My boyfriend lied to me about drink driving.

Before I start, due to some abusive past relationships I have serious trust issues when it comes to other people. So much that the only person I trust, and will ever trust, is myself. I cannot mentally cope with people lying to me, no matter how big or small of a lie, my anxiety is too vicious to handle when it comes to feeling betrayed.

A few months back my boyfriend (of almost two years) ended up coming home from the pub after driving over the limit. He was clearly tipsy - he'd had well over 3 pints I could tell by the way he was walking. I had a serious go at him and told me if he ever did it again he would be betraying my trust. He knows how I feel about safety when it comes to drinking or even texting whilst behind the wheel.

It took a few weeks of me questioning him when he was going to the pub and driving home. After a while I began to back off for his sake as I knew that he didn't need pestering about it and that I had to let go and just trust that he wouldn't do it again.

Last night, I went to meet him at the pub which is rare, then we drove home in separate cars. We'd got indoors and he was clearly tipsy, again.

I asked him how many pints he'd had. He answered with two.

I told him outright and ask him why he was lying to me. He said he had three. My anxiety hit the roof when I'd realised he's lied to me (as usual when people lie to me about trivial things) and I ended up not sleeping and having a panic attack. This morning I thought to myself "if he got caught out when if actually been to the pub with him, how many times has he done it without me there?"

He goes to the pub between 2-4 times a week.

I asked him outright by text today and he said he'd done it "once or twice, he couldn't remember" since I had a go at him that first night well over six months ago..

I feel so betrayed that he has lied to me, and he's broken my trust. I feel so sick to my stomach. He knows how bad my issues have been in the past. I know this sounds like something so silly, it's a sake of having a pint (I don't mind him drinking or going to the pub for that matter) over the limit (he'd had three pints last night) but it's the fact that he has lied to me after me tell him that if he did it again he betrayed my trust.

I need thoughts on this from outside perspectives please, just so my thoughts can settle in my fuzzy anxiety head.

Hi there,
That is really bad behaviour. I know I could definitely not stand being lied to, or tolerate bad habits like drunk driving on a regular basis! Ugh this makes me mad. It is really irresponsible. What if he drives while he is tipsy and hits someone?

However, I wouldn't argue while he is drunk or even just tipsy. I would set a boundary there and have a serious talk when he's sober. Boundaries can save you some nerves in a situation when you feel like you are lied to and maybe losing perspective. It is really important.

He is responsible for his own behaviour. You can decide if you want to put up with it and how much you can take. I am sorry, but I can understand that you are feeling bulls*****ed

Thank you for your piece on this, I'm really grateful for you having taking the time to reply with your thoughts.

He's coming over tonight so I'm going to talk to him then but I'm just so friggin hurt by him. I can't get the idea out of my head that he's also lying about doing it just 'once or twice' since. In my eyes if he's done it in the past before me, and it's behaviour that he is repeating on the space of over 6 months it's just logical that he's done it a lot more than a twice and he's lying to cover himself again. It's totally knocked my trust to even believe him about that. I don't. My instincts are screaming at me that I know he's done it more times than that and not told me about it.

He's a good boyfriend otherwise and I do believe that he doesn't hide things or lie about anything else.

I really think you should trust your instincts. Of course he tries to cover himself up. But I wouldn't believe him. You see that what you perceive and what he perceives don't fit together. That causes anxiety maybe and it doesn't feel nice.
Denial is typical behaviour when it comes to drinking - do you think it could be related to a more serious problem?
Stay strong and take good care of yourself!

I can say out in the open that he does not have a drinking problem. In fact, I drink more than him lol. He hardly drinks at home, maybe have one or two beers with me on a Saturday night, but he does meet his friend after work for a few evenings when he is not at mine with me (we don't live together just yet).

He's never aggressive when he drinks or if he doesn't have a drink and he hardly goes out 'partying' like the majority of his friends do his age (he's only 25)

I think the main issue here might be that his perception on how serious the matter is doesn't match mine. Whereas I don't and will never tolerate such behaviour and I don't have a drink of I'm driving myself, he is clearly more relaxed about the subject.

I am sorry this is going on. It is obviously very important that he be honest with you and he hasn't been doing that. It doesn't seem like it's a matter of how much he's drinking but the fact that he's not honest with you about drinking and driving. I hope you can work this out together b/c you mention that overall he's a good boyfriend.

