[Reizo]

Hello everyone,
I'm going through severe stress, panic and depression right now. However, my story does not fit truly into any of the categories here, but I guess "Relationships" sums it up best. I have high hopes in this forum, as I think I mostly need some guidance. Whoever takes their time to read all this and provide input - I will be so grateful for that!

What follows is the story of my life, a 20-something guy at a breaking point in his life.

Childhood (0 - 15)
My parents had a dysfunctional marriage. They divorced when I was 10 and that dragged on a few years. This left a toll on both me, my sibling and my mother.
Most of the time after that, we both lived with my mother and abandoned contact with our father. My mother, although she's a good person, become a 'broken' person. Personal and financial burdens took a toll on her, and she is hard to be around. She has very pessimistic views on life, but never complains. I however was always described as 'stable', and I took pride in overcoming such a hard fate gracefully.

Adolescence (15 - 22)
After I started living on my own I gradually reduced the interaction with my family as a necessary consequence of the distance.
My life finally took a turn for the better, I wasn't bullied (as in school) anymore, and by starting in university I could finally live a life that I enjoyed. However, I soon got depressed over the lack of a romantic relationship. It was fine for the first few years, but by the time I was 22 I was completely depressed about it. I lacked the self-confidence to approach women, and was at a point where I completely gave up on it. Somehow, at age 23 I ended up with a girl in bed - but I had to live with the insight that I had ED. Back then I had no clue what that was, but soon concluded that my sexual preferences were preventing me from having normal sex (since my early childhood, I have had fantasies of being submissive towards women, which rarely involved vanilla sex at all).

Near-Adulthood (23 - 26)
After my realization of not being able to function sexually, I began a period of self-improvement and finally pushed through with my studies. I think it was at this point that I decided to be a 'career person' and made gradiose plans for the future. I guess this made me more attractive and I had a first relationship at age 24 which lasted for over two years. During that relationship however, we were not able to have sex. Also, I knew from the onset that my girlfriend of that time was not 'right for me'.
Everything changed, when at age 26 I left her for someone I truly fell in love with. This girl had everything I ever wanted, was smart, good-looking, and had the same hobbies as me. From the day we got together we basically didn't spend a single day apart.
We moved in together - and instead of a great career I just stuck in a university job so we could be close to each other. With this girl, I was actually able to have sex, and everything seemed perfect for nearly 3 years.

Now (approaching 30)
By now, I know what co-dependence is, as that is exactly what happened to me. I used the relationship as a crutch to get over my insecurities and low self-esteem. I identified solely with the relationship, and all my social interactions were reduced to her circle of friends. I was just a +1 in her life - and I believe I was fine with that because of my sexual preferences. On the inside, she was everything to me, but on the outside I somehow did not show that at all.
Despite being 'happy' however, I kept complaining day after day. I was unhappy with not having moved away from the same old place, unhappy with my job, and unhappy with the people I had to see every day.

Fast forward to one week ago. She dumps me! My world has fallen apart and I can't make sense of the chips that remain.
When she told me how broken our relationship was, I was in shock and had a hard time believing it. But the more I think about it, the more I must admit that this is true. She doesn't want to be the only pillar of my happiness, and says she will be much better off without me. Worse, she tells me that our sex sucked, and she's off with another guy, who also is a common friend - all so cliché, and yet I fail to see any humor in it.
Now that this bubble of an illusion of happiness has bursted, I am back at square one. I feel tremendous regret that I have let the life I could have had slip by. The new guy will take my place, and live the live I could have lived. The few friends I have are all approaching their 30ies, and they are all single. But at least they have a career, having worked in decent jobs for the past 5 years.
As the clouds of relationship happiness are lifting, I have to face the ugly truth below: I am unhappy with my life, I screwed up my career, and I may not be able to ever get such a blissful partner again.

I have already come to the conclusion that now is the time to DO something, take matters into my own hands.
However, I'm still overcome by feelings of regret and panic attacks every few minutes. This has been going on for over a week now, and it does not seem to decline.

I am so sorry.

She only left a week ago. I admire your attitude tremendously, it shows a lot of strength. But please give yourself some time to get over the heartbreak. It will take time and, maybe, a little help. Perhaps you think she was a crutch, but she was really just weighing you down.

