[bsamm27]

i just found out my mom is cheating on my dad. Can't even begin to explain how i feel.
First, let me explain this. We come from a family that believes in God, and even if we dont practice the religion, we believe the fundamentals. Second, my parents have always had a good relationship. There were some problems in the past with his drinking, but that was years ago, and everything seems better now. Or so i thought.
We are a hispanic family, so we are all very close and family is very important to us. My mom was raised with the belief that women were supposed to stay home, take care of the kids etc.. but even with this she was always very independent.
Now to the issue.
Yesterday, while she was downstairs talking to her friend, i went into her bathroom to get something and her phone was there. messages were popping up "you are the best thing that ever happened to me" "youre the love of my life" with flower and heart emojis. This message was not my my dad. ANd my heart just broke. My hands started shaking. i was in disbelief. My mother who is the perfect woman in my eyes. who has always been independent and "dont need no man" to get **** done. she was pulling this ********.
And i thought "u know what, this doesnt mean anything." And that got me curious. Next day, i looked for every excuse to see her phone and when i finally did, i saw things i wish i never had.
And she is doing all this **** with a man we all in our family know.
a man who shakes my dad's hand. who eats with us in our table.
a man that i have never liked since i met him, because there was something so off about him. We have known him for years, since i was in high school. and that makes me wonder, How long has this crap been going on?
i am so disgusted at the audacity she has to let this man into our house. to let him interact with my father, my brother, and me.
How many times has she been texting him right in our faces? And the thing is, that i already knew it. Or to be more specific, it has always been in the back of my mind, because i never trusted the guy.
And so now, i dont know what to do.
Becuase to me my dad is my hero.
i know he is not perfect, but he is the best father i could have asked for. And as a husband, he is so good to her. Always providing for us. Working damn hard for us to be happy.
So what do i do?
How do i tell her i know?
how do i tell her that she is breaking or has broken our family?
that im disgusted everytime she touches my dad, becuase all i have in my mind is that man and her. Her lies.
The biggest lair i know. because i thought she was a good person.

How do i even begin that conversation.
i know i dont want to tell my dad just yet becuase i dont want to see him break. i cant even begin to imagine what this will do to our family.
What do i do?

[healingme4me]

It's a big surprise and shock. I say confront your mom. It's up to her to address these things with your father.
You might want to find someone to address all the disappointments with that isn't your parents.

I know it's a sense of betrayal I've lived that feeling myself about my own parents. Eventually, years down the road I came to understand and truly see how my father can build his own walls and push away and not truly listen and actually got how my mom would have begun an emotional affair with a family friend. And my dad eventually left his second wife for another woman. Which turned out to be an important piece of that puzzle of why my mom did what she did.

[TishaBuv]

I'm so sorry this has happened to your family and you have to be caught in the middle of it. I think you should tell your mom you saw the messages, and tell her she needs to handle this. You won't sit by and let it go on with this man coming in your house in your presence.

[TishaBuv]

I had a similar situation happen. I reunited with an old 'friend' through FB. It's a long story of who he was to me years before I met my husband. Long story short, I only liked him as a friend, but at a very low point, I had sex with him once (it's complicated).

So, now, many years later, we were both married with children. He lived in my town coincidentally, so the families became friends. I had them over for dinners and our kids became friends.

Then he hit on me. He said he was only staying with his wife because of their child. He said he always 'saw us being together'.

I had zero attraction to this man. Had I, I can't say 100% what I might have done. Consider the very low place your mother may be in a marriage that you have no idea about.

[Trippin2.0]

I would firstly copy the messages to my phone (just in case) then tell my mom I saw a few of them pop up from so an so (without providing details) and that I suggest she tell my dad before I do.


End of.


If she continues to say nothing, then I show my dad myself.


I'm really sorry you've inadvertently been placed in the middle of this mess, but at least now this guy can stop coming to your house and making a fool of your father.

I say don't confront your mother. She will always be your mother and you her child. And most definitely don't tell your father.

Your mother is an independant adult and she as such makes her own choices. You cannot tell her how to live her life.

