[alieninshadows]

Ah, Christmas has passed and a whole new slice of memorable conversations with my mom have emerged and now immersed in my mind.
I hate the situations she puts me in. She can do nothing but trash my dad, even though she divorced him when I was a baby, and continue to talk smack about my ex, whom I don't necessarily like to talk negatively about, especially around my daughter.
One thing you need to know about discussing anything with my mom is that she manipulates the conversation and will turn anything you say into an issue and making herself into a victim. She is a classic narcissist. Oh, but don't ever tell that to her or disagree with her in general. Only she is right and she is queen and deserves all the pity in the world.

Anyways, visits with her were going good until she decided to have me over for some small gathering with just ourselves. Music was playing, wine was flowing, it's not sounding like this is going anywhere good.
At some point, the nice discussion we were having turned into reminiscing about where we used to live. Then she started harping about the terrible life she endured with her 2nd husband.
Every now and then she would give me a chance to take the mic and want me to fill in my thoughts on situations that a 5 or 6 year old me could not possibly understand or comprehend back then, but apparently some of the guilt she felt was because of me and how I would complain about moving and everywhere we lived, apparently. Moving is tough on kids. As soon as I mention anything positive or explain why I don't want my daughter to live a life of constant uprooting, she cuts me off and gets defensive and won't shut up for minutes at a time. And then continues and goes on and on like the Energizer bunny.
Then she starts telling me about all the issues she had with my dad and retelling me how much of a cheapskate he is and that he was depriving her from a life so he could pay off a house faster and how my dad HATES Christmas and it was such an issue with her. I take everything she says with a grain of salt, but I don't think this is something I need to hear, especially time and time again.

On Christmas day, we had a family gathering and, other than it was the most boring dinner ever, it was the ride home that was long. She got into a conversation with her boyfriend, ranting about people being diagnosed with PTSD and that it's something they CHOOSE to be diagnosed with. She doesn't even know the real meaning of PTSD. She thinks it's all hooey and has to do with daily, normal stress. I was in the back, pretending I was sleeping through it all, but I just wanted to step in and take her for a drive down the path of empathy and education. Actually more like, ram her into a brick wall and see if I could shatter her wall of ignorance.

Then the other day she called and wanted to know if she could exchange my daughter's gift from her for something my daughter could really use. She got her a small kitchen appliance. But my daughter likes it and can use it now and take it with her when she old enough to move out. My daughter likes to think about the future and is wise and thankful like that. But my mom sounded rather odd when she called and I thought it was peculiar that a woman who is normally so focused on details and over thinks about everything, would give my daughter an adult present and then change her mind the day after Christmas. It's just odd.

I did get up the nerve to call my dad and ask him to clear up one rumor I was very nervous in asking about in the first place and it turned out to be true. My dad was very honest about it. But I was talking to him on the phone and couldn't see his expression. He wanted to get off the phone abruptly soon after. Then a about 20 minutes later my mom called regarding the present issue. I don't know what to think about this. I want to let all her baggage go and just move on with my life but she keeps dumping it all on me.

Originally Posted by alieninshadows

One thing you need to know about discussing anything with my mom is that she manipulates the conversation and will turn anything you say into an issue and making herself into a victim. She is a classic narcissist. Oh, but don't ever tell that to her or disagree with her in general. Only she is right and she is queen and deserves all the pity in the world.

That sounds exactly like my mother. Thankfully I managed to cut our contact down to a couple of phone calls a month, in the recent years. I've been considering cut off all contact for good, but that plan is gonna take some time...

Originally Posted by alieninshadows

Every now and then she would give me a chance to take the mic and want me to fill in my thoughts on situations that a 5 or 6 year old me could not possibly understand or comprehend back then, but apparently some of the guilt she felt was because of me and how I would complain about moving and everywhere we lived, apparently. Moving is tough on kids. As soon as I mention anything positive or explain why I don't want my daughter to live a life of constant uprooting, she cuts me off and gets defensive and won't shut up for minutes at a time. And then continues and goes on and on like the Energizer bunny.

And that sounds like my father used to be. I said "used to be" because it's been years since I saw him, ever since I left my home country. And I haven't spoken to him in years, but I'm sure he hasn't changed. But when challenged, he would simply gets all defensive, justifying his actions and invalidating my feelings at the same time.

Sorry I don't have anything useful to say to you. I just wanted to empathize.

[JustJenny]

I have a different problem with my mom. I cannot even describe it. I think she still sees me as a child although I am in my late 20s, I have a job, I am married and I live in another country. Although it may not sound so bad, her attitude towards me drives me crazy and we often end up in a big fight over essentially nothing. For example, during my wedding she kept making comments like "You are speaking too loud" and "You are behaving inappropriately". At some point I snapped and told her (when we were alone) to stop doing that. She got angry and told me a bunch of mean things like "At some point your husband and his family will see what a horrible person you are and they will turn their backs at you" and "Being with you makes me want to hang myself" ON MY WEDDING DAY! And then I had to apologize to her for overreacting because I didn't want to stay in a fight.

I feel bad every day about not talking to her enough and not visiting her for Christmas. Right now I have anxiety issues and I know I would not survive in her company. The good thing is that she doesn't seem to be upset about it.

Oh, and I am not telling her about my medical issues because she has a tendency to worry too much about everything. I share with her as little as possible now and mostly good news. She has no idea I have a burnout and that I am not working right now. Earlier she told me that I shouldn't work too hard because if I get a nervous breakdown I will be crippled for life, never recover from it and possibly die.

[ChipperMonkey]

She's not going to change. The only thing you can change is how much you see her, speak to her, and react to her. Good luck!

[alieninshadows]

I'm starting to keep it down to one short-ish phone call a week, since she gets very worried when she doesn't hear from someone more than 2 weeks. And go over there, maybe once a month or less. She already only makes a couple of short visits at my place a year.
I will not cut off all contact with her forever. I've thought that through and wonder if that would make me just as much of a narcissist. It's not always stressful when we get together, but when it is I use it as a challenge to see if I can find away to lessen the sting of her jabs.