[TishaBuv]

"Do you get some kind of joy by making me miserable?", was the last thing my mother said to me. I momentarilary paused, halfway out her door, in shock from her stabbing words. My mind raced with wondering where her thought even came from. I remembered the mantra my sister told to write 100 times "You can't argue with a delusional person". I simply turned and left.

Crying the whole drive back home, unable to continue my day's errands because I was too upset to be in public, I wondered if her accusation was right.

First of all... How did I make her miserable? I went to her house to bring her a belated Christmas present. I apologized to her for not being with her on Christmas and explained that I am in such an unhappy place because of my awful marriage that I just didn't have it in me to be giving toward anyone else-- I ran away and sat on my sister's couch for two days.

Never mind that I rescued my parents financially by agreeing to give them enough money so that they could stay in their home and maintain their live style.

But she had to start throwing stuff in my face, taking jabs at me that it was her worst day ever and if it hadn't been for the well-wishers on Facebook... The final straw was she insisted on reading me the lovely message from this man. The story is so crazy I can't even go into it and why it was especially painful for me to hear. When she first told me he wrote her, I said very nicely "That's really nice." But she insisted on reading me the message she had printed out. I told her "I'm sorry, I just can't do this. I have to go." She said, "Don't you dare leave!" I said, "Don't you realize I just sat here telling you how I have done nothing but cry, I am so depressed, and was so mistreated by my husband?"

But it had to be about her. You can't get compassion from a Narcissist. I would think a loving mother would say "I understand dear". But instead she gave me a good stab. I literally felt a cold, metal blade in my heart.

I just can't do these relationships. It's just too impossible. I am not even myself anymore. I will just cook and clean and keep my mouth shut. No phone calls to anyone. No doing anything. My kids can do what they want and have a good time. My husband can sit in another room if he chooses to stay. I'm done. What's the point of living now? Please G-d just finish me off.

My heart goes out to the people who deserve to live. I feel guilty for breathing. It's ok with me to give my life away to someone more deserving. Maybe I'll be reincarnated and learn in the next life to save myself. I give up.

Eh, these are just 'letters I've written never meaning to send'. Now I'll delete this. Go beat myself in the head. This is a woman who needs medical help. No help for me. What good is money? Nobody cares.

So social, that if I can't get along with people, I don't want to live. Why are humans such social animals? Why do I have such a hard time ONLY with husband and mother? Why is this STILL going on?

Good people of PC, I'm not really asking for advice or criticism, just venting because I am obsessed with my problems. These mean actions and jabs I get from husband and mom repeat never-ending in my mind. Relationship OCD?

I don't end it, I play into it. Once I thought he was going to get his gun and shoot me and I stood there ready to let him do it. He didn't get the gun. Instead he came out dressed in an Underdog costume that he made because I had told him I had a crush on the cartoon character when I was little.

[divine1966]

I am so sorry you are hurting honey is there anything you can do just for yourself like spa, do your nails or clothes shopping? Or take yourself out or watch funny movie? Anything to treat yourself? I wish you lived close by I would take you out for fun girl time.

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[JustJenny]

I think you should distance yourself from your mother for just a little bit. Stop calling her and when she calls keep the conversations brief. This is not to punish your mother, this is to give you some space to think about it. The fact that talking to her destroyed your day means that you cannot handle her right now. Too much is too much. She is going to be fine without you.

The thing you call Relationship OCD is something I can relate to a little. I have a Job OCD so to speak - I keep having work conversations in my head. These thought are very harmful because they can bring you down even if nothing in your environment has changed. Try to occupy your mind with something else, something good.

[TishaBuv]

Thanks! And I never tell people who know me this stuff. My few friends know there are problems and now I am so withdrawn I just don't do anything. I need a Thelma and Louise spree!

[TishaBuv]

How deep it cuts! Nobody can cut me deeper! Thinking about the truth to her statement-- "Do you get some kind of joy out of making me miserable?"

She essentially called me a sadist. OK, so am I a sadist?

First of all, I have had very little joy for a very long time. The joy I feel are at moments... My kids say something cute, I make myself laugh, there are moments of love and bonding between me and my husband, and I actually enjoy my mother's company and doing nice things for her like taking her out to a nice lunch and shopping.

This does not sound like getting joy from causing pain?

Ahhh, but let's delve deeper. This is how her demonic statements can cut to the core. See, there's dark truths in everything. With all my generosity and seemingly good intentions, she is managing to point out that she sees there is such deep, dark evil lurking within me. I really want to just cause her misery and I get JOY out of it. Ouch.

