Need help coping with unrequited love reaction

Hello everyone,

I've been struggling with the immediate effects of an unrequited love situation and although I am in therapy and also have found helpful material online, I think there is a twist in my case that I am having trouble with.

The basic situation is that I am in a group online that occasionally meets in person as well. Along the way many people in the group become Facebook friends because that is how the group is run. I briefly met a woman there who's in her late 20s and I am in my mid-40s. At first it was just a casual thing where we saw each other at the events. But recently she posted a picture of herself in a really pretty dress. I posted a complimentary message. Later that night, she private messaged me on Facebook. I was so pleasantly surprised to hear from her (and to be honest, lonely) that I responded and we began chatting a lot on an almost daily basis after that.

I can go into some of the generally relevant stuff in the messaging if necessary, but the upshot is - although she messaged me first and although early on it seemed she felt a mutual attraction with me (and she did at one point say she was attracted to me), she changed her mind and since then has said she is not interested in me that way.

I fully admit I did not like that rejection, but when I alluded to it, she said I was throwing it back in her face, and from that point although we chatted more for a few weeks, I found it increasingly difficult to be just friendly with her while suppressing my feelings. Finally, in the past week or so, her chatting became more perfunctory and she either didn't initiate messaging on that day or answered in very bland, short answers. Towards the end she was kind of mean in her responses, no dount prompted by the whiny ways in which I was reminding her that she had rejected me.

Finally I messaged her saying I could not continue this way, and (impulsively I admit since I had had a few beers) I told her I'd leave her alone and unfriended her on Facebook. She then appears to have blocked me, so now there is no way for us to communicate online.

Anyway, that basic situation I mentioned above is that because of this group, our common interest, and Facebook, all of the wires are crossed for me here and I can turn to any of the activities I like without being reminded of her. Also we are still part of the same group so although I plan on avoiding her at the meetings or being polite if we do cross paths, I feel extremely worried and physically uneasy about this whole thing. Especially because I think she mischaracterized an important part of what happened. From her point of view, it was my fault that I want to be more than just friends and can't talk like a friend with her. But from my point of view, even taking into account the three times I was whiny, she seemed to be dictating the terms of the friendship. Whenever she wanted to be provocative she did so, but if I responded she was say I was reading into things and that she talks about sex etc. with everybody. And towards then end she clearly seemed not too willing to initiate chatting so I did not see what kind of friendship she was thinking I was ruining by either expressing my feelings if I stayed in communication with her or admitting I could not suppress those feelings and saying I needed to stop messaging with her.

But now that I have lost that connection, all the stuff I do is laden with my feelings of regret that I didn't "take her offer" and just stay Facebook friends and keep it causal.

With all of this stuff mixed up into one big mess, does anyone have any suggestions for how I can salvage something out of this? I can explain more of whatever is needed but I have gone on long enough for now. Thanks for any help.

I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. I once had a unrequited love situation (however I was used for sex and then ignored) and it tormented me for months.

There's really not much to salvage though. You may have been friends, but romantic feelings got in the way and, you were right, that cannot continue. If you see her, be polite or if you must, just try to avoid interaction. Being rejected hurts but it happens to everyone sometimes and you do eventually move on. Relationships with that kind of age gap are considerably more difficult and many eventually end. I am in my mid 20's. I know girls my age that have dated men in their 40's but it has always ended at some point. :/ My blessings go out to you~~

Thank you for your kind comments. She did unblock me for the most part (except for private messaging at this point), so I am taking your advice - just be polite, don't veer back into asking for anything more personal than that. At this point I can at least see the potential for repairing the basic friendship of being in the same group while I work out what is going on with me - I seem to have a pattern (possibly rescue fantasies) of latching onto women who spark that in me when they give me attention that I interpret as allowing for intimate sharing.

Thanks again.

I'm really sorry this happened to you. What kind of events do you both attend, and how often?

I've actually been in somewhat of a similar situation. I know it's difficult, but just ignore it and let it blow over, because it will. She chose to initiate contact after you simply complimented a FB photo. True, when she expressed that she wasn't interested, it should have dropped. But the bigger deal you make of it whether online or at events, the longer it will play out. I suggest not contacting her at all online and limiting contact with her at events to cordial communication.

PS If you do end up being friends again, remember that the unfriending and blocking stuff on FB isn't a form of communication; it's akin to slamming a door or punching a wall on the way out of a house.

