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  #1  
Old Jan 11, 2016, 09:53 AM
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Hedgeleaf Hedgeleaf is offline
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Since me and my ex husband separated over 18 months ago I've contacted his brother (he was a very close friend and was even my 'friend if honour' at our wedding) a few times such as happy birthday texts and general how are you let me know if you want to get together for a drink or chat etc. All my messages have been ignored. Ok I get it. So I don't bother anymore. My brother recently had a baby and ex husband asked for his number so he can text congratulations.

What would you do?

I've been totally ignored by his family and we even have a child together!
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  #2  
Old Jan 11, 2016, 10:31 AM
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marmaduke marmaduke is offline
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I would ignore the request.
I don't understand his family being so mean

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  #3  
Old Jan 11, 2016, 10:53 AM
Anonymous37780
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Hedgeleaf, two wrongs do not make a right. When you do that you are holding onto hatred and revenge. Let it go. Be kind and compassionate, and give your ex the phone number to his brother. Have you ever thought that he has ignored his brother also to have lost his number? When you give him the number you are getting rid of anything that ties you to his family, you are freeing yourself. Then you can move on, blessings
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  #4  
Old Jan 11, 2016, 10:56 AM
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divine1966 divine1966 is offline
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I am friends and keep in touch with family of my exhusband as well as family of my ex partner of 9 years. That was their choice and I do like it this way.

If they didn't want to be friends with me then it is what it is. If they don't want to keep in touch with you then it's their choice. If your ex husband wants to keep in touch with your brother then it's commendable.

He has no control over what his family does in terms of them not responding to you. Unless he told them not to.

How long you two have been married? Do you have kids? Usually people keep in touch when there are kids involved

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  #5  
Old Jan 11, 2016, 12:53 PM
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Hedgeleaf Hedgeleaf is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
I am friends and keep in touch with family of my exhusband as well as family of my ex partner of 9 years. That was their choice and I do like it this way.

If they didn't want to be friends with me then it is what it is. If they don't want to keep in touch with you then it's their choice. If your ex husband wants to keep in touch with your brother then it's commendable.

He has no control over what his family does in terms of them not responding to you. Unless he told them not to.

How long you two have been married? Do you have kids? Usually people keep in touch when there are kids involved

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The thing is, he has painted me in such a bad way to his family. Saying I had an affair which isn't true! He abused drugs and lied to me about it and that's why we divorced. We were married for a few year but together for over 10 years.

I'm just so upset and angry that he thinks it's ok for him to be 'friends' with my family when his family just ignore me
  #6  
Old Jan 11, 2016, 12:56 PM
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Hedgeleaf Hedgeleaf is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by omegalamed View Post
Hedgeleaf, two wrongs do not make a right. When you do that you are holding onto hatred and revenge. Let it go. Be kind and compassionate, and give your ex the phone number to his brother. Have you ever thought that he has ignored his brother also to have lost his number? When you give him the number you are getting rid of anything that ties you to his family, you are freeing yourself. Then you can move on, blessings
I think you may have misunderstood my original post.

My ex brother who used to be a close friend of mine has totally ignored me on purpose since we split and yet my ex thinks it's ok for him (my ex) to be 'friends' with my brother when his family just ignore me
  #7  
Old Jan 11, 2016, 01:10 PM
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JustJenny JustJenny is offline
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I think you should give your ex your brother's number and let your brother know about it. I am sure your brother is on your side and will not let your ex influence him in any way.
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  #8  
Old Jan 11, 2016, 01:14 PM
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Hedgeleaf Hedgeleaf is offline
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Originally Posted by JustJenny View Post
I think you should give your ex your brother's number and let your brother know about it. I am sure your brother is on your side and will not let your ex influence him in any way.
It's not so much to influence him.

My ex destroyed our marriage, he lied to his family so they hate me and yet he still expects to be involved in so way with my family when his family couldn't care less about me due to his lies
  #9  
Old Jan 11, 2016, 01:16 PM
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Hedgeleaf Hedgeleaf is offline
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He didn't even get a card from our daughter to me for Xmas.

