My son is suffering. .

My oldest son, who is 21 is suffering severe depression right now. I suspect he might be bipolar but I'm not a doctor. He has just quit another job, he isn't able to function to take care of his daughter and can barely get out of bed. He has been on and off meds for the last 2 years. But it feels like the meds make him worse. When he is on them he barely sleeps and starts setting goals that are just grandiose in nature. He does this for a few weeks and then collapses.

Tonight he told me he couldn't live like this anymore. He said he would do a consult for inpatient treatment.

I feel so helpless, worried and sad. My husband doesn't understand, his step-dad and he is so far from supportive in this matter that I want to leave him. My guilt over my son's mental illness is eating me up. I was in such denial when things started going wrong.

Sigh. I'm just scared. I hate this.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

I am so sorry and I can only imagine what you are going though. As a mother I know there is nothing worse than seeing your child suffering. It might be a good idea for him to do inpatient if that's what he feels is right. Just be supportive and as long as he is trying to get better he will get better. Just be by his side. Send you hugs

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I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. Maybe going inpatient can help him stabilize his meds--I learned the hard way that some antidepressants are activating, while others are sedating. Back in the day, I was misdiagnosed as bipolar, and so I was tried on several of the more sedating antidepressants which exacerbated my symptoms and caused me to sleep sometimes 20 hours a day. It took a few years and an inpatient stay to figure out that the meds on the opposite end of the spectrum work well for me. Brain chemistry is difficult and so individual. It's hard to watch a loved one go through this, but hopefully the key to things getting better is a matter of finding the correct med combo and that happens soon.

I'm sorry your husband isn't supportive. My family is very unsupportive about Mi stuff--they just choose to remain ignorant, and I have chosen to let them. Is there anyone else who can give you support?

Parenting is truly lifelong. In my head I'm thinking I should've insisted on going to the ER tonight instead of waiting until tomororw. That the doctors there could decide if he needed an immediate referral. But I didn't insist on it and now I'm going to lay awake and stare at the ceiling until morning.

Thanks for listening.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

Oh Ruari,

I desperately hope so. I hope that by being in one place that's safe will allow the therapists to figure out what is going on and figure out how to best stabilize him.

I emailed my T. He offered to call but I said the email response was enough. And I popped a clonazepam to take the edge off.

I hate that he hurts. It rips me apart. Helpless.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

*not medical advice, just my opinion*

Every state is different, but I will tell you about the ER for psych referrals. It is good and it should be used if someone is in immediate, life-threatening danger. For someone who is in control enough to wait until tomorrow, I would wait til tomorrow. The ER is limited in that the docs are not psych docs and have only minimal psych training, same with the nurses (though we have a behavioral health nurse liaison on staff because we see so many psych patients in my ER). There is usually only one MSW (medical social worker) on staff in the ER, maybe two if it's a huge hospital, none (they'd be on-call) if it's a itty bitty rural hospital. The MSW is who makes the referrals, not the docs. The process through the ER can take hours since the MSW is usually seeing several patients, all with different needs, and beds in outlying facilities can be hard to come by. The process works, it's just slow sometimes, and it's hard to wait in that tiny exam room for hours and hours and hours when you're already anxious and depressed.

I feel like, again, my opinion, not advice, if your son is able to sleep in his own bed tonight, that is so much better than spending the night in the ER...which is probably what would happen. The logistics and paperwork can be dealt with when you've both had at least a little sleep.

(((MondaysChild)))

I can only imagine what you are going through. At least he will be seeking help. All you can do is be there for him. Don't try and diagnose him. Let the doctors do that. I know my dad keeps trying to rediagnose me and it really really bothers me, because he doesn't know what he's talking about (he's never even seen a pdoc or T so wtf would he even know?!).

I know it's hard to watch your son have such a tough time. Just being understanding will mean so much to him.

Seesaw

We are mid size. 2 large hospitals that serve a pretty large area. Fargo is usually where people are life flighted to from surrounding areas. If we cant handle it we send them to Minneapolis, MN.

