[Yismymindblank12]

So I'm caught up with the girl that I fwb. It's stupid because yes we get along great at times and other times not so much. I want to be comfortable again in some ones arms.

I miss that with her and I'm frustrated I am poorly adjusting having to receive no affection for along time and suddenly have it feel like it's gone. Then suddenly you're the bad one and its over before you get a chance to a response.
Now at times I feel pushed under the bus by her when I'm around out friendship feels stained and it's confusing whether to even bother trying to be her friend.

I'm very cruel and shut out at times and i may not ever have a satisfying relationship ever in my life, but who cares. I felt safe and you destroyed it first thing and told me life sucks deal with it.

I feel unjustified and angry and yes this happens ik. It is just ****ed up because who i am i dont deserve 1st place only an option and a useful tool.
Nothing more and you know I'm really sick of caring about it.

Like what's to look forward too relationships are devastatingly dangerous. They ruin people financially and emotionally. It just makes it all feel illegitimate and so she's right by saying, "the right person will come along when you're not looking so it's easier to let them in, but it's all wrong."

I acknowledged where I'm at I'm changing it, but I've truly lost myself. I hate love. I am sad on the inside by disappointment but even though it's meant to make me stronger the prize at the end of feeling satisfied around anyone feels very bitter.

That's why I only want temporary relationships and getting high. It's my escape for now.

[divine1966]

Fwb rarely last as there is no deep connection. Sex can only hold it together for short time. I don't know if you should be getting high. I wouldn't advice that.

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[Yismymindblank12]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Fwb rarely last as there is no deep connection. Sex can only hold it together for short time. I don't know if you should be getting high. I wouldn't advice that.

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I've questioned myself to stop smoking period, because I just want more than this I have at the moment. I deserve more than this, but unable to find or receive it.

So it's been never easy or rarely easy. It's rather been difficult for me to enjoy sex anymore other than a short term release.

I've been smoking for a long time, but I really envision myself what I want to see.

A new family a place where I have created something out of nothing, that the right person comes along from my actions of doing something someone who is on a journey too and helps me create more for each of us, but I only see it in my head, but can't speak it out most of the time.

It moves by so fast, so fast I will realize many minutes later I was in love with that feeling. Then later realize how daunting and far away a goal like that is. So I work on now baby steps. I really feel getting high is making me too lazy to care about it all or others.

[Yismymindblank12]

I need something more, but never know exactly what like when I see some things people can do about their situations I know if I have this I'll be more successful, but my way of thinking is so flawed and skewed by a lack of connection.

I want to feel I'm not abandoned I feel stationary, like regardless of change around me I feel stationary. It's very hard to be self secure about almost anything when you can't tell if you're happy about it or sad about it.

Like if someone told me how beautiful or perfect I am, I smile and say thank you take it as a kind gesture, but when someone is telling me more. I try to listen more carefully, because I logically know this is how I should do it, but when they tell me their feelings. I zone out and it goes through and out my ears as soon as it came in.

It is damn crippling to appreciate anyone. I'm always never knowing who I think is beautiful. I realized I shouldn't have to compare, because I try to compare each unique quirks people have. So much so, it's rather frustrating to stick being around certain people and they feel like I abandoned them. I definitely see why, but can't feel the importance of it.

I'm just describing my personal experience firsthand of how all relationships happen with me