And you are only 30. I can understand, being 30, you feel as if the big stuff should have happened. But trust me (and everyone else here who is over 30) the big stuff is still to come. You can go back to school (especially if you are working at a university and can get a break on tuition). You can make plans for yourself that don't include another person. You are free do ANYTHING now....

[Skeezyks]

Hello Reizo: Welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! May you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. With regard to your post. I'll simply second what Sophiesmom wrote. I wish you great success with your renewed efforts. Beyond that, I'll just suggest that, after a while, if you find you simply can't get past this break-up by yourself, seek out the services of a qualified therapist who can help you to deal with your feelings. And, don't wait too long. These sorts of emotions can become a rut from which you may find it difficult to escape. Good luck!

[Sojourn]

Hey there Reizo,

Welcome to the community and thanks for sharing. I want to say I appreciate your openness and the way you organized your thoughts. I feel that is a good expression of your intelligence and sincerity. I think you show a lot of healthy self-introspection. It's certainly a good thing when you can look at your own situation and not become too critical about your life events, but strive for a real understanding. I sensed that in your post.

Regarding your situation, I am sorry to hear that you are suffering from stress and depression right now. This is not surprising with the many challenges you have faced throughout your life, especially in light of recent events. I agree with sophiesmom that it's a good idea to take the time you need to grieve over your recent breakup. Along with that, try to keep in mind that the past is the past and cannot be changed. Thus, don't expend too much worry about a path you didn't take or a relationship that didn't work out. What you have is right now and the future. That's what you can affect.

I really like the essence of Dan McAdam's theories about self-narratives. You see, our lives are our stories. We have the ability to influence how those stories turn out. That doesn't mean we will always get everything we wish for. Rather, it refers more to the idea that most people can make their own decisions and choose how to react to challenges. Of course, I'm not saying any of this is easy. Still, I would suggest that you take some time and get to know more about yourself and determine which direction you would like your story to go. Make yourself the best self that you can be and then you'll have something even more wonderful to bring to your next relationship. Be honest with yourself about your strengths and weaknesses. While we all have room for improvement, be sure to give yourself all the credit you are due for the gifts that you have. Regarding our self-narratives, I like the words of J. M. Barrie when he said: "The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with that he vowed to make it." Our stories are made up of both good and difficult experiences so just do the best you can make your story about triumphs and persistence.

[Reizo]

Hey. Thanks so much for the replies. I don't have many people to talk to, and simply knowing that there is somebody out there who listens to my story already helps me a lot.

I am still not much better. Three days ago, my girlfriend (ought to say 'ex' I suppose) was at home. We had to sign the termination of our apartment and I tried my best to keep it 'professional'. But she bursted into tears and said that she "doesn't want that", referring to the contract. She said that she missed me and she still hasn't decided. Now, two days later, I am quite certain she has. It was somewhat comforting to know that she, too, goes through the emotional process of detachment. It burdens me very much that she left me in this limbo of uncertainty, telling me that it's most likely over, but she's still thinking it over. It's a cruel thing to do, but I know she doesn't do it to torture me.
Since then I've spent every day trying to get myself back to the state of acceptance; trying to see that it really *is* over. It feels like my process of recovery was reset, and is now stuck until something happens. If only I could focus my thoughts on anything else.. or get any work done. It's agonizing.

[Reizo]

(where do quick replies go?)

[Reizo]

Hey. Thanks you so much for your replies. I don't have many people to talk to, and knowing that somewhere somebody listens to my story already helps a lot.

I am not much better. Three days ago, my girlfriend (ought to say 'ex', I guess) was at home. We had to sign the termination for our rent contract. Unexpectedly, she started crying and told me that she "doesn't want that", referring to the termination. She said that she missed me, and she still hasn't decided. By now, I know that she just went through the same emotional process of detachment I am going through - which is at least some comfort, compared to her being 'just fine'. Still, as she left me in this limbo of uncertainly ("it's most likely over, but I still have to think it over"), it feels like my process of grief and healing got not only reset, but is on halt. I told her that this is a cruel thing to do, but I know she doesn't do it to torture me - it's probably hard for her as well.

