[SoScorpio]

Am I expecting too much? It's just to me, that's what true friendship means...someone you can tell everything to. My boyfriend is the closest thing to a best friend I've had in years. But of course we have arguments and stuff that I'd like to be able to talk to someone else about. Someone who knows me, not people on a forum, though sometimes that's the only option I have. And seems to be for some other people too.
Am I crazy for expecting the same amount of trust and respect that I give to a friend? It's not like I expect them to have no life away from me, but I want to hear about it. I want someone I can share everything with, I'm a very open person, and when I realize they're not being as open as me, I always feel betrayed.

Recently I've started wondering if that's why I have no friends. The thing is, if it is, I don't see what I can possibly do about it. I can't stop myself feeling used. A friend I don't tell everything to is a "work friend" or an acquaintance. I want a real friend, and it feels like all or nothing to me.
How can I change the definition of "friend" that I've had for as long as I can remember? If I have to change the definition to even have a friend, then what's the point? It will always feel one-sided to me.
Am I doomed to never have a real friend again? Should I just accept that there's no one in the world who will care enough to reciprocate the complete honesty and fierce loyalty that I am willing to give?

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[TishaBuv]

Yes, I think you are expecting something more from a friendship than they usually are.

In my experiences with friends, they have been people I enjoy having experiences with, enjoy talking to, laughing with. I have confided in my best friends about my most personal problems, but never too deeply, and I did not dwell on them and seem too needy. Nobody wants to hear all your issues. Friends are not your therapists.

Also in my experiences with friends, I have later found out that they cheated with my boyfriends behind my back and they gossiped about me. My best friends were back stabbers.

And they have also taken the things I confided in them about and used it against me. Like if I admitted that I got drunk, they'd use the next opportunity to call me an alcoholic.

So, I'd advise you to keep friends in check. Friends are friends and your therapist or on here is for spilling your stuff- where you won't be hurt by anyone you know.

Actually I have a really nice friend now who gave me an Alex & Ani charm bracelet for my birthday. I am so touched by that. My first genuine, nice gf.

[healingme4me]

If starting new friendships, expecting complete honesty from the beginning seems a tough expectation. Even down the road, it's rather tough to expect to know everything, although seeking authenticity and a genuine person is indeed something to look for as that sounds like what you need.

As far as your bf? I'm not certain that I follow. Men can be rather focused on whatever it is that strikes their fancy in the moment. If they are gamers, that's the focus. Sports, the focus. So, bringing them back to mundane tasks, how was work? How was breakfast? Might take them a while. But be careful what you wish for in wanting them to talk, they might not stop if it's their passion, then they might sense a disconnect, lack of interest or even better the "yes'um" ego rub which causes them to close back down.

Not sure if that's the type of honesty that you are seeking answers about?

[Lost_in_the_woods]

From a friendship probably yes you are expecting to much, but if I'm understanding right you are talking about your boyfriend? Correct? If you 2 are committed then I say no you are only asking for the kind of openness and honesty that you are willing to give. That is fair. Doesn't mean he is able to express himself in a perfect mirrored image of your way of communicating, but u should at least feel like in his own language he is giving you as much and you should feel a sense of truth openness and security.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

DAMMIT HEALING FoR ME!! You did it again! Lmao!!

[SoScorpio]

Oh, no I don't mean my boyfriend, sorry if that was unclear, I think our relationship is pretty good, and I love that we're like best friends, but I also don't want to put too much on him. And obviously if I'm mad at him but not ready for a constructive discussion, I'd like to have a trusted friend to vent to. And I'm fine with being vented to, I take it as a sign that someone trusts and respects me. I just want a good girl friend I can talk to and not have to filter myself too much.
I'm not looking for a therapist in a friend, I don't expect them to solve my problems or guide me, I just need someone to talk to, who likes talking to me and knows I'll be there for them too. If I need a kick in the butt they will give it. That sort of friend.

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[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Lost_in_the_woods

DAMMIT HEALING FoR ME!! You did it again! Lmao!!

Thanks. Concise is the writing style that was paramount to my own education in college, er um, now since graduating, university.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by SoScorpio

Oh, no I don't mean my boyfriend, sorry if that was unclear, I think our relationship is pretty good, and I love that we're like best friends, but I also don't want to put too much on him. And obviously if I'm mad at him but not ready for a constructive discussion, I'd like to have a trusted friend to vent to. And I'm fine with being vented to, I take it as a sign that someone trusts and respects me. I just want a good girl friend I can talk to and not have to filter myself too much.
I'm not looking for a therapist in a friend, I don't expect them to solve my problems or guide me, I just need someone to talk to, who likes talking to me and knows I'll be there for them too. If I need a kick in the butt they will give it. That sort of friend.

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Good girlfriends take time. Or sometimes you need to make the moments happen. They come with memories of life's experiences.

Here works, on PC, yet, don't sell yourself short in real life. My latest two closest confidantes, we are all very busy and one of us at any time is free to set the date and place, no excuses to bow out ..whether it be coffee or lunch or even a drink before returning to the busyness of life. It's important. I have another friend, although not in that circle, that plans vacations. It's ok by me that I'm not in that circle, couldn't commit if I wanted to type of friend.

[SoScorpio]

I know it takes time, but it seems like everyone already has their circle. Everyone seems to have such an easier time making friends. The only person who seemed interested in years moved far across town, and she has kids. I can't afford to drive out there all the time and she's usually busy.
I had a friend like what I want once. From 4th grade until senior year of high school. Then she abandoned me when I asked how she could trust her boyfriend after he cheated on her with his ex. And not just cheated, the ex was a friend of ours and she told me he cried and said he wanted to break up with my best friend and go back with her, the ex, as soon as they all graduated. It's a long story, but believe me, I kept my mouth shut for a long time, until she told me he had said it was okay for her to fool around with other girls. With his track record, I said that seemed like a good excuse for him to cheat and not feel bad. We didn't talk for months after that, and our friendship was never the same.

I only spoke up because I cared. I would want my friend to tell me if I was blind to the fact that my boyfriend was scum. But I feel like something inside me broke then, and I've never been whole since.

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