[em.lyz]

My boyfriend (30) and I (26) have been together for almost 3 years. I love him so much! I’ve never been in relationship like this. I thought of us as a great couple. We were always honest with each other. I knew I can tell him everything and I thought he feels the same.

From the beginning of our relationship, I knew that he has high sex drive, I knew what he likes,

Possible trigger:

which is mostly **** and oral sex.

Also, he told me that he likes to watch shemale porn from time to time. I was very surprised but I did not feel like this is something to worry about or that he is a gay or bisexual. Actually, I was very open-minded and I tried to understand it.

Possible trigger:

I knew he always liked and enjoyed **** and oral sex and I just thought that watching shemales is some kind of fetish for him.

I knew that he was saving photos and videos on his computer but it never bothered me (he watched different kinds of porn too). Anyway, we were very happy, our sex life was amazing until he got another job.

He is a sales representative so he travels a lot but every now and then he stays in the office to catch up with the paperwork. After couple of months, I found out that he was calling and texting his female co-workers. He was flirting with them, asking things like if they need help taking a shower or if they’ll cook for him and come to his house as it would be nice to “get a personal delivery”. There was some other stuff too but I don’t want to get back to it. This happen when I was away for a week. When I found out about it, I confronted him straight away. He tried to explain himself. He said he wanted them to like him because he was a new guy at that office. He also said that other guys from sales told him that if the girls from the office will like him, they will do his paperwork for him. I found those excuses really stupid as I believe there is a line between being friendly and being flirty. This situation made me feel a little bit jealous and insecure. The next month or two were just horrible. I felt like we were drifting apart. He was staying at the hotels more often as he had many trainings and conferences at different parts of the country. I knew he was going out to eat and have few drinks with his co-workers every time he stayed at the hotel. And I was going crazy jealous. I hated myself for that. Then, I realised that I couldn’t do this anymore. I either trust him or not. So I decided that these phone calls and texts were just stupid and there is nothing to worry about as he never cheated on me and I knew he would never do it in the future.

I talked to him. I told him everything, how I felt etc. He said his behaviour was stupid and he won’t do things like this again. After we talked this through, we felt much better. It was like we entered another honeymoon phase. Everything was great and I just loved how much time we spent together. Until recently…

I came across this email saying that “sissy something-something” is following him on one of the social media (I had no idea that he had that account). I checked it as I was very curious. It turned out that he was following few accounts with transsexuals posting videos and their naked pictures. But that’s not it. He talked to them, he sent them private messages saying how sexy they look and what he would do to them. This was when we had this “bad time” in our relationship. Anyway, I confronted him about it. He said he was missing sex with me so he pleasured himself while chatting with them and that he was later disgusted by his behaviour and he stopped.

I am devastated. I always knew that he liked it, I knew that this stuff turns him on but I thought it was just a fantasy. But he took it to another level. I do not know what to do. I feel really bad with myself. I did some research but there is not much about it. Only some forum posts from confused girlfriends and heterosexual guys confessing that they like this stuff too. And I must say, most of the girls were not okay with their boyfriends watching this kind of porn. And I was so understanding with my boyfriend. I knew it was just a fantasy, something that will never happen but now… I do not know what to think anymore. He says he’s sorry. He says it was stupid and that he doesn’t know why he did it. But it is not just about him sending this kind of messages to shamales (or like they want to be called sissies). It is about him wanting other people than me and taking his fantasies to another level. It’s no longer something that he only thinks about. He actually connected with other people. I am hurt and devastated. I have no one to talk to because I don’t want to embarrass him to my or our friends (he never told anyone about his fetish). For this reason, I decided to register here and talk to someone. I’m sorry, I know this post is very long but I’m hoping that someone will read it and reply. Thanks!

hi,

welcome to the forum

hope this site helps you

[KarenSue]

em.lyz, I am so sorry you find yourself in this difficult situation. It is so confusing and I bet your mind is taking you to all kinds of places. Wondering and suspecting all the time must be miserable.

We love someone because of most things, but in spite of some, so I understand how you still love him. Yet, you are no longer sure who "he" is. He says he feels guilty and he should.

