My boyfriend can't take it anymore.

This weekend that just passed, my boyfriend told me that he didn't know if our relationship could continue at this trajectory.

We've been together for 6.5 years, and we've been living together for maybe about 3 years. I have slowly devolved from a vivacious, passionate, lovely young woman into a fat, sloppy, miserable shell of my former self. When we met, I was in a good place. It was a fleeting moment, I suppose, because a few years into our relationship I started to totally lose control of everything (there are reasons for this, but I'm not really in the mood to go into it at the moment ). He has stood by my side this whole time, and he has been very emotionally supportive.

But this weekend he told me that he didn't know for how much longer he could handle it. He said that he couldn't watch me give up on myself every day. He wasn't angry or mean in any way -- just honest. It cut to the core to hear it, I feel nothing despair over this. I don't even blame him -- I don't know that I would feel any differently if I was in his position.

As it stands, we're still together, but the situation is precarious at best. I don't want to lose him. I know I have to fight against myself (not just for him, for myself), but I am not confident that I can do it.

I just feel like everything is falling apart.

Hi there.

Do you have your own job/career? What exactly is making you unhappy?

Did you try asking your boyfriend what should you do to improve the situation?

Sounds like addressing the long story as to what brought about the downward spiral is the key element to what you need to work on/through.

What does your therapist suggest?

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You're not alone. I feel as if I'm in a similar situation.....I'm trying to figure out a way to get the old me back. The relationship is over as far as he's concerned. My low self esteem and lack of confidence is holding me back, but I'm not sure what else. I will sit there and tell myself I need to go workout, but will never get up to do so. What aspects of life are you struggling with right now? I'm trying to find some "trick" to help me find the path to happiness again...for me...trying to find where I made a wrong turn. I know you can't dwell on the past, but I think it's important to discover what changed so you can try to overcome it if faced with it again in the future. I know I'm just ranting an not really helping you. I do hope that we both (and anyone else who needs it) can fall in love with ourselves, so we can live a fruitful life as best as we can.

*hugs* It can be very difficult to have someone address things that may be staring us in the face. But, believe it or not, the fact you are honest enough with yourself to say "Yes, you're right, it is a problem" is a GOOD sign. However, finding the motivation to DO it is the tough part. Because, if we were able to do that, we wouldn't BE in this situation. Right?

Are you seeing a therapist? Have you talked with someone about your causes of unhappiness, depression, etc? Have you talked with him about it? It can be very frustrating for a partner to watch their lover and friend devolve.

I often have this happen in relationships where I am single, vibrant, and secure and then I lose all that confidence and boldness in a relationship. Is it the relationship that caused you to lose that oomph? Or, is it something else?

Have you considered going to couples therapy? That may help too. Have you opened up with your partner about why you're unhappy? Have you come up with a game plan together?

And, the big question -- do you want this relationship to work? If so, why? And, if so, HOW? You can't will something to be -- you unfortunately have to put in an effort too. Which can be daunting and overwhelming and tough.

Ask yourself if you are there for your partner too. Is he the rock of the relationship? Do you do nice things for him? If nothing else, I find that even when I am feeling yucky and fat, if I do nice things for my partner (a compliment, buy him his favorite snacks, a kiss just because) it helps me feel a little better too.

Hang in there!! You know you've got support here.

Maybe you're discouraged that this 6 year relationship hasn't led to marriage. You don't want to lose him, but, maybe - at some level - you feel like you don't really have him and never will.

I have a strong suspicion that he's not going anywhere, or he would have already left. He's there to an extent, but he's already not there to an extent.

Putting him aside for a moment, it sounds like you are depressed. Do you have any idea what that's about?

I know it's hard to see things change. We have all gone through this. I am currently. It's hard to find that motivation. Just know there are people who believe in you. Even strangers like me. Take some time and don't judge yourself when things can't change instantly. There are many ways and not only one road to success.

