[darlingbaby]

My younger sister has always been a very attractive woman. Even in high school she was would do gigs for modeling shoots which went onto early adulthood.

With her good looks, unfortunately, she's been the target of wrong men. Ever since I remember her dating, the guys shes been with have always been jerks with only one thing in mind. Or they've been emotionally abusive types.

Around about 10 years ago, she had her first strong serious relationship with one guy who seemed like a decent person. They broke up after 2 years which was a bit shocking to all of us in the family. But then about 2 years after that, they got back together again but broke up after another 2 years. But for the last 5 years, they've been off and on. Finally 2 years ago, he asked her to marry him, and they were engaged which made my sister very happy. She finally found the one and she was going to be married. Well, the guy broke up with her a month before the wedding. He told her he couldn't commit and didnt want to have a life of being married or having children.

This broke her apart. She obviously took it very hard. So last year we had our first talk since the breakup at xmas at our parents. I asked her how she was coping and she told me she's gotten a lot of support from her friends which has helped. She even went to therapy for a short while. But here is what concerned me : She told me she's done dating. She's done being hurt. Ever man she's met has hurt her. That she cannot take it anymore and she's just done with dating or thinking about ever getting married or having a family. This wasn't something I was expecting but I understood.

Most of the time now she spends is work and with her friends. most of her friends are single as well late 30s or early 40s (she is 40). They're all single women and travel a lot, like beautiful exotic places. I wish I could do the same But she is very happy with her freinds and her travels. I am happy for her, but still, I wish she would take another chance at finding someone. I almost feel like her traveling with her friends is some way of running away from her problems. Maybe I'm wrong thinking that. I just don't know.

So here is my worry - and I know i shouldn't worry - but I think she really deserves the best. She is beautiful inside and outside. She just has met the wrong guys. I just don't want her to give up. I know marriage and family is not for everyone, but I think deep down if it was possible she'd still like to meet the right guy and get married.

So what should i do? I told her what I felt but said it in a way not to offend her. But I was thinking If i was going thru what she went thru, I'd probably feel the same way. I am just mad that life/relationships have defeated her when it comes to finding a strong lasting relationship.

Thank you for reading this.

I think maybe she just needs a break? Can't blame her.. She's been through a lot, and just wants to have some time not thinking about guys. I wouldn't worry about that. Love will find her when she's ready to be found. In my experience, the best relationships are the ones that you never planned to have.

But I would start to worry the moment she starts turning guys down. I mean when she deliberately chooses to stay single instead of dating a guy that she actually likes. Then I would be worried, and take a serious talk with her. But for now, just let her live the life that she wants to live, and let her feel that she's done with men. I think she needs it.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by darlingbaby

My younger sister has always been a very attractive woman. Even in high school she was would do gigs for modeling shoots which went onto early adulthood.

With her good looks, unfortunately, she's been the target of wrong men. Ever since I remember her dating, the guys shes been with have always been jerks with only one thing in mind. Or they've been emotionally abusive types.

Around about 10 years ago, she had her first strong serious relationship with one guy who seemed like a decent person. They broke up after 2 years which was a bit shocking to all of us in the family. But then about 2 years after that, they got back together again but broke up after another 2 years. But for the last 5 years, they've been off and on. Finally 2 years ago, he asked her to marry him, and they were engaged which made my sister very happy. She finally found the one and she was going to be married. Well, the guy broke up with her a month before the wedding. He told her he couldn't commit and didnt want to have a life of being married or having children.

This broke her apart. She obviously took it very hard. So last year we had our first talk since the breakup at xmas at our parents. I asked her how she was coping and she told me she's gotten a lot of support from her friends which has helped. She even went to therapy for a short while. But here is what concerned me : She told me she's done dating. She's done being hurt. Ever man she's met has hurt her. That she cannot take it anymore and she's just done with dating or thinking about ever getting married or having a family. This wasn't something I was expecting but I understood.

Most of the time now she spends is work and with her friends. most of her friends are single as well late 30s or early 40s (she is 40). They're all single women and travel a lot, like beautiful exotic places. I wish I could do the same But she is very happy with her freinds and her travels. I am happy for her, but still, I wish she would take another chance at finding someone. I almost feel like her traveling with her friends is some way of running away from her problems. Maybe I'm wrong thinking that. I just don't know.

So here is my worry - and I know i shouldn't worry - but I think she really deserves the best. She is beautiful inside and outside. She just has met the wrong guys. I just don't want her to give up. I know marriage and family is not for everyone, but I think deep down if it was possible she'd still like to meet the right guy and get married.

So what should i do? I told her what I felt but said it in a way not to offend her. But I was thinking If i was going thru what she went thru, I'd probably feel the same way. I am just mad that life/relationships have defeated her when it comes to finding a strong lasting relationship.

Thank you for reading this.

