[Lucyloobear]

Hi there! I'd really like some advice if anyone could help.

I'm a 19 year old student studying at university, I turn 20 in a few months time.

My relationship with my mum hasn't ever been great. I've already accepted and got over most of the past in which she has been overbearing, controlling, hot-headed but I love my mum more than anyone. She raised me and my brother on her own from when I was nine years old and my love for her is unquestionable no matter what.

Moving to university was a breath of fresh air. I could get away from the negativity at home and visit my mum and my younger brother when I like, which is reasonably often because I'm aware they're quite alone. Since moving out my relationship with my mum has stayed more or less the same. I've always conformed what I do and my choices just to ensure she's happy and doesn't get mad at me and I have always done this because for me, there's nothing worse than making her upset. But now I have actually become aware that this is what I've been doing, I've steadily started doing it a little less just as I decided that sometimes it's not worth the hassle or upset I put myself through in order to keep her happy. It's easier to do so as I'm out the house and ignoring or responding to a text in a way that I would never do in person is easy.

My mum comes from an Asian background. She is not religious at all, and doesn't tend to be that into all the cultural stuff, except for some things in particular. One of them being that education is paramount amongst anything else, which is something I agree with. I am very dedicated to my university degree and I aim to have a masters and a P.H.D too.

Now my problem is that I have a boyfriend. I have been with him officially for just under six months, but we have been best friends and with each other emotionally for over a year and I love him and he loves me too. I have met his lovely family numerous times, visited their home back in Wales, I've even been on a holiday with them - and my mum is totally unaware of everything.
She believes that education comes first and therefore a boyfriend would distract me. She's said 'you're not allowed a boyfriend till you're 30 and settled down with a career' numerous times - I'm still unsure as to how literal to take the number.

For me, I know he will not distract me from my career. And neither will I distract him (he's also at university). We are with each-other 24/7, whether that's at home or in the library studying. I consider his friends like my other little family, as I'm hence with them 24/7. I'm happy here. We enjoy talking about our future together and I plan on being with him for the rest of my life.

I don't know how to tell my mum about him. I'm so scared. I'm scared that she will turn me away and never speak to me again. Im scared she'll do something crazy like not allow me to go back to university or make me choose between them both. I'm scared that I'll only hurt her further when she's already hurting (I'm aware that she's depressed herself) and if I hurt her further I don't know how I would cope. Leaving my boyfriend is not an option - I love him and hurting him would hurt me just as equally. I would be miserable without our relationship - he's the only person who truly knows me and understands me. Who really really makes me happy. The only person I can honestly open up to and I tell him absolutely everything, as does he to me. My mum doesn't know me, I've always put up a front or a mask, behaving and being how she wants me to be. I don't really have any girl friends who I consider 'best' or 'close' friends.

I know I want to wait until after my exams to tell her, but is there a right time? Or a better time? Or a way to do it? Am I correct in thinking that if she doesn't accept it, then that's her choice to push me away and I haven't done anything wrong? The thought of losing her is eating me away. But she's stubborn and fiery and has never ever accepted someone else's opinion or point of view, whether that's me or a friend. She loves me more than anything but she's so stubborn I'm scared she won't be able to push past it. Or that she will take it as some form of betrayal from me? I don't know. All I know is my boyfriend wants me to tell her sooner rather than later. A) we have both said she has to find out anyway at some point as we wish to be together in the future. B) it's easier than sneaking around. C) he said to him and his parents it would look like I'm not taking our relationship seriously.

Am I right in thinking I should tell her and that if she doesn't accept it that I just leave her and carry on until she does accept it?

[Talthybius]

You only have one life and you don't live it for your parents.

No idea what the best way to deal with your mother is. It's crazy to say you can't have a BF till 30. Honestly, most girls are past their prime at 30. The best possible BF you can get at 30 will be of lower quality than the best possible BF you can get at age 25.
And let's not ignore your fertility and the effect it has on the health of the child. As a female, you are on a clock, more so than a male.
It may sound harsh for me to just outright state this, but I feel this is good advice.

Not sure if I can say your mother isn't as crazy as you describe her. I would be inclined to say your fear is an exaggeration, but I can't be sure.

I feel like I should recommend you to confront her, stand up to her, and tell her your life is none of her business. But not sure if that's actually a good idea, her being an Asian 'Tiger Mom' like you say.


Saying you can't complete a PhD and have a BF is crazy. Fact is, you need distractions. Both to not get stressed, and to stay a balanced person.
Not to mention, your personal life is as important as your professional life. Sure, being financially independent as a female is very very important, so you have the power to walk away from bad relationships. But is that really at stake here?

I feel like you should tell your mom that during your next visit, you will take your BF with her, whether she likes it or not.
Or maybe that you have BF and that you want to bring him with you, and ask her if she is open to that or not.
Don't argue with her. Just tell her it's your life, not hers. She should know that you know better what makes you happy than she does. I mean, does she really believe you have to act to make her happy? Give her some time to accept that you are now an adult and that her ideas are wrong.
It's just her delusion, it seems, that she thinks she knows better what is good for you than you do.

If she really loves you, she will accept that you have the right to live a normal life and they you don't have to sacrifice your adult life for her sake.

And if you really are more afraid of losing your mum than losing your BF, that may eventually happen. The immatureness of your relationship with your mom will start to creep into your relationship with your BF.

