Question about spending time with kids vs. significant other

Thanks for the words of encouragement divine. I'm taking it one day at a time. We had a conversation this morning and things seem to be "okay" for the moment. I get it that she is frustrated with our lack of adult time together. Frankly, I am as well but I tend to just bury it and keep going with things status quo.

Hi Bill. In my opinion she has become adamant about it. I'm gonna give the link you provided a good read at lunch today. Thanks for the info!

I realize how difficult the feeling is when kids are verbally pinpointed at the heart of the matter. After much internal thought over it, they are really just a cover story for something deeply routed and not remotely close to what's troubling the non biological parent. In a I sort of relate type of way.

You might be right. I'll have to try to ask her in the sort of way that won't cause another argument.

I will be honest and say I read to the point where she is asking you to have them for less time with kids and that's when I jumped in. Your kids are a responsibility and for many including me, time with them in a divorced situation is a privilege and a blessing. NO two ways about it in my mind. GF, new wife (as I said in another post) or other Significant other is being completely unrealistic, unfair and selfish to ask you to sacrifice your children for them. For me, being a single father with two boys, any woman that wants time with me has to first accept my kids are priority and leisure solitude is a secondary thing. If they can't accept it, there's the door. Period.

Kids are a responsibility of a parent and they have no choice in the matter, they are not pawns in a game to be moved around a board. In the ideal situation the parents would not have the choice but have the kids 100% of the time - albeit in that same situation would both be there simultaneously but I only point this out to illustrate that our kids would normally not be something we could just toss away for a little romance time with a new gf (or other romantic interest)

Accept her way and I guarantee you that this does not stop. It will be enabling her manipulative and controlling behavior to escalate. Mind you I am NOT saying she is controlling but that she shows this tendency and you can either nip it in the bud, or enable her. Enabling her is what will potentially make her tempted to go further with this behavior. Make a stand in this relationship and it will either make her give up and it will strengthen the relationship in other ways or she will show you whether she is the right woman for you.

Hope this helps.

It definitely helps. I appreciate your opinion. I'm not going to change my beliefs in how much I should spend with my kids. There does need to be a time and a place where we can enjoy each other alone without the kids. I just don't want it to come at the expense of them. Don't get me wrong though, if the kids want to stay with mom because they are going to the camp or movies, I have no problem letting them do that. I let the kids do what they want when it comes to where they stay. My son loves being at my house because he is getting older where as my daughter loves to be with her mom because she is a little girl and that's what they like that age. I figure with these type of "guidelines", time for my girlfriend an I will pop up from time to time. I'm not going to force anything.

Well I know your dilemma. I understand like I said. and I agree, not to sacrifice them for time with romantic interest. Thing is for me, I am still without a gf or anything and I don't know, perhaps it's the best thing for now. I know a gf would take time, money and energy to be with and I just feel at the moment it's not really worth it when my boys need me first and have no choice in the matter what I do. If I were still together with the ex you can bet I would have no choice in the matter there either. I put myself in the place as being father first over anything else because it is what I chose when we decided to have kids at the time we did. Unlike a marriage (not the ideal marriage but what it si today) where you can actually get out of the commitment at some point... kids are a blood tied contract that is my responsibility no matter what.

OMG. I'm so frustrated. I made plans to have my kids this weekend and not next weekend. Not good enough. I am just at a loss. Need to sever this poison and I hate to say that because I don't want to. When things are good, they are REALLY good. No drama, no jealousy...just goodness. Unfortunately this issue just keeps coming up and it gets worse every time. We talk about things and it always goes nowhere. I feel like tonight I am at my breaking point. Oh and one more thing, conversation on the phone or in person are usually civil but a bit strained. When she starts texting my about it, the gloves come off and I hear it all. I hate texting!!!!!

Tell her that you are no longer going to conduct conversations of that nature via text.

Leads to too much misunderstanding and it's just not as bonding as phone or face to face.

In your relationship with her, what would be a deal breaker for you?

Arguing in texts is a bad idea! Too much misunderstanding. I am so sorry. I am almost feel that it's not really about the kids. Something is just not satisfying for her. She probably feels she can't ever be a priority. I am not saying it's right or wrong on either part, but that's how she probably feels.

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Thanks for being here guys and gals. It means a lot.

Bill, I think the deal breaker is her making me choose between her and my kids. It's just too much for me. I told her I wanted too see her next weekend for the whole weekend and she says that it's been 6 months of this so it doesn't really matter at this point. I think she wants to break up but doesn't want to do it herself. She's hoping I'll be the bad guy she can tell her friends and family that's how it went down. Just a gut feeling.

She is unhappy but maybe has no guts to leave or doesn't want to hurt you. Tough one. Sit down and have a serious conversation where it's going. No need to drag it if you both suffering

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If she were asking for lots and lots of time without your kids, I'd be thinking it were a deal breaker. But a few weekends a month kid-free is understandable. Compromise. Find out if you can drop the kids one weekend a month with your ex-wife and see if that makes her happy.

Did she explain why it doesn't matter?

Trying to second guess in relationships doesn't get anyone anywhere.

You both deserve to have a heartfelt, face to face discussion about where this is headed.

My bf has two young kids and I would NEVER ask him to ditch them and give me more time. They even have their own room at my house. A child's relationship with their parent is far more important than what I "feel". And my dad also ditched our family for a gf. I never forgave him for that either and I have PTSD but that's a whole nother mess lol. I would be happy to be done with this woman if I were you. Sorry.

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This a sad situation. You are making some reasonable moves to try to please her, but it sounds like it isn't enough for her. You sound like a great dad. It shows some big red flags where she's concerned that she's so adamant about all this. I can't see how this relationship is going to be successful moving forward. She should be dating someone without minor children if this is how she feels.