Question about spending time with kids vs. significant other

Hey all, Got a bit of a dilemma that some outside advice may give clarity on so I figured I'd ask!

I got divorced approximately 1.5 years ago and I have a 9 year old and 15 year old child. I share both the kids 50% of the time with their mother. We have a very good working relationship for the sake of the kids. There is no animosity or hard feelings. The divorce went smooth and both of us have moved on into new relationships.

My issue is with the woman I am currently seeing. It just crossed the one year mark and recently, an issue has come up where she doesn't feel that we have enough alone time. We get a few nights a week and Friday night together. Other than that, I have my kids. She wants more than that. She wants me to have a couple weekends a month with no kids so we can spend some alone time together. I do agree with her on this but I also love having my kids when I can have them so I have not made any changes. We've gotten to a crossroad where it is her way or my way. I'm thinking of keeping it my way and letting her go but that is easier said than done. I love her and my kids adore her so it wouldnt be an easy split.

I don't want to ramble on for too much longer so I'll end it here. Just want to know how you guys and gals make time for your adult needs and wants when you have kids that also want to see you. I feel guilty leaving them with their mom on one of my nights so my gf and I can go to a movie or dinner.

Thanks in advance!!

Your kids adore her.

How does she feel about your kids?

If I understand right, you have the kids on all weekends? If so, why not each parent have them every other weekend? I would not put your SO's wants above being with your kids, but it would only be fair to both parents to have free weekends.

She loves my kids as well. She does a lot for them.

We split the weekend in half. She has the kids Friday night and all day Saturday. I pick them up Saturday after work till Sunday evening or Monday morning depending on work schedules. Maybe I should see about completely alternating weekends. I work Saturdays so it doesn't make a big difference to me but every other Saturday night with no kids could work. I just feel like I would miss them. They grow up so quick!!

If that's the established visitation schedule and it's been working out well, then I wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole. The kids deserve whatever sense of routine that they've been given. Plus teen years come on fast and furious, they'll ditch both parents in a heartbeat. You are on point about growing up fast, appreciate these years.

My custody agreement does have 2weeks vacation each. If she's looking for quality time, then a vacation week could be the right moment.

You do come with kids built in. Is there something about how she is feeling overall about the relationship with you? Is there a sense of distance? Preoccupation? Derived in this? Hence wanting more weekend time alone?

Well it sounds to me as though you have found a terrific woman.

If you break off this relationship, your kids will be losing out what sounds like a terrific, potentially lifetime relationship/stepparent.

Why don't you try every other Saturday night for (say) four months and then re-evaluate?

Since we have starting talking about this "issue" I have been getting depressed over the whole thing. I am starting to feel like it's a deal breaker and that's too bad. Her kids are grown up and out of the house so I understand her want to enjoy life without my kids around all the time. We have known each other for years and she knew what she was getting into but maybe it is just more that she thought it would be. It's just exhausting and it consumes a lot of my mind at times. Maybe I should be with someone that also has young kids and it will just be a big blended family. Who knows...

Your kids grow up too fast. This is coming from a child whose father deserted her because the other woman couldn't be bothered.
I don't think you truly appreciate how lucky you are to have an ex who will work with you on the kids. I wouldn't make any changes based on you current SO. Your kids and/or ex might resent it.
I think if worse came to worse, your current SO should give in and take the nights you all have. The kids won't even want to see you much in a couple of years.
Can you show your SO in some other way that she is very important too?

I try to show her how important she is as well. I send flowers to her work, take her out to dinner on our Friday night together, randomly buy little things for her because I'm always thinking about her. She just wants to have that Saturday night alone with me so we can wake up together Sunday morning with no kids. In my opinion that's overrated but maybe that's because I'm biased.

I personally think every other weekend with no kids would be great if that's possible. Or once a month?Or at least ever other Sunday?

honestly when I was looking for a date I wouldn't date anyone with young kids since mine was grown up

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Every other Saturday night sounds like reasonable compromise to me.

Right now you are speaking of permanently depriving your kids and yourself of someone with whom there is mutual love all around, from what you have said, for the sake of two Saturday nights per month.

I again suggest trying the compromise out and seeing how things go. You can always break up with her three or four months from now if necessary.

Well, the only issue Bill, is that I would need to ask my ex to keep the kids on my nights twice a month. I wish there were more days in the week. Everything would then be great! I don't want to end up resenting her because I feel like she is making me choose between her and my kids. I don't know. Lots of mixed up emotions.

There is nothing wrong with re-negotiating who has the kids when. But this could be just the beginning of your SO trying to ease the kids out as much as possible. Go with your instincts and don't delay if you think it's a sign of other demands to come from her.

Maybe plan for one? But where this sounds like a long term potential partner those Sunday childfree mornings will be there down the road.

