[rdgrad15]

I've always wondered how to know whether or not a time is appropriate to turn down someone's request to do something for you. I know it may sound weird, but there are times where I actually don't like it when people offer to do some things for me, mainly because I feel like they will secretly regret it later or resent having to do so. Like, they will offer to pay for something or do something else, but then later on, wish they hadn't done so or secretly wish I had declined.

The reason for this was due to past experiences. For a SGA organization outing years ago, I was invited along to hang out for some ice cream. I actually declined at first since I didn't have a car, and still don't. But they really insisted on taking me anyway. I went along for the ride, but once the school year ended, I was told that it was all done out of politeness and I never should have gone, which made me feel guilty since I didn't listen to my gut and also wish they had been more honest in the beginning.

Another time, in a similar scenario, for a LIFE Fellowship outing just a few years back, a group of us were going to nearby Burger King to get some food while having a small meeting to discuss the upcoming semester. The sponsor for the Fellowship meeting offered to pay for just drinks for everyone, but we were allowed to get whatever food we wanted as long as we paid for ourselves. I decided to get a burger and a small bottle of coke. The total would have been close to five dollars, but she would have only paid for like a dollar for the coke. Not bad in my opinion.

When she saw I was going to buy that, she flipped. She asked if I was really going to buy those things. I said yes and didn't think she would care since I was obviously going to pay for the burger. For some reason, she got mad, took my wallet away from me out of frustration or something, and said she would pay for the whole thing. The whole thing came to around 5 dollars or so.

I wasn't going to make her pay for the burger, I was just about to pay for it myself. So I don't know what went wrong there. She wound up paying for it and that was it. I felt guilty afterwards and felt like maybe I shouldn't have ordered at all. From that point on, anytime there was an outing and I went along, I would actually secretly eat some food in the cafeteria before even meeting up to head out.

I felt that maybe I wasn't supposed to order food with them after all or maybe I misheard or misunderstood something. A couple times, I didn't even go along because I was afraid of that happening again. I felt bad but at the same time, wondered if she was secretly wishing she didn't have to do it. I felt guilty since I felt she was doing it out of obligation.

I now wonder how to decide when it is okay to politely decline someone to do something polite. I find myself doing it more often now since I always worry people are secretly hoping I will decline. Is there something wrong maybe I am doing or do people tend to regret their politeness more often that I thought? Just confused and not sure if declining people's offers more often than I used to is the right thing to do or not.

I was just getting ready to hand over my card to pay for my order whenever she did that so that is why I sometimes wonder if she felt obligated to pay for everyone's drinks and she just snapped and took it out on me. Same with other people, I sometimes wonder when people offer to do nice things, if it is more appropriate to decline more often than I thought. I am like this towards everyone now, unless someone just keeps on insisting without giving up, I will politely decline someone's offer.

[Bill3]

With something like the Burger King example, my suggestion would be to ask the person about it when they are calm. "You were really upset with me yesterday and I am wondering what I might have done wrong or if I misunderstood the plan."

I don't think you should just, from now on and for the rest of your life, decline when people offer you to help. I think you should take them at their word and assume that when they offer to help it is because they want to help. If they have a change of heart later on that is their problem and their growth opportunity. Idon't think they typically will. And if later on something goes wrong and there is friction then I think you should discuss it with them when they are calm.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Bill3

With something like the Burger King example, my suggestion would be to ask the person about it when they are calm. "You were really upset with me yesterday and I am wondering what I might have done wrong or if I misunderstood the plan."

I don't think you should just, from now on and for the rest of your life, decline when people offer you to help. I think you should take them at their word and assume that when they offer to help it is because they want to help. If they have a change of heart later on that is their problem and their growth opportunity. Idon't think they typically will. And if later on something goes wrong and there is friction then I think you should discuss it with them when they are calm.

Makes sense. I just hate feeling like people secretly expect me to say no when offering to do something nice since it seemed as if that was the case in the past. As for the burger king situation, yeah I will have to ask what I did next time since I felt like it was sudden and uncalled for.

Maybe I misunderstood something but she could have been politer. Oh well. Yeah with her, from that point on, I always ate before an outing especially if she was paying for us just so she would not get angry again. I also wondered if maybe she also just did not like me.

Yes. Sometimes we don't know what to do out there in the real world.

I agree with Bill here of course. Don't let a couple of bad occasions change you. Sometimes (a lot of the time) stuff is on them...and you are acting perfectly appropriately. It would be sad for them to influence your future self in a negative way, I think.

Also, for people like you and me (yeah we have self-esteem issues I think, unless I am reading you wrong here) things are more emotional. We worry we may be offending a lot and we try to act a certain way "just in case". Sadly, I don't know how to improve myself in this area (although some people here have helped me more than they know)....To me, it's one of the toughest things to do. But awareness is the first step.

I let the person know that while their offer is great, I don't need the help at this time - can I have a raincheque on that?

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Yes. Sometimes we don't know what to do out there in the real world.

I agree with Bill here of course. Don't let a couple of bad occasions change you. Sometimes (a lot of the time) stuff is on them...and you are acting perfectly appropriately. It would be sad for them to influence your future self in a negative way, I think.

Also, for people like you and me (yeah we have self-esteem issues I think, unless I am reading you wrong here) things are more emotional. We worry we may be offending a lot and we try to act a certain way "just in case". Sadly, I don't know how to improve myself in this area (although some people here have helped me more than they know)....To me, it's one of the toughest things to do. But awareness is the first step.

Yeah it may be part of self esteem but it has more to do with others. I feel like I am actually thinking more about how others feel rather than myself. I'd much rather decline an offer to spare them the inconvience than risk making them mad. You are right, I do act certain ways, just in case.

Yeah I really don't want to stop accepting offers but sometimes I think of it. Yes it can be a self esteem issue but I just think if it as I am at least thinking about other people rather than just myself. But yeah, even though I am way more cautious, I still do accept offers at times. And when I do, I now offer something in return no matter who it is. It could be a friend or someone with authority who may be doing something polite because it is the person's job.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

I let the person know that while their offer is great, I don't need the help at this time - can I have a raincheque on that?

Yeah I've done that many times lately. Unless they keep pushing the issue or I desperately am in need of help. In that case, I will find a way to repay that offer to avoid any kind of resentment or eliminate any feelings of regret or second thoughts from the person who made the initial offer.

this would be an awkward situation for me for sure.

i would just tell her that you're paying for yourself and leave it at that if it is making you uncomfortable.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Anna72914

this would be an awkward situation for me for sure.

i would just tell her that you're paying for yourself and leave it at that if it is making you uncomfortable.

Yeah it is. I started being more assertive about it more now.