I got him a gift and a card from her

I feel he wanted to walk all over me
  #10  
Old Jan 11, 2016, 01:18 PM
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JustJenny JustJenny is offline
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I understand. Have you considered sending them an email or a letter to tell them the truth?

Either way, I think you should let it go for now. At some point they will realize that what they did to you is wrong. Your ex-husband did several bad things. He might be able to hide it now, but it will come out in the open at some point. We reap what we sow.
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  #11  
Old Jan 11, 2016, 01:22 PM
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Hedgeleaf Hedgeleaf is offline
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Originally Posted by JustJenny View Post
I understand. Have you considered sending them an email or a letter to tell them the truth?

Either way, I think you should let it go for now. At some point they will realize that what they did to you is wrong. Your ex-husband did several bad things. He might be able to hide it now, but it will come out in the open at some point. We reap what we sow.
I don't know how to let it go, that's the thing.
I don't see how his lies will ever come out. They've totally blocked me for their lives now. I saw one of sisters who looked at me like a was worse than something she stepped in.

I know it's so petty all about a phone number but it's not just a phone number.
  #12  
Old Jan 11, 2016, 01:26 PM
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Let your brother know your ex wants to contact him. Let him decide if thats something he wants. If he does then you give your brother your exes number and you have nothing more to do with it. As for the gift card deal. Who cares? You know youre a good person so what if he didn't get you something. Same with his family and ignoring you. Who cares? You shouldn't let that bother you or define you. You did the right thing for you and you will never change what your ex has made them believe. The harder you try the harder on you.
Let it go for your own mental health.
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  #13  
Old Jan 11, 2016, 01:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgeleaf View Post
I don't know how to let it go, that's the thing.
I don't see how his lies will ever come out. They've totally blocked me for their lives now. I saw one of sisters who looked at me like a was worse than something she stepped in.

I know it's so petty all about a phone number but it's not just a phone number.
Do you need them?
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  #14  
Old Jan 11, 2016, 01:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Shawkat2009 View Post
Let your brother know your ex wants to contact him. Let him decide if thats something he wants. If he does then you give your brother your exes number and you have nothing more to do with it. As for the gift card deal. Who cares? You know youre a good person so what if he didn't get you something. Same with his family and ignoring you. Who cares? You shouldn't let that bother you or define you. You did the right thing for you and you will never change what your ex has made them believe. The harder you try the harder on you.
Let it go for your own mental health.
I just feel like a total idiot. I get him a gift for his daughter as she asked to do it, I'm wondering if she asked him to get one for me?

It just hurts. I can see everyone laughing at me for something I didn't even do. I feel like I'm doing all this FOR HIM (which it is) and get nothing in return

I know i should expect nothing from and ex but I'm not a bad person people think that I am
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  #15  
Old Jan 11, 2016, 01:31 PM
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Hedgeleaf Hedgeleaf is offline
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Originally Posted by JustJenny View Post
Do you need them?
No. Not at all. It doesn't stop it hurting tho. They think im some awful person when I done nothing wrong
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  #16  
Old Jan 11, 2016, 01:39 PM
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JustJenny JustJenny is offline
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Correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem completely stressed out. You have a problem and you would like to fix it as soon as possible. I know the feeling - been there, done that... And got even more hurt.

Take a step back, take a breath. It is going to be okay. You have to learn to live your life when your ex-husband and his family are out of the picture. This is the new life now, you shouldn't worry about them because they are not important anymore. And it doesn't matter what they think about you, because their opinion is not important.

I know it's hard.
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  #17  
Old Jan 11, 2016, 02:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Hedgeleaf View Post
I just feel like a total idiot. I get him a gift for his daughter as she asked to do it, I'm wondering if she asked him to get one for me?

It just hurts. I can see everyone laughing at me for something I didn't even do. I feel like I'm doing all this FOR HIM (which it is) and get nothing in return

I know i should expect nothing from and ex but I'm not a bad person people think that I am
Stop beating yourself up. If she did ask him and he didnt. Well thats on him.
You have no control over what he does!

You need to move on and live your life. A BETTER life for you and your daughter.

Stop caring what he or his family think. That hurts YOU not them.

