[Guiltyandhurting]

I have been with my fiancé for almost 7 years. We recently got engaged and I've been living in a state of anxiety and fear ever since that's wreaking havoc on my life. The worst part is I don't know why. My fiancé Corey is wonderful, the kind of guy that will take his shirt off his back for anyone. He's respectful of me, helps out around the house, is really affectionate, is supportive of my goals, he's handsome, he's funny, he will come apologize during an argument when he's wrong, we have great communication and I can trust him with my life.
The problem is I have been terrified of marrying him since the day he put the ring on my finger. Instead of happy tears, I was crying tears of fear when he proposed.
Some back story... We started dating when we were 18. We went to high school together but had mostly different circles so we wouldn't hang out together. My boyfriend at the time was friendly with him, however, and I was friendly with his girlfriend at the time. Several months after our respective breakups, however, we started talking. At the time, I thought of him as the guy who would say or do anything to get in a girls pants, so I decided to play along with his games and let him think he was playing me while really I was playing him. Well obviously that didn't work out and we both fell in love with each other and I ended up moving in with him by the end of my first semester of college.
We broke up twice during our relationship. Once because I was struggling with depression and not taking care of myself and taking all of my emotions out on him, about two years in. The second time was a year later because I was texting a guy who had given me his number and tried to hide it from him. Both times we found our way back to each other within a month.
During both times I was a distraught mess. I could barely function, didn't eat, didn't sleep. During the second time, our roommate Scott who we had been living with for most of our relationship together, met up with me to see how I was doing. I had always seen him as attractive, but never more than a brother. Well, after drinking at the restaurant I was trashed from barely eating for a few weeks. I asked if he would wait with me in my car while I sobered up. After talking for a while, I don't remember how or why but he kissed me. I kissed him back because he felt familiar and somewhat like corey who I missed more than anything. Essentially I wanted him to be Corey. We decided I couldn't drive home that night so I went back to his house (our lease had ended shortly before the breakup and we all decided to part ways - my boyfriend wanted to buy a house). We slept in the same bed together but nothing happened, it just felt good to be cuddled and held again. The next morning we woke up bright and early he drove me to my car and I went back to bed at my house alone. We didn't talk about it other than it was a mistake and shouldn't have happened.
Shortly after my boyfriend and I got back together but I never told him what happened. About a week later Scott texted me he loved me. I got aggravated and ignored it and never texted him back. A year later he got a girlfriend and settled down and that was the end of that - or so I thought.
Almost three years later Corey found out about what happened through someone I thought was my best friend. He had bought the engagement ring that same week. Needless to say we almost broke up again, but this time we didn't. We made it through and a year after he proposed and that leads me to now. Now I find myself suddenly interested in Scott. I wonder if maybe we were put together for a reason. I wonder If he's the person for me (he does understand me and my inner workings on a truly profound level). I wonder if he's happy with his girlfriend and if he still loves me.
I also wonder if I'm with Corey because he's the safe one. Because he has a house and steady job and he's respectful and I needed stability so badly especially after having to call the police on my dad for physically abusing me a month before I left for college. I wonder if I truly have a connection with him or I just craved his affection.
And then I wonder if maybe that's enough for a marriage. Maybe the fact that I'm not sexually passionate towards him anymore is normal and would happen with any relationship after many years. Maybe the things that are really important are shared values and mutual respect, and true passionate love is a myth
I'm terrified of all these questions and more, of my sudden attraction to Scott, both physically and mentally, and of losing something amazing because I can't just appreciate what I have. Please, anybody, help me

I can't help you decide what to do definitively. I can say, from an outside perspective, that if a friend of mine had this many questions and this much anxiety going into a marriage, I would suggest she speak to her fiancé about it. He may be upset, but it would be better than putting both of you into a marriage where you feel as though you may be settling, feel obligated, or just plain have anything but certainty going into it. I think a lot of people feel nervous before they get married, but I don't think it's for reasons such as the ones you bring up.

I don't know about you and Scott being meant for each other, but I think he is something new and different, I think maybe he brings something to the table that Corey may not, and that is something to pay attention to. What needs to you have in a relationship? Are those needs being met? If not, can you live with what is not being met for the rest of your life?

I have found that falling in with a man who is there during some really traumatic times can feel like a very strong connection indeed, but the question then becomes is it the right connection you need in order to build a home and a life? I don't know; I didn't marry my guy.

