Just can't get over him and feel so lost - please help

Thank you, that means a lot.

I know what you mean about self diagnosis and I think my mum labelling me from a young age has affected me more than I realised.


I have only just started seeing a new therapist as the last one I saw (about 6 months ago) didn't really agree with me and I felt the connection wasn't there. I have tried various therapists in the past and I'm hoping this one works out better.

We are currently discussing my childhood and my mum labelling me with Aspergers/autism and the affect its had on me. However, I would like to talk more about this ex, but it's early days I guess. I see her every Thursday, so perhaps I should mention it this week.

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I think childhood is important. But you've been so severely depressed unmotivated and suicidal over these two men ( one of whom you barely knew) that it seems strange your t doesn't address that ASAP. My t and I talked a lot about my childhood but not when I am upset about something that's happening now

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Idk how old this thread is but it strikes me as a manipulative person to say things like

Umm no. Just no. Move on and grip the reality of the fact that he's moved on. I can see no other motivation for him to say those things other than manipulating you for his own reasons - likely the reasons stated by others, his ego. He likes that you're hanging on it boosts his egotistical nature to know that he's dumped someone and has her on a leash still. I personally don't understand it but have seen this far too many times both from women and men that do this to others. It's a disgusting way to behave if you ask me.

How much truth do you believe that someone is being held back from loving their current partner that they've clearly chosen by their past flame that they left? Look at the big picture, if you love someone so much that you can't love another person as much, would you be with the new person or remain with the one that clearly has your heart? Honestly it's a flat out lie and manipulating words to keep you wrapped around his finger and hanging on.

If he couldn't love another person as much he would have not CHOSEN HER and asked her to marry him. Period.

Don't even take any of his lies to heart. Let it go, accept reality that he's gone and find your own way without anyone. That is truly the best thing for you at the moment.

Well to be fair, I've only seen her once and so I will talk about it this week. I guess she is trying to start with the basics, but like you say, I really do need help with my present situation.

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I totally agree and I'm not delusional and realise that if he truly loved me, that he would be with me. However, I do feel that he has chosen her because she doesn't know what he's like and he feels that he can start a fresh and 'pull the wool over her eyes' so to speak. My mum and others say that it's only a matter of time before she realises what he's like, but perhaps he's changed his ways for her, but do people change that much?? Can you go from being a liar and womaniser, to loyal and honest???

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ASD is spectrum...& it doesn't mean anyone is bad or the problem. Honestly if people did spend time finding someone who is TRULY compatible in the first place there wouldn't be the number of divorces that there are. That has NOTHING to do with ASD. Compatibility is an issue no matter what....& if just saying "I love you" meant a successful marriage there wouldn't be the number of divorces either.

All too often people brush off the incompatibility...you even said he treated you badly but you were so desperate to have someone care that it didn't matter....until its something you have agreed in marriage to live with the rest of your life.

You need to be wise in who you want to commit to, not desperate if you truly want to find that special person in your life or you will settle for less & end up unhappy in the long run. Love grows in relationships & it grows with compatibility & common interests & most of all a RESPECT for each other. It's not something you can force to happen

We all have something wrong with us. You do. I do. The person in line ahead of you at the supermarket does. If that disqualified people from having relationships, the human species would have died out a long time ago. Adolf Hitler had a girlfriend who adored him. Do you thing you're more damaged than Hitler was? Guys who've committed terrible murders and been put in prison for life end up getting married to women who come to visit them. It's actually pretty amazing how nutty you can be and still have someone fall in love with you. It happens all the time. Just don't overly rely on the Internet to provide you with possibke suiters. Get off the desktop or the tablet or the smart phone, and get out there in the real world. I see so many threads here about people all upset over on-line romances that went in a bad direction. These are the fakest relationships in the world.

And yes, this guy is going from woman to woman, always attracted to someone new who hasn't caught on to how screwed up he is. This supposed marriage he has coming up in a year may very well never happen.

This guy's life has so many turns and twists to it that it is like a soap opera - one that you have gotten addicted to watching. You want to see what happens in the next episode. Find a healthier hobby for yourself. You won't learn how to live your life to the fullest, while you are sitting around being an audience to the drama of his life. Plus, what he tells you is happening is his doctored up version and not the truth.

If you have the ability to care - and clearly you do - then you are capable of being in a relationship. You are not going to be everyone's cup of tea. Not everyone will be yours. That doesn't mean there is something horribly wrong with you or them. Just keep taking an interest in people. Someone out there needs you just as bad as you need someone. Finding them is the challenge. Keep looking.

Thank you both so much, your comments are so encouraging and thought provoking and that's exactly what I needed right now.

This forum has helped me immensely, when I feel that I can't talk to my friends and family, as I'm frightened of driving them away (going over the same thing) it's been a real saviour.

I have been doing a lot of research on books to read to help with moving on and learning to love yourself a bit more.

Thank you all so much again for taking the time to post and give me your opinions.

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So agree with Rose. We all have our quirks and no one is perfect and everyone deserves to be loved.

And no point to follow up his dudes drama. For a fact it's more fun watching some drama on tv! Who cares why he chose this woman. You are free. Out and about. Next time he wants to talk tell him you are too busy with new friends and new dates and have no time and cut all contacts

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Put down the books and the device that gets you on the Internet. What you're doing is looking for ways to keep thinking about him and your experience with him. You want to talk about him with your therapist. You want to research relations like the one you had with him. You want to stay immersed in this pseudo-experience.

Get out of the house everyday and go interact with people. No book is going to teach you to love yourself. You need attention from other people. You need success in romance. Life has to be lived. You can read about it till the cows come home, and - in the end - you will have learned nothing.

I completely get what you're saying, but I feel in order to be successful in romance that I need to learn to love myself first. It's a chicken and egg situation I guess.

I feel that seeing a therapist is the same as reading self help books, it's all about improving your wellbeing, but I totally get what you mean about ending up to immersed in stuff instead of living for the now. I just find it a comfort sometimes and I don't know how to start loving myself, so I need some guidance.

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