[highnrg1]

This is such a challenging situation and I really feel for you. I have been there with my parents, too, many years ago. My dad cheated on my mom, numerous times before they eventually got a divorce. (I am not saying that will happen to you).
I agree with whoever said you should just mention that you saw a few texts when her phone went off the other day (she won't know the content that you saw) and then share how the texts made you feel (worried, sad, upset, hurt?) in a calm and honest way.
However, here's the tricky part. You probably won't have success if you TELL your mom what she should do "Tell dad or I will" or "stop seeing this guy or else I'll tell dad" etc. Maybe you will have more success if you just tell her you saw some texts (but don't share the specific content of the texts), share how they made you feel and then ask her to PLEASE think about this and what she is going to do and ask her to make a plan to deal with this and share that plan with you? I wish you luck. Sending prayers for you and your family during this difficult time.

[divine1966]

I am sorry that happened to you but it's really between mom and dad. You don't know what's happening in their marriage. They might have open marriage for all you know or they might have whatever agreements etc if your mom cheats she cheats on her husband not on you. You can confront her but I wouldn't interfere in their marriage by telling your dad. If you are an adult I recommend you move out, then you don't have to see anything like that.

Again it's disturbing and I feel sorry for your dilemma but I wouldn't give ultimatums or meddle in their marriage. Just tell mom you saw texts

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Talthybius]

The most obvious thing to do is to tell her you know so she can tell your father before you tell him.

Not sure if that's what I would do and not sure if there are good possible reasons to do something else.

It kind of assumes your loyalty lies with the non-cheating parent. It may not.

[~Christina]

You should talk to a Therapist about how all this is effecting you and whether or not you should tell your Mom.

This is a tricky sticky situation. But as mentioned you really do not know what your parents marriage is.

I'm sorry your hurting

[Crazy Hitch]

Ughhh it downright sucks.

I found out my dad was cheating when I was 16. I chose not to get involved and tell my mother. Maybe I was selfish. I didn't want them separating. I thought my mother, for many reasons, stood to gain more being in the marriage than having it teared apart. Sounds strange me even typing that.

I was really angry when I found out. My mother did everything for my father (his second marriage). You know, did his washing, ironing, had dinner on the table when he came home etc.

I didn't confront my dad either at the time.

When I was about 25, my dad and I went out for dinner and I confronted him, and him only, about the fact that I knew he'd had affairs. Needless to say, he was stunned. But I knew for certainty that the affairs were over.

Fast forward to a little over 10 years and the two of them are as happy as Larry. Would it make a difference now, in their retirement, for my mother to know he had affairs?

There's no easy way out.

Maybe....

Confront the guy she's having an affair with? Send him a copy of the screenshot. That might give him food for thought.

[Twisted Hell]

I'm not one of those "what he doesn't know wont hurt him" type of people, I'm also not confrontational, and dislike confrontation if I can avoid it, so this situation would be difficult but i would find a way to bring out the truth, because what you don't know can hurt you, it can hurt you if you find out it's been going on for years, or decades it makes you feel stupid, it can hurt you because of diseases, and if he ever does find out, it can hurt him finding out you knew already.

[Crazy Hitch]

I wanted to add.

I battled with my reply there.

I've been the recipient of knowing my dad was cheating.

And have found out 4 months ago my husband has a mistress. So I've seen both sides.

I was trying to give a response as to how I dealt with it, when I found out my dad had been unfaithful, taking into account my role as the child and not really wanting to get involved in his business.

Having said that - I know damn well first hand how much it hurts if your dad were to find out your mom is being unfaithful.

[Twisted Hell]

would you rather have not known Crazy? I've also been cheated on and I would have much rather found out as early as I could, I've also forgiven cheating after finding out, not the best decision I ever made but I guess I still needed him at the time.

[Crazy Hitch]

I'd rather go back 2 years when my marriage was okay than have had what happened happened

[Twisted Hell]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

I'd rather go back 2 years when my marriage was okay than have had what happened happened

I mean aside from time travel.. but okay, if you could and you weren't able to change the cheating, would you change that you found out? i know I wouldn't maybe that's just me

[bsamm27]

|||UPDATE||||

I wrote her a letter basically explaining that i knew what was going on. Also explained how great my dad is as a father and as a husband; how i felt about her bringing that man into our home; how i felt about her doing this to dad and family; and how i lost all trust in her and i never wanted to see that man near us.