Good luck, keep us updated.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Guiltyandhurting

I have been with my fiancé for almost 7 years. We recently got engaged and I've been living in a state of anxiety and fear ever since that's wreaking havoc on my life. The worst part is I don't know why. My fiancé Corey is wonderful, the kind of guy that will take his shirt off his back for anyone. He's respectful of me, helps out around the house, is really affectionate, is supportive of my goals, he's handsome, he's funny, he will come apologize during an argument when he's wrong, we have great communication and I can trust him with my life.
The problem is I have been terrified of marrying him since the day he put the ring on my finger. Instead of happy tears, I was crying tears of fear when he proposed.
Some back story... We started dating when we were 18. We went to high school together but had mostly different circles so we wouldn't hang out together. My boyfriend at the time was friendly with him, however, and I was friendly with his girlfriend at the time. Several months after our respective breakups, however, we started talking. At the time, I thought of him as the guy who would say or do anything to get in a girls pants, so I decided to play along with his games and let him think he was playing me while really I was playing him. Well obviously that didn't work out and we both fell in love with each other and I ended up moving in with him by the end of my first semester of college.
We broke up twice during our relationship. Once because I was struggling with depression and not taking care of myself and taking all of my emotions out on him, about two years in. The second time was a year later because I was texting a guy who had given me his number and tried to hide it from him. Both times we found our way back to each other within a month.
During both times I was a distraught mess. I could barely function, didn't eat, didn't sleep. During the second time, our roommate Scott who we had been living with for most of our relationship together, met up with me to see how I was doing. I had always seen him as attractive, but never more than a brother. Well, after drinking at the restaurant I was trashed from barely eating for a few weeks. I asked if he would wait with me in my car while I sobered up. After talking for a while, I don't remember how or why but he kissed me. I kissed him back because he felt familiar and somewhat like corey who I missed more than anything. Essentially I wanted him to be Corey. We decided I couldn't drive home that night so I went back to his house (our lease had ended shortly before the breakup and we all decided to part ways - my boyfriend wanted to buy a house). We slept in the same bed together but nothing happened, it just felt good to be cuddled and held again. The next morning we woke up bright and early he drove me to my car and I went back to bed at my house alone. We didn't talk about it other than it was a mistake and shouldn't have happened.
Shortly after my boyfriend and I got back together but I never told him what happened. About a week later Scott texted me he loved me. I got aggravated and ignored it and never texted him back. A year later he got a girlfriend and settled down and that was the end of that - or so I thought.
Almost three years later Corey found out about what happened through someone I thought was my best friend. He had bought the engagement ring that same week. Needless to say we almost broke up again, but this time we didn't. We made it through and a year after he proposed and that leads me to now. Now I find myself suddenly interested in Scott. I wonder if maybe we were put together for a reason. I wonder If he's the person for me (he does understand me and my inner workings on a truly profound level). I wonder if he's happy with his girlfriend and if he still loves me.
I also wonder if I'm with Corey because he's the safe one. Because he has a house and steady job and he's respectful and I needed stability so badly especially after having to call the police on my dad for physically abusing me a month before I left for college. I wonder if I truly have a connection with him or I just craved his affection.
And then I wonder if maybe that's enough for a marriage. Maybe the fact that I'm not sexually passionate towards him anymore is normal and would happen with any relationship after many years. Maybe the things that are really important are shared values and mutual respect, and true passionate love is a myth
I'm terrified of all these questions and more, of my sudden attraction to Scott, both physically and mentally, and of losing something amazing because I can't just appreciate what I have. Please, anybody, help me

I'll be quite honest. Having anxiety about getting married is something normal but... the concerns you have are not necessarily in my mind, in the realm of normalcy when it comes to nervousness about marriage.

Now I find myself suddenly interested in Scott.

This alone says to me, to be honest that if it were me, I'd know without a doubt I was not ready to commit to a marriage yet. The rest of your questions about scott really makes me wonder if you love your fiancé or if you just "need" to be in a relationship.

Add to this, that you pointed out that your sexual relationship has already faded with him and you're not as into it, that speaks volumes to the state of the relationship.

Ask yourself honestly why you're with Corey.

to me, it sounds like you need to do a lot more soul searching and contemplating the situation.

Please do not go into a marriage until you've reconciled your curiosity of the other guy. It's not fair to Corey to marry him when you're still thinking bout another guy.

[divine1966]

I wouldn't marry under the circumstances

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[TooManyDays]

I'll be blunt. Don't get married. Wait until you understand what you want better. You are very much at risk of talking yourself into getting married and regretting it a few years from now. Your ambivalence is meaningful. Listen to it. By delaying marriage you run the risk of losing your fiancé, but that seems like an appropriate risk in this situation.