If she needs to take a break from dating, that's her choice. I think it's healthy for her to take time to heal and begin to start a life where this on-again-off-again guy isn't in it. Even if she decides she never wants to date again, that's still her choice. If she's happy, that's what matters, regardless of whether or not it fits into society's idea of what a person should have to have to be happy. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

[ChipperMonkey]

I think you should leave her alone.

The very last thing that single people want from our married/partnered friends is having them feel bad for us for being single. And when we are single by choice, please don't try to fix us because we don't feel like something is wrong.

Everyone has a different path in life. Your sister has chosen a different path for the time being. If she's happy, what's wrong with that? She's been through the ringer with relationships, so I'm not surprised that she is taking time to be single right now. And actually its kind of nice being able to fully focus on yourself without constantly having to be concerned with someone else.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

I think you should leave her alone.

The very last thing that single people want from our married/partnered friends is having them feel bad for us for being single. And when we are single by choice, please don't try to fix us because we don't feel like something is wrong.

Everyone has a different path in life. Your sister has chosen a different path for the time being. If she's happy, what's wrong with that? She's been through the ringer with relationships, so I'm not surprised that she is taking time to be single right now. And actually its kind of nice being able to fully focus on yourself without constantly having to be concerned with someone else.

Well said. I really think you need to leave her alone and mind your own business. It is her life and her choice. Having a coupled sister/friend try to intervene just feels insulting and annoying. I know you mean well and think you want to help, but the reality is that she doesn't need your help. There is nothing wrong with her. Being single isn't a bad thing. It is what she is choosing for herself right now. Please respect her choice and try to stop pushing your desires into her. Just because *you* think she would be happier coupled doesn't mean that *she* feels that way. How would you like it if she kept trying to convince you that you would be happier being single and traveling, and suggested leaving your partner? No one likes other people interfering in their personal lives or questioning their life choices. If you push too hard, she might just cut you out of her life in order to escape the "advice."

[darlingbaby]

thanks for everyone's replies.

I am happy for her if she remains to be single. I just want her to be happy with herself if that is the choice she makes. I know other women who remained to be single and are happy. They have no qualms about having a partner. But they are absolutely sure about themselves of not being in any long term relationship.

I just want her to be absolutely sure if she wants to go this way. Not have any regrets. I agree the break will be good for her to find her way. I also hope she no longer has any contact with the Mr. on and off. (Personally I've been obsessed thinking about the guys she's been with that have all hurt her. I deeply want bad things to happen to them. But I guess that's a different topic in another forum).

If that is the path she takes and shes' happy I am happy for her too. Shes been travelling to beautiful places with her friends (I am so jealous), she's learning some newer ways of life like learning yoga and meditation, and she's opening her mind up to things she may not have before.

[BlueCrustacean]

Sounds like she's on the path to finding herself and rebuilding her self-esteem, which is key to building healthier relationships with men down the line. You can't love someone else fully if you don't love yourself.

Besides, who needs to be in a relationship all the time? I'm sure it won't be forever.

[divine1966]

It's ok not to date or not to date for awhile. That's her choice and it's a valid choice

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[ladytiger]

Your sister sounds like me. I broke up with my bf of 10 yrs (we have no kids) and it was very painful because it was my decision. It's been almost 5 months of being single, I do feel so much happier don't feel controlled. I am still learning and re-discovering myself, I said a long time ago before meeting my now ex that I wouldn't date again.

Right now, I don't even want to date. If I wanted to, it'd be casual/short term on my TERMS! I was torn by my ex how he put another girl's feelings before mine yet he went back to her so they can be friends. He kept her on the back burner now she has a bf in her age group gee what did that say about her! He still has her on his friends' list she just wanted a daddy.

Sounds like your sister is on the right path she wants to take care of herself, her own emotional needs nothing wrong with that. God, I wish I could travel with friends when I please! Right now, my main concentration is getting a full time job and moving to another city that's it then everything will settle and I can work on other things.

Our society acts like it's the end of the world if you aren't dating/married or having someone attached to you - I consider our society to be very codependent.

[ChipperMonkey]

If you really are jealous, maybe you are subconsciously trying to sabotage her new found happiness.

People who truly are ok with others don't try to change them. On some level you disapprove of her lifestyle. I think you should examine your own reasons for trying to control your sister. And I think you should realize that you don't need to have a partner in order to be happy. i know this concept is completely foreign to a lot of people, that you can be single AND happy, but it's very possible!

I'm on the flip side and honestly think it's sad when people are dependent on others to make them happy and are miserable when not "half of a whole". I think this points to hidden unhappiness within and seeking others out to "fix" what is wrong inside.

[gayleggg]

If she is happy with the way her life is then let her enjoy it. Maybe marriage is not the path she needs. The main thing is that she is happy. And who knows, love may find its way into her life yet. There's still time.

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Originally Posted by darlingbaby

...I am happy for her if she remains to be single. I just want her to be happy with herself if that is the choice she makes. I know other women who remained to be single and are happy. They have no qualms about having a partner. But they are absolutely sure about themselves of not being in any long term relationship.
I just want her to be absolutely sure if she wants to go this way. Not have any regrets...

