[totrustornottotrust]

I once was a girl who vowed to never be "that girl" that looked on her boyfriends phone out of insecurity.....unfortunately this morning I was "that girl". I have had an uneasy feeling about things between my boyfriend and I for the last couple of weeks and today when I looked on his phone I saw that he has been texting another women, who happens to be the massage therapist at the PT office that he goes to. I read a bit of their text string and within the texts he was telling lies and also trying to make plans with this woman to hang out. Other than seeing this he treats me very well and tells me frequently that he is planning on asking me to marry him, but I dont know how to confront the situation. I cant be with someone who I cant trust, but dont want to make a big deal out of something that isnt a big deal. Any input or advice would be much appreciated.

[healingme4me]

Tough call. To play your hand and come clean out of sense of guilt for crossing that well known line of privacy can turn into quite a conundrum. In a typical sense, he more than likely will profess how it's you that can't be trusted, etc., etc., etc. You're posting here writing how this isn't something you've ever wanted to be reduced to, so I'll save that aspect as a given.
Which still leaves how to address this. I mean noone can control the behaviors of another, what's going to happen is going to happen. No matter how unpleasant that idea is

I guess perhaps take inventory of what is lacking for you in terms of the relationship itself. What exactly brought about that nagging feeling. And maybe address things from that angle? For instance, "it seems like you've been distant lately. Is there anything you would like to talk about?"

Hopefully others have suggestions that offer perspective.

[divine1966]

Well in my opinion it is a big deal. Making plans to hang out with other women behind your back is a big deal. Now what made you feel insecure? How is he treating you?

I wouldn't confess right away because he would just hide better next time. If he makes plans to hang out how is he going to go about? Do you live together? Wouldn't you know when he meets up with her?

I agree with healing idea of asking him questions in regards to your relationship and how you feel about it and then see what he has to say?

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Sorry to hear your bf lied to you. It's a good thing you found out now. If he is lying to another woman and leading her on, you can bet he is doing the same to you. This is his shtick. He lies to get what he wants, then lies when he gets caught. He is a little boy that never grew up. I don't see how you could trust him or even think he deserves your trust. I do understand being so in love you want to believe every excuse this man comes up with but try to see the facts. He is just another lying man and will keep you waiting and holding on to excuses for as long as he likes. If you ever want to marry, this man does not sound like he will ever actually commit. I am sorry but you need to heed the warning that is staring you in the face.

[lineman1010]

To trust or not to trust.....very good question.
I can only speak for myself and maybe it'll help.
Trust in a relationship is TOP priority for the foundation as with respect for one another.
As far as your BF " not trustworthy" as for you there had to be "something" that made you feel to look at his phone.
Don't blame yourself for looking . Most couples whether they admit it or not look at their partners phone , usually 9 out of 10 do. I personally do not lock or hide mine at all if asked I'll gladly give it to my partner. As will I expect the same in return especially if there is possible matrimony involved. It is also said that if spouses traded phones for a day , that at the end of that day most would be asking questions about what they've seen.
Privacy .......is there and should there be privacy in a relationship? If there is a foundation of mutual trust and respect my answer is " no ".
How to address the messages you've found ....easy ....ask about them .....hard ....what to do with and take his response....that has to totally your decision ( not an easy one). Hopefully he'll come clean and rebuild your trust, or deny , lie and cover his tracks better, or put it back on you for violating his " privacy" . If it's not the first suggestion of rebuilding .....then unfortunately the relationship you have with him is doomed. Simple as that. Only you know what you feel and all the support or advice means nothing . I do hope that you and he find a mutual solution whether to stay or go. Your situation is terrible and I certainly feel what you are going through. Good luck to you him.

Your intuition told you to look. What you saw revealed something that was hidden. It would be great if this was as simple as what I just wrote. But it's much more complicated. What does it mean? Well, my daughter's ex-boyfriend did the same thing. He started looking for his next before he was finished with his last. My son's boyfriend did the same thing. He began hanging out with his next before he was finished with his last. In both cases, there was a break up. My daughter's boyfriend actually ended up having a fling with his best friend's girlfriend. What a cliche. So he cheated on my daughter.