Since then I tried to convince myself every day that it really *is* over, but my emotions won't let me do that. "It would be just too good to have a second chance".. I can't purge that thought! It seems I'm stuck until something happens. What makes it worse is that I'm blocked mentally, and can't get anything done.. it's agonazing.

[arbbarb]

So so sorry Reizo. I am happy, though, that you are sharing your experiences and thoughts-- many of us find that helpful. You are being very introspective which is enviable and quite mature for someone who is going through a sudden breakup. I agree with the other responders, and you must keep in mind that now you have all of the opportunity in the world for growth and true happiness once you have allowed yourself to grieve in your way.

I am similar in age, similarly codependent (I am the +1), suffer similar sexual issues, and I have similar confusion about my future. My partner like you claims that I am his world but chooses to express dissatisfaction with work, life, etc rather than how much he cares about me. I am sorry that your girlfriend did not communicate this concern to allow you the opportunity to change. However, I am not sure if it's worse to be given the opportunity to change and instead remain in the codependent comfort zone than not be offered that chance at all. It seems like maybe she is considering the second chance for a changed relationship from what you wrote in your reply. I would like to ask about the communication between you two, because if it was not great before then the second chance will likely land you both in unhappiness again unless you can communicate well and work together to create the change that both of you deserve and desire. Communication is very foreign to me, but it is something that I long for and that I am trying to work on.

Take care Reizo! Thank you for your thoughtful writing. I hope that you are healing.

[Reizo]

Hi arbbarb,
Thanks for the support.

What actually makes it worse - and this probably isn't a detail which I should have omitted - is that she actually DID give me a chance, multiple times. She sat me down, told me that my way of complaining can't go on, and that I need to change something. I listened to her, and for a couple of days I vowed to make it all better; but soon I was back to normal.
I think it needed a drastic cut like this to wake up, no more comfort to hide back into.

She actually never told me that I was "her world" - it's always been the other way around, exclusively. To make matters worse, she had kind of an "emotional affair" with another guy as well. There was never anything physical between the two, but they were flirting. When she broke up I asked her if she had feelings for him and she claimed "maybe a little".
The thought that she is now with him, probably happy, is just so unbearable.

[Reizo]

I think it's somewhat getting out of control now: The last couple of days I had ongoing panic attacks in nearly any waking moment.
Before my girlfriend/ex actually spured (false?) hope, I was coping much better. Since then, this indecisiveness is destroying me. I'm trapped in thought patterns about "could-have's" and "might-be's" that I have actually managed to cast off in the first week.
If she truly values me, why would she do this to me?

I have promised - to myself and to her - to maintain *no contact*. Every day I battle very hard to keep that up.
Will it help me if I just approach her and ask her to take a more decisive stand to end the relationship? Every part of my being opposes that idea, latching on the hope that everything may work out and I'm destroying this last chance.

I'm also trying to get professional help, as my problems pertain to much more than just an ending relationship. I just hope the process can be sped up; waiting lists are endless.

[Reizo]

Hello.
Even if nobody will answer me at this point, I still want to post an update on my situation.
Since my last post I have been doing gradually better. I have begun to cope with the situation and almost started to move on. It's not that my feelings of fear, anxiety and sadness weren't there anymore - but I have accepted them and began to deal with them.

On Friday, my ex has sent me a message that she'd return. As I was very certain about the situation, I have replied with a factual message, stating merely a few organizational issues we had to take care of.
Her reply then sparked everything: She wrote how she missed me, and that the wanted to talk to me. I refused this offer and made up my mind not to show up. But the false hope slowly creeped back in again. I felt helpless, and eagerly awaited her. We started hugging and talking about how badly we both wanted to talk to each other. We reconciled, and made plans to get back together. It all sounded so wonderful. After all this was said, she admitted that she had something going on with her new guy. The nice vibe was gone, and I moved away for a couple of hours to think it over. Long story short: I accepted her cheating on me, and we were officially 'back together'. She said, however, that she was not yet ready for sex. A telltale warning sign I should have seen earlier.

