[Only_Human1983]

I don't know if I've posted this in the right place, but I posted my last topic in here and so I though everyone would know me in this 'section' snd knows my past discussions about my relationship issues.

I am looking to find a good therapist as it is clear that I need to see one and majorly work on myself. I have seen a few before, but they both didn't really work for me and I've been told it's much like finding a partner and building a good relationship with them. Some you click with, some you don't. I have to say that my past experiences have put me off, because the first therapist I saw made me more upset after I came out and really made me feel wrong for wanting what I do. However, I'm not sure if that was just her challenging me, but surely you shouldn't more depressed after therapy....??? I just want someone I can talk to and get it all out, instead of moaning to friends or crying into my pillow everynight.

Also, what's the difference between a psychologist, counsellor, psychiatrist and psychotherapist??? I find it all very confusing and I'm from the UK so don't know if that makes a difference.

I would be grateful for any comments.

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[ComfortablyNumb5]

Finding a therapist you're comfortable with is so important and at the same time can be so hard. It's really a trial and error. Give one a few sessions and if you find you're unable to open up then try another. I've wasted plenty of time with ones that I've lied to or never brought up my issues because we just didn't click. And often I'd stay with them because I didn't want to hurt their feelings by finding another one! Yea don't do that. I've also had ones that when they moved on to a different job, I cried! So it really is like a relationship. An important one on top of it. When it comes to mental health, it's important to find one that you can open up to and that makes you feel positive about you're situations and make you want to work on yourself. Don't get discouraged if you don't click. Like I said, it's trial and error.

As far as a difference between psychologist, counsellor, ect, I honestly don't know lol! And in my job category, I really should know. All I do know is that my psych doc prescribes my meds and asks about my state of mental health and my therapist is someone I talk to extensively about my issues. Maybe someone else on here can give you more info?

Bottom line, try one out and if you're uncomfortable with that one then simply move to the next and don't feel discouraged about it. Don't give up! Good luck and stay positive. I hope you feel better soon! Hugs

[Rose76]

A psychiatrist is a doctor, as in M.D., and, nowadays, all a psychiatrist is going to do is order medication. That might, or might not, help.

Very often, a depressed person has an approach to life that is just not working. Changing that approach is, often, what needs to happen for there to be any chance of getting some relief from the depression. That's what counseling, or therapy, is for. It's really not for the purpose of having someone to vent to, or a place to "get it all out." At least it's not for those things, unless you have loads of money to pay for that. If you want counseling as a form of healthcare, then it should be geared toward helping you live a healthier life.

It is perfectly normal for anyone to not want to be told that they are approaching life in a way that is not working out. You probably feel you are trying very hard to do the best you know how, and I suspect you are. That's what most people are doing. But you are unhappy with the results. So you need to figure out what you need to do differently. It can feel unpleasantly challenging to have someone critique your approach to life. Good therapists try to validate what you are doing that makes sense, along with helping you see what isn't working. A lot of what you are doing is productive, or your life would be way worse than it is.

Psychologists and licensed clinical counselors, basically, do the same thing, except that psychologists have more education. That doesn't necessarily mean they do a better job of helping people. Success in therapy does have a lot to do with the rapport that occurs between you and the practitioner you are seeing. The person you see has to be able to tell you things that you may not be happy to hear. At the same time, I don't think you can be helped much by a person who, basically, dislikes you. Therapists are human and they can't help but find some people dislikeable. I think that happens more than people realize or admit. You need someone who believes in your potential and will encourage you to believe in it.

Just about anyone you tell your story to can see things that you are not seeing. But communication needs to be productive. If not, then you are just spinning you wheels. Make another attempt at it with someone new. It should involve you being challenged, but you shouldn't be leaving the sessions always feeling worse. What would be the point of that?

All of the practitioners we've discussed can be called psychotherapists. The word just means someone who offers therapy to clients with psych issues. Medication is a form of therapy. Counseling is a form of therapy.

Psychiatrists and psychologists are qualified to make a diagnosis. Counselors, these days, do go around making all kinds of diagnoses, but I don't consider them really qualified to do that. Lots of people disagree with me on that. The government of the United States agrees with me. For legal purposes, a diagnosis made by a person who doesn't have M.D. or PhD after their name won't hold water.