That doesn't mean this is what's happening to you. But it might mean that. Some people just can't bow out gracefully and then move to their next. Those people are called overlappers. They overlap their relationships. So they find their next before they leave their last. It's totally unfair to the person they are currently with. But they are afraid of being alone, so they overlap. This might be what's happening. I've seen this happen twice, once with each of my adult children. I'm sorry if this is what's happening. And again, it doesn't mean I'm right.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I agree with all above posters and I would of probably brought it up with my SO ASAP! I wouldn't be able to sleep on something like this at all. I would go so far as to call this "an emotional affair". I'm not telling you that you should do the same. But ask yourself, is this a healthy building block for marriage? I would think not. But that's just me of course. Good luck with whatever approach you take to this.

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[Open Eyes]

It sounds like he wants to keep you on the line (promising to marry you eventually) while he still shops around.

Maybe you should find out when his next PT therapy is and pay a surprise visit so you can meet this message therapist. OR, you could continue sneaking a peak and see if he plans to meet, when, where, what time and just happen to be there too if it's someplace you can go like a restaurant etc, grab a friend to go with you if you can. Better to catch them in the act so they can't deni.

It is better to know "risks" up front before you get tied into a marriage or anything long term. Yes, it hurts, but better now then when so much more is invested.

[divine1966]

Although snooping might not be a good idea in general under these circumstances ( talking marriage) it is better to know up front. I agree with others either confront him now or see if you can catch them in action and be done with him

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[Bill3]

I have had an uneasy feeling about things between my boyfriend and I for the last couple of weeks

Tell him about this uneasy feeling and then ask what he is thinking about you and about the relationship. You could even ask if there is someone else.

[Pikku Myy]

I personally need total trust and commitment from my lover.... i would not tolerate this... move on.

[Melodysmooth]

I'm sorry to say this is a big deal, and it can lead to an bigger deal if nothing is done. You listened to your gut feeling, you felt uneasy for a reason and your instincts were right. If he was texting another woman, telling her lies and making plans for them to 'hang out'.. this sounds like a man that's already in or waiting to get himself into deep trouble.

You already don't trust him now, because after reading those text messages I can only imagine the amount distrust you feel towards him. And you have all the rights to feel this way, you have to point this out to him. It being indirectly or direct, but let him know there is something wrong and ask him everything now is the time to clear everything out. If you don't want to point it out just yet or need more 'proof' of what's going on without asking, you can keep snooping. (But, don't wait too long..)

I don't know the type of man he is, there are people who would just admit it and then there are those who would run around the bush until you forgive them. "She's just a friend, why are you snooping on me to begin with?, I can't have girl friends now?" and the list goes on. Be prepared for any of those response, and do what makes you feel right. He has to be open with you and not lie or talking to other women in that way behind your back, especially if this is someone whose planning on asking you to marry him in the future. These type of things setback accomplishments in a relationship, if you do decide to forgive him then that's a whole process of trusting again. I understand he treats you well, and no one is perfect but if he continues to do this behind your back, I'm sure you're already aware of what it can lead to.

Hope you're able to find some comfort through all this!

[seeker1950]

I've been in that position of having to snoop. It's not a good feeling, but something within the relationship, your inner voice, your gut feeling, is causing you to do so. A totally committed, secure relationship should never drive you to have to snoop. Something wasn't / isn't right, and you sense it. Trust your instincts. Don't berate yourself from having snooped. Not sure if you should confront him, as this will put the onus on you, and his reaction will probably be that your are at fault.

Despite talk of marriage, there is no need for you to remain in this relationship if it's making you feel insecure. You don't even have to give much of an explanation, though it may seem that you do. Just walk away.

[totrustornottotrust]

Thank you all for your responses and advice. I will be having a difficult discussion with him this weekend.

[Bill3]

(((((totrustornottotrust)))))

[x_BabyG_x]

This is a huge deal. Trust your instincts, always. It's the only thing in this world that can't lie to you. Xxxxx