[divine1966]

Well it's unreasonable to wait to get a BF till 30 but it's ok not to get married young. I disagree that women are past their prime and can't get nice BF at 30. That's strange. Of course you can meet nice men at 30. Saying that if you have a BF now then it doesn't mean you can't be successful. I would not lie to mom much longer as eventually she'll find out. She'll have to come to terms with it eventually. She has no other options but accept it

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[RomanSunburn]

I can't tell you whether or not to tell your mom, or how to tell your mom, or what will happen if you do. I have a friend who is no longer on speaking terms with her mother because her mother wanted to control her life and she wouldn't put up with it. Her parents weren't even at her wedding. And she's not Asian; this is an issue that can affect anyone.

The only concern I have is that if your boyfriend understands you so much, he shouldn't be pushing you to do something that you're uncomfortable with. And quite honestly, if he's as close to you as he says, if he sees not telling your mom as not taking your relationship seriously, I would question whether or not he takes it seriously.

I can tell you that, yes, if your mother doesn't accept it and pushes you way, that yes, it is her choice, and you have done nothing wrong. You're allowed to live your own life.

I wouldn't recommend actively lying to your mom. But other than that, I don't really have any advice. You have to do what feels right for you.

I do think you should tell your mother sooner rather than later. It's what is fair to your BF, as well as to your mother, and it is the right and mature thing to do especially if you would like this relationship to be long term. I understand that you love your mother in spite of the fact that it kind of sounds like she makes you miserable, but I'm here to tell you (from a lot of experience), there is a point in your life at which you have to make a choice of whether you want to keep modifying your life for someone who hurts you (even though she is your mother), or set some boundaries. I had to do that with my aunt who was like a mother to me. Unfortunately, after years of setting boundaries with her which she ignored (her way of managing conflict was to either ignore it or yell louder than you), I finally told her enough was enough and we don't have a relationship anymore.

Also depression isn't an excuse to heap negativity onto others indefinitely; I certainly didn't get away with doing that in my relationships for very long!

Just one more thing, I would suggest cultivating some stronger relationships with your female friends. Or at least, friends who are not mutual friends of you and your BF. It's good and healthy to have people outside of the relationship to lean on.

Originally Posted by RomanSunburn

Next, not all the single men over the age of 30 are "lower quality" than their 25 year old counterparts. I would assume that they're more mature, know what they want in life, and less likely to jerk you around as they try to figure it out.

I mean, I'm pretty into a guy who is almost 45. I've known him since he was about 34 (which, I realize, is still over 30 but whatever, bear with me) and he is definitely more rounded out now, his edges more defined but smoother than they were back then. Still a good man at 34, but not a candidate for a relationship. I'd take him over anyone my age or younger, any day.

Okay, sorry, totally off-topic. Carry on.

[Lucyloobear]

Thank you everyone for your advice. Obviously I would prefer for everything to go well with my mum, but if she chooses not to accept it then that's her choice and I need to put myself and my life and what I want to do first, for once. Thank you everyone

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Lucyloobear

Thank you everyone for your advice. Obviously I would prefer for everything to go well with my mum, but if she chooses not to accept it then that's her choice and I need to put myself and my life and what I want to do first, for once. Thank you everyone

Maybe you can broach the subject in a hypothetical way or in a way that asks her to explain her inflexibility on dating now that you are an adult.

I don't think you will lose your mom over this. And, if you do, then she has some work to do on herself, don't you think?

As a daughter, I had to gradually separate from my mom, despite the fear I had (they were/are controlling people). Sometimes it was bad, sometimes it wasn't. My kids separated from me. I try to make it okay for them...(I hope I do, anyway)

I guess my point is that there is no "right" way to be a daughter or a mom because there are no rules and no predictable outcome.

It's scary, but when the time comes to tell her, know that her reaction is probably going to be less than thrilled. But, AND THIS IS THE IMPORTANT BIT: Part of becoming an adult is knowing that YOUR wants are perfectly valid.

Hugs to you...You can do it.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Maybe you can broach the subject in a hypothetical way or in a way that asks her to explain her inflexibility on dating now that you are an adult.

Good idea

[Talthybius]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Well it's unreasonable to wait to get a BF till 30 but it's ok not to get married young. I disagree that women are past their prime and can't get nice BF at 30. That's strange. Of course you can meet nice men at 30.

I didn't say that.
In fact, I believe that to be false.

The guy who analyzed the data from OkCupid wrote a book called Dataclysm. Their dataset is much much bigger than that of any scientific study ever done and lacks the bias that most scientific studies have (the subject group usually contain a disproportionate amount of students, resulting in the WIERD bias).

Some of the data is presented here:
Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me A Spreadsheet | FiveThirtyEight

It turns out, women find males that are very close to their age the most attractive. That means that what a woman is physically attracted to changes as she ages.

For males, it looks very different. Males of all ages agree; woman are most attractive at age 20 to 21.

Now obviously a 50 year old male doesn't want a 20 year old GF. That's not what this about. It is about the age where the female physical attractiveness peaks, as judged by males. Considering this dataset is like 10 to 50 million, it is extremely reliable.

I think knowing where you peak in physical attractiveness is pretty important for females to know when they want to optimize their dating/mating strategy.
I mean, I think we can all agree that if you have a higher mating value yourself, it is also more likely to get a partner with a high mating value.

As for my personal opinion, I won't give it as it is not important. If you are interested in it, give me a PM.