[cureav]

Hi
I am in one relationship where I'm struggling with fear of losing a girlfriend.
She likes me, but my fear of abandonment is so easily triggered that it bothers me: when ever she talks about another guy or she looks away from me looking so interested in something that not includes me, I feel that I don't matter. She calls me to come to her room and when I'm there she can't let her mobile phone down. She gives me constant treatment that I don't matter. I stopped going out with her in public cause whenever her full attention is on someone else, I feel so frightened and lonely. I caught myself in making steps of getting away from her before she does that to me again and presses that button again.
Yesterday she noticed that and asked if I am waiting desperately for her to say to me 'Goodbye'. And yes, I told her that it feels like I'm having this thing called Fear of Abandonment and that it hasn't started with her, but a long ago.
Now I have a feeling that I placed a pressure onto her to constantly think if she would trigger this issue in me and also I think that I've already with that placed guilt onto her for even a possibility of leaving me cause she would hurt me a lot, just like someone in my past did.
Long story short... I don't know how to get to the root of this fear cause I'm starting to abandoning her first without the reason (a protective mechanism).
Should I let go of everything and be vulnerable 100% to this thing? How could I challenge this fear so I wouldn't be always at the edge of it, but more flexible?
Please any ideas cause this fear won't let me peaceful.

[Rose76]

You probably don't need to worry about having put her into a guilt state of mind. People are actually a lot slower to feel guilt than you think.

That leaves you with two possible problems that are realistic. One is that you really do have an excessive fear of abandonment, which I think you probably do have. The second is that this new girlfriend of yours really isn't the type of girl to make a guy feel secure. My guess is that it's a combination of those two things.

You probably can't talk yourself out of having this fear of abandonment. That's part of who you are, at this point. It will possibly only go away, if it ever does, when you find a really satisfying relationship that becomes truly permanent. Unti then, the best you can do about that tendency is to tell yourself that losing a relationship is not the end of the world and will not kill you. Losing the last girl hurt, but life went on and you found another girl. That may have to happen a few times before you find "the one." And that's okay. The upside of that is that a series of relationships might actually lead to you finding a more compatible person than if you fiercely held on to the one you are in. You wouldn't necessarily buy the very first car a salesman shows you. Lots of people go through a series of failed relationships, before they get in one that sticks. When they finally get into a permanent one, they usually look back and are glad they moved on from those earlier relationships. (That was my own experience.)

Then there is that second issue of this girl maybe not acting in a way that would make any guy feel secure. I suspect there is some of that going on. She may be the type who just has to have a boyfriend and will try and hang on to a guy, even though she is not that into him. Her thinking may be, "I'll hang on to this guy, until something better comes along. There actually are a fair number of young women who will do that, and I've known some. Often they are prettier than average and figure they can just try guys out, but keep shopping the market. It wouldn't be wrong of you to test this out. You might tell her that you're not going to hang around, while she pays a lot of attention to her phone. Then you have to back that up with action. If she is really seriously into you, she will put that phone down. If she doesn't, then she is saying she can take you or leave you. In that case, you might want to move on yourself. Don't be the kind of guy who always leaves it to the girl to decide to be the one to leave. If a girl is not making you feel pretty special, then you may need to say, "I want better than this." Doing that will actually build your confidence. Don't be willing to settle for whatever crumbs of attention a girl will throw you. When you really care, give a lot, and expect a lot back. That's okay.

[Trippin2.0]

My relationship has been strong, healthy, happy and secure, yet I too still struggle with this demon at times.

Admittedly, it has lessoned the more secure I started feeling, as per Rose's post above.


When I do struggle though (I have BPD), I have a coping mechanism in place that I utilize.


Fact checking, backed up with evidence of course.


I take an inventory of all the evidence (physical or substantial) that proves my BF wants to be with me.


Then I compare that with the substantial evidence that he wants to bolt and is planning his exit.


These latter bits of "evidence" have so far only been in my head. Lol


One other thing that definitely has helped, is that he assured me that if for any reason he is unhappy in our relationship, he will communicate it to me immediately, and he's never BS'd me before, so there's no reason to believe he will start now.


I would also urge you to work on your self esteem, doesn't seem like you have much of that going around, and it really does wonders for us and our relationships.

[cureav]

Rose76, thanks a lot for your words. It sounds so fresh and full of sense!
I wish I could have some criteria so I could easier read red flags, but no, guess I'm blind to an emotional manipulation. I wish people just have more consideration to other people.
Thanks for your time!

[Rose76]

Your not blind and you do notice red flags because you've pointed some out, like the constant attention to her phone.

Your problem is more that you willingly accept poor treatment because you think it is better than nothing. Start raising the bar on what you expect. If I go out to lunch with another female and she keeps looking at her phone, I'll be slow to do lunch with her again. And this is not someone that I'm dating and considering spending my life with.

Your girlfriend may just have some bad habits. Help her to break them. Woukd she put up with you making her feel ignored? I doubt it.

[handheart]

Dear friend your problem its very serious .If you continue this way the girl will think you are disperate and its not good and i am sure that sometimes you interprete wrong .Be very careful what you think and what you do because in one day you will make something wrong and you will lose her .My advice try to be relaxed and calm and dont show your feelings because he will see and maybe will play with you .You know the word : from what you will afraid you will not escape ,well its true .Get this problem out ,good luck to you