[Kocsisks]

I am a 30 year old woman that's in a relationship with a 35 year old man for 4 months. I have been recently diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder & ptsd. I have met with the therapist but have not met with the psychiatrist to get on right meds. I feel so down right now. I know I keep pushing my boyfriend away by my constant anxiety over him loving me, wanting to be with me & even missing me. He keeps telling me & even showing he does love, miss, & want to be with me. I've been really good this week of not being too clingy or needy with wanting his constant reassurance. Tonight I screwed up. We haven't seen each other since last Saturday. He told me he would come see me tomorrow (Saturday). I said ok since we live an hour away. Tonight he told me he was going to hang out with one of his friends he hasn't seen in a long time. I of course got insecure & screwed things up like I always seem to do. I told him in a text that I'm really glad he's hanging out with his friend but lol it bothers me just a tad bit since I haven't seen him all week. I then joked that I might be tad bit jealous of his friend. I put hahaha after that. Then I told him to have a good time & I'll see him tomorrow. He texted me back you'll be fine lol see you tomorrow. Well I didn't like that response. So I called him. He said that he felt that I was trying to make him feel bad for hanging out with his friend and choosing his friend over me. I tried to tell him that I wasn't trying to make him feel guilty at all. He doesn't believe me and said that I just aggravated him that he wasn't mad that he was just aggravated. After we got off the phone I sent him a text apologizing again saying that I didn't mean to make him feel that way and that please do not be upset with me and have a good time tonight. He texted back OK and I'll give it the good old college try. I just feel like he screwed things up again with my neediness and my anxiety is kicking in overdrive. Did I screw things up do you think he'll want to still see me tomorrow?

I think he'll want to see you tomorrow. He sounds like a wonderful guy who is supportive of you. When you see each other it will be easier to communicate too. I hope you're able to get it sorted out and to feel better.

[Kocsisks]

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm trying not to completely freak out. I hate that I do this. He said he was just aggravated not mad so that's good I guess?!!

Yes I think it is a good sign. Every relationship have stuff like this. With the distance I think there's a little extra strain on the relationship too. Maybe because it is a new relationship you haven't found you're safe spot yet so it's easy to worry. I'm sure you'll get there.

[healingme4me]

I wouldn't worry about that one moment being the defining end all and be all to this relationship.

It is possible to overthink interactions.

I appreciate well how hard it is to create internally the play it cool face and demeanor. Sometimes showing less concern about not just insecurity, but honestly less actual concern about whether they are having a nice enjoyable evening is the cincher. Oh, ok dear...one says. Well my plans are this...I'll catch up with you later.

I swear it works like a charm. Overtime internally it actually develops into an honest reframing of emotions..and it keeps them coming back

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[Kocsisks]

Thank you for your reply. I definitely will not do that again, I will act like I'm busy too. I left him alone the rest of the night last night & haven't heard anything from him this since our argument yesterday at 6. He's supposed to come over today at 11. Hopefully he won't cancel on me because of our argument yesterday. I just keep thinking about it over & over again upset at myself for how I acted. I haven't been the easiest gf for him in this relationship. I just feel like I'm trying so hard to be that strong independent woman that I used to be so long ago but I keep falling up short & making mistakes. I hate this! What's worse is I hate myself!!

[avlady]

does he know about your diagnosis? maybe you should tell him if not so he will be more understanding. sooner or later he will find out and understand where you're coming from. good luck

[Kocsisks]

Yes he does. He was the one that suspected I have it. He has mental illness as well so he is very understanding but he can get annoyed with me as well.

[divine1966]

Did he show up?

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[DechanDawa]

Whatever happens, don't hate on yourself. That is really, really, really important. Okay?

[Kocsisks]

Yes he showed up & things are good. I still tend to over analyze things. But he's a very understanding guy thank goodness. He's staying the night tonight & has been very loving today but I can tell he's needing some alone time now. Lol. So I went to bed & he's in the living room alone right now. We've had a great day & I don't want to ruin it with my constant obsessing & over analyzing. That's what gets on his nerves. I need to work on that as well. Oh well one thing at a time. Lol

I'm happy things worked out and you got to see him! Keep us updated on how things are going.

[divine1966]

Sounds great. I often need some space and appreciate when I have that

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[Kocsisks]

Hello everything has still been going well but I can't help but worry all the time about our relationship. I miss him constantly & don't get to see him through the week. He wants it this way to give me some time to get my head together. I haven't met with the psychiatrist yet. I really wish I could have gotten in sooner with him. I'm ready to start meds that will help with my constant mood swings.

When can will you be able to see your psych? I know that was a real turning point for me - finding the right dr. and really advocating for myself.

Good luck with the relationship!

[Kocsisks]

I just saw my psych & he put me on a mood stabilizer & anxiety med. I've been doing good but I hate it when he leaves. I don't wanna be clingy & I hate that I am. I haven't told him how much I really miss him cause he'll tell me that I'm being clingy. Just sucks.

[divine1966]

Do you have other things in life like job and hobbies and friends? Maybe you need to be more busy with other things

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[Kocsisks]

I am working on getting a job right now. I've been on unemployment since The end of November. I hate being without a job because my mind runs wild with things. Lol. I've been staying real busy with taking care of my horses every morning & evening which helps a lot!! I also joined a gym & go there every other day. When I don't go to the gym I workout at home. I've been reconnecting with friends & have been spending more time with them. I'm trying to be that strong independent woman my mom raised me to be!! I've been pretty proud of how well I've been doing! ��

Good job on all of your accomplishments! Those are all something to be proud of.

[Kocsisks]

Thank you Mrs joggers! I'm sure trying to do better with things!!

How are you feeling about your relationship?

[Kocsisks]

I'm feeling better about it but we're still a little rocky. Because I snapped and yelled at him all weekend this past weekend he still doesn't know if he wants to be with me or not. So I figured I'll just take it a day at a time and do my best to not snap and yell at him. That is not the type of person I want to be anyways. Also since the medicine has been getting more in my system I have been a lot better with my mood swings and my anxiety is getting better!!! I still have a long way to go but I am getting better which makes me happy.

That's great!