After she saw the letter, she went to my job and i went out to hear what she had to say.
She looked like she had been crying and i felt so bad for her, i did not want to see her hurting.
and she started explaining that it didnt mean anything, that it was only messages, nothing physical had happened. How my dad is the love of her life and how she could not live without him and vice versa. that my brother and i were her everything etc..
I just wanted to tell her if that was how she felt, then why did she even think of doing it, that maybe she wasnt happy. and i asked her if my dad knew about it, and she said no. That she didn't want anyone knowing, nor the whole family because then everything would be so messy and that she didnt want to hurt my dad.
And this whole time, i was just crying.
i could not get the words out of my mouth. all the things i wanted to ask her, and tell her, i could not get out.

Later today, she called me and said it was done, that she was never going to do that again and she loved us etc.
And i want to believe her so bad because i just want this whole thing to be over, but that would mean lying to my dad.
How can i live when every time i look at my dad i feel guilty.

So if anyone can help me to get the right words out, instead of just crying like a baby i would really appreciate it.

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by TwistedHell

I mean aside from time travel.. but okay, if you could and you weren't able to change the cheating, would you change that you found out? i know I wouldn't maybe that's just me

I just .... don't know how to answer that

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

I say don't confront your mother. She will always be your mother and you her child. And most definitely don't tell your father.

Your mother is an independant adult and she as such makes her own choices. You cannot tell her how to live her life.

Idk that I agree with entirely hands off in this situation. Shes in the middle of seeing two people she loves with now knowledge of one of them betraying the other. how can one not do anything about it and watch it happen?

I agree, she cannot tell her mom to stop but she can confront her and let her know that it's no longer a secret. Many times, these things keep going as long as it is successfully done in the dark. Once the light is shed on it, makes it hard to keep going as it has been. AT that point her mother has to make the choice, no one can tell her how to handle it but this could be the catalyst for it being brought to light, hopefully to her father and whatever else needs to follow.

I could not stand by the sidelines watching friends, family, loved ones of any kind betraying another secretly without saying something. In my own mind that's as bad as enabling them to continue and being a contributor to the deception itself.

[highnrg1]

I think you had a positive outcome by how you handled things (at least it appears that way for now). Over time, things will show themselves. If what your mom is saying is true (and I truly hope that it is), then this could be a wonderful thing. Her response was not angry, defensive etc. and to me, that's a very good response. I know you feel like you lost trust in your mom. But if what she's saying is the truth, please give her the chance to at least try to earn back your trust. As for sharing with your dad at this point, that would destroy any possibility for your mom to earn back your trust and likely could be very damaging. Believe it or not, if things turn out poorly in the end, your dad might actually associate you (because you were the one to share the news) with the situation and he may be really angry and hurt by that.
I would say that you confronted this in a calm, respectful manner and received a positive response. Now keep on that path and let your mom try to earn back your trust and let things play out. Try not to hyper examine her life and try to let go of your feelings of violation on behalf of your dad. Both you and he WILL find out, over time, whether your mom is telling the truth or not.
Try not to carry this burden for your parents right now (so much easier said than done, I know) and give it some time. You seem like you were able to filter through everyone's advice to make a plan that seemed to work. Keep thinking like that and don't act impulsively before you make any further decisions about this and please keep us posted.

[bsamm27]

Originally Posted by highnrg1

I think you had a positive outcome by how you handled things (at least it appears that way for now). Over time, things will show themselves. If what your mom is saying is true (and I truly hope that it is), then this could be a wonderful thing. Her response was not angry, defensive etc. and to me, that's a very good response. I know you feel like you lost trust in your mom. But if what she's saying is the truth, please give her the chance to at least try to earn back your trust. As for sharing with your dad at this point, that would destroy any possibility for your mom to earn back your trust and likely could be very damaging. Believe it or not, if things turn out poorly in the end, your dad might actually associate you (because you were the one to share the news) with the situation and he may be really angry and hurt by that.
I would say that you confronted this in a calm, respectful manner and received a positive response. Now keep on that path and let your mom try to earn back your trust and let things play out. Try not to hyper examine her life and try to let go of your feelings of violation on behalf of your dad. Both you and he WILL find out, over time, whether your mom is telling the truth or not.
Try not to carry this burden for your parents right now (so much easier said than done, I know) and give it some time. You seem like you were able to filter through everyone's advice to make a plan that seemed to work. Keep thinking like that and don't act impulsively before you make any further decisions about this and please keep us posted.

Thank you for your response. This gives me reassurance. It's just really hard to look her in the eye. And I'm trying so hard to be my normal self around my family.