Attention--never ending quest to find out what is healthy and what isn't...

Some background: I am quasi-diagnosed with BPD, diagnosed PTSD and GAD, and have some serious attachment issues. I was abused and neglected as a kid, took on a parenting role at 7, got into my first (one of two) abusive relationships at 13. Consistent and constant abuse victim up until three years ago. I also want to say that I recognize that not a single one of these are excuses. I don't make excuses for my behavior and in fact, work very hard to do so and to keep my behavior in check as I realize these things directly affect my life, my thinking, my relationships, etc...

I'm in a committed relationship and it is my first healthy one. I feel like I am continuing to discover what a healthy relationship is and try to create it. I have never had one modeled for me, so I am going off of textbooks, honestly. I have issues with attachment. I am severely overly attached. If he leaves, or is going to leave, I consistently find myself getting immediately distressed, depressed, riddled with anxiety and negative self talk, and wanting to start fights, guilt him, etc. in an effort to get him not to leave. I rarely act on it, as I'm able to generally recognize those emotions and stop myself from acting on them. He works very hard, and is often very tired. We sit and watch TV together or I sit with him while he plays video games, but it never feels like we are actually spending time together. If the full attention isn't on me, I don't feel like there is any attention on me. I am trying to fix this, but I don't know how. It's not fair to him. He feels like because we are physically spending time together, we are actually spending time together, but I don't feel that way. We could have spent the whole week together but if we didn't have time of talking without distractions, a night of long and attentive sex, I don't feel like we spent any time together. I know I am being demanding of him and his time. I try to meet him halfway, but I often fall short. I am constantly wanting from him and he is constantly unable to meet those wants. I don't know what to do, how to fix this, how to fix me.

Hello kiyoko5,

I feel you. I also have episodes where I feel needy and non-direct attention feels like no-attention.
My suggestion is: be honest. Maybe you can find an agreement? My partner and I both know this feeling so it's mostly "easy" to say 'My loved, today I need an hour of us-time to feel safe'

For me, even an hour can make the difference. Or maybe a fix evening that belongs to you two where you just talk or play board games or such things. (Playing the video games together could be also a thing. Just watching someone else play would let a lot of people feel left out)

You are not demanding for such a request. It's unrealistic that no-TV-I-need-full-attention will be every day, but you are allowed to state your needs and try to find a compromise.

But just saying "I need you sometimes to do this" won't do it. Better a "On Friday I need an evening for us without TV, can you arrange that?". It's hard to make clear communications but it helps a lot.

And maybe sometimes, when he is too tired and cannot meet your needs, you can go out with friends? I don't know your situation there or if this is in any way something that would help you, but for me this is doing wonders. He has less pressure and I have attention.

Wish you luck

I think it's good you are recognising patterns in your behaviour and reading up on attachment issues, understanding your past and how it has impacted on you.

You don't say how long you have been in this current relationship but it's usual for a drop off in constant attention after a period of time (usually a few years) together, this can take some adjustment which it sounds like you may be going through now.

Do you have a 'date night'? It sounds corny but this works well for many people, setting aside a night where the two of you spend time together as a couple, making an effort for each other like you probably did when you first met. As reply above states, suggesting this would make communication clear to him, it would also give you something to look forward to every week.

I also think it's a good idea for you to plan your own things with other people through the week, this also will give you something interesting to talk about when you are together.

I think quiet time spent in each others company can actually be a very content secure stage in a relationship, it can indicate trust and comfort - perhaps this perspective might offset some of the worries you have.