[summersover]

Since March 2015, I've been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend, and we got engaged in August last year.

Our relationship is amazing, and there's really no problems at all. But sometimes I can't help but crush on other guys I'm close to and fantasy about them. I've never cheated on him, but I have talked to a friend of ours about sex. I feel so disgusting but it feels so good at the same time. I could never tell my fiance about it though, it would break his heart. I really think I should keep it a closet fantasy.

Anyways, I've made a new friend recently, and I can feel myself developing feelings for him. Like right now I'm really excited thinking about him.

So this is the second guy I've liked so far while I've been with my boyfriend.

I should also mention the first guy I liked offered me to stay at his place when I come back to the US from Sweden, and honestly I have no choice at this point. It's either him or be homeless. And also, this first guy tells me he's fallen in love with me.

Anyways, what I'm trying to say is I feel pretty guilty for feeling this way, but at the same time it's like a rush and it feels so good. I've never done drugs, but it feels the same way as people describe when they're high. Just thinking about having sex with these other guys makes me so excited.

The weird part about it is the fact that me and my fiance have no problems at all in our relationship. So why am I fantasizing and why does it feel so good?

I think it is natural to fantasize, even if you are in a committed monogamous relationship. But do you think you are merely fantasizing?

[summersover]

Originally Posted by Nickname

I think it is natural to fantasize, even if you are in a committed monogamous relationship. But do you think you are merely fantasizing?

I'm not sure. Part of me wants to try and talk about these fantasies with other guys but then I'd be cheating and my fiance is the only one I love. With the other guys, it's more like I'm just getting high off of the idea of having a one night stand with them.

Again, I think, it is natural to fantasize. But, if your relationship is good with your boyfriend, may be it is worth paying attention to the consequences in case you materialized your fantasies by taking steps toward that end, and your boyfriend found out.

[Yoda]

The fantasies are harmless and normal, in my opinion. Of course if you are feeling bothered by them then it would be different for you.

What concerns me is when you say, "the first guy I liked offered me to stay at his place when I come back to the US from Sweden, and honestly I have no choice at this point. It's either him or be homeless". If you feel as though you must continue the relationship because you are dependent on him it is unhealthy.

Take things slowly with the fiancee. Don't rush into anything; there is no harm in a long engagement. I got engaged then married within six months of meeting my (now ex-) husband. I wish I had waited.

I wish you the best.

[healingme4me]

Have you tried pre marital counseling?

What's lacking in your relationship that you are making new emotional connections with other men? In so far as to discuss sex with someone else?

Worth exploring in individual therapy as well.

Could very well be nothing at all about the relationship itself? It could be there's something about your sense of self that needs addressing. Some sense of fulfillment or discovered purpose in your self that needs attention? Could be a myriad of things. Seeking male companions while engaged seems like a slippery slope.

[Bill3]

Perhaps it would be prudent to figure out a different place to stay when you return to the US, rather than stay with a guy who professes to love you and with whom you have discussed having sex and have had intensely arousing fantasies of having sex with.

[summersover]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Have you tried pre marital counseling?

What's lacking in your relationship that you are making new emotional connections with other men? In so far as to discuss sex with someone else?

Worth exploring in individual therapy as well.

Could very well be nothing at all about the relationship itself? It could be there's something about your sense of self that needs addressing. Some sense of fulfillment or discovered purpose in your self that needs attention? Could be a myriad of things. Seeking male companions while engaged seems like a slippery slope.

I really think it's me that needs some sort of fulfillment. My fiancee is amazing, and he gives me so much and he's everything I've ever wanted. But there's also that adventurous side of me that wants more, and it feels good to have other men fall in love with me.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by summersover

I really think it's me that needs some sort of fulfillment. My fiancee is amazing, and he gives me so much and he's everything I've ever wanted. But there's also that adventurous side of me that wants more, and it feels good to have other men fall in love with me.

That can be construed as self sabotaging behavior. Is that something that you want to see changed?

[hannabee]

I wouldn't exactly call you committed in this relationship...seems like you need something more. Just a guess, but did you have a loving, fulfilling relationship with your Dad? If not, then that may have something to do with you needing more from a guy. In any case, big hug for you and I hope you figure things out before getting married or bringing kids into the mix.

[summersover]

Originally Posted by hannabee

I wouldn't exactly call you committed in this relationship...seems like you need something more. Just a guess, but did you have a loving, fulfilling relationship with your Dad? If not, then that may have something to do with you needing more from a guy. In any case, big hug for you and I hope you figure things out before getting married or bringing kids into the mix.

