Worried About Nothing

PsychNitrous · Feb 17, 2016, 07:47 PM

I'm not totally sure this is where I should be posting this, but it sounds right. I've been with my current boyfriend for about 3 years now. I wasn't sure if it would work out or not, as we started off just getting together for sex. But the longer we were together the closer we got, and eventually we just gave in and started dating. Things have always gone well. We've only really had one fight, I can't even remember over what, but usually we agree on everything and have the same thoughts and feelings about things. It's ridiculous how compatable we are. I've never been able to be so open about myself to anyone before.

My problem, like the subject says, is nothing. I know that this issue is not an issue in our relationship, but in my head it keeps coming up as one. I've dealt with depression and anxiety for a long time, and he's been through some rough depressive episodes as well. Lately my depression has been getting worse, and I don't really have anyone to talk to besides my boyfriend. I see a therapist, but I don't socialize with my coworkers like that, and I don't really have many friends. So I talk to my boyfriend, about everything. Sometimes I feel like I'm dumping too much on him, and then I start getting scared that it's going to be too much for him one day and he will leave me. I've brought this up to him once or twice, and he's dismissed it, saying that he will never leave me for any reason. But that doesn't help my fear, and then I berate myself for saying something about it to him. And then I start worrying that my worring that he will leave is going to push him away. I have no reason to think he would be lying to me, and in every other way I trust him completely. But I still am so afraid of losing him over my mental health, for no reason at all.

Bill3 · Feb 18, 2016, 03:55 AM

What does your therapist say about it?

JustJenny · Feb 18, 2016, 07:22 AM

How does he see you two in the future? Does he want to take the relationship to the next level at some point?

PsychNitrous · Feb 18, 2016, 10:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

What does your therapist say about it?

My therapist has challenged my worry, and asked about how the relationship is until I establish that I have no reason to worry. That's about as far into it as we have gone.

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Bill3 · Feb 18, 2016, 10:03 AM

How helpful are you finding the therapist's approach?

PsychNitrous · Feb 18, 2016, 10:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JustJenny

How does he see you two in the future? Does he want to take the relationship to the next level at some point?

There's not a real "next level" for us at this point, just little steps. We have plans to move in together, once my lease is up and we have the money. Neither of us feels that marriage is anything more than a legal change, but we are planning to get married someday. He tells me he will never leave me, and I know he means it.

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PsychNitrous · Feb 18, 2016, 10:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

How helpful are you finding the therapist's approach?

It's not helpful, but that could be part my fault too. She always points out when I'm being overly hard on myself about something, and occasionally I'll stop bringing it up after that.

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Bill3 · Feb 18, 2016, 11:07 AM

Quote:

She always points out when I'm being overly hard on myself about something, and occasionally I'll stop bringing it up after that.

How does being overly hard on yourself relate to your worry about your boyfriend?

PsychNitrous · Feb 18, 2016, 11:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

How does being overly hard on yourself relate to your worry about your boyfriend?

I tend to judge my worries as being stupid or useless, because I know they are, and my therapist has been trying to break me of the habit. I know my worries about my boyfriend are stupid, and that's usually how I present it.

Bill3 · Feb 18, 2016, 01:22 PM

Has your therapist spoken to you at all about ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy)? The basic idea of ACT is to recognize that thoughts and feelings are beyond our complete control. Instead of judging yourself for having thoughts or feelings, you could simply acknowledge that they are there. "Oh well, I see that worry is back." You don't attack or assess thoughts or feelings in ACT, you just acknowledge their presence and continue pursuing your commitments.

PsychNitrous · Feb 18, 2016, 01:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

Has your therapist spoken to you at all about ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy)? The basic idea of ACT is to recognize that thoughts and feelings are beyond our complete control. Instead of judging yourself for having thoughts or feelings, you could simply acknowledge that they are there. "Oh well, I see that worry is back." You don't attack or assess thoughts or feelings in ACT, you just acknowledge their presence and continue pursuing your commitments.

No, I've never heard of that type of therapy. I will have to look into it though, thanks.

Kocsisks · Feb 19, 2016, 09:40 PM

I know exactly what you're going through. I do the same thing with my boyfriend. Are you on any anxiety meds? I have a problem with obsessing over things & worrying myself to death. I have made myself a visual called relationship reminders & when I start to worry I just bring that visual out to remind myself that my boyfriend does love me, does want to be with me, and does care about me. Something that I always tell myself also is if he didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't.

PsychNitrous · Feb 19, 2016, 10:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kocsisks

I know exactly what you're going through. I do the same thing with my boyfriend. Are you on any anxiety meds? I have a problem with obsessing over things & worrying myself to death. I have made myself a visual called relationship reminders & when I start to worry I just bring that visual out to remind myself that my boyfriend does love me, does want to be with me, and does care about me. Something that I always tell myself also is if he didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't.

Thanks for the reply. I'm not on any meds right now, have an appointment with a pdoc in a few weeks.

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healingme4me · Feb 20, 2016, 02:20 PM

So long as your boyfriend recognizes that you are taking steps to overcome this fear, then it doesn't seem like a classic self sabotage of a relationship. Sounds like you've a good relationship with good communication.
Does the fear delve from your past? Thinking more along the lines of your parent's relationship type of past.

