[leomama]

Hi. Has anybody struggled with this issue within their relationship? I just lost my relationship over this. I found out my partner had been withholding information from me that I had been openly sharing with him. Does anybody have an example of a functional relationship where both people are seeing a psychiatrist or therapist? What level of disclosure do you have in your relationship? I need healthier boundaries going forward so I don't make the same mistake again.

[ChipperMonkey]

Can you share what he was hiding? Everyone deserves privacy, even in a relationship. Just because you feel comfortable sharing something doesn't mean that your partner feels comfortable sharing the same thing. Without knowing specifics its hard to say one way or the other as there are certain things that are very important to share in a relationship while other things are OK to be kept private from your partner.

[cluelessgal]

Your asking "Does anybody have an example of a functional relationship where both people are seeing a psychiatrist or therapist?" is a bit unfair.

Earlier, therapists were meant for the kooky people who heard voices or went in the complete opposite direction of the norm.

Today, more and more people have started taking therapy for any minor dysfunction in their life. And that, I believe is a very healthy sign. Seeing therapist separately is helpful if you are dealing problem as an individual. Say, you saw something traumatic as a child - like seeing someone die....it's something you probably want to deal individually, and not as a couple.

Psychologists believe we ALL have secrets. Different people have different level of secrecy. Maybe you share. Some people may like to share less.

Secrets which doesn't affect you being in a couple should be fine.

[leomama]

I'm sorry my wording was offensive. The question I am asking is what is a healthy level of disclosure about mental health issues within a long term committed relationship?

[leomama]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

Can you share what he was hiding? Everyone deserves privacy, even in a relationship. Just because you feel comfortable sharing something doesn't mean that your partner feels comfortable sharing the same thing. Without knowing specifics its hard to say one way or the other as there are certain things that are very important to share in a relationship while other things are OK to be kept private from your partner.

He was hiding that he was seeing a psychiatrist while I was fully disclosing to him that I was seeing one. This isn't the first time he's his something from me, but this one was particularly offensive to me because I had fully disclosed to him. I am trying to bring the relationship to a place of balance and I don't know what that is. I've never done this before. My last partner would never see a psychiatrist . I think it's great my partner is seeing a psychiatrist and I want to encourage that. What I don't want to keep doing is sharing my personal business with him thinking all is equal when it's not. Does that make sense?

[ChipperMonkey]

How long have you been with this person?

Maybe he has his reasons for hiding the fact that he sees a psychiatrist. Maybe he has private issues that he doesn't want anyone to know about. Maybe he is ashamed.

I think that maybe you're taking it personally when its his own personal issue?

Seeing a shrink is something that many keep private due to the stigmatism in society.

[JustJenny]

A dear friend of mine (she is married with kids) once told me that there should be no secrets in a serious relationship because once/if they come out, feelings can get hurt.

leomama, your partner was hiding something that you would have understood and wouldn't have judged him for. I think it indicates that your partner had some trust issues and he might have been hiding more things from you.

I think think there should be as little secrets in a relationship as possible because even a small uncovered secret can snowball into something big and nasty.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by JustJenny

A dear friend of mine (she is married with kids) once told me that there should be no secrets in a serious relationship because once/if they come out, feelings can get hurt.

leomama, your partner was hiding something that you would have understood and wouldn't have judged him for. I think it indicates that your partner had some trust issues and he might have been hiding more things from you.

I think think there should be as little secrets in a relationship as possible because even a small uncovered secret can snowball into something big and nasty.

Yes he has hidden other things from me before.
He expects me to not have privacy with him, that's why this was so upsetting to me. He has every right to privacy, and so do I. What's even worse he projects his trust issues on me and then blames me.
Thank you for responding.

[divine1966]

Did you ask him why he sees pdoc? And why he didn't share?

People see t for many reasons. I see a t but I have no mental illness whatsoever. Some people just see a t to talk about things to a neutral person

Some people are afraid to share as are afraid of judgement

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[leomama]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Did you ask him why he sees pdoc? And why he didn't share?