No, my dad emotionally abused me, and still does to this day.

Also, I think part of it has to do with self-sabotage, since at the moment life isn't going so well with the possibility I might be homeless, and I've been thinking a lot about suicide.

[Ocean Swimmer]

How old are you if I may ask?
I was engaged for a year. I asked my fiancé if I could see anyone else.
He said I shouldn't have to ask.
But he never had more than one girlfriend at a time. Even in college.
I was accustomed to multiple dating. Nothing serious.
Everyone's different.

[summersover]

Originally Posted by Ocean Swimmer

How old are you if I may ask?
I was engaged for a year. I asked my fiancé if I could see anyone else.
He said I shouldn't have to ask.
But he never had more than one girlfriend at a time. Even in college.
I was accustomed to multiple dating. Nothing serious.
Everyone's different.

I'm 20.

My boyfriend doesn't like the idea of me seeing other people...I mentioned the idea of a three way once with another guy and he rejected that idea right away.

The thing is, if I knew he crushed on other girls, I would be pretty pissed off and I would feel very betrayed.

I don't mind the idea of maybe doing sexual things with others as long as he's with me, but he just doesn't like that idea at all because he doesn't want to share me. That's what he says. That's one of the reasons I love him. I think my problem is I'm just crazy horny all the time. :P

[Bill3]

Also, I think part of it has to do with self-sabotage, since at the moment life isn't going so well with the possibility I might be homeless, and I've been thinking a lot about suicide.

I'm very sorry to hear this. I am also very sorry to learn that your dad is emotionally abusive. Do you have, or could you get, a therapist to speak with?

[summersover]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I'm very sorry to hear this. I am also very sorry to learn that your dad is emotionally abusive. Do you have, or could you get, a therapist to speak with?

Yes, I have someone I talk to every other week. She wants to meet with me weekly now ever since last week since I haven't been doing so great this month.

[Bill3]

Thanks. What do you think of meeting her weekly?

[summersover]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Thanks. What do you think of meeting her weekly?

I think it's a good idea, especially with how my mental state is now. She also really wants me to see a psychiatrist because I have issues the she can't really help me with, like my suicidal thoughts. She specializes in helping people who have had abusive parents.

[Bill3]

I hope that you do begin to see her weekly and that you do follow up with a psychiatrist. I think that things can be better. And, if okay, I hope that you will let us know how you are doing.

[divine1966]

Don't marry a man if you think of others. You are 20. No need to be neither married nor engaged. I got married at 20. I don't regret it but objectively speaking it was dumb.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Trippin2.0]

Your fantasies and crushes are your brain's way of telling you that no matter how much you really love your bf, you're just not marriage material right now and that you should wait until you're ready....

[Poppy.K]

I am a married gal who shares these types of feelings. I've been married three years, and there have been two particular gents who have captured my fancy during this time, although like you, nothing has happened. I have a bit of an issue where I am usually disinterested and a bit cold at first, and I have trouble getting close with people... but once I do, I seem to get a bit infatuated. One guy is a friend of my husband, who I found I just share so many interests with, and we are able to have amazing discussions, and we shared some stories about battling depression and social anxiety, so I just kind of felt so connected. And he's just super attractive to me, although not someone my husband would ever see as a threat! Also we live abroad, so I don't see him, and anyways, I'm not worried about something happening, it's more of a flirtatious friendship, and anyways, I live abroad so hardly ever see him!
The other was a friend we met here, as I find it incredibly difficult to meet people in this country I'm in, and he was just such a great conversationalist, fell into talking easily, which is rare for me. He and hubby got along great, we used to hang out in groups a lot, but now we've lost touch, and I super miss him.
Anyways, I mention this, because I've found that when I form a bond with someone, and they give me these flirtatious vibes, I kind of get off or thrive on it. Not something I'm proud of, but I am am incredibly insecure person, despite being seen by others positively. I think my lack of self-confidence kind of pokes me on to seek this attention, despite my husband being super supportive and loving (sometimes I think too much, and get annoyed like he's overcompensating for some reason...) Maybe you need to work on your confidence, and your feelings towards your fiancé, though you may love him, sometimes you need to find the love for yourself first. Trust me, when you're hating on yourself, or you lack confidence, it's very hard to be in a strong, functioning relationship. Not saying this is the case, but maybe a reason you enjoy/seek this attention.

