[Kocsisks]

So I have posted other threads about my relationship but had another question over it. To give some background; I'm 30 year old female & am with a 35 year old man. We've been together 4 months. It has been a bit difficult through our relationship. I finally got in with a psychiatrist and I am recently diagnosed with bipolar to disorder general anxiety disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I have just started medication two days ago. My main issues with myself in the relationship is that I tend to be needy and clingy he always needing reassurance from him, which of course drives him nuts LOL. A lot of the time we will get into discussions and if I don't like what I hear I have a hard time just letting it go even if we have reasolved it. Last night he said something that really bothered me and surprised me. I hope this isn't too much information to be telling you guys this. He told me sometimes he just wants me to go down on him and that's it but the thing is what happens if I'm in the mood? I asked him mass and he said sometimes I won't feel like having sex and I'll just want you to go down on me. Even though we talked about it and we resolved it and he saw where I was coming from it still bothers me. Is this normal for guys to want this? Before we had even resolved it and he saw where I was coming from he told me that I more selfish than others. I don't see how I am selfish at all I always care about him getting off but I also want myself to as well how is that selfish? At the end he did admit that he's the one that's being selfish and not me but is still bothered me! We resolved it by us saying that if I'm not in the mood I will do that for him but I told him that goes both ways if he is not in the mood he'll do that for me. He completely agreed with it and saw house selfish and silly he was being. Why can't I get this out of my head why is it bothering me so much? We resolved it last night why can't I just let this go? This is one of our issues is because I can't let things go. I'm working with my therapist on this but he says that once I get mood stabilizers it will be easier for me. Is this true as well I've always been like this not being able to let things go. If I bring this up again my boyfriend is going to say we already resolve this why are you bringing it up again which he is right. I just hate how my mind works sometimes and wish that I could just let things go and not think about them anymore.

[TishaBuv]

I'd have a hard time letting that one go from my mind, too. Boy, if there's ever a sure-fire way to get a woman to NOT want to go down on a man, it's to tell her that you just want her to do that and you don't feel like having anything to do with her sexually at all. That's called a 68-- you do me and I'll owe you one!

[Kocsisks]

So I am not overreacting then. Even though he understood where I was coming from and we compromised it still bothers me! Like I told him I always go down on him anyways so I don't know why he would just want what he wants and not even care about me. It kind of hurt my feelings to be honest. Even though we got it resolved and he admitted that he was the one that was being selfish and not me it still bothers me! But I have to let this go and I don't know how to?

[Kocsisks]

I just talk to him and he said that he was just joking with me that I should know from the very beginning that he always wants me to get off that he's a giver to that he was just messing with me. I completely had a panic attack and now he probably thinks I'm crazy I've been doing so good and not freaking out all the time. I have just had a med change in the doctor is lowering me on Effexor. Could this be causing it? I just don't know what to do anymore I am so tired of feeling like I'm crazy.

[JustJenny]

Do you love each other? Do you do things together outside bedroom? I find his request a little disrespectful.

[Kocsisks]

Yes we do love each other. I thought the same thing. That his request was very selfish. He did admit that he was being selfish & that he had been messing with me. I just honestly don't know if I believe him.

[divine1966]

How is everything else in a relationship?
Does this relationship revolve around bedroom?

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[RomanSunburn]

I question a relationship where one partner says 'Just kidding!" after seeing how upset an issue made the other.

If you guys came to an understanding/compromise when it came up, then would have been the time to say he's just messing with you. Not later when he's clearly trying to backpedal his mistake...

[JustJenny]

I agree with the above.

Did he ever say/do anything else that made you very upset?

[Kocsisks]

With me it usually revolves around the bedroom. That is something I'm trying to work on. He's told me before that he felt I just wanted sex from him & that's it. He doesn't always want to have sex, to him once a week is fine or once in a week and half is fine. I would always pressure him into having sex with me even if he didn't want it. I was obsessing over sex. My psychiatrist told me this is probably part of my bipolar disorder. I equated sex to him loving me. I mean we resolved it & he did admit that he was the one being selfish. I talked to my therapist this morning about it & he helped me a lot with it. We're working on me letting things go. But it's so hard for me to! I know I need to let this go because we already have discussed it & resolved it. But to me it's not resolved I guess. My therapist said that what I'm doing is making this about me when it's really about him. That just because he said this doesn't mean he loves me any less. And he is completely right because that is what I do I think why would he say this and think this way if he truly felt this way that means he doesn't love me. When in reality he does love me and care for me but he has his opinions as well it doesn't mean that he's going to act on them though he respects that I am not into this only giving him pleasure every once in a while and not worrying about me. He told me he is completely fine with this & that he was just messing with me. I honestly don't know if I believe him with the just messing with me part but I will not just give him pleasure and not have my pleasure as well. I have a say in this relationship as well and he can't make me or force me to do anything that I don't want to do.