Maybe you're polyamorous. I recommend reading about that relationship orientation. People here seem to be against the concept of polyamory, but I'll tell you it's a completely legitimate thing and some people finally find their way to happiness by accepting it.

[Finniky]

I would not marry someone if I had such distinct doubts that you listed here.

However it is normal to lose some sexual passion. You do the same things the same way so many times and it becomes rather routine and much less exciting, and part of passion is the excitement, along with other things. It's important to try new things and do different stuff.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by TooManyDays

I'll be blunt. Don't get married. Wait until you understand what you want better. You are very much at risk of talking yourself into getting married and regretting it a few years from now. Your ambivalence is meaningful. Listen to it. By delaying marriage you run the risk of losing your fiancé, but that seems like an appropriate risk in this situation.

Maybe you're polyamorous. I recommend reading about that relationship orientation. People here seem to be against the concept of polyamory, but I'll tell you it's a completely legitimate thing and some people finally find their way to happiness by accepting it.

Agreed the polyamorous thing is indeed legitimate but not necessarily common though I know there are a number of people practicing it. I wouldn't be a party to it but to each their own.

I really doubt that's the issue going on here, she seems more indecisive than anything about who she wants doesn't really want "both" consciously.

[Guiltyandhurting]

I know that if I do break it off I will eventually find someone else and fall in love. But I also believe that eventually several years later this same issue will come up. What if we had married a year or so ago when I was still "in love" with him? Isn't that the whole point? That marriage is work and don't give up just because it isn't all rainbows and butterflies? I think that my feelings for Scott might be more of a symptom than a cause of what's wrong, yet I can't get him off my mind. Is give anything to be able to fall back in love with my fiancé.
And sex for me has always been a way to seduce and prove my attractiveness and power to myself (even though I've only had a sexual relationship with two guys). I've always been called a tease and a flirt because I like to know I can make a guy want me but I never follow through. I think that's why I'm not interested in sex with my fiancé anymore because I know without a doubt he wants me. I don't think that could be fixed by leaving the relationship for another.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Guiltyandhurting

I know that if I do break it off I will eventually find someone else and fall in love. But I also believe that eventually several years later this same issue will come up. What if we had married a year or so ago when I was still "in love" with him? Isn't that the whole point? That marriage is work and don't give up just because it isn't all rainbows and butterflies? I think that my feelings for Scott might be more of a symptom than a cause of what's wrong, yet I can't get him off my mind. Is give anything to be able to fall back in love with my fiancé.
And sex for me has always been a way to seduce and prove my attractiveness and power to myself (even though I've only had a sexual relationship with two guys). I've always been called a tease and a flirt because I like to know I can make a guy want me but I never follow through. I think that's why I'm not interested in sex with my fiancé anymore because I know without a doubt he wants me. I don't think that could be fixed by leaving the relationship for another.

while on one hand I will say yes, marriage takes work and feelings ebb and flow, on the other hand, dealing with having to "fall back in love" with someone even before the knot is tied is still a red flag. In marriage yes it happens but in the ideal situation if it does, it's not for some years into the marriage after the couple has settled in and things get more mundane. It still should not be something that you're dealing with so early on.

If it's happening this soon.. it's not good.

[TooManyDays]

They've been together for 7 years, which is plenty of time for all of the new relationship energy to have evaporated. Some people need mystery and variety. If you're not okay with never having that again in your life, then don't get married. I'm warning you as a person who has gone through this firsthand. You will feel endless guilt over not being able to feel fulfilled; moreover, if you discuss it with others you be shamed and criticized for your questioning and disloyalty. You will find yourself in an impossible position. You will be blamed for leaving and not sticking it out, or you will be called cruel for remaining with someone you don't love. Until you're able to precisely predict the future you cannot honestly promise to love someone for the rest of your life.

Sex, passion, desire, and excitement always fade. It's completely normal. Some people can easily make that trade to spend their lives with a partner who gives them comfort and friendship for life. But for some people, that trade is not a good deal. Society urges a particular path, but you need to do some soul-searching and be brutally honest with yourself before you make a decision.

[Guiltyandhurting]

Does anyone think it's possible to fall back in love with someone? I have everything I want except for the feelings of overwhelming love. I truly think if I give this up I'll regret it. We have a dog and a house we built together and the same friends and our families love each other. If I could just change the way I think everything would be perfect.

[Bill3]

Have you considered speaking to an individual therapist?