A lot of people are very invested in getting diagnosed. Often that becomes a distraction from dealing with the problem. To say you are depressed because you have a mood disorder is circular thinking, IMHO. It tells you nothing really worth knowing. You want to know how can your life be better. Just about anyone can improve their life, if they learn better ways of coping. I hope you find someone who can help you do that.

[Rose76]

I took a look at your other threads to see what issues you've been having. I see that you are mourning a lost relationship and fearing that you will always be alone. I know how tough that can be. I didn't find someone to be with, until I was 31.

First of all, stop labeling your ex-boyfriend as your "ex narcissist boyfriend." That doesn't really tell us anything about him. I'm not arguing that he doesn't deserve the label. Maybe he does, but throwing out labels is getting you nowhere. And he labeled you as OCD. And your mother labeled you as having Aspergers. And your doctor agreed with your mother. This labeling business is very popular these days and utterly unproductive. It's one of the things people engage in as an alternative to the hard work of actually solving a problem.

You want a boyfriend. Nothing wrong with that. Start looking for one. Going on-line for this is an option. Saying that you can't go back to looking for a boyfriend because you are afraid anyone you find will leave you is a way of not solving the problem. Of course there is a chance of being hurt again. But there is also a chance that a relationship with someone else might work out. Either you take the chance or you doom yourself to being alone.

You are wondering if there is something wrong with you. Well, actually, there is. There is something wrong with everyone. That doesn't stop people from getting into relationships. There are women who have a lot more wrong with them than you have who manage to get married and have kids. (Too bad for the kids, sometimes.)

The good thing is that you know why you are depressed. You are sad about not having found the relationship you have been hoping for. You are lonely. I think that's the reason behind most depression, in one way or another. So, if you go to therapy, you have a goal to focus on. Something in your approach to relationships is not working out for you. That's what you work on.

[Only_Human1983]

Originally Posted by RxQueen875

Finding a therapist you're comfortable with is so important and at the same time can be so hard. It's really a trial and error. Give one a few sessions and if you find you're unable to open up then try another. I've wasted plenty of time with ones that I've lied to or never brought up my issues because we just didn't click. And often I'd stay with them because I didn't want to hurt their feelings by finding another one! Yea don't do that. I've also had ones that when they moved on to a different job, I cried! So it really is like a relationship. An important one on top of it. When it comes to mental health, it's important to find one that you can open up to and that makes you feel positive about you're situations and make you want to work on yourself. Don't get discouraged if you don't click. Like I said, it's trial and error.

As far as a difference between psychologist, counsellor, ect, I honestly don't know lol! And in my job category, I really should know. All I do know is that my psych doc prescribes my meds and asks about my state of mental health and my therapist is someone I talk to extensively about my issues. Maybe someone else on here can give you more info?

Bottom line, try one out and if you're uncomfortable with that one then simply move to the next and don't feel discouraged about it. Don't give up! Good luck and stay positive. I hope you feel better soon! Hugs

Thank you so much, that gives me hope and to know I'm not alone in my experience. I obviously haven't found the right one yet.

Originally Posted by Rose76

A psychiatrist is a doctor, as in M.D., and, nowadays, all a psychiatrist is going to do is order medication. That might, or might not, help.

Very often, a depressed person has an approach to life that is just not working. Changing that approach is, often, what needs to happen for there to be any chance of getting some relief from the depression. That's what counseling, or therapy, is for. It's really not for the purpose of having someone to vent to, or a place to "get it all out." At least it's not for those things, unless you have loads of money to pay for that. If you want counseling as a form of healthcare, then it should be geared toward helping you live a healthier life.

Ok, I think that's where I get confused. I did think a counsellor was more someone you can just talk to and listens. A friend of mine said hers was like that, but then I found mine to be very challenging and she made feel it was wrong to want a family and be with someone one day. She just keep reiterating that a lot of women don't ever want to find love and get married etc, I know this is true of some women, but I ended up feeling that j should just accept that I will be lonely and childless for ever and think myself lucky.