During the night, and in the morning, I got first feelings of doubt. I realized that she didn't even cut off the relationship to her affair - and that her behaviour still suggested that she had no feelings for me anymore. I wanted, SO BADLY, to just get out of there! I packed my stuff and drove off before she woke up.. She saw me leave, but didn't try to stop me. Yet, I was too weak to push through. I returned. And we spent the day as if everything was wonderful. Somehow, we had one last day of relationship. Rationally, I am convinced that this was fake; the illusion of feelings that have long passed (on her side).
Whenever I tried to dig deeper to find out if she truly made up her mind.. she evaded. She did not once tell me for certain that I'm the one she wants to be with. Then again, she's been showing me so many acts of kindness and caring during this time. Can she seriously believe that this would ease my suffering, when in truth that makes is just a hundred times worse?

I have suggested to move out of our shared apartment so that she can make up her mind, and she gladly accepted that. The very last thing she told me was that she 'probably' won't change her mind to be with me.

What the hell can I do? She wants to leave me in a state where she knows I will not cut her off. I however, lack the power to do so. Even if I tried to enforce the breakup, by now she knows that she can just come back to me and I would take it all back. The fact that I am 'submissive' doesn't make it any easier for me to win her back.

She is probably aware how much she is hurting me. But I try to hide my pain as best as I can, to not be seen as weak or needy and ruin any chance of getting back together.
Only now do I realize, that after this second week, we are exactly where we were at week one. I am scared as hell that she doesn't keep her promise: Instead of being alone and taking the time to think everything over, she will just run to her new lover and keep me as backup - as she has done the week before. Why is she doing this to me?
I have loved her every day since we got together, even after our breakup. But very slowly, it feels like this love is turning into hate.. which is something I have very rarely felt in my life. I despise myself for these feelings. **** all of this.

I think you have answered lots of your own questions.

You are rather submissive to her. She wants control and you are giving it to her. If that's what you want, then that's just fine.

I believe that what has happened will happen a few more times. And I really don't know if you have the strength to stay away.

Don't forget that people who enjoy control cannot stand to feel rejected, so if you appear to be strong, she will work that much harder to get you back. Once back with her, she will treat you badly.

I hope I don't come off as being harsh. And I hope you do what is good for you and not what feels the best.

[Reizo]

Hi everyone,
I feel like giving you an update, just to get this off my chest.

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Don't forget that people who enjoy control cannot stand to feel rejected, so if you appear to be strong, she will work that much harder to get you back. Once back with her, she will treat you badly.

This is so spot on.
Our "relationship" has fluctuated back and forth between these stages.
Once I reach a state of accepting our break-up and distance myself, she senses a feeling of loss and wants to get back together. When we are back together, she becomes less drawn to me and regrets her decision to "take me back".

In this last iteration my submissiveness actually took this one-sided attraction to a whole new level: For a few days, we have lived in a state where she admitted to not having any feelings for me anymore, but I submitted to her nonetheless. She started abusing this urge of mine (made me clean up and drive her around, but rejected me sexually), and I got a kick out of it.
For a bit I was truly scared that I was being abused and lacked the willpower to end the situtation by myself. Fortunately, she did.

We have now agreed to fully commit to the break-up, cease all contact, and don't see each other again. However, we have also both vowed to not "start anything new". I was actually the one who suggested this: We would both start to live by ourselves, but truthfully let the other know once we have moved on to somebody else (which is mostly relevant for her, as she has a new love interest lined up). In a nutshell, I promised her that I'd wait for her. Obviously, she was very content with this solution.

Now I wonder if this was the right thing to do. Again, she left me in a state where she had me "secured" as a backup solution. Can I actually get over this break-up when in the back of my mind I still hope that we'd get back together?

On the other hand, if I told her something along the lines of me moving on and eventually looking for a new partner, I would just spark another iteration of the whole cycle. I don't want to lie and break my promise either, though!

It has been 5 weeks now, and nothing is getting easier. I think this break-up wears on me much heavier than on other people.
I'm moderately depressive and have been clinging to the relationship as my last resort of self-esteem ("I may don't have the career I had planned, but at least I'm in a happy relationship").

Can you give me any advice on how I can actually detach myself from her?