[divine1966]

Perhaps he is resentful you want sex all the time and his unkind comments stem from that. I'd go crazy if someone demanded sex from me. You just said he can't make you to do anything yet you pressure for sex from him even when he doesn't want it. It sounds unfair to me. Is anything in this relationship about his needs?

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[JustJenny]

It sounds to me like you are not very happy in your relationship. You would like more intimacy and to be treated with more respect and he seems to want something else...

[Kocsisks]

I have stopped pressuring him when he told me that I was doing it. I apologized to him & have told him that I would not ennitiate it anymore. I think sex is a trigger for me. I have been doing better about not obsessing over it. I also have not enitiated it for 2 1/2 weeks. I've been working with my therapist on this.
I am happy in my relationship with him I just hate how I get things stuck in my head & I can't get them out.

[divine1966]

You can look at it this way. You were doing something wrong and you apologized and he hopefully let it go. Now he did something wrong and apologized so you could try to let that go. Good job working on it with therapist

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[Kocsisks]

Thank you! That is so helpful! I am definitely going to let it go & do my very best to move on! I feel better. ��

[Kocsisks]

Well I've started my new meds Monday of this week & it's Saturday. The psych doc put me on a mood stabilizer & anti anxiety med, & he has decreased my Effexor. I've been having a tougher time with things this past week. It sucks cause my boyfriend has been trying to be there for me but I can't help but think I'm pushing him away again. He says I've been tough to deal with this week cause of my mood swings. I just want to cry so bad. I don't want to be like this anymore! Why do I have to have this!! Why do I have to have my mood swings & my anxiety?! Why can't I just be a normal, confident, woman?!!! I hate myself & just am tired of feeling like this. It hurts to think that I'm a tough person to be in a relationship with. I know I am because I've been told before that I'm tough to be around by my family. I'm very emotional & sensitive so I cry when things upset me. My boyfriend of course hates this & gets really upset when I do this.
Yesterday he couldn't keep his hands off of me but tonight he acts like he wants nothing to do with me. He was sick to his stomach all this morning until I got him something from the pharmacy. I have to stop thinking its me when it's his problem. Even though he's not in the mood for it tonight, he does want to do some things for me since we're celebrating our Valentine's Day today. It doesn't make me want to now cause he pretty much told me he feels like he has to cause this is what I wanted for one of my gifts for vday & he agreed on it. I told him he doesn't have to at all & that we can wait but he said no were doing it tonight. It doesn't make me want to. All it makes me want to do is crawl up in a ball & cry.

[divine1966]

What is that you wanted for Valentine gift?

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[Kocsisks]

Just to be taken out to eat & sex. Which he was very much excited about. Just tired of my mood swings & feeling this way.

[Kocsisks]

It has not been a good night. My boyfriend has told me that he doesn't know if he wants to be with me or not. It hurts & sucks. He told me he's having a bad day, this is the last thing on his mind right now & can't we just talk about it tomorrow. It hurts a lot but I'm starting to think this relationship is toxic. I feel like he wants me to be this perfect person & if I make a mistake he gets upset with me. I just feel tired, sad, & confused. I'm just over this drama.

[~Christina]

I'm sorry your hurting.

This is a really new relationship to be honest.... 4 months isn't all that long. This should still be in the " honeymoon stage"

When you add Bipolar into the mix and your trying to find your footing and the searching for the right meds and working hard in therapy.. Having a relationship Bipolar or not can be hard and difficult at times.

I have Bipolar.. So I will say it takes time and work to figure how to have a life with Bipolar in it . Yes it's possible. I think you need to do the work an find stability , then a relationship might go more smoothly .

If he's voicing that maybe he just doesn't want to get further involved with you , then listen to him .

Be kind to yourself

[Kocsisks]

Well I gave him his space last night & he texted me this morning "good morning darling" then texted me again about the roads being ok. I just don't know really what to think. He was a having a bad day yesterday. He has severe anxiety & his mind was racing pretty bad. He told me that our relationship is the last thing on his mind. When I started getting upset he said here you go again being negative & nothing has even happened. I'm just having a bad day ok! That's what he said & I let it go. Should I just act like nothing happened??

[divine1966]

It is kind of painful to read how much drama this relationship has after only 4 months. How are you guys going to handle life hardships if very first stages of relationship is that painful? What do two of you do for fun? What do two of you discuss? What do you have in common? It sounds to me that sex and arguing is the main focus? You are young right? Do you do any fun stuff together?


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[Kocsisks]

We go out to dinner, go shopping together, watch movies together. We want to go on some road trips together. Mainly we don't do a ton right now cause it's cold outside. I'm hoping we do more things when it gets warmer out.