My Life. Little Dee

Hi. I had an account here a few years go that I let go of. But due to the overwhelming changes in my life I needed to come back. So I am 25 years old with 4 children (3 girls&a boy) and the last 3 children are by my most current boyfriend of 5 years. I love my boyfriend but I think I need to be alone. Soooo if I'm gonna tell ya about it I have to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Back in the earlier years of our relationship we used to fight. Like fist fight. We havent had a physical altercation in over 2 years and I dont ever see it happening again. Even though he was abusive I stayed and now I feel like I should have left and never come back. Now I'm extremely unhappy and I even cheated on him a few times. He knows nothing about my sexual conquest but he asked me numerous times Nd I denied denied denied!!!!
As you can see we both have issues and we are in a good place but I dont wanna be with the person I love more than life itself. I feel like we have ran our course. Like the things that ised to entice me are no longer there. Sex is great for him but for me I cant wait for it to be over. Then me and him and trying to get him a stable job and it's been a buss. He's a wonderful father and I love the bond he has with all my children even the one that's not his...
I feel like keeping this in is driving me nuts. Can I have some insight from complete strangers who know everything. I told all the good and bad so please give me the honest truth I need help here!

Why do you stay when you clearly don't want to?

Have you considered couples counseling?

Have you ever talked to him about how you feel? Or do you fear he's going to get violent?

Are you staying because of your children, or because you fear he'll be coming after you if you leave? Or both?

Are you on any kind of counselling at the moment? Any medication?

You said "... we havent had a physical altercation in over 2 years and I dont ever see it happening again ..." and "... we are in a good place ...".

I don't meant to cast doubt on the current state of your relationship, but do you feel that the above statements are based on solid arguments, or do you feel like things are hanging by a thread, or that you are fooling yourself and it's only a matter of time before it all goes south again?

It could be too much resentment combined with the daunting task and immense responsibility of childrearing?

Tough decision, I suppose. I've multiple children myself. How would this work, with visitation schedules, child support, health insurance, pediatrician appointments, dentist, sports, holidays, kids being sent home from school, ripped winter coats and to sew them or buy new and who pays? Who goes to pta, field trips, report card nights? Hair cuts, etc

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I'm not sure because I want to leave but I can't. I'm not weak I guess I feel obligated

I don't want counseling. Well I do but it's kinda embarrassing and I don't want to admit to anyone that these things are going on. It's easy to write about it and get input from complete strangers who can't see my face. I don't know. I often time feel more confused the more I talk about it. And I'm not afraid of him because I'm firm on that he knows that if he ever puts his hands on me again he's gong to jail. He started a new job that he's been looking forward to getting and I'll admit I thought he wasn't going to get it so I was mad that he was waiting on it and now that he has it I'm happy for him but I still feel like ehh. It's like my interests have changed