Looking for advice on relationship with recovering alcoholic

I’m wondering if anyone could give me some advice / insight about being in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic.

My boyfriend has been sober for nearly two years and has never had a relapse. We’ve been together for about a year and a half.

I’m writing because (due, in part, to a specific situation) I’ve found myself extremely depressed for the last two weeks. Like, nearly paralyzed by depression -- lots of crying, anxiety, shaking, etc.

Two days ago, my boyfriend came to me and said this wasn’t working for him. His reasons kept going back and forth between 1) he doesn’t see a future with me and 2) my sadness is just too overwhelming. Certainly, I know it’s no fun to be around such a depressed person, but this acute depression has only been happening for two weeks (although it does indeed feel much longer). I would have hoped he could have given me a chance to try to get better.

I was extremely upset about this, specifically the timing of it, and asked why he had to pick the middle of this trauma to tell me he wasn’t sure we had a future. He’s not typically a cruel person. Then he broke down and told me that my depression is too much for him to handle and was jeopardizing his sobriety. I am very supportive of his sobriety and would never want to do anything to put it in jeopardy. At the same time, it seems that when he feels overwhelmed and can’t have a drink, he doesn’t know what else to do. And that’s when he typically bails on things.

I suggested that he could have started by coming to me and saying he was freaked out by my depression and was tempted to drink. I said we could have come up with some middle-ground approaches (how can I work on myself without him feeling overly stressed; can we ask one of our therapists to meet with us together; can he go to an AA meeting; can we see a little less of each other for a while) before he ended things abruptly.

He decided he was willing to take some time apart -- three weeks -- and then get back together to talk about our relationship / breaking up.

I’m worried that I’ve essentially given him three weeks to bolster his idea that I’m too stressful. I’d like to be able to give this relationship another try -- and for him to believe that’s worthwhile.

Admittedly I don’t completely understand the mindset of a recovering alcoholic and I’d like to be able to better understand him so I can do a better job trying to make this relationship work. Clearly, he’s an individual, but I’m assuming there are some characteristics that are common among recovering addicts. With that in mind, what might he be afraid of, what might be a good compromise for me to offer when we get back together to discuss our relationship, what are things a recovering alcoholic really needs and what makes one shut down (because I feel he shuts down when things get stressful). I know there’s a chance he is just done with this relationship – which kills me. But I really want to salvage this if possible.

I’d truly appreciate any insight anyone could offer.

Hi Sarah, (((hugs))). In AA they say you are not suppose to do anything for at least the first year of your sobriety, no relationships, no changes cause you are still changing. When they do get involved it is too much and often makes them have a relapse. AA is a program that says TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE. When an alcoholic lives for others they set themselves up to be dishonest and neglect their own sobriety and often it is a matter of time until they go back out. Often when that happens they don't make it back into the rooms. Your depression is triggering him and he needs to get away and reflect. Why not use this time apart to work on yourself with a counselor or therapist for yourself? When we are so consumed with others we become dependant upon them which stresses the other one out. To better understand your boyfriend i highly recommend reading the book CODEPENDENT NO MORE by Melodie Beatty. It is an excellent book about alcoholics and those in relationships with them. I cannot say enough about this book. tc and blessings

What does he do to support his own recovery? For example, I gather from your posts that he does not go to AA. How if at all does he get support from others, such as those also in recovery?

His timing may seem cruel but he bails specifically when there is stress because that is precisely when he is tempted to drink--to deal with the stress.He needs to develop better methods of coping besides bailing. Is he working on that?

It sounds like you are blaming yourself and looking to change yourself in order to get him to stay. The thing is that as i see it change is needed in him, and only he can make those changes. Certainly I support you in working on your own healing, but your stress reaction and depression make sense under the circumstances. I hate to see you blame yourself for something that lies with him to control and change.

Another book that I'd recommend is "The Alcoholic's Wife". I think I obtained that through AlAnon? It was a while ago. It's not easy being on this side of another's recovery.

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Alcoholics drink because they are addicted to alcohol not because their loved ones do this or that wrong. It could be that he wants to leave and the only excuse he can come up with is his addiction

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Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts and insight.

I answered your same post in the addicts section. Hope I helped somewhat!

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