Maybe I'm a massochist and I get joy in an even more twisted way. Maybe that's why I have this tangle with my husband, too. See, my mother is exceptionally brilliant and perceptive. She can blow you away with a word because it's true.

When my sister was just about to take her first steps down the aisle at her wedding, my mother said to her "Remember, this is only your first wedding." Isn't that special!?

Now, if and when I confront her about the comment she just socked me with, she will say she doesn't even remember saying it, tell me to get over it, and say that she just says things she doesn't mean when provoked.

What I wanted from her was compassion and for her to cut it out with her vain ego trip. I am still a toddler wanting Mommy to pick me up and she won't!

[TishaBuv]

Thinking about this solution:

I'm going to write an email to Mom, Dad, and Husband:

Seeing as Mom and I just can't get along, I am deferring the matter of financial support to Husband. Leave me out of it.

Mom's last smack in the face comment "Do you get some kind of joy by making me miserable?", and her refusal to communicate and apologize was the last straw.

The old adage "Sticks & Stones Can Break My Bones,
But Words Will Never Hurt Me" comes to mind ...

What Poppycock that saying is!

Not only do words hurt, their wounds go
deeper and take much longer (if ever) to
heal!

And when these darts are thrown at us by our
abusive parents, they go even deeper and take
even longer (if ever) to heal!



I'm sorry you got this kind of parent too ... They
toadally suck and don't deserve our time or effort
now that we're an adult to make connections they
pfailed to establish with us when we were children -
especially when they insist on continuing to be
abusive towards us!

EFF THEM! (Directed At Mine, Not Yours)!

Pfeels good to say it out loud though ... Kinda
empowering in a way ... It kicks the bully they
left in our brain to the curb and takes the wind
out of its sails, if only momentarily!

I wish you the best in pfinding a solution that
is helpful pfor you too!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!



ps. I'd quit "supporting" them pfinancially too ... That's NOT Your Job!

[TishaBuv]

I called her and demanded an apology. She said she didn't remember making the comment, but apologized for everything she ever said that hurt me. She then twisted everything around and said she was so loving and caring and was trying to say things to me to make me feel better. I told her how she was saying things to me to make me feel bad. She said "Why don't you go back to being you and not THIS PERSON you've become?" And she wanted an apology from me for causing her such pain.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Pfrog

The old adage "Sticks & Stones Can Break My Bones,
But Words Will Never Hurt Me" comes to mind ...

What Poppycock that saying is!

Not only do words hurt, their wounds go
deeper and take much longer (if ever) to
heal!

And when these darts are thrown at us by our
abusive parents, they go even deeper and take
even longer (if ever) to heal!



I'm sorry you got this kind of parent too ... They
toadally suck and don't deserve our time or effort
now that we're an adult to make connections they
pfailed to establish with us when we were children -
especially when they insist on continuing to be
abusive towards us!

EFF THEM! (Directed At Mine, Not Yours)!

Pfeels good to say it out loud though ... Kinda
empowering in a way ... It kicks the bully they
left in our brain to the curb and takes the wind
out of its sails, if only momentarily!

I wish you the best in pfinding a solution that
is helpful pfor you too!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!



ps. I'd quit "supporting" them pfinancially too ... That's NOT Your Job!

Yeah pf*ck them! ;-)

[TishaBuv]

She just called me back acting like the whole thing's blown over. She needs me to do something for her. I agreed and now it's like nothing happened. OK, abusive mother that I can't get away from. Dealing with it.

[Cat_Lover_58]

She sounds so much like my mother. I didn't talk to her for a few years, and now pretty much just on holidays. Mine is toxic and always twists things. My sisters see the situation and I've got them to support me. I've also decided that I will let her into my life on the surface...Christmas, Thanksgiving...even my grown daughters don't much like her. I've poisoned them is her version...

I'm taking care of me first. I live a mile from her but don't have a car. So running over there to help her is out. I am also looking to move to a less costly place in February, so that will help too.

I don't hate her, but MY mental health is TOP priority! Best of luck to you. It's not easy to set boundaries when they are making things tough, but it is doable.

[TishaBuv]

I'm going to try not being alone with her. Phone calls are only about plans. She will be abusive in groups, though, but at least there are witnesses.

[TishaBuv]

This one was a funny incident:

Once, my sister, mom, and I went to visit my aunt and her daughter at their friend's condo at an elegant beach resort town. We got there hours ahead of them and went to the grocery store before going to the condo.