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PsychNitrous · Feb 20, 2016, 02:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by healingme4me

So long as your boyfriend recognizes that you are taking steps to overcome this fear, then it doesn't seem like a classic self sabotage of a relationship. Sounds like you've a good relationship with good communication.
Does the fear delve from your past? Thinking more along the lines of your parent's relationship type of past.

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We do have pretty good communication. I hope you're right that I'm not self sabotaging.

I don't think it's a past issue with my parents. They have a model relationship, been married for like 40 years. I've made terrible choices in boyfriends and partners, which I think causes my fear now. In the past, I've had a tendency to chose men who were unavailable or uninterested in either me or relationships. They've all ended painfully.

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healingme4me · Feb 20, 2016, 05:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PsychNitrous

We do have pretty good communication. I hope you're right that I'm not self sabotaging.

I don't think it's a past issue with my parents. They have a model relationship, been married for like 40 years. I've made terrible choices in boyfriends and partners, which I think causes my fear now. In the past, I've had a tendency to chose men who were unavailable or uninterested in either me or relationships. They've all ended painfully.

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I'm basing that it's not self sabotaging based upon the fact that you've written that there's no underlying reason to worry where your bf is concerned and that it's not pushing him away.

Past relationships don't always indicate future outcomes. So they are rather difficult to gage the present moment upon.

Hopefully you get it sorted with your therapist and find your inner peace about your relationship. Takes courage and confidence to look at a relationship as something you can survive without, but as a choice in partner and something that you bring just as much to the table as they do. As a person that it would be hard to leave and hard to want to leave.

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PsychNitrous · Feb 20, 2016, 05:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I'm basing that it's not self sabotaging based upon the fact that you've written that there's no underlying reason to worry where your bf is concerned and that it's not pushing him away.

Past relationships don't always indicate future outcomes. So they are rather difficult to gage the present moment upon.

Hopefully you get it sorted with your therapist and find your inner peace about your relationship. Takes courage and confidence to look at a relationship as something you can survive without, but as a choice in partner and something that you bring just as much to the table as they do. As a person that it would be hard to leave and hard to want to leave.

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Thanks. I hope once I can get my underlying problems under control, my worries about this relationship will go away.

healingme4me · Feb 20, 2016, 05:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PsychNitrous

Thanks. I hope once I can get my underlying problems under control, my worries about this relationship will go away.

Maybe that wording, mentally blocks you? "My Underlying Problems"...doesn't character "flaw" talk get us thinking quite negative about ourselves?

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PsychNitrous · Feb 20, 2016, 05:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Maybe that wording, mentally blocks you? "My Underlying Problems"...doesn't character "flaw" talk get us thinking quite negative about ourselves?

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I was thinking of my depression and anxiety as underlying problems. I haven't worked too hard to get a handle on those yet.

healingme4me · Feb 20, 2016, 06:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PsychNitrous

I was thinking of my depression and anxiety as underlying problems. I haven't worked too hard to get a handle on those yet.

They're illnesses, though. Something that can be lived with or recovered from or put into remission. But, the word problem makes it sound like a flaw, something negative, something that you're in control of having caused.

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PsychNitrous · Feb 20, 2016, 06:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by healingme4me

They're illnesses, though. Something that can be lived with or recovered from or put into remission. But, the word problem makes it sound like a flaw, something negative, something that you're in control of having caused.

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That's true, but there are further steps I can easily take to control their symptoms, that I am not taking. I could take antidepressants and/or anti-anxiety meds. Right now I'm barely participating in therapy, because I didn't know things were going to get this bad.

healingme4me · Feb 20, 2016, 06:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PsychNitrous

That's true, but there are further steps I can easily take to control their symptoms, that I am not taking. I could take antidepressants and/or anti-anxiety meds. Right now I'm barely participating in therapy, because I didn't know things were going to get this bad.

Recognizing that you may need more than talk therapy is a step. I took an ssri for a couple of years and it certainly came to me during a highly transformative time in my life, when I lost my mom and formalized divorce and plus went from employed to unemployed and into a position with my current employer. After some time after all these heavy hitting changes, I came off the ssri. Then I tried the ssri again, shortly after an ms flare of optic neuritis, but the ssri didn't agree with me. About a year later, I had a health scare that led to just an anti anxiety, a benzo. My anxiety comes on strong when it happens, regardless of all the techniques. Quite frankly I've an illness that affects my nervous system. My last T suggested that sometimes for some people it's physiological-a physical cause.

I can only control my part, which is rational thinking. The years of CBT styled therapy plus the elbow grease that I've added helps.

I've also learned how to have better relationships through better communication and to not bottle things up and assert myself without being confrontational nor combative. It's a journey, to say the least.

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Fuzzybear · Feb 20, 2016, 07:30 PM

Bill3 · Feb 20, 2016, 07:32 PM

Quote:

That's true, but there are further steps I can easily take to control their symptoms, that I am not taking. I could take antidepressants and/or anti-anxiety meds. Right now I'm barely participating in therapy, because I didn't know things were going to get this bad.

Maybe you can take these steps going forward?