Stolen money on trip, maybe husband took it back?

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Yeah, I did when I was working years ago. I even balanced it myself. I stupidly gave him all of my checks instead of depositing things myself, ugh! Never again! OK, that makes sense now.

Sorry to hear about your sister in law. How much does she depend on your brother? How does your brother feel about her relying on him and your nieces and nephew so much? Sounds like my sister to a degree with how she is with my parents. She's a stylist, but she currently has no clients at this time it seems like. So her b.f pays for just about everything that my parents don't.

Thanks for not being judgemental. I HATE judgemental people who act like everything is my fault, ugh! Some people lack empathy for sure!

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First of all, I have three low credit cards, and I did not max them out right away. Each one has no more than $750 on it, and one has a $500 limit. I have NOT opened up ANY credit cards in years since a lot of these cards offer even lower limits with high interest rates, and they all require a fee to even use. No thanks.

I take it that you've never been in this situation. What he is doing is called financial abuse. Even IF I had a job, he'd never respect me 100%, and he'd never fully trust me with money since that is how he is, controlling and cheap! He used to cash my checks and then give me money!

Yes, money should be handled together, but obviously, that's not the way that it works with some people. I guess that some people think that if you didn't earn that money, then you're not entitled to it. He doesn't even TELL me what bills we need to pay until he HAS to! I had no clue that we owed the IRS a lot until recently, and I had no idea that we could loose our house until a few months ago. He could no longer hide those things from me, especially since I check the mail most of the time. And I'm not afraid to open the mail and ask questions. It's my right to do so.

He IS controlling. He deliberately will not pay our insurance to save money as he never goes to the Drs. He also deliberately will mail out MY credit card bills late and then blame me for not giving him the bill, or that he sent it in already. I have lost count of the times this has happened, ugh!

@Everyone on here, how many of you think that HE took it back? And how many of you think that a maid or someone on the plane may have taken it? Only a few of you mentioned that you thought it was him who probably took it back.

I'd appreciate all answers. I know this sounds weird, but I'll be kind of relieved in a weird way if HE took it as that way the money still stayed with us and went towards our expenses. I'll NEVER leave my purse unattended again, and I'll definitely hide all money from him & everyone else next time. I'll hide it in an unexpected place to be safe.

My sister in law is completely dependent on my brother, she never worked or paid bills. Granted he makes good money. My niece still lives at home and is a minor and one of my nephews is in college, only one nephew is fully grown and on his own . My brother tried to get her to be more of an adult bust least being able to pay bills but she isn't interested. It is what it is. Granted they raised three awesome kids, one adopted so she is not completely useless and she is a good person But still It is a scary notion that you need other people to survive

If you have joined checking account then you would be using same check book. Don't you have both names on it? Is it somewhere in the house? You can just write checks paying your credit card bills and insurance. Instead of watching him being late with bills just pay them yourself.

My fiancée and I don't intend to combine accounts because he pays spousal support and I want my account separate so we don't have the same checkbook, but we know where each other's check books are. We know each other expenses etc and we aren't even married yet. How do you not know where your joined check book is so you can pay bills so you aren't late? Ask him where is the check book?

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I agree. I think maxing cards happens because cards are very low credit and op doesn't work

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Thanks again for not being judgemental unlike some people on here- It's not like I go on shopping sprees whenever I feel like it! I need to eat you know, ugh! Obviously some people on here have never walked in my shoes!

He took the money... I dont really understand why that isn't 100 % obvious.

That's what I thought. It'd be WAY to risky for a maid or a passenger to take it. It's still possible, but with the attitude he had, wow, that really told me a lot. I couldn't be 100% sure as theft does occur overseas. I just needed some other opinions as I wasn't 100% sure of things. Thanks.

He took the money but I think it's not even the main issue here. This marriage is build on dishonesty and isn't equal partnership and companionship that is satisfying for both parties. Not just with finances. You both are still young. There is more to marriage than this. I think you either have to see a counselor and try to improve it or both move on. It is difficult to read let alone live like this. You two deserve better than this

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I lived 33 years with a totally financially irresponsible H & I had to deal with his irresponsibility.