People see t for many reasons. I see a t but I have no mental illness whatsoever. Some people just see a t to talk about things to a neutral person

Some people are afraid to share as are afraid of judgement

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He is talking to a psych I referred to him. I don't have a problem that he's using the resource I gave him. I have a problem that there was a discrepancy in disclosure. He expected me to disclose my activities to him while he was keeping his private from me. That's what was so upsetting to me.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Did you ask him why he sees pdoc? And why he didn't share?

People see t for many reasons. I see a t but I have no mental illness whatsoever. Some people just see a t to talk about things to a neutral person

Some people are afraid to share as are afraid of judgement

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

He is talking to a psych I referred to him. I don't have a problem that he's using the resource I gave him. I have a problem that there was a discrepancy in disclosure. He expected me to disclose my activities to him while he was keeping his private from me. That's what was so upsetting to me.

Leomama, I may be way off the mark here, so ignore me if I am wrong....
You have a unique relationship with him and maybe he feels, because of who he is at his core, that your dynamic is exactly way it should be. I am not saying it is right or wrong. I am simply asking if it might be a possibility.
A lot of the time it's an equal-but-different kind of thing.

Possibly I am wrong and you are no longer together, and if that is the case, I apologize.

Whichever it is, your feelings are valid because they are your feelings. If you are upset, then you are upset. I just would not suddenly cease to share as retaliation. It seems wrong to me.

[divine1966]

I am confused. If you referred him to a psych and he is seeing him then why is this surprising? When you referred him did you not Expect him follow up? And you said he has BPD. Why him seeking treatment surprises you? Was he hiding actual appointments or what he is discussing there? Do you live together?

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[leomama]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Leomama, I may be way off the mark here, so ignore me if I am wrong....
You have a unique relationship with him and maybe he feels, because of who he is at his core, that your dynamic is exactly way it should be. I am not saying it is right or wrong. I am simply asking if it might be a possibility.
A lot of the time it's an equal-but-different kind of thing.

Possibly I am wrong and you are no longer together, and if that is the case, I apologize.

Whichever it is, your feelings are valid because they are your feelings. If you are upset, then you are upset. I just would not suddenly cease to share as retaliation. It seems wrong to me.

We are still together at the moment.

I'm not suddenly ceasing to share.

I am trying to bring the relationship back in balance.

I'm fine not sharing about psychiatry and therapy .

I just feel exposed because I was sharing all this time and he wasn't .

[leomama]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am confused. If you referred him to a psych and he is seeing him then why is this surprising? When you referred him did you not Expect him follow up? And you said he has BPD. Why him seeking treatment surprises you? Was he hiding actual appointments or what he is discussing there? Do you live together?

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He does not think he has bpd. I don't believe I said that he does on this thread. I am trying to not diagnose him anymore. He was working with this psychiatrist on the phone. We do not live together. He hid these phone conversations from me. I did not need to know the content. He hid this from me for at least 2 months and the money he was spending.

I understand now.

I think it's great that you are finding out what is, and is not, acceptable to you. After all, whatever kind of relationship you want, you have to both be on the same page. Trust is crucial to that.

[divine1966]

I am just trying to understand as I can relate to feeling betrayed or people hiding things as I had bad experiences too. Sometimes it's just a gut feeling. I had people hiding things too. Very frustrating

I just wonder if you two don't live together, him spending money can't be that big of a problem? Are you planning on combining finances? Do you feel he needed to tell you he consults a doctor over the phone? I personally don't feel like this is violation of trust the way some other things are. I call my gyn over the phone and never thought my fiancée would care? He calls his doctor about this or that. It doesn't bother me.
Well we live together so not many secrets there, but phone consultations are just so mundane IMHO .

I do understand violation of trust though as a concept. I just tend to get dramatically upset over minor things and wonder if it might be the case? I would hate you to end a relationship over this if he has good explanation .

I would try to press him to share why is he not sharing

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[yagr]

Originally Posted by leomama

I am trying to bring the relationship back in balance.
.

