my family and relationships. I think my T takes my negative attitude toward my mother a little personally because my T is also an Asian mother. But at the same time I can see why my T would want to persuade me to bury all the hatchets I have with my mom.