To be honest, to have a household run ok, either BOTH have to be completely involved with the finances or one has to be....I prefer both, but when one is irresponsible, then sometimes the other one HAS to take over.

Oh yes, trying to pay bills on a tight budget & having the other person take money out of the account without saying anything is totally irresponsible on the person's part that takes the money out of the account & leaving it to overdraft to cover....that would be totally IRRESPONSIBLE. It's just respectful to tell the other person when money is taken out of the account so something like that doesn't happen.

When I ended up with major depression, I needed H to be responsible & HE WASN'T.....that's one of the huge reasons why I left him finally after tolerating his crap for 33 years. Oh & after I left, he dug his hole even deeper. I had a check I needed to cash from the IRS & could only do it on the joint account I had left open while I was paying off the huge back taxes he screwed up on. I found out that he was running that joint account on total negative & overdraft for $25 each was what he was paying EVERYTHING with including a $7.50 netflix bill. Oh I know all too well about financial abuse & financial irresponsibility, which is why I have a hard time placing any blame in your situation because I don't KNOW the real picture & I don't know if you in fact are financially responsible or if there was a cause as to why your H is treating the finances the way he is. My H would never admit to being irresponsible, but it was obvious by the way he handled money.

I went along with my H for awhile & we got so far in debt at one point even with a 2 computer engineer household income we couldn't even qualify to buy a new home on that salary because of the debt. I had to take over & forced him to work with me on getting rid of the debt (ALL OF IT). I thought he had learned something but it was obvious when I got sick & needed him to take over, he had learned absolutely NOTHING & it was even more obvious after I left. I live on less money than he has & I can pay all my bills without overdraft. He let the house that my name was still on the loan go into foreclosure. I found out that for almost 2 years he didn't make a property tax payment or a house payment. When asked where all the money went to that he wasn't paying on the house, he couldn't account for it. I had the credit union send me 3 years of statements right before I closed the account on him after cashing the IRS check....I found out all the irresponsibility that was going on.

In our case what might have looked like financial abuse was actually countering total irresponsibility. Not knowing the REAL picture of your situation, it's difficult to really tell what is going on.

My fiancée lived with irresponsible spouse for many years, she was withdrawing and pocketing money as well as well as stealing and over-drafting for years never able to show where the money went yet he was the only one ever working as she refused to work. He now pays her hefty spousal support because she still wouldn't work. He now wished he was in total control of finances as he was the only one who ever worked, but he is just too nice for that.

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OP where do you live?


Maybe you also qualify for a hefty spousal support, and thus won't have to wait to make a decent living wage to leave...

I mean, if Divines' fiancés ex wife can get it out of spite, why not look into it since you will actually be needing it to get on your feet.

My apologies if you've already checked aand will walk away penniless.



Just thinking out loud...

I am pretty confident that op would qualify for some spousal support.

In many (maybe all) US states spouse would most likely get spousal support if they didn't work and were married over certain time ( for sure if more than 20 years).

There are sometimes exceptions if your spouse paid for your college degree etc My fiancée paid for her college degree but she still wouldn't work. Judge took it in consideration and reduced duration of spousal support.

The thing in most cases spousal support ends at some point. My fiancée has to pay for number of years but then it's over. It all depends.

I actually don't think my fiancée ex wants spousal support out of spite. She never wanted to work and spousal support allows her to continue not working. She was the one who initiated divorce.

I agree about sometimes needing it to stand on ones feet but I would warn against relying on it too much. Somebody posted on this forum at some point that she lives off spousal support for many years but it's coming to an end and she has no savings and no job experience. It's scary. Also spousal support rarely covers all expenses. Unless ex spouse is very rich.

It's a good idea to chat with lawyer ASAP

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I agree, a lawyer is in order.


No use dragging your feet, chasing your tail, and running round in circles.


At least a lawyer will be able to give you concrete advice so you can actually formulate a plan for your future, instead of contemplating it online.