My aunt has special dietary needs and cousin is a vegan so we were buying food for us to eat that they would eat (Mom's idea). My Mom had a melt down in the super market because she was so resentful about the food and started screaming and my sister and me like we were bad little children. She made a scene. This quiet little town never saw anything like it.

We get to the condo and are driving around for a half hour trying to find the unit and park. The key is supposed to be hidden by the door. We can't find the key. All the groceries are in the car in the summer heat. Mom is hysterical. My sister and I are now laughing. We are scaling the walls searching in nooks and crannies for the key.

We go back into the glass elevator to try to go back to the car because we can't get into the condo. My mom walks smack into the glass elevator wall and stuns herself. My sister pees in her pants. The elevator opens to a nice family staring at us on the floor peeing and rolling with our mom dazed and hysterical.

[divine1966]

That's how my dad is. Very dysfunctional. We can't change them

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[unaluna]

There are books and online support groups. Google mean mothers.

[TishaBuv]

"Be the person you used to be, not the person you've become." Argh! That makes me so angry! Talk about family's support for a person with MI! Note to self: Never tell an abuser to stop abusing you, it will only make them abuse you more!

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

"Do you get some kind of joy by making me miserable?", was the last thing my mother said to me. I momentarilary paused, halfway out her door, in shock from her stabbing words. My mind raced with wondering where her thought even came from. I remembered the mantra my sister told to write 100 times "You can't argue with a delusional person". I simply turned and left.

Crying ...

I'm sorry that happened By now, you have to know that she is not going to change. If you want to stop being hurt you have to stop giving her the opportunity to hurt you.

[TishaBuv]

Saw her today and she said "May G-d strike me dead, you told me you were going to give me monthly money for five years and now you've changed the deal and are saying it is only for one year". She said this while beating her chest and emoting much beyond the scene where Scarlet O'Hara says 'I'll never go hungry again!". My son and sister were witnesses. I told her I never said five years and I resent her insisting I am lying. Silly mommy...

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Saw her today and she said "May G-d strike me dead, you told me you were going to give me monthly money for five years and now you've changed the deal and are saying it is only for one year". She said this while beating her chest and emoting much beyond the scene where Scarlet O'Hara says 'I'll never go hungry again!". My son and sister were witnesses. I told her I never said five years and I resent her insisting I am lying. Silly mommy...

She's beyond madder than hell at me because I beat her at her own game. She wears some expensive jewelry. I have been asking her not to wear it all the time because I am afraid she's going to get mugged and hurt. She just won't take off the jewelry. Thinks she's the queen. So, when I agreed to give her money, I made her take off her necklace and let me hold it as collateral! If looks could KILL! ;-)

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

She's beyond madder than hell at me because I beat her at her own game. She wears some expensive jewelry. I have been asking her not to wear it all the time because I am afraid she's going to get mugged and hurt. She just won't take off the jewelry. Thinks she's the queen. So, when I agreed to give her money, I made her take off her necklace and let me hold it as collateral! If looks could KILL! ;-)

A very slippery little old lady... She was wearing I the necklace and had her shirt buttoned up all the way so I wouldn't see she wouldn't take it off. I thought 'That's it!' And I made her let me put it away in a safe place and hold onto it in case she one day pays me back the 'loan'. I did it for her own good, but she doesn't see it that way. She hates me.

[JustJenny]

You know, if that would have happened to me I would stop talking to her. No visits and no phone calls. Her behavior is just so wrong on so many levels... And didn't you say she has a partner? Why is she attacking you so much?

Has she always been like this btw? She is 80, as far as I can remember - maybe it's just the age?

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry your mother cannot give you the love you deserve. Some people just aren't capable of giving love.

If you aren't in therapy, I would recommend it. Learning to accept your mother is not capable of what you need can be freeing. The same with your husband. And it can help you come to grips with what you need to do to help yourself. You should not have to suffer at the hands of others.

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[divine1966]

If she is broke she can sell her jewelry

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[healingme4me]

Looks like you gave her the power in her accusation about declaring that you can control the emotions of others such as the feeling of misery. From this vantage point sounds like she believes you have a magic feelings wand. much like a fairy godmother of feelings.

If your husband has control over the money promised to her, defer away.

Where's her pension? And other retirement benefits? Shouldn't her budget be fixed, at this point? Automatic monthly bill payments. Grocery store gift cards only?

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