Confused...

Ouch . Honestly if he is up front about having feelings about this girl it's kind of nice he is honest but you might want to stir away. Especially since he lives far. Not sure. What are you planning on doing?

Unrelated question: is he having drug problems too? At 30 and can't afford basics. Could that be the reason

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I agree with this. I would be very careful.

Oh, just saw the rest of the thread.

Sorry he is still hung up on his ex. I would move on to the next guy in line. You'll find the right one. Will just take some time.

Seesaw

Agreed with seesaw.

Cut your losses.

He's not ready for a relationship, unfortunately.

"Still hung up on the ex" gets them put into friend zone instantaneously. So many red flags here, you just can't ignore. Be a casual friend and maybe something will develop one day, but for now keep looking elsewhere. Don't waste your time and emotions on this one.

On risking sounding like a big child, I really like him and don't want to spend time getting to know someone else. He already knows a lot about me and is still talking to me. That says a lot.

I don't think it makes you a big child. I'd ask him why did he join dating site if he isn't ready and I would find out how long ago all this happened and how long it lasted. Just to have a clearer picture.

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He said that he and she were engaged, waiting untill they were married to be intimate, and that this relationship set him back a lot and he moved back in with his parents because he couldn't make ends meet. He seems to have a lot to deal with emotionally right now and I want to help him.

I think it's good that you care for him and feel connected, but keep things in perspective. At this point, he is just an on-line and phone friend. Here's where you really need to look at what you are thinking and doing.

You say you want love and sex in a real relationship. You are now putting off looking for someone else who can actually give that to you because you are trying to help this guy.

Are you fantasizing that he is going to say how you turned his life around and made him able to love and feel whole again? How he appreciates and loves you for all your patience and effort? He won't.

Are you pursuing a guy who is emotionally unavailable for some deeper reason that you are not in touch with? Like maybe it is safer than finding a man who can really give you what you say you want?

To what extent are you looking for an equal love relationship, and to what extent are you looking for a caretaking relationship?

So this guy went from being inexperienced introvert never been in relationships and was afraid to talk on the phone with the girl "because it's his first time talking like this to a girl" to actually being engaged to get married.
Why was he shy to talk on the phone if he was actually engaged?

This is a big jump.

And this girl is selling herself for drugs yet they were waiting till marriage to be intimate.

He is either lying through his teeth making stuff up as he goes or he is very confused

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If he is still hung up on his ex he is not ready to form a new relationship.

What a story. To me, this seems like a sad attempt to make excuses for not wanting a relationship.
Let's say he is being dishonest, which most likely is the case...if he's lying about such large things as relationship history, he is most likely lying about other things. Why would he be on a dating website if he was so badly damaged by his ex and is aware of the fact that he's still hung up on her.
On the other hand, if he is really confused, he needs some help that only professionals can provide.
Be a friend if you will, but please don't expect anything substantial from this guy.

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I think a great point T has been made here. Are you still interested because subconsciously you've always been attracted to unavailable men so you're going to end up doing the same thing as in the past and end up being hurt? I think it's okay to be friends with this guy but I would move on in terms of romantic interests and chat up someone else because this guy isn't right for you. He's made it clear he's emotionally unavailable.

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agree with everything here, but with one caveat. Talking for a week or month etc doesn't mean "nothing" but I do agree that the meaningfulness of it is rather limited having not met yet. I just think it's slightly over simplified

Could you kindly stop correcting my posts. Every time I post something you immediately follow up with corrections and stating how I am wrong in my opinions. I express my opinion and you can express yours. If for you it means something it is fine, for me it doesn't. If you read op's subsequent posts about him constantly changing his story you'll know why I said what I said. Overall I kindly ask you to stop following my posts and making corrections. If you find my opinions not helpful or wrong please pass them on without comments. It's becoming concerning to me and I kindly ask you to stop.

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I can't not follow your posts you reply to pretty much everything. and what I did was state my opinion just the same, it wasn't a correction if was a disagreement in a single thing you said. I said I agreed with everything you said in your post yet you focus in on one little thing as if I'm picking out something just from you alone.

Honestly I think you're paranoid if you think I'm actually following you directly as if I'm trolling you or something. I don't think what I said was in any way unreasonable or attacking anyone or anything. I made a valid point and you don't have to agree but don't make it out as if I have done anything directly to attack you, your character or anything to belittle at all.

seriously if you really think I'm out of line report me instead of making an argument in the thread. If I'm off I will stand corrected by the admins. Let's not make this an argument that derails the thread.

My reply was on point with the thread and I have a right to state my opinion even if it's in disagreement with others here.

I so agree with this. Calling us complete strangers is kind of harsh.

What I have found is that there is something that happens in online relationships, and here is the thing I hope you understand I want you to be cautious of. Online you ONLY have text, voice (and sometimes video). Thing is in a connection made entirely online, you are limited to only communication, whether it is any of those forms it does not matter, there is no life interaction, in real physical space which is written off far too much. This real life meeting isn't EVERYTHING but it is important to get to know someone.

What I say and how I say it online may attract females but how I interact with them physically is likely vastly different and could be something that would turn them off entirely but without that, all they see is my intellect, which, mind you, is NOT a bad thing but alone, you only know that dimension of me.

I believe I can be intellectually interesting, funny and caring online, but.. IRL? I'm pretty disconnected, emotionally boring (or seemingly so a lot of the time) and quite introverted but that is very hidden online.

The part that catches people, including myself is, when you get to know someone inside first and only know that, it fools us into thinking we know them better than we really do, but are we only our thoughts and our emotions and inner ideals? No, as people, lovers and mates we are much more than that and frankly, in real life, the intellectually stimulating conversation (in like, daily life of marriage) it's probably only a small percentage of the time.

How we interact, take care of ourselves, our houses, shop, financially manage our lives etc... all will be best seen close up and will tell us if we truly mesh or not but without that it's best to be cautious.

I am not discouraging you from falling for anyone on line or even seeking people online but only as a warning. don't let the façade of "knowing enough" about the other person fool you into thinking its enough. It truly is very limited so just... be careful ok?

Yes, yes, yes. I strongly second this.

And also, when we don't spend time with someone in person, we imagine them to be more ideal than they really are. Then when we get together with them, we are disappointed. They are just human and not nearly as great as we thought. Sometimes shockingly horrid.

This is the case with my last relationship, and it wasn't even online. He was constantly working, so we didn't have much time together. I idealized him in the mean time and when we get to be together, I realized how he wasn't that awesome.

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