He is a good boyfriend, outside this issue. I wouldn't take a second thought to be with him if he wasn't. But being with someone is so hard for me to do. The idea of getting close to someone and opening myself up for hurt physically disgusts me. Its had an impact on all my relationships because I just cannot trust people. Over the past few years I have als cut ties with a lot of people. I'm happy with my small circle of friends and my mum and dad. That's all I have because I refuse to communicate on a bonding level with other people.

He knows how hard this has been for me. He knows that i have had it bad before him and I've told him time and time again that if he ever lies to me no matter how big or small that trust I've been trying to build up will be void from the second he does.

And now he's gone and done it. how many times? I don't even know. I feel sick that he's done that. Id rather die old and lonely than feel like this all over again, I just can't do it

One thing is for sure he's going to get picked up for drunk driving. Maybe even hurt someone,kill someone or hurt himself.

I'd never put up with a friend or lover who was a drunk driver. The lieing is the least of your problems.

He could deep down be concerned about his own drinking. The lies about how much one has had to drink are more about lying to themselves than to you. It's complicated. And compounded by your past relationships.

He really does need to consider alternative solutions to getting home from the pub.

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Alcoholics/drinkers are often either in denial or unaware how much they drink. My ex bf was often shocked to find out how much he actually drank ( when he saw a proof), he was always convinced it was just a half of that

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If he's going to the pub up to 4 times a week, I doubt he really drinks less than you.

You say he's meeting friends, but there's always the option of meeting at one's home, or actually anywhere else where alcohol is not the focal point of the environment.

These meetings sound like a good excuse to get blitzed as often as possible, and then still operate a deadly weapon on your way home.



Sounds like Divine and HM4M are onto something... Seems like his lying is more related to his relationship with alcohol than his relationship with you.

Either way, it sucks that he's dishonest about it though.

Hi guys.

I'm sorry to bring an old post up. He's done it again.

It took us a lot of effort to get over the last one (when I started the thread). It was months of me questioning him whenever he went out and drove. Then I started to see how unfair I was being and backed off again. This was about nine months ago.

He broke my trust again and drove over the limit for the third time last week. I'm absolutely distraught.

I understand that you have trust issues but this is not about you. He has an alcohol problem, drives while drunk, and endangers people's lives. You told him you would not accept lying and then you have backed down and accepted it. He has no reason to change and probably won't. The root of your distress is that you are in a relationship that is not good for you.

This is really, Really, REALLY inexcusible behavior. Such a callous disregard for safety demonstrates a callous disregard for anything of value, ethics, and morals - including relationships.

Does he have a drinking problem? If he does, there is still no excuse for himself not planning on an alternate way home and ensuring he - and those around him including families - gets home safely. This is just plain irresponsible. This is a disregard for other's lives.

Why do I sound so harsh? My neighbours were wiped out by a drunk driver leaving their 4 kids instantly orphaned. We just had a case of a woman killing an entire family. Notably we just had an incident involving our provincial minister of liquor and gaming.

At the very least he should be considering the detrimental effects if he gets caught. Not sure there but here it involves having your licensed removed. Many jobs require the ability to drive.

I second this. A guy I went to school with and have known for almost 30 years lost his dad to a drunk driver when we were kids. He's been in and out of jail ever since(currently in) and he broke the day his dad was killed. He went from a sweet funny boy to a prepubescent felon over night. It kills me to think of how much happier and better life would be for him if that drunk idiot didn't take his whole world away from him. This is also why I'll never drink and drive, get in a car with anyone who has drank any alcohol and I dead any friends that drive drunk. Hey be as self destructive as you want just don't put other people at risk.

Drinking problem? In my point of view if you are socially drinking more than once a week you have a significant problem with alcohol.

Thank you guys, thank you so, so much for your honesty and opinions. I think he is in the mindset now that he doesn't have a bigger problem than he actually does - however He's coming around a bit now.

I am going to let him read through this thread and see if that helps for him.

Xx

Penalties for drink driving offences. Penalties on conviction for drink driving will vary depending on the amount of alcohol that has been detected in your system. Another factor the court will take account of is whether the offence is your first offence or otherwise.
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