[ozzycat]

I am a single woman Please tell me why a married would flirt and get me interested in him knowing that I could never be with him. It is very frustrating because I like him too why would he put me in that position. I am keeping my distance but its hard moving on not knowing what he's thinking and knowing we can't be together unless he divorced

[divine1966]

It doesn't matter why he does what he does. You can only control yourself and yours actions.

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[Avril01]

Good advice

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[Bill3]

its hard moving on not knowing what he's thinking and knowing we can't be together unless he divorced

Perhaps moving on would be easier if you consider possible reasons he might flirt with you. These include:

--he is having fun and doesn't care about the fact that he is hurting you
--he hopes to cheat on his wife and have a sexual relationship with you

If he actually wanted to be together with you he would divorce his wife. Until that happens, you are wise to keep your distance.

[Rose76]

Keep your distance, regardless of what he does. He is a cad and a creep. He enjoys manipulating women.

[IceCreamKid]

You can do better than get with a cheater. Stop worrying about what he is thinking and look for a nice single man with integrity to date.

[Webgoji]

He's a creep and a loser and you can do much better.

[Trippin2.0]

Why?


Well its simple really, he's a dog.

[(JD)]

If he cheats on his wife, he'll cheat on you too.

[mf1438]

Originally Posted by ozzycat

I am a single woman Please tell me why a married would flirt and get me interested in him knowing that I could never be with him. It is very frustrating because I like him too why would he put me in that position. I am keeping my distance but its hard moving on not knowing what he's thinking and knowing we can't be together unless he divorced

It doesn't sound like he follows the same rules you follow as a single woman. You can only date him if he was divorced. He could date you even though he's married. Be careful. You're already emotionally involved.

[ozzycat]

Originally Posted by mf1438

It doesn't sound like he follows the same rules you follow as a single woman. You can only date him if he was divorced. He could date you even though he's married. Be careful. You're already emotionally involved.

I do think about him but I am not a homewrecker so the only way I know to do is stay away and give his marriage a chance to work out( hopefully that's what he's doing) but it is hard attraction don't just dissapear ...thing is do I let him know how I feel or just continue like I am ..becausehow can I just ignore it...it sux not knowing what the future holds if anything

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by ozzycat

I do think about him but I am not a homewrecker so the only way I know to do is stay away and give his marriage a chance to work out( hopefully that's what he's doing) but it is hard attraction don't just dissapear ...thing is do I let him know how I feel or just continue like I am ..becausehow can I just ignore it...it sux not knowing what the future holds if anything

How are you two in communication, still?

Why did you let him know how you feel?

Are you hoping he has feelings for you? Why not? Maybe he does. Maybe he's confused as well. But even if he does, that changes nothing. By sticking around, wondering what the future holds, its distracting a man who is probably "conflict avoidant" from taking a good hard look in the mirror. Do you really want a man that can't grab the bull by the horns?

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[ozzycat]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

How are you two in communication, still?

Why did you let him know how you feel?

Are you hoping he has feelings for you? Why not? Maybe he does. Maybe he's confused as well. But even if he does, that changes nothing. By sticking around, wondering what the future holds, its distracting a man who is probably "conflict avoidant" from taking a good hard look in the mirror. Do you really want a man that can't grab the bull by the horns?

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Thanks for the reply! I have not been in communication with him but I am not sure I gave clear signs I like him..regardless I believe his marriage is more important than the feelings I have for him but its hard staying away with these unresolved issues it seems all I can do is maybe see if one day we can reconnect and have closure or pursue something if he gets divorced but that's the hard part

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by ozzycat

Thanks for the reply! I have not been in communication with him but I am not sure I gave clear signs I like him..regardless I believe his marriage is more important than the feelings I have for him but its hard staying away with these unresolved issues it seems all I can do is maybe see if one day we can reconnect and have closure or pursue something if he gets divorced but that's the hard part

I hear what you are saying. At the same time you write,"all I can do is maybe see if one day we can reconnect and have closure or pursue something if he gets divorced but that's the hard part."

This leaves you emotionally unavailable to moving on from this. Pining away for a dream, a fantasy. Unable to go and leave yourself open to other possibilities.

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[ozzycat]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I hear what you are saying. At the same time you write,"all I can do is maybe see if one day we can reconnect and have closure or pursue something if he gets divorced but that's the hard part."

This leaves you emotionally unavailable to moving on from this. Pining away for a dream, a fantasy. Unable to go and leave yourself open to other possibilities.

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Please know I am not going to wait on him to make a move one way or another I am just saying its hard but I'm strong enough not to pursue it he may never get divorced I'm just saying if maybe down the road if he becomes single maybe something can happen ... But I'm also hurt and fustrated he put me in this position because he is taken ..

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by ozzycat

Please know I am not going to wait on him to make a move one way or another I am just saying its hard but I'm strong enough not to pursue it he may never get divorced I'm just saying if maybe down the road if he becomes single maybe something can happen ... But I'm also hurt and fustrated he put me in this position because he is taken ..

Have you ever looked into the literature out there about what attracts unavailable men to you and how to avoid that pitfall going forward? There's many books and articles. It's ok to be angry/hurt/frustrated because your emotions became tangled up with him. As resentful as it can leave one feeling, it can be empowering to discover these answers for yourself to release that monkey from your back.

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[hannabee]

I guarantee that if you have a relationship with him you WILL NEVER TRUST HIM.