There are different ways of looking at balance. If he buys you a gift for ten dollars and you buy him a gift for ten dollars, there is balance. On the other hand, if you both have separate accounts, you are a CEO of a fortune 500 company that he is a janitor at; you have five million dollars in savings and he has fifty dollars in savings - then, he spent twenty percent of his savings on a gift and you spent 2/10,000ths of your savings on him.

It is the same with emotions. Perhaps you are more capable of sharing things with an intimate partner than he is. Perhaps you have greater quantities of trust. Perhaps he shares things with you that cause him anxiety that is through the roof - while you sharing your most intimate secret with him only leaves you feeling marginally vulnerable.

If I had to guess, I'd say that I used extreme examples - but a lesser example would work as well. I have no secrets from my wife. She has kept secrets from me - but she does her best not to. Her best is good enough - it would be unfair of me to hold her to a higher standard that that.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am just trying to understand as I can relate to feeling betrayed or people hiding things as I had bad experiences too. Sometimes it's just a gut feeling. I had people hiding things too. Very frustrating

I just wonder if you two don't live together, him spending money can't be that big of a problem? Are you planning on combining finances? Do you feel he needed to tell you he consults a doctor over the phone? I personally don't feel like this is violation of trust the way some other things are. I call my gyn over the phone and never thought my fiancée would care? He calls his doctor about this or that. It doesn't bother me.
Well we live together so not many secrets there, but phone consultations are just so mundane IMHO .

I do understand violation of trust though as a concept. I just tend to get dramatically upset over minor things and wonder if it might be the case? I would hate you to end a relationship over this if he has good explanation .

I would try to press him to share why is he not sharing

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Actually, he's planning on marrying me, so it does matter in that regard, as it cost him $2K and I told him that would not work once we got married.

He calls his psychiatrist over the phone because his psychiatrist lives in my state, not his state. So its not a phone consultant, its an actual session. I just won't disclose my appointments to him anymore. Its that simple. That equalizes the relationship. What do you think?

[leomama]

Originally Posted by yagr

There are different ways of looking at balance. If he buys you a gift for ten dollars and you buy him a gift for ten dollars, there is balance. On the other hand, if you both have separate accounts, you are a CEO of a fortune 500 company that he is a janitor at; you have five million dollars in savings and he has fifty dollars in savings - then, he spent twenty percent of his savings on a gift and you spent 2/10,000ths of your savings on him.

It is the same with emotions. Perhaps you are more capable of sharing things with an intimate partner than he is. Perhaps you have greater quantities of trust. Perhaps he shares things with you that cause him anxiety that is through the roof - while you sharing your most intimate secret with him only leaves you feeling marginally vulnerable.

If I had to guess, I'd say that I used extreme examples - but a lesser example would work as well. I have no secrets from my wife. She has kept secrets from me - but she does her best not to. Her best is good enough - it would be unfair of me to hold her to a higher standard that that.

You sound very forgiving. My partner is very murky and I am not and that is a huge difference between us.
I'm trying to look at this as a privacy thing and not a secrets thing because he has his right to privacy with his psychiatrist. However the financial part bothers me as we are planning on getting married and I would be very upset with him if he was spending $2K that I didn't know about and I let him know as much.

Your example was a good one as my partner makes much more then I do.

I agree with everything yagr said. In a marriage, "equal" doesn't really mean "same", financially or otherwise.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

So is this about the finances?

No this is about the privacy, and I was saying the finances do matter because we are planning on marrying.

[divine1966]

I just don't understand the issue. Why does he have to tell you about appointments? Like every single appointment he makes? Or just psychiatrist?

If he makes much more than you then 2k isn't that much. I would worry if he spent my money but that his isn't?i understand you worry as you two plan on getting married but you aren't yet. Does he overall have spending issues?

I honestly would have a problem if a man I am dating and who lives in a different state criticize how I spend my own earnings. It would be red flag for me.

What did he say when you got upset?

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Originally Posted by leomama

No this is about the privacy, and I was saying the finances do matter because we are planning on marrying.

Oh. You said you had lost the relationship so I am rather confused.

[leomama]

The issue is he expected me to tell him about my mental health care appointments . The solution is don't ask don't tell. I'm fine with not knowing and not telling . We repaired the relationship .