[Kocsisks]

So apparently I'm smothering my boyfriend. Which I know I am but it's almost like I can't stop!! I just crave a touch from him or just any type of attention. My boyfriend & I live together. He has severe depression & anxiety. He goes through bouts of it & hes going through a bout of severe depression now & just wants some space. I'm really trying but it's so hard for some reason. How do I give him space when we live together?

[eskielover]

Find something to interest you other than him when you are starting to feel like you just have to have his attention. Get a coloring book or watch a movie....anything to get your mind off of him & let him have his space within the space you have together. Go into another room if you have to. You have control over yourself whether you want to admit it or not.......start using self-control otherwise you may not end up having him at all.

[divine1966]

I remember you posted about having issues when you first started dating him or few months in. You already live together. It seems that if you already had issues while dating, moving in together was a bit of a rush?

As about giving space you certainly can do it living together. You can go work out see your girlfriends go for a walk read a book watch something be on computer do crafts etc it is a bit hard if you live in a smaller place but still is doable

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[Kocsisks]

We were doing well. Now he says he's unhappy here & with me. That I constantly need reassurance, constant touching & cuddling all the time. We spend a lot of time together. I just am upset & lost right now. He just told me he doesn't see a future for us right now but he's hopeful. I'm sad & angry at the same time. I just feel like crying right now.

When things were bad for me with depression...I didn't have the ability to be responsible for someone else's happiness.

You wanting to hold hands or cuddle or whatever, is a reminder to him that he needs to worry about being responsible for someone else (whether he actually is or not is NOT the issue here). And that is very taxing for someone who is barely hanging on. Everything is a monumental task for someone with depression....getting out of bed, taking a shower....everything.

So maybe you can understand how difficult the thought of also caring for someone else might be...

It must be nearly impossible not to take this personally....I don't know how my DH did it really. I must have been tremendously difficult to get along with....

The best thing for both of us was the quiet company of each other. I could handle that most of the time.

I don't blame you for your hurt and anger. And it's okay to cry. But if you are able, don't let him see.

I don't know if you need to leave him or if you're willing to consider that it's the depression talking....It's a tough call.

I do feel sorry for you.

[Kocsisks]

Thank you sophiesmom. I know I've been very difficult to handle with all of my mental health issues. He says he hates living in the city. I've been very difficult to handle with my constant need to be with him & touch him & him constantly reassuring me that everything is ok & that he loves me. I have issues with that for some reason. I just don't wanna lose him but another part of me is thinking about leaving him. I'm just confused, upset, sad, & angry at the same time. I hate this. I finally thought I'd found the one. Guess I was really wrong.

[Crazy Hitch]

I read an article on smothering and needy girlfriends ... that's a big no no in terms of keeping your boyfriend attracted to you. Try see if you can widen your support network and get involved in some hobbies that you will be able to do independently.

[divine1966]

Are you still not working? I agree with crazy hitch just have your own things in life. Also you are probably anxious because he doesn't appear to know if he wants to stay or go. He told you he sees no future with you. No wonder you feel needy. Sorry you deal with it but that's would be a deal breaker. In the past I felt needy when relationship wasn't going anywhere. That's maybe why you feel needy. Stay strong and make good decision

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[Kocsisks]

Yes I am working. I work a lot through the week. I did ask him why he's with me then if he sees no future with me & all he said was he's hopeful. I'm starting to think its over. I'm definitely going to be distancing myself from him. I'm starting to realize maybe this isn't a healthy relationship for me. I need to get myself better. I've been needy all through the relationship but it's because he does **** like this! I'm angry & hurt right now. I really wish I could stay like this but it fluctuates from very sad to angry. I still love him but I hate him at the same time right now. I've been working on myself & getting myself better through this relationship. He has stuck by me through that. Finding out I have bipolar & traits of borderline personality disorder, getting on the right meds, & getting stable. I'm just going to worry about myself & stop worrying so much about him. I'm heartbroken a little bit but I'm starting to just feel numb which is wonderful for once! Thank you all for your support. It's nice to talk to someone who understands what I'm going through right now

[Trippin2.0]

This is how i see it...


He doesn't see a future with you as things stand right now...


In other words, if things don't change, and you continuously need him as much as you do oxygen, then that's a deal breaker for him. Too much pressure, unhealthy, or whatever you want to label it.


BUT he's hopeful that you are learning and growing, and will get a firmer handle on yourself, thus making for a much healthier and balanced relationship.


I don't see why he has to be demonized for his honesty.

He could've labeled you high maintenance and headed for the hills, but turns out he's not a jerk after all is he....

[Kocsisks]

You're correct he isn't a jerk. I love him very much & am trying not to smother him now. I told him im trying to change for myself not him which he seemed happy about. He is a good guy. I just usually need to process things & I have this morning. Im going to try my hardest to change not just for me but for our relationship.

[Kocsisks]

So I've been really trying not to smother him or be clingy at all. It just sucks cause I crave his touch & kiss!! I think it's to a point that it's became unhealthy. Lol. He also had told me during our big talk that he's not as attracted to me as he was in the beginning. That really hurt hearing it but I did thank him for his honesty. I don't know if that's the depression talking or because of how clingy I have been?

None of us here could speculate on that...

I know it hurts...I'm sorry it does. I admire you for having the maturity to come here and share and listen. And step outside of your relationship for a moment so that you can be more objective.

[Trippin2.0]

You could always ask him what he meant.... That way there's no incorrect assumptions but rather constructive communication.

[eskielover]

I don't know if that's the depression talking or because of how clingy I have been?

Asking him & communicating will help build the communication that is the foundation every relationship needs.

[Kocsisks]

I asked him. He doesn't know why. I'm trying not to take it personal but it still hurts that he doesn't want me as much as I want him.

[Trippin2.0]

Well if it was your looks that would be obvious, so it seems your smothering ways are what's killing the attraction for him.


Our partners' behavior can definitely impact how attractive we find them, regardless of what they look like.


I know from first hand experience.

[Kocsisks]

Well my boyfriend is moving out. We both decided its for the best. He's not happy in the town I live in. So he's going back to his home. We're still staying together but I pretty much told him that I'm not happy with him. I understand depression but I got help for my mental illnesses & he needs to do something. He agreed. I feel sad but optimistic

I need alot of alone time for myself, But that is my personality, I personally can't stand to be smotherd even by some one that I love, It's nothing personal, It's just the way I am, I don't even like company coming over, I am a loner type of person

[divine1966]

It's for the best. Life is too short to be in unhappy relationship. Wish you luck

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[Kocsisks]

I know it's for the best but I don't want him to move out. I want him to be happy & we're still going to be together. Why does it feel like we're moving backwards instead of forwards. Sorry just having a hard time processing it.

[divine1966]

It does not sound like relationship is moving forward as neither one of you is happy. Are you sure it's wise to stay together if relationship is not working out? I honestly would have difficult time if my fiancée wanted to move out. I would certainly not stay with him. But I recall when you were just dating you said you have relationship troubles but you still moved together. Can you describe why you are staying together if things were never truly good? I just wish you happiness

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[Kocsisks]

The relationship has been very unsteady throughout I definitely agree. I do love him & when things are good they are really good. Right now we're shaky. He's acting like nothing has happened now. To him we've already discussed it & it doesn't need to be talked about again. But me & my little OCD mind keeps obsessing over it & bringing it back up. Sigh....