You need to find out the truth. I fear that he likely has cheated on you when he is away on business when I put that with his inappropriate texts to co-workers and internet activity. He will likely continue to deny everything, maybe even to himself. Hope you find out the truth soon so you can make an informed decision. Maybe he should seek professional help, as he may possibly be a sex addict. Yes, that exists, and it is treatable.

I'm wishing you strength dear.

P.S. You are doing the right thing not speaking of this to those who know him. You have a true heart.

[Anrea]

IMO, attraction comes from the spirit/soul and can't be talk away through the brain.

[Skeezyks]

Hello em.lyz: The Skeezyks welcomes you to Psych Central! May you benefit from the time you spend here.

[healingme4me]

[RomanSunburn]

I have to say... His reasoning for talking to his coworkers like that is, personally, unacceptable on many levels. Now, I don't know if they reciprocated it or were okay with it, but he was basically sexually harassing his coworkers to, supposedly, get them to do work for him. That, alone, tells me what kind of person he is, and, again, personally, that is not someone I would even think about dating. That just speaks to his character.

Also, my husband frequently travels for work, but I've never felt like I needed to worry or be jealous while he's traveling. Trust your gut. You don't feel like you can trust him, and he's given you plenty of reasons not to.

Again, just my personal opinion, but I think it would be better for you in the long run to leave him.

Please take care of yourself.

[Artchic528]

He sounds like bad news. You can't trust him and quite frankly, what is a relationship without trust? I would consider ending it based on that fact alone.

[em.lyz]

Hi KarenSue,

Thank you for your comment and kind words. I know he did not cheat on me. It's hard to explain and maybe for other people I'm just stupid and naive, but I am sure he never cheated on me. And I always knew what he likes but I always thought he has a high sex drive and this is normal. But now I'm thinking that it might be possible that he is a sex addict.

He felt depressed lately. He said it'work related as he's overwhelmed and unable to cope with everything. He said there is still a lot he has to know and learn and that he feels his not very productive. I think he sexualises stress and other things too. Does this make any sense? Not sure.

Thank you for replying to my post!

[divine1966]

Good people don't sexually harass their co workers in hopes they do their work for them. It doesn't even matter the rest of the stuff. He is sleazy with no moral character. Why do you continue seeing him???

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[em.lyz]

Hello Skeezyks,

Thank you

[em.lyz]

Hello Shattered Sanity,

Thank you I hope it will.

[em.lyz]

Hello healingme4me

[em.lyz]

Hello RomanSunburn,

Thanks for your comment.

I also told him that this looked like sexual harassment to me. I even asked him what will he do if they report him? But he said that I'm just over-thinking this and this was just a joke and that he tried to be nice to them so they can help him out. I told him that there are many different ways he could be polite and friendly and he just chose the worst one possible.

Apparently, the girls liked his "jokes" and found him really funny. Also, one of them has no morals and is well known for that so she could even think that this might go somewhere... I don't know. It seemed like I was the only one person in this equation that thought this was inappropriate.

I was jealous for about 2 months (after finding out about those messages). I was very miserable...
But then I realised that's not normal or healthy and I have to make a decision if I want to be with him or not. And because I love him so much I decided to stay and therefore, I had to trust him again. I told him about it. He said he is really happy about my decision and he will do everything to make me happy. And really... everything was great. Until now... when I found out about other messages. Although, I know he sent them when our relationship was in a bad place...

I don't know. I don't know what to think anymore.

[RomanSunburn]

The issue of sexual harassment just really gets to me. Him trying to down play your concerns about sexual harassment as a joke just makes me angry. Even if the girls didn't mind him saying it, he shouldn't have said it. That's the simple truth.

I can understand loving someone when all the signs say you shouldn't. It feels like you're trying to excuse or justify his behavior by using the excuse that the relationship was in a bad place. But, think about it this way... When you felt like the relationship was in a bad place, what did you do? You decided to overcome your worries and trust him again. When the relationship was in a bad place, what did he do? Start messaging other people. The two of you had completely different reactions. You put the relationship first; he put himself first.

I really feel that the two of you are just not on the same page, not when it comes to your relationship or your values.