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He refuses to go to counseling. I will soon after I make a 100% recovery. This sinus infection is still lingering, ugh. Like I said before, this place that's half an hour away from me that I found on meetup.com offers free counseling. I just hope that they are accepting new people into their program. I don't want a divorce. You all make it sound so easy, but it's not.

Thanks for the tips, but I can't make it on my own financially or otherwise. He's not that bad aside from being a bit to controlling with money at times. He has good qualities to him too even though it doesn't seem like it sometimes.

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Wow, that is awful! So sorry to hear about that! I'm so glad that you got rid of that guy! I was never anywhere NEAR that irresponsible! As for our joint account, he rarely has less than $20,000 in the account. So for him to make a huge fuss of taking $100-200 out from time to time is annoying to me.

I shouldn't have to ask his permission each any every time I need money from our account! I'm no a child! It's not like I take thousands of dollars out every now and then to buy jewelry or anything like that.

What is going on is what I already stated, he'll give me a weekly allowance in cash. I don't even have a check book. He is just paranoid and has trust issues due to use having to declare bankruptcy years ago. I had to live off credit cards, sort of, so of course, those bills accumulated. He then REFUSED to pay ANY of them for years, so he ruined my credit on purpose. It was already ruined when we declared bankruptcy.

That was back in 2004. Do you know how hard it is to live off cash only? I sure do! 90% of the debt was HIS due to advertising costs that he couldn't afford to pay. He was in over his head at about !00,000 or more. I only had $16,000 in debt. That's a lot, but nothing compared to his debt. I was NOT told about the bankruptcy UNTIL the last minute. I had to sign some paperwork. He hides almost everything from me!

He seems to think that I'll go on some wild shopping spree or something if he gives me access to money. I wouldn't do that, ugh! I know that we have bills to pay! I try to save money and buy stuff on sale now. I normally cook at home, and I rarely go out with friends more than once or twice a month, and since they don't have much money to spend either, it's never to an expensive place.

I dread having to look for work again. Just imagine going to work again after 16 years of not working, that's even scarier and more intimidating when you have social anxiety and depression. I had to quit a few jobs due to the fact that my panic attacks got to be to bad to continue working at some jobs.

They're not as bad as they used to be, but I'm afraid working again might trigger them even with meds. I'll do my best to look for a job to where I'm not interacting with a lot of people to often. It won't be easy to do though. I'll be sure to keep whatever little I make to myself and pay my own bills, what I can with what little I'll be making. The minimum wage here in Ca. is $11 an hour I think right now.

It's not normal for a spouse to never tell the other spouse anything about financial stuff and bills. He tells me that I'm lucky that I don't have to deal with all of that B.S. It's almost like he's hiding something. He's so weird and controlling like that, ugh!

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Sorry to hear that. I'm not doing anything like that. I only take what I need. He doesn't give me enough. Trust me, I do ask him for money, but he sticks to giving me a budget usually. I'm sure that he has more than he lets on. He's just stingy.

I did work in the past. Obviously I was a bad fit for most of my past jobs. It's NOT easy being in certain jobs and being around certain people when you have issues dealing with depression, social anxiety, and panic attacks. Like I said in a previous post, I had to quit a few jobs due to my anxiety getting to bad to handle.

I'm really scared to work again as it could trigger panic attacks again even with meds. I haven't had any panic attacks for awhile, but that can change if I go back to work. This makes me very nervous. I'll have to go to that place that offers free counseling when I get better to help me with that and other issues. And the issues that I have with my spouse of course. He refuses to go to counseling. Ugh!

I have back, feet, and other health issues too. I'm not that lazy. It'll be nice to have my own money again. I just hope that I get hired at a place to where the work isn't to stressful and demanding and the people are nice, especially the boss. And of course, that'd be nice if the hours, benefits, and pay are good too!

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I would for sure even though my husband told me many times that I wouldn't even get my car or a single penny. WTH? That was a scare tactic for sure. I live in Ca. as stated above. I don't want to repeat everything, so just read what I posted to the last lady on here.