Originally Posted by Rose76

It is perfectly normal for anyone to not want to be told that they are approaching life in a way that is not working out. You probably feel you are trying very hard to do the best you know how, and I suspect you are. That's what most people are doing. But you are unhappy with the results. So you need to figure out what you need to do differently. It can feel unpleasantly challenging to have someone critique your approach to life. Good therapists try to validate what you are doing that makes sense, along with helping you see what isn't working. A lot of what you are doing is productive, or your life would be way worse than it is.

That makes a lot of sense. I do feel like I need someone To tell me what to do differently otherwise I feel like this rollercoaster will keep continuing and I will ruin my chances of what I want in life.

Originally Posted by Rose76

Psychologists and licensed clinical counselors, basically, do the same thing, except that psychologists have more education. That doesn't necessarily mean they do a better job of helping people. Success in therapy does have a lot to do with the rapport that occurs between you and the practitioner you are seeing. The person you see has to be able to tell you things that you may not be happy to hear. At the same time, I don't think you can be helped much by a person who, basically, dislikes you. Therapists are human and they can't help but find some people dislikeable. I think that happens more than people realize or admit. You need someone who believes in your potential and will encourage you to believe in it.

I do feel like my first therapist disliked me. I think she just felt like I wanted the fairytale life and that just doesn't happen, but I don't. I don't think wanting a family is wrong and she made me feel like I should just give up. This is going to sound really big headed now and j don't want it to come across this way, but I've got a nice car, good job, loving family and I'm not unattractive and I feel that people look at me and think 'well she just wants it all, surely she's got enough' but being loved (in a relationship sense) and loving in return is something that material things cannot come close to. However, we live in a society where people are so quick to judge.

Originally Posted by Rose76

Just about anyone you tell your story to can see things that you are not seeing. But communication needs to be productive. If not, then you are just spinning you wheels. Make another attempt at it with someone new. It should involve you being challenged, but you shouldn't be leaving the sessions always feeling worse. What would be the point of that?

All of the practitioners we've discussed can be called psychotherapists. The word just means someone who offers therapy to clients with psych issues. Medication is a form of therapy. Counseling is a form of therapy.

Psychiatrists and psychologists are qualified to make a diagnosis. Counselors, these days, do go around making all kinds of diagnoses, but I don't consider them really qualified to do that. Lots of people disagree with me on that. The government of the United States agrees with me. For legal purposes, a diagnosis made by a person who doesn't have M.D. or PhD after their name won't hold water.

A lot of people are very invested in getting diagnosed. Often that becomes a distraction from dealing with the problem. To say you are depressed because you have a mood disorder is circular thinking, IMHO. It tells you nothing really worth knowing. You want to know how can your life be better. Just about anyone can improve their life, if they learn better ways of coping. I hope you find someone who can help you do that.

Thank you so much for all your advice and info, I've found it really helpful. I do think I'm a challenge, as sometimes I can become quite defensive and I feel like people are against me and making out like I don't deserve what I want. I know this is a bit deep for here, but my mum was convinced I had Aspergers from a young age (and my dr does too) and used to get cuttings from newspapers and say 'here, I think this is what you have' I love my mother to pieces, but I think it had more of an effect on me than she realises. I now find myself convinced that I'm not 'normal' and therefore I don't deserve a 'normal' life of a family of my own etc. I think that's why I'm so worried.

Originally Posted by Rose76

I took a look at your other threads to see what issues you've been having. I see that you are mourning a lost relationship and fearing that you will always be alone. I know how tough that can be. I didn't find someone to be with, until I was 31.

First of all, stop labeling your ex-boyfriend as your "ex narcissist boyfriend." That doesn't really tell us anything about him. I'm not arguing that he doesn't deserve the label. Maybe he does, but throwing out labels is getting you nowhere. And he labeled you as OCD. And your mother labeled you as having Aspergers. And your doctor agreed with your mother. This labeling business is very popular these days and utterly unproductive. It's one of the things people engage in as an alternative to the hard work of actually solving a problem.