It's a good opinion . I feel better about waiting until tomorrow, it would be a much bigger hassle and then ambulance ride which wouldnt be necessary but part of the liability for the hospital.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

If he's voluntary, he can go by private car. At least here in MI. (Or MSW arranges for a cab voucher straight to the facility. I transfer more people by cab than ambulance.)

I hope you can avoid having to go through ER to get in somewhere but if that is necessary (sometimes it is), just bring a good book and $$ for the cafeteria/vending machine. It'll all be okay, and I don't mean that in a trite way. It sounds like you guys are on the right track.

Let us know how it goes please

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I'm honestly a little irritated with him and his girlfriend. My granddaughter has croup. She just turned one. They decided not to take her into the walk in clinic yesterday because they were too tired. I had her for most of the day and we spent a lot of time in the bathroom with the shower running as the steam is helpful. Her cough subsided while she was here. These things almost always get worse at night but neither of them wanted to sit in the bathroom with her (this is at their place) and they were tired so they brought her into the ER because they were hoping she would be given something to help her sleep. As I predicted, the doctor didn't do that, instead he gave her a steroid shot. Which doesn't do anything for sleep. The codeine they were hoping for to knock her out didn't happen and I'm grateful for that but irritated with them. She didn't have a fever and she was playing and eating fine, she didn't need to go in, she needed her parents to be patient and realize sleep is sporadic with children, especially sick children. I had offered to take her and have them all stay here as they have a lot of animals and I thought that the animal hair was likely aggravating her airways. Either way, they knew better and didn't.

Sorry for the rambling vent. Anyway.

Now they are sleeping and not answering the phone. So I'm waiting for them to call and I'm anxious. I'm worried that my son has decided that he doesn't need the help and will start the cycle over again.

I guess it's a possibility that I'll have to accept if it happens.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

Yeah...no codeine for babies for respiratory stuff. Steroids to decrease the inflammation is pretty much on point (I just had bronchitis--similar concept--and had to take oral steroids, not much else to do.)

Anyway, I'm sorry you're frustrated; I would be, too. It's true, if he decides he doesn't want to go in, I guess there's not much to do about it but let him do what he feels he needs to do. Maybe next time, if this is his habit, bringing him right in when he's in crisis mode would be a good idea, you know? I don't know, that's totally up to you, but definitely something to think about.

I'm sorry you're having to worry about this. Not something any 20 something should have to deal with let alone your own child I wish I had something to say that could help but I can say I feel for you, with two sons at home myself approaching that age (16 an 14).

knowing personally how depression is, I cannot imagine one of my own children having to deal with it. I hope if he goes in patient that he will get the help he needs.

As for the guilt, I get that too but keep in mind it's highly likely that none of this is anything you should feel "guilty" over. Compassion, sadness and such but just not the guilt. That is most likely undeserved.

OMG sorry about a granddaughter. It must be tough, you are a good grandma

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I took responsibility for everything my son has went through. That I couldn't protect him from feeling hopeless, that I couldn't fix his sadness. That he inherited my curse and hence, my fault. Logically, I know it isn't, I know I provided a secure and stable, loving home. That I allowed him a place to succeed and fail, that I've loved/love him, that I gave him room to become his own person and to find and form his Outlook on the world.

I have to remind myself that he is an adult now and makes his own decisions about his life. I have to watch him make mistakes and hold my tongue. I have to hope that what I provided will be enough for him to fall back on when he needs to fall back.

As it stands, he was here last night and he is "fine", for now. I have to let that be too. I can only do something when he decides and keep my boundaries intact so I don't walk around with a hole in my gut from worry.

What a heart wrenching job it is to be a parent.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

*hugs* I know. I get that very well.

I want to give you this as an encouragement. he's an adult now but will forever look to you as an example, a role model. As motivation to break free from this type of thinking, as hard as I know it is... (because all of us parents have some of this guilt) That when you are able to confidently see his upbringing as you giving all you could, doing the best you could and having done well in that (as I'm sure you have) he will also see this confidence and I believe even at his age, it will help to influence his parenting of his child now.

I am sure getting past and acknowledging yourself as a great mom, even with your flaws, will help you also support him better too