Thank you for your reply. She did unblock me after I unfriended her, and after some communication via a related site, we both reconnected online. I had not used FB that much and have never really been big on it, only through this sports fan group (to sort of answer your question) have I increased my FB involvement. It was just this kind of complication that I had wanted to avoid, but as they say, best laid plans. I do plan on limiting the online communication and being polite but keeping my distant when the in-person events happen.

For example, I didn't know what you pointed out: "PS If you do end up being friends again, remember that the unfriending and blocking stuff on FB isn't a form of communication; it's akin to slamming a door or punching a wall on the way out of a house." So I can see why she was quick to block me after I unfriended her. It still looks like she has me blocked on FB Messenger, which I guess is for the best.

I have talked about this with my therapist and it does seem like I end up in these unrequited love situations because it somehow allows me to pour my affections into someone who allows me to indulge in my emotional oversharing as I have heard it called. The fact that she was flirtatious at first also made it easier for me to think this was going to lead to some deeper relationship. And the fact that her concept of just friends includes sex jokes and talking about who she's dating and wants to sleep with and/or has slept with made me reciprocate and share my corresponding information along those lines. So it was pretty embarrassing to find out later that I was readng the whole situation wrong, and that she had no (or had quickly lost) romantic or erotic interest in me.

As of now, I am just stifling the emotional stuff until I can find a proper way to express it to someone else. It's sad to know that she and I will probably never talk that way again, but I also know it was feeling really awful to get more and more dependent on whether or not she would message me back or saying some little thing I thought was encouraging. She has been approached by other guys in the group and will probably be approached going forward, so I want to avoid knowing about that as much as possible and give short, noncommittal comments if she mentions it (as she did today).

I'll see how it goes. I also know part of this little dance we're doing is also about my envy of other men, who I see as getting more female attention than I do and as being more successful than I am. The only way I can work through that is by focusing on what I can do to contribute to the world and to improve myself, not by trying to entwine myself with women where we are not good matches for each other. I understand that intellectually but need to make it part of my actual core beliefs.

Thanks again.

Just wanted to say that is a great insight you have on your own patterns and behaviour.

I hope in time you will come to see this painful experience as another positive step towards a healthy relationship.

Good job being insightful and able to recognize what's going on. Good comment on understanding on intellectual level and having to make it a core belief, that's the hardest thing to do isn't?
Also great that you are working with therapist!

PS overall flirting or making sexual type of comments or jokes very often ( in fact in my experience always ) doesn't indicate any kind of deep interest in anyone. People flirt for no particular reason. I am not a flirt but many men and women are so unfortunately I see that this kind of flirting confuses others. "Oh she talked about sex" "oh he sent winks" "oh he/she flirted so that means they really like me" etc etc no it's not. in my experience if people are truly into you, they'd get to know you on a deep level first, flirt second.

Try to get busy with your life and not worry about getting messages from her.

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I agree with this, unfortunately some people enjoy teasing also and that can be misread. Those people often have poor/unclear boundaries and can confuse others with seemingly mixed messages.

I actually think you may well have 'dodged a bullet' there LostInTheWilderness.

I have similar experiences in my own life. I have been in love twice in my life, am 32 now. After the first time, I had a solitary life for like 8 years, almost complete isolation.

So when I move out in the world again, work with amazing people on a daily basis, much higher quality people than I ever interacted before, and I felt nothing and I found myself isolating myself again, there was one girl I liked. It was deeply troubling to me, again, as I couldn't figure out 'why', felt like I wasn't ready, feared the emotional damage it might do, and it didn't help she showed no romantic interest, I didn't see a path to it, and she is 12 years younger.

It was painful and it made me realize how unbalanced of a person I still am.

But then suddenly, she started to interact with me strongly, which I interpreted as flirting. It probably was flirting, but I have no idea what her idea behind it was. In fact, I believe she doesn't know either. The unsolvable nature of these puzzles trouble me deeply and make me feel there is no way to learn from mistakes.
Still, I felt like I could become a normal healthy person and I felt more masculine, but just for a little bit. I asked her out and she rejected me, stating "I have a boyfriend." and "I am not interested.". I think I scared her. I think she thought she had a fun careless interaction going on, and I made it have consequences.

I am an excentric person with odd mannerism. I am not shy, but clearly introvert and passive. I need a life partner that's extremely social and pushes me to do things.
I would never recommend her to start a relationship with a man like me. In my mind, she can do so much better.