You want a boyfriend. Nothing wrong with that. Start looking for one. Going on-line for this is an option. Saying that you can't go back to looking for a boyfriend because you are afraid anyone you find will leave you is a way of not solving the problem. Of course there is a chance of being hurt again. But there is also a chance that a relationship with someone else might work out. Either you take the chance or you doom yourself to being alone.

You are wondering if there is something wrong with you. Well, actually, there is. There is something wrong with everyone. That doesn't stop people from getting into relationships. There are women who have a lot more wrong with them than you have who manage to get married and have kids. (Too bad for the kids, sometimes.)

The good thing is that you know why you are depressed. You are sad about not having found the relationship you have been hoping for. You are lonely. I think that's the reason behind most depression, in one way or another. So, if you go to therapy, you have a goal to focus on. Something in your approach to relationships is not working out for you. That's what you work on.

Thank you again. I know I shouldn't label him and I never said it to his face. I guess I've been a victim of that. I just started to search things online for on and off relationships and why he did the things he did and it lead me to this about narcissism and it was him to a 'T' very flashy, a charmer, compulsive liar, cheat, constantly wears a mask, conversation hoarder, manipulative. He'd also been like this to many other women and friends of his had warned me what he was like. I guess it's also a way of me trying to relieve the pressure of me and thinking, 'well it wasn't anything I did' and 'nothing is wrong with me, it's him' but I suppose that's what my mum was doing, trying to label me, so that she didn't feel guilty for anything she might have done. You can't throw accusations at anyone I guess, it's probably 50/50.

Thank you for making me see more clearly. Truth hurts I guess.

X

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[Rose76]

What is your goal in going to a therapist? If you just want someone to talk to, then find a friend. You can use a therapist to have someone listen to you, but how will that relieve the disappointment you feel about not having a family of your own.

You are pretty clear about what you want, and I see no reason why you shouldn't go after getting it. What we get in life isn't always a matter of what we deserve. Awful things sometimes happen to very nice people, and good things sometimes happen to miserable, rotten people. Generally, here is how you get what you want: You work hard to make it happen.

You wanted to have a boyfriend and you did find one. But he turned out to be a selfish, uncaring man who wasn't very nice to you. So what did you do? You wasted a few years hanging around with this guy. Life goes by fast. You don't have time to waste like that. When you meet a guy and he turns out to be a liar and a cheat and manipulative, then you dump him and move on. It shouldn't take 4 years to figure out where he's coming from. Either a guy shares your goals, or he doesn't. This guy was never really offering you what you wanted. You knew that after the first six months. But you kept wasting time. Meanwhile, you could have been meeting someone decent, but you were not available for that. You were too busy with Mr. Wrong.

Here's another way you are wasting your precious time. You are paying attention to what other people think about your goals. You worry about what judgements they make. Who cares what they think? The only person you need to answer to is you. You're a self-supporting woman making her way in the world. You have a right to go after anything you want.

No therapist can tell you "what to do." The best a therapist can do is to point out how what you are doing is not working for you. You want to meet an eligible batchelor, then get out there and look. Go on-line. Go to a pub. Join a club. It's unlikely that some nice guy is going to knock on your door and say, "Here I am." True - some women never do find love. But the odds of it happening increase the more you work at it. You're not going to find a guy in a therapist's office.

Nobody can "make you feel anything." If your therapist tells you that you need to accept being alone, then stop wasting time with that therapist. Darryl Hannah is an American actress diagnosed with having Autistic Spectrum disorder. She's had plenty of boyfriends. Maybe you do have some features to your makeup that make socializing a bit extra difficult. So you look for a therapist who can help you figure out how to work around that. The therapist doesn't decide what your goals in life should be, or what you should be happy with. You decide that. If the therapist can't help you achieve what you are aiming for, then one of two things is true. She's the wrong therapist . . . OR: therapy just isn't turning out to be very useful for you. So move on. For some people, therapy just isn't effective at teaching them what they need to learn. So move on and experiment with life.

Your mother can't figure this out for you. No therapist can either. A lot if life is trial and error. Often, we have to try a lot of things that don't work, before we hit on what does.