JustJenny -- I do have a job, and I have been building my career. I'm looking to make a change sometime this year. I've been depressed since childhood, but I only started dealing with it in the past 5 years (and only really getting anywhere in the past 2 years). Basically, I've totally unraveled in that time. I think all of my unhappiness stems from this endless abyss of self hatred that resides within me. The experience I have of myself is unbearable. I did ask him how to make things better, and he said that he needs me to promise that I can and will work towards a future in which I am better, healthier (in every sense of the word). He also said that he needs for me to be more affectionate and passionate towards him.

healingme4me -- The downward spiral is mostly a reaction to me finally facing my self hatred. For a long time, I just kind of ignored all that stuff, and once I started to face it I just started to lose control. My therapist doesn't really give suggestions, but we had a long talk about it. This situation has made me realize that, even though I've come a long way, I've still been avoiding facing "the big boss". So I guess right now I'm making every effort into facing that big boss as much as possible.

Suezq927 -- I'm sorry that you're going through this, I know how painful it is. And no worries, thank you for sharing with me what you're going through -- it helps to know that I'm not alone. Low self esteem is like a parasite, it just sucks everything out of you. I have also been looking for a "trick". Maybe there is something that helps click things into place for some people, but I find that the more I seek that out, the farther out to sea I drift. I also hope we can both learn to be more loving of ourselves, and to be open to the possibility of better versions of ourselves. ::

Jaymoq -- *hugs back* I do see a therapist, and we have done A LOT of work together, but in a lot of ways I have been avoiding dealing with the core of my problem -- which is this putrid black hole of self hatred that exists inside of me. This whole situation with my boyfriend has helped me realize how much I have been avoiding dealing with it. So as much as I'm scared to do it, I know now where I have to start working. We did actually talk about couples therapy a little, so maybe that would be helpful for us. And yeah, I definitely want things to work out with him. I love him so much, and he is such a wonderful person. I have started doing little things that I know he likes, like being a lot more affectionate, initiating intimacy, sending him nice texts and cute emails -- stuff like that. Because you're totally right, relationships need to be taken care of. I'm not proud to say this, but I guess in the past 2 years I have kind of forgotten that.

Rose76: I am actually not so into marriage. Not that I'm against marriage, but I don't really feel compelled to have a traditional marriage. If we grew old together and never got officially married, I'd be ok with that. And if we got married, I'd be ok with that too. I suspect you may be right, as we are trying to work on things, and he has been really responsive to the efforts I have been making. And yeah I am definitely depressed. I see a therapist twice a week -- once for individual and once for group therapy. My depression is almost entirely characterized by my own self hatred, which is something that began in my childhood and continues to persist in my life today. It's been a rough road, and it will probably get rougher from here.

Thank you all for your support!! I love this community, you all are such beautiful people

I'm glad to hear you recognize and are getting some help with the depression. I decided long ago never to marry my S.O. of 32 years, so I'm not someone who thinks that is essential . . . but I'm rather odd. Seems more women are becoming okay with no formal marriage. That's fine, if it is your choice and not something withheld from you. Like you, I've been depressed since childhood. You seem very clear about your situation. I think that can be empowering. The worst thing about depression starting early and lasting so long is that it is chronic. But I don't think chronic means hopeless. It may be a lifelong challenge, but it doesn't always have to have the upper hand. I'll bet you're a very capable person. I hope you find an opening to come up through.

Hello,
I felt bad reading about what you are going through... I 'm sorry.
The fact the you have become ”fat” has draw my attention. Did you mean it literally? If yes, then how about you try to exercise?
For many people is therapy, time for themselves, disconnet from the world, a hobby etc.
Try to go to a gym. The first days you will be embarassed, I know I was, my bf was, many people are. But you will soon notice that everybody does his stuff there and care not about you.

Also exercising brings health! Endorphines are released and the state of well being appears.
This helps me, especially now when I am going through a separation from my BF.
Give it a try. You seem stressed.

Who knows, maybe your bf will join you, too! He will definitely see that you understand the issues he addressed and you put effort into saving the relationship and yourself.
It can be a nice couple activity.
Good luck

Good idea about exercise as it could help with depression, even simple walking. Especially together

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I don't know your specific details but I experienced something similar. When I first met my husband I had so much motivation I lost weight and made huge improvements to myself but as the relationship became abusive I started to fall apart and put weight back on. I made him leave and now I am fighting with myself to get up and do it for me this time. Please don't feel alone. Do it for you and all of the positives will follow.......