Being friends or being colleges with her, I feel like the more mature person that likes to project himself as strong and carefree, which I am not, I feel like I for 100% cannot make an issue out of her rejection of me or my weakness in not being able to be 'just friends'.
I think she still likes to talk to me, but she may see me as someone who can only talk about science. Wether she knows how much I am into her, I can't tell. It seems she doesn't even care about knowing, which is strange.

How other people get into romantic relationships, I have no idea. More and more I am starting to believe this idea that both need to get drunk together for it to happen, as silly and childish as that always sounded to me.

For you, I think you showed a lot of weakness by blocking her or by making a big deal out of her rejection. You should have projected that it didn't bother you too much.
It should be in her brain now that she cannot be careless again with her feminene energy around you.

I guess I am glad that I can talk to her as if nothing happened, though her flirting is probably over for good as well. It seems, this is not the case with you. It has to do with the strength of both people and how strong they judge the other to be, I feel.

As for getting over her. Only one thing works. Never see her. At least, that's the only thing that works for me. You probably have much more life experience with this than I have. So you may have to decide about being hurt by unrequited love and be part of that social group, or not be part and hope it passes asap.

How do normal people do it? People know each other, then suddenly two people are close, in love, in a relationship. Then suddenly, it is over and they can just move on. Does every relationship really require one person really looking for someone that will love them back, eventhough they'd rather be with someone else, someone better? And that's how people actually get together?

Or is it just the few rare people that always fall in love with someone who has zero romantic interest in them. Wouldn't it not be much easier if falling in love is always mutual?

The thing is that people often confused infatuation etc with love. Unless you really know someone you can't really say you love them. Every relationship develops differently but what many people describe isn't really love as they barely know the person

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Call it infatuation if you like. For me it is many orders of magnitude stronger than any love I have felt.

To me that is love. A healthy and rich relationship, that's more rational.

Well I went through a series of 'crushes' in my younger days and can vouch for the power of them. Part of that reason I think is chemical/hormones - it's almost addictive, but that first rush only lasts a while, at the beginning.

Mature love is different, not as dramatic but powerful in a different way. It's like a really strong friendship in my experience.

Mature love is no more and no less chemical/hormones.

I understand that a parent losing a child is much more severe than a failed crush. But a deep bond between two people that have known each other for a long time, be it a romantic bond or not, that isn't something you are forced to think about every moment your mind wavers off.

Mature love is a choice, and a commitment. What people tend to think of as love, that initial feeling of can't-get-enough and totally being into the other person is a combination of dopamine, oxytocin, I think serotonin and probably other neurotransmitters...no less important in the establishment of mature love (they're important for bonding), but really, that "feeling" is more infatuation, and it fades.

Yup. That's why it is important to have good friendship and deep connection and things in common ( besides excitement) because that will remain. Butterflies in your stomach will not remain forever, but real love can. Real love isn't just hormonal but based on many other factors that build over time.

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I agree that it being fleeting means it is less important, in a way.

I also agree that infatuation is not a good indication of how possible it is to have long-term bonding.

Unrequited love is agonising. You have my greatest sympathy. I've experienced it for the last 2.5 years and it's literally brought me to my knees with pain...
...and helped me transform my life.

I agree with other posters who have talked here about brain chemistry. I've read a lot about seratonin, dopamine and cortisol and it's helped enormously.

But great revelations and change occured after I began to read books about co-dependency, committment phobias and issues, and began to see that yearning for an unavailable partner might be a sign of my own issues with intimacy and committment (Steve Carter & Julia Sokol: Getting to Committment was an awesome and transformative read for me, as well as Melody Beattie's Co-dependent No More).

I worked so hard on myself, to be self-compassionate, self-championing, self-protective, deal with my childhood abandonment issues, pay attention to my brain chemistry, and get into mindfullness - I began to change. I began to focus on myself rather than him. I dealt with the pain and felt able to breathe and live, after 2.5 obsessive, agonising years. It's still wobbly. Challenging - every day. I think of myself as 'in recovery' rather than 'recovered' - and the story gets far more complex (that's why I've just joined this forum), but what I want to say is that it IS possible to recover. Not easy, and not fast, but possible. And you can use it as a way to transform your mental health and your quality of life.

Good luck! It's so good that we're not alone...