[beta]

I need help. I started a relationship, which is going to be mostly long-distance with a man who has bipolar. I am absolutely mad about him. The problem is that it feels like he doesn't care. And not only that he doesn't care but that he wants to show me how little he cares and wants to tease me and make me suffer. He wasn't writing to me and I explained that it's important for me in a long-distance to know I am not the only one who is trying to keep in touch and I need him to write to me fro time to time to show he thinks of me and cares. He initially ignored me and said I was trying to impose some sort of routine and regiment on the relationship. I was feeling hurt but also worrying I might be too needy and suggested we put things on hold until we meet. He then said he will starting writing that we are in this together. Only, he didn't. Then he started posting on social media romantic confessions about having some nostalgia about past loves. I felt like I can't be in this if I feel like he is ignoring my emotions and also putting on display his feelings for other women - whether he really feels this or it is just a pose. I wrote a very angry message calling it quits. But I can't stop thinking of him. Even though it looks like he is playing a power game with me and wants to show me he doesn't care but also to evoke some sort of emotional reaction in me. So, I restricted his access to my social media in order to block the behaviour I don't like - commenting on my posts but never sending me messages to say Hi and ask how I am. He found out very quickly, got angry and blocked me. Now I go on and on in my head trying to figure out if I could have done it in a different way. If it would be different if I had kept my cool and not get upset and just not care too much. I feel somehow guilty that it ended. But in my head I know that he would have found another way to upset me and have emotional control over me - like saying he thinks of hurting himself when I am not 100% dedicated to him at hat moment, or denying he had been flirting with me for months before I took the first step. But it is all so confusing because I still love him, despite knowing he is a selfish unstable man, who will never really acknowledge and respect my emotional needs.

[s4ndm4n2006]

His behavior has absolutely zero to do with bipolar.

That is more of an anti social related personality behavior.

Bipolar in no way makes anyone apathetic, mean or downright nasty as this person seems to be. he sounds like he is angry at something. What he is doing says nothing about being in love with you or even wanting an intimate personal relationship with you. He sounds manipulative and passive aggressive and I have no idea why he is doing what he does but it's not out of wanting to be with you, it seems to be more related to purposefully hurting you.

Who, goes and posts about past romances when the one they claim to be with is asking them to give more attention and affection?

Sorry you said you're "mad about him" but I fail to see what in his behavior there is to b attracted to at all. I am not sure but it seems to me that there is no logic to you being in "love" with this man that has only teased, manipulated and hurt you all this time.

Selfish is right on the nose but unstable has nothing to do with his actions, since they are seemingly deliberate.

[avlady]

you should try to not accept his behavior. why would you want to continue with this person, he is detrimental to your emotional heath. good luck

[fairydustgirl]

there was a man here on pc that was similar and he had a LOT of different issues. and was manipulative and angry as well. he would say one thing personally to me but did the same thing, posted his 'true love' for someone else in the public forums. bipolar was just one of many things he dealt with. the thing is, I have bipolar as well and people who know me love me to death. I am kind, helpful, I rarely get angry, I don't manipulate. I get sad, I get anxious, I get euphoric...I don't get hurtful or mean. So the bipolar doesn't let a person get away with bad behavior. just because you have a mental illness doesn't give license to be evil and hurt people on purpose. that is a totally different thing.
you need to get away from this man, not too hard since you are blocking each other and only talk online. and understand, that the majority of what you are feeling for him is in your head. I am so guilty of this too, my imagination is way better than the reality of whatever relationship I am in.

[beta]

Thanks for the replies! I wasn't actually sure if it could be from the bipolar and I was to some extent excusing his behaviour because I thought he might be in some delusional phase. We had amazing intellectual compatibility and chemistry and a pretty respectful friendship before this, so it was hard for me to accept he was being deliberately mean to me, even if it was very obvious. Thank you for the reality check. It's sad that he was trying to hurt someone who cared about him so much.

[healingme4me]

Sorry you experienced all these things. Sometimes people use their distance and computer screen to not get emotionally close to others.

Anyone that would say that regular contact in a long distance relationship doesn't matter or is "too constricting", isn't someone worth your time and energy. Imagine how it would be if local? He would probably be closed off and leaving you asking similar questions.

He can bugger off, in my opinion.



"Interrogate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

[beta]

It's really strange that I feel guilty for trying to protect myself in this situation and to put up with his behaviour. I guess it all boils down to my alcoholic father and very unstable and somehow abusive mother. It takes time to learn I deserve better and it feels like this has to be learnt every single time. It's repeating again and again. Again, thanks for the reality check.

[fairydustgirl]

Are you in therapy? If not you might find it helpful in dealing with the aftermath of your upbringing. You are deserving of a happy life with a person who loves and respects you and I do hope you find it.

[beta]

I have been a few times with varying results. CBT works best for me because I become a total wreck when I have to talk about emotions from the past and CBT is very practically oriented towards maintaining a well functioning self. I suspect I will have to try and deal with emotions at some point but it's very dangerous when you don't find the right therapist who knows what they are doing. I've had bad experience with this, it was extremely traumatising, more precisely, it felt like reliving all past traumas simultaneously and out of the blue for a few weeks and it didn't actually have a liberating effect. On the contrary - it deepened a downwards spiral that took years to get out of. Any advice about tips how to deal with past emotional traumas without going through this hell again is highly welcome