[Rose76]

First of all: don't assume his marriage isn't "working out." He may be perfectly happy with his marriage just the way it is and with who he has for a wife. More than likely, that is the case. Remember Bill Clinton's interest in women he wasn't married to. (I know you are young, but you've heard about it. ) Hillary recently said in an interview that she always knew he loved her, despite his antics. It seems he did and does. Some men just like to see how many women they can find who will respond to them. That's probably a natural inclination that men are prone to have, which higher values cause some men to suppress. It's a boon to his ego to think that other women want him.

He senses that you are impressed with him. He would love for you to tell him that you have "feelings." By now, his wife has a more balanced view if him. She knows how his farts smell and what he looks like picking his nose. He'ld love to re-experience the admiration of a young woman who doesn't know how his feet stink at the end of a hard day. He'll never have that again with his wife. But why would you want to tell him that you have a crush on him? You're imagining that the future may "hold" something for the two of you? Like what?

So you've decided not to be a "homewrecker" and to "give his marriage a chance to work out?" That's very big of you. Then, again, you may be way less of a threat to his marriage than you imagine.

It is perfectly natural for a married man to feel attracted to women other than his wife. It is perfectly natural for a young woman to feel attracted to men who are already taken. That doesn't mean that either of them is in some kind of a "position." The idea that being true to oneself means not ignoring one's true feelings is complete and utter nonsense. If you were working with someone you disliked - which will happen now and then - you wouldn't feel compelled to tell the person that. The feelings you have about people are absolutely none of their business. On the job, it's often smart to keep it that way.

[ozzycat]

Originally Posted by Rose76

First of all: don't assume his marriage isn't "working out." He may be perfectly happy with his marriage just the way it is and with who he has for a wife. More than likely, that is the case. Remember Bill Clinton's interest in women he wasn't married to. (I know you are young, but you've heard about it. ) Hillary recently said in an interview that she always knew he loved her, despite his antics. It seems he did and does. Some men just like to see how many women they can find who will respond to them. That's probably a natural inclination that men are prone to have, which higher values cause some men to suppress. It's a boon to his ego to think that other women want him.

He senses that you are impressed with him. He would love for you to tell him that you have "feelings." By now, his wife has a more balanced view if him. She knows how his farts smell and what he looks like picking his nose. He'ld love to re-experience the admiration of a young woman who doesn't know how his feet stink at the end of a hard day. He'll never have that again with his wife. But why would you want to tell him that you have a crush on him? You're imagining that the future may "hold" something for the two of you? Like what?

So you've decided not to be a "homewrecker" and to "give his marriage a chance to work out?" That's very big of you. Then, again, you may be way less of a threat to his marriage than you imagine.

It is perfectly natural for a married man to feel attracted to women other than his wife. It is perfectly natural for a young woman to feel attracted to men who are already taken. That doesn't mean that either of them is in some kind of a "position." The idea that being true to oneself means not ignoring one's true feelings is complete and utter nonsense. If you were working with someone you disliked - which will happen now and then - you wouldn't feel compelled to tell the person that. The feelings you have about people are absolutely none of their business. On the job, it's often smart to keep it that way.

I understand that I do not want to be a threat to his marriage ..or engage in some stupid affair but then again a married man should not be flirting with someone other than his wife he started that not me..maybe he does love her I would want their marriage to work out they took vows..I'll continue to keep my distance attraction never goes away but I can stay out of the equation I just wish ii didn't have feelings and I'm in my mid 40s not too young but never once have I became attracted to a married man

[Bill3]

You could ask yourself what sort of man would hurt you this manner.

[divine1966]

What do you mean by flirting. Some people just chatty and friendly. Did he ask you out? Or told you he is romantically interested? Or bought you something? What exactly did he do that came across as flirting?

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[ozzycat]

I can't go into details due to his position but staring and gazing at me winking theres more I can't get into..

I agree with what everyone else said on here. Especially Bill. Stay away from him. Like someone else stated, if he is willing to cheat on his wife, then he'll eventually cheat on you too. And karma is a ****** as well.

It sounds like he probably just likes the attention and the ego boost. A lot of people flirt for these reasons. It doesn't necessarily mean that they really like you. It's more about getting validation and making them feel as if they're still attractive to other people.

Don't forget, it's mostly an ego thing. Don't encourage him in any way. Ignore him. Be friendly, but ignore him if he tries to flirt with you. If you flirt back, you're just going to encourage him to do the same. Leave the area if you have to claiming to be busy, or that you have work to do, etc...

[Trippin2.0]

There's one obvious flaw in your thinking that hasn't been addressed....


Attraction can and does go away.


That's how some people become exes, and its how some people are able to remain friends or at least amicable with their exes....

Attraction is both physical and psychological... If you see him for the lousy husband / man he is, his character becomes less attractive. And once our perceptions become negative our bodies respond in a similar way. Or rather completely fail to respond.

Easiest way to make it disappear though, besides convincing yourself he's a dog, is move on to someone that's actually available, so you both can actually respond to the mutual attraction.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by ozzycat

. . . I just wish ii didn't have feelings and I'm in my mid 40s not too young but never once have I became attracted to a married man

It would be nice if our feelings always lined up with what we know is the right thing to do. Life would be so much easier. But that's just not how life is. So we end up in these dilemmas, where our maturity gets tested.

"Having feelings" for somebody seems to now be treated as something sacred . . . something that must be respected . . . and acknowledged . . . and eventually, communicated . . . and, maybe, acted on. People have been "having feelings" since the beginning of time. It's not all that special. Sometimes we have to act contrary to our "feelings." That's what maturity is all about.

Eventually, we often discover that those deep "feelings" were based on an illusion we had about who someone was . . . that ends up not being who they really are.