[Only_Human1983]

Originally Posted by Rose76

What is your goal in going to a therapist? If you just want someone to talk to, then find a friend. You can use a therapist to have someone listen to you, but how will that relieve the disappointment you feel about not having a family of your own.

I guess my overall goal is to break this cycle I seem to experience in relationships and learn to deal with them better when I get into one. Also, to try and change my way of thinking and not punish myself all of the time. I clearly have little confidence and belief in myself and I think that is the underlying cause of many of my problems, but I don't know whether a therapist can help with that...I would like someone to talk to as well. My friends are great, but I have a tendency to go over and over the same thing and I'm worried that rhey will get fed up with me and I'll push them away. Everybody knows that nobody likes to be around depressed people all the time.

Originally Posted by Rose76

You are pretty clear about what you want, and I see no reason why you shouldn't go after getting it. What we get in life isn't always a matter of what we deserve. Awful things sometimes happen to very nice people, and good things sometimes happen to miserable, rotten people. Generally, here is how you get what you want: You work hard to make it happen.

.

That's so true. Sometimes there appears to be little justice in this world. I am trying to work hard at it, but some people say to me that I'm trying too hard and is love something that you can force??

Originally Posted by Rose76

You wanted to have a boyfriend and you did find one. But he turned out to be a selfish, uncaring man who wasn't very nice to you. So what did you do? You wasted a few years hanging around with this guy. Life goes by fast. You don't have time to waste like that. When you meet a guy and he turns out to be a liar and a cheat and manipulative, then you dump him and move on. It shouldn't take 4 years to figure out where he's coming from. Either a guy shares your goals, or he doesn't. This guy was never really offering you what you wanted. You knew that after the first six months. But you kept wasting time. Meanwhile, you could have been meeting someone decent, but you were not available for that. You were too busy with Mr. Wrong.

I know and I kick myself for taking him back the first time and not concentrating on finding myself a good man, but I really thought he'd changed and that maybe I was at fault for what he did. I only found out that he'd cheated right at the end and that's the woman he is now engaged too.

Originally Posted by Rose76

Here's another way you are wasting your precious time. You are paying attention to what other people think about your goals. You worry about what judgements they make. Who cares what they think? The only person you need to answer to is you. You're a self-supporting woman making her way in the world. You have a right to go after anything you want.

No therapist can tell you "what to do." The best a therapist can do is to point out how what you are doing is not working for you. You want to meet an eligible batchelor, then get out there and look. Go on-line. Go to a pub. Join a club. It's unlikely that some nice guy is going to knock on your door and say, "Here I am." True - some women never do find love. But the odds of it happening increase the more you work at it. You're not going to find a guy in a therapist's office.

Nobody can "make you feel anything." If your therapist tells you that you need to accept being alone, then stop wasting time with that therapist. Darryl Hannah is an American actress diagnosed with having Autistic Spectrum disorder. She's had plenty of boyfriends. Maybe you do have some features to your makeup that make socializing a bit extra difficult. So you look for a therapist who can help you figure out how to work around that. The therapist doesn't decide what your goals in life should be, or what you should be happy with. You decide that. If the therapist can't help you achieve what you are aiming for, then one of two things is true. She's the wrong therapist . . . OR: therapy just isn't turning out to be very useful for you. So move on. For some people, therapy just isn't effective at teaching them what they need to learn. So move on and experiment with life.

Your mother can't figure this out for you. No therapist can either. A lot if life is trial and error. Often, we have to try a lot of things that don't work, before we hit on what does.

I have tried to get out there and find love, I know it won't come to me, but I don't have much luck. Plus I've just been hurt a lot and I know you have to kiss a lot of frogs, but it sends me into a deep depression when I experience rejection and that puts me off getting involved.

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. A lot of what you have said makes so much sense, I really do appreciate it.

X

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[~Christina]

Therapy is work , hard work to be honest .. If its not hard then I personally dont think the problems are being pulled out into the screaming bright lights and a game plan is made to process the issues that are effecting your life. ..

I am very goal orientated with my Therapy.. But do test drive a few T's you will find one that is a good fit for you.

Good luck , Kick claw and fight for the life you want to have