Not sure how this might interfere with any schedule of your ex wife? Would she be open to claiming more responsibility to sooth your new SO?

I'm thinking the mom has kids Sunday nights through Friday nights every week? Is that correct?

I think every other Saturday night doesn't sound unreasonable. Frankly even married couple should have date nights with no kids ( if possible of course and within reason). I wouldn't dump a person over this. Now if she demands more than that then I'd be really suspicious.

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I agree that you would not want resentment. Maybe you could trade days with ex.

Maybe it won'the work out, but I favor exploring rather than giving up simply because things are otherwise really good between SO, kids, and you.

Well the ex wife's boyfriend has 3 kids every other weekend so asking her to have 5 kids in total on the weekend maybe asking a lot.

It's just a tough situation. My girlfriend an I talked about it some more today. She is pretty adamant about getting some more "kids free" time with me so I'm gonna have to make a decision. When I put my daughter to bed tonite, I had a hard time imaging not seeing her from Thursday till the following Tuesday. Having her Friday night is not gonna do much because I have to work Saturdays so switching nights with the ex isn't much of an option.

At this point, I'm starting to regret getting involved with someone that doesn't have young kids. Makes it really difficult. I didn't envision things going down this way.

Adamant is not a good word to be hearing or using with regard to an SO in this context.

How will your kids feel about being two of five? I gather that they do not typically experience being two of five right now.

I often say that after 3, a couple more to the mix truly doesn't feel much different. Do your kids and your ex wife's quasi-stepkids get along?

Did your SO not enjoy motherhood? What's with the "adamant" to have kid free Sundays?

If anything, thinking about food bills, one Sunday seems a fair compromise. Is your exwife going to be open minded to this discussion?

I'll be perfectly honest. My ex due to work schedule only gets to see the three sons on Sunday. If he came to me with this dilemma I'd wonder a great many things. So it is certainly touching a nerve, as when I was a teen my father made a choice to send me to live with my mother, shortly after he remarried and she became pregnant. The rift still 25/26 years later never repaired itself.

I think the kids would be perfectly fine but I'm not going to make any permanent changes to the visitation schedule. I am thinking once a month or so, I'll ask my ex if I can switch a Saturday with a Friday and then take Saturday off from work. That way I still get some good time with the kiddos and keep the SO content. If this idea doesn't work for my SO, then she's out. I'm so tired and drained from all of this that it is starting to cause some depression. I don't want to live like this this. My kids are young and are going to be around for a while. They aren't older and off to college in a year so I need to just keep my priorities straight and focus on what means the most to me. My kids are happy when they are with me and they miss me when they are not so I'd like to keep it that way. I don't want any resentment towards me based on relationship choices. Just because the kids are young doesn't mean they don't understand what's going on.

Good decision. Do a bit of compromise but if it isn't working for her then she might not be right for you. Kids will be grown and you can't get that time back. To all honesty you can have relationships when kids are a bit grown too if you decide to wait. Good luck. Your kids are lucky to have you for a dad!

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Thanks for the kind words!! I gave a feeling this is coming to an end. I made dinner for her and my son tonite at my house. Right after dinner she started asking me about this weekend and if we were going to have alone time. I told her that next weekend, I'm gonna be all hers but she told me that it wasn't what she wanted. She said that with the relationship on such a thin string, we should be together this weekend. I already worked it out with my ex to do some rearranging for the next two weekends. Oh well, to little to late I guess. She started up with some dating bs and I just shut down. I'm tired of it all and when she came over tonite I got that sick feeling in my gut when I heard her car pull in to my driveway. I've know her for almost 10 years and at times we were really good together. I'm surprised it is coming to an end like this. I do wish things could be different but I'm not gonna fight with her over my kids.

I know I have only told my side of the story but it's what I have. I am not perfect and I know I have my flaws but I do not want to be made to feel that my kids are an issue. They are good kids and always well behaved. They play great with her grandson and are very respectful.

I don't know at this point. I'm completely drained. Thanks for listening and the great advice and words of support. It's much appreciated.

It sounds like she is pushing too hard. I still find "adamant" quite distasteful when it comes to negotiating about time without children.

Ugh. Does she typically use emotional blackmail?

Emotional Blackmail ? Out of the FOG

Hang in there whatever you decide.

I am sorry you have to choose. I don't know what the right thing to do. But things either working out or they don't. I ended up not having serious relationships while my daughter was young, I only now am getting married second time around and my daughter is fully grown on her own, took me many years . It worked out well in the long run as we don't have to choose. We both have grown children.

My ex remarried few years after our divorce but it worked well too because his wife never made him choose. Our daughter is lucky to have good step mom.

So it could work both ways. The bottom line is kids are young only once. You'll never get this time back.

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