Absolutely sure? No regrets? NO ONE has such guarentees.

What is with all the "if if if"? Variations on "If that is the choice she makes..."" ...if she wants to go that way" etc.? This IS the path she IS taking. Stop making like she hasn't quite decided yet. She has. What does this continuing to question this show? That she hasn't made the choice you want her to make. Respect her choice. In not truly doing so, saying you're happy for her is actually kind of patronizing.

It's more than a question of someone's choosing to be single or not. It's about respecting the autonomy of an adult who is not causing harm to make decisions about their life. FFS, she's 40 years old! If she can't make her own decisions now, when will she be qualified to do so? It doesn't matter how carefully you tread. Even if you kept it 100% to yourself, your thinking is a dead giveaway that deep down you really do think you know what's better for her than she does.

Something I find rather puzzling is the idea that this seems to be seen as some sort of irrevocable decision. Or that a decision even needs to be made at all. But whatever. This is what she wants. Let it go.

I don't mean to be harsh or anything. I do think you mean well. It's just misguided.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I agree that she needs a break and some therapy. Hopefully this is just a phase. I mean think about how many times a lot of us have broken up and said "I'm done!" She needs time to heal. She's been through some pretty traumatic relationships and deserves time off for therapy and healing.

[darlingbaby]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

If you really are jealous, maybe you are subconsciously trying to sabotage her new found happiness.

People who truly are ok with others don't try to change them. On some level you disapprove of her lifestyle. I think you should examine your own reasons for trying to control your sister. And I think you should realize that you don't need to have a partner in order to be happy. i know this concept is completely foreign to a lot of people, that you can be single AND happy, but it's very possible!

I'm on the flip side and honestly think it's sad when people are dependent on others to make them happy and are miserable when not "half of a whole". I think this points to hidden unhappiness within and seeking others out to "fix" what is wrong inside.

did you read anything i wrote? or do you have trouble comprehending? the jealous thing was in jest. maybe you did not pick up on that.

I find your'e one of those people who reads into things inaccurately and tries to cause trouble instead of helping or giving advice.

Whatever path she takes I'm happy for her. I hope you can understand that.

[annabellacat]

Hmm. She sounds like an older version of me. Her life sounds nice. Ah. Let her have her break. Relationships are overrated. Sounds like she has a great life and is taking care of herself.

[annabellacat]

Originally Posted by darlingbaby

thanks for everyone's replies.

I am happy for her if she remains to be single. I just want her to be happy with herself if that is the choice she makes. I know other women who remained to be single and are happy. They have no qualms about having a partner. But they are absolutely sure about themselves of not being in any long term relationship.

I just want her to be absolutely sure if she wants to go this way. Not have any regrets. I agree the break will be good for her to find her way. I also hope she no longer has any contact with the Mr. on and off. (Personally I've been obsessed thinking about the guys she's been with that have all hurt her. I deeply want bad things to happen to them. But I guess that's a different topic in another forum).

If that is the path she takes and shes' happy I am happy for her too. Shes been travelling to beautiful places with her friends (I am so jealous), she's learning some newer ways of life like learning yoga and meditation, and she's opening her mind up to things she may not have before.

Don't wish bad things on her exes. People are human and all make mistakes. She sounds like she has an amazing life,seriously. I think you are worrying way too much.

[connect.the.stars]

It sounds like you're worried she's going to change her mind after she is done with her travels and then suddenly want to be in a relationship again. In which case, she shouldn't give up on dating now. But even if she does change her mind later, it would be because she wants to make that choice for herself. Just relax and trust her. She will find her own way of forming her own happiness in life. From the sounds of it, she's been taking good steps towards self-care by seeing a therapist and not going down any destructive paths (i.e. alcoholism). Traveling sounds like it would enrich her lifestyle.

Coming from personal experience, it actually takes a lot of pain and also a lot of determination for someone to openly declare that they don't ever want to be in a relationship again. My older sister was also very shocked and I could tell she wanted to persuade me otherwise. My best advice to you would be: Just be there to support her through this. I'm sure that your sister will really appreciate having your support, regardless of how things pan out in the future. There is no worse feeling than that of disappointing someone you love with a choice you really want to make for yourself.

You sound like a very caring sister. So I really hope that you can see that your sister will be fine and she will be happy. Be there with her so that she doesn't feel abandoned again. She needs all the support she can get from her friends and family. And I say that because it is what I wish for every day.

[Only_Human1983]

She sounds like the person I long to be!! I would love to find someone and you can see from my previous posts that it almost consumes me and I'm the other end of the spectrum. I think being more like myself and wanting to find someone is more of a problem. She sounds like she has it altogether and unless she is concerned then you needn't be.

They say things happen when you least expect them, so I'm sure love will come along for her when it's meant to be.

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