Your goal in leaving him was to better your life I assume. You are stuck and that better life you wanted wont come if you stay in this mindset.

I am talking from experience leaving an abusive alcoholic when I had no job and a 13 yr old boy. Did I think for one minute I was doing the wrong thing? Yes for 18 months prior to leaving.

When I left though. Swept my hands clean. Ignored him, ignored every nasty lie he spewed. You know why? Because I knew the truth. People who knew me and loved me knew the truth. Thats all that mattered. Thats all that should matter.

His bs put me ip for 14 days. Never again and its been almost 7 years.

Pick yourself up. Dust yourself off. Say ef u to his family. Be cordial to him for your daughters sake but dont for one minute think he owes you or you owe him.
Thats for the lawyers to deal with. Unless you get an uncontested divorce without child support.

Or, this just dawned on me, are you hoping for a reconciliation? In which case all of what anyone has said to you doesnt matter does it?

Strength. Courage. I wish you luck in whatever you have ahead of you.
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  #18  
Old Jan 11, 2016, 02:52 PM
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divine1966 divine1966 is offline
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I and ex husband were always on good terms but never really got gifts for each other from our daughter. Never crossed our minds.

I know divorce is hard. I've been through. Sending you hugs. But you did it for good reasons. Heal and move on and don't worry what he or his family thinks.



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  #19  
Old Jan 11, 2016, 04:51 PM
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marmaduke marmaduke is offline
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I understand how you feel. The situation is unfair.
As your ex has lied so much you owe him nothing.
Do not bother to text him your brothers number.
Your ex sounds like a narcissistic b###ard.
Have as little to do with him as possible.

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  #20  
Old Jan 11, 2016, 04:53 PM
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Hedgeleaf Hedgeleaf is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marmaduke View Post
I understand how you feel. The situation is unfair.
As your ex has lied so much you owe him nothing.
Do not bother to text him your brothers number.
Your ex sounds like a narcissistic b###ard.
Have as little to do with him as possible.

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I just wish I could have him completely gone from my life but I have to see him every weekend as he picks up our daughter. At most when I open the door I get a grunt from him. I feels he's very disrespectful to me. I'm lucky if he even says bye.
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  #21  
Old Jan 12, 2016, 04:53 AM
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JustJenny JustJenny is offline
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Just a though: have you thought of dropping off your daughter at his place instead of having him pick her up? It will make you feel a little bit more in control because you will not have to stay and wait at home for him to show up and he will have to wait for you instead.
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  #22  
Old Jan 12, 2016, 07:15 AM
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It really isn't your place to go giving your brother's phone number out to anyone. For your ex to ask for it is a bit inappropriate. I would ignore the request. If your brother had wanted this guy for a buddy, he could have made that happen a good while back. Then they would have each other's phone numbers. As it is, your ex doesn't need to be all up in your family's business.

After a divorce, I think it's appropriate for the former spouses to put a bit of distance between themselves and the families of their exes. It would be different if a strong friendship had already formed. That's not the case with your ex and your brother.

By the same token, you have no business texting your ex's brother wanting to get together for drinks. He was right to ignore your texts. Time to move on. You can't control how your ex talks about you or what his family believes about you. Let these people recede into your past where they belong. That gives you more of a fresh space to move on with your post-divorce life. With time, it will hurt less and less.

If they are good people, your family will take their cues from you. They won't encourage contact between your ex and themselves, if they see that it is hurtful to you. I can see where it would be. It would be alright to express to them that you need them to help you keep space between your current life and that of your ex. This would help you to heal.
  #23  
Old Jan 12, 2016, 09:49 AM
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marmaduke marmaduke is offline
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Agree with Rose.
But of course moving on is not easy when a child is involved.
Is he a good father?

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  #24  
Old Jan 12, 2016, 02:28 PM
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ChipperMonkey ChipperMonkey is offline
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Pretend you didn't get the text.

In all honesty, I treat texts like "meh" sort of communication. If its important, I'll hear about it in some other form other than a text.

And oh yeah, agreed that it isn't your place to be giving out your brother's phone number. I am a bit private and don't like people giving out my number.
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