[summersover]

Originally Posted by Poppy.K

I am a married gal who shares these types of feelings. I've been married three years, and there have been two particular gents who have captured my fancy during this time, although like you, nothing has happened. I have a bit of an issue where I am usually disinterested and a bit cold at first, and I have trouble getting close with people... but once I do, I seem to get a bit infatuated. One guy is a friend of my husband, who I found I just share so many interests with, and we are able to have amazing discussions, and we shared some stories about battling depression and social anxiety, so I just kind of felt so connected. And he's just super attractive to me, although not someone my husband would ever see as a threat! Also we live abroad, so I don't see him, and anyways, I'm not worried about something happening, it's more of a flirtatious friendship, and anyways, I live abroad so hardly ever see him!
The other was a friend we met here, as I find it incredibly difficult to meet people in this country I'm in, and he was just such a great conversationalist, fell into talking easily, which is rare for me. He and hubby got along great, we used to hang out in groups a lot, but now we've lost touch, and I super miss him.
Anyways, I mention this, because I've found that when I form a bond with someone, and they give me these flirtatious vibes, I kind of get off or thrive on it. Not something I'm proud of, but I am am incredibly insecure person, despite being seen by others positively. I think my lack of self-confidence kind of pokes me on to seek this attention, despite my husband being super supportive and loving (sometimes I think too much, and get annoyed like he's overcompensating for some reason...) Maybe you need to work on your confidence, and your feelings towards your fiancé, though you may love him, sometimes you need to find the love for yourself first. Trust me, when you're hating on yourself, or you lack confidence, it's very hard to be in a strong, functioning relationship. Not saying this is the case, but maybe a reason you enjoy/seek this attention.

Aww, thank you for sharing. Makes me feel better about this whole thing.

My fiancee and I are really close, and it's weird because part of me wants to tell him that I've crushed on these two guys (which I'm developing a crush on one of them now). He gets really jealous though, and it makes him so upset even if I joke about something like that. He got mad when I mentioned marrying a celebrity. I understand where he's coming from, because I would feel the same way, but at the same time, I would like him to be open with me about celebrity fantasies and even crushes if he had one on another girl. As long as I knew he was mine forever, and would never leave me for anyone else.

I would never leave him for someone else, most of my crushes on these other men stem from sexual needs. My fiancee isn't exactly the kinkiest guy haha. I actually asked if he would do a three way with one of my crushes, and he told me he wouldn't want to share me with anyone else.

I know that this new crush will soon pass, and I'll only fantasize about him every once in awhile after the initial crush is over. That's what happened with my friend before, and I don't expect this to be any different since I truly love my fiancee.

As for my self-esteem, I could definitely improve myself. I'm not in the best state of mind at the moment because I'm going through a really hard decision, which isn't helping.

I've gone through a lot of ups and downs where I've had great self-confidence to having none at all. Not exactly sure why, but it might be a result of my depression that started when I was about 14-15.

Once again, thank you for sharing, it definitely makes me feel better about my situation, like I'm not an asshole.

Feel free to message me if you'd like to talk.

[RomanSunburn]

Originally Posted by summersover

Since March 2015, I've been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend, and we got engaged in August last year.

I know everyone has their own timeline, but doesn't this seem a little quick? Am I correct in understanding that you got engaged just 5 months after starting to date him? And you have been together for a total of one year?

I have to agree with Trippin... I just think you're not quite ready to be married. And that's totally okay. But this engagement doesn't sound like it's really right for you.

[eskielover]

Just because something feels good & gives you a high doesn't mean it's right. There is a thing when one is in a committed relationship called SELF-CONTROL.......that means that you stand by your commitment & you don't look at other guys no matter what with sex in mind or even talk to them about it.

If you don't want to have the self-control to be in that committed relationship then get out of it because you aren't being fair to your fiancee.

I knew the guy I married just less than a year & I was just getting to know him when we got married & I blew off the red flags because I got talked out of them then talked myself out of them.....HUGE MISTAKE....but I committed to the relationship & stayed in it for 33 miserable years & I had SELF-CONTROL during those years & even now because the divorce isn't final & I hold onto self-control as long as I am NOT married to a person.

If you feel it's wrong.....they you need to listen to those feelings because that little voice inside is what SELF-CONTROL is based on & usually are your moral values that you are blowing off rather than listening to.

Things go wrong in life.....sex isn't the answer to fixing them. You need to learn how to deal with the problems that are causing you issues & not add more issues to it which messing up your emotional life will do.