Sorry to hear about your fiance's ex. She sounds awful. It sounds like she'll be in trouble and that she'll probably have to rely on friends and family for help when she runs out of money. It sounds like she'll be moving back home soon. My sister has done that a few times by being 100 times more financially irresponsible that I ever was. She had two cars at one time when she wasn't even working and living at home.

At least I'm not relying on anyone for money but my spouse. And I'm not racking up huge bills here and there. My husband is being way to controlling by limiting access to money. I suspect that he does have more than he lets on.

I am just confused. You describe pretty much an awful spouse, but when we suggest divorce you state he isn't that bad. I am sorry he sounds pretty bad. I am sorry you have health problems and criminal record. I have a relative with criminal record, felony, and she is back on her feet, works full time, rents her own place and raises a child alone with no child support. Sure some jobs aren't available for convicts but not all. Talk to vocational rehab services.
Ask for help from various vocational services. Maybe go to school

What if something happens to your husband ( I hope not but one needs to be prepared), what are you going to do?


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We are 50 years old with grown kids. There is no "moving back home". His ex isn't relying on anyone but her spouse either. She relied on him when married and now when he is ex spouse. If you get divorced you would be also relying on your ex. Of course the difference is also that she is not a nice person, but you are.

Does your husband doesn't want you to work?

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Sorry for the confusion. He is bad in some ways, but good in other ways if that makes any sense. I hate how controlling he is though of course. I don't have any felonies. I have two misdemeanors, non violent ones. One is for shoplifting back in 2000, and the other for a first and last time DUI in 2011.

What is your relative doing now? Good for her. Getting a job won't be easy at all. Most places expect for small businesses do background checks, and if given the option of hiring someone with a record versus someone with a clean background, every place will choose the low risk candidate every time.

It's not fair at all. I can't afford school for now. I'll just have to get a job to where they're willing to train me. I have past customer service and other kinds of experience. It's not like I've never worked before. My skills are rusty though, but it doesn't take that much skill to talk on the phone and to type in data. Just about anyone can do that.

I've thought about that, something could happen to my husband, so I'll have to talk to him about life insurance when he's not as stressed out. And get a job soon of course. And start putting aside a little money too.

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Well, she'll have to either find another nice guy to use, or go back to work it looks like. Thanks for your kind words- My husband has wanted me to work for years! Not at first, but when things got bad, yes. I

I should've stayed employed in the past and tried harder at past jobs, and tried harder to fit in and socialize and go to stupid holiday parties more often, ugh! I wish that I could just work at home! I used to think that if you just show up on time, do your job, don't cause any problems, and are polite and nice enough, that was good enough. No, sadly, it isn't, ugh!

I honestly think it was a maid. You seriously left your purse with all that money left there? Omg you know workers etc often do that stuff? But then after reading more... It rightfully so could of been your husband. $750? That's a lot of money for some people. And you seem to have the habit of leaving your purse around so he might of saw it, and taken back what he saw as "his". But i do believe you guys should share finances but you should taken a just needed for that time being and needed, not $750 dollars worth. I have to be honest, after I read your first post I was thinking "wow she has a issue with spending and snagging her husbands money? That's not right!" But as the thread played out, I've gotten compassion for you and I commend you for getting help!

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I also am a bit confused about your back and forth " hes good /He's controlling"

As to your legal issues .. they are not going to stop you from finding employment. Sure you might not like a job for a variety of reason.... but... The best way to find a better job is to be working somewhere.

Sometimes push indeed comes to shove and you just have to get up and tackle any and everything that is in your way to build confidence in yourself. Once you have some confidence you will probably be more able to sit down and have a much needed discussion about your money and your relationship in general.

Life is much to short to stay in a bad relationship.

Retail doesn't do background check. They hire anybody. You can do stock in s back if you don't want to be with customers

The relative actually asked at the university ( she thinks of going back to school) which professions are taboos for her. Only a few.

DUI and shoplifting isn't going to stop you from getting a job. You aren't applying to be a CEO. Do you even want to work?

You aren't required to attend holiday parties in order to maintain a job.

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