[jimmy rich]

I am discovering a sad fact that, if you try to help someone see the sickening realities of the horrible parenting they received from their obviously inadequate parents, the victim will TURN ON YOU and attempt to either punish you or at least discredit you - BUT NOT THEIR PARENTS!
My late wife just passed away and, while trying to show one of her kids how my wife had failed her and the other kid, she became extremely hysterical and jumped into all manner of abusive, irrational and utterly senseless counter attacks and vile accusations against me. She reacted as if I had said the critical things that her mother had mentioned to me! She began attacking the messenger (me) rather than the message. I thought I was doing the confused daughter a favor by sharing the truth with her. It blew my mind that she somehow decided that I, not her mother, was the bad one here! It was as though her "saint" mother would have NEVER said critical things about her kids so, I must either be LYING or trying to make trouble. I came to realize that I'd better just shut up about what my late wife shared with me and allow her kids and others in the family to remain safely lost in their ignorance and denial rather than bring out the truths that I now know.
What a lesson! I would have thought folks would appreciate the TRUTH yet I've seen over and over how so many folks prefer leaving their heads stuck in the sands of DENIAL!
Oh well.........to each his own............

[NewCommer]

Why did you say that in the first place?
Don't take wrong my question, but, if she passed away, i might keep that to myself unless it was necessary

[IrisBloom]

The desire to hang on to our illusions is strong.

You use the word 'just' passed away, does that mean it was fairly recent? If so her children will still be negotiating their own grief, regardless to how they felt about their mother they will likely be very vulnerable/sensitive at the moment as they come to terms with her passing.

[A Red Panda]

If she only recently passed away, why on earth would you share with her (I'm assuming not yours?) children the horrible stuff she has said about them? They either already knew, or they had zero reason to know as she is dead and not able to hurt them.

On the other hand, you've decided to throw salt on to open wounds either by reminding them about the sort of mother they had, or through an odd kind of torture through informing them how horrible she was.

They've had her in their lives since they were born. They know their experience with her because that's the relationship between her and them. Maybe it was horrific and they never noticed, but it was the relationship they had with her. They are likely quite upset that you are trying to ruin that relationship.

[Trippin2.0]

I would have kicked you in the nutsack if you said anything terrible about my dad just after he died.


And I'm very aware of my father's shortcomings.


It's a natural reaction.


Your reaction, to discredit a woman before her body is even cold, was however not what I deem a natural reaction.


I'm struggling to understand your motive.


You say you wanted to help, but telling children how terrible their mother was doesn't make them stop grieving.


So again. I'm stumped at your appalling and callous behavior.

[JadeAmethyst]

Ugly truth, I've heard this before, along with the other platitudes. Pretty harsh, IMO.

[Bill3]

It is almost always risky to attack someone's parent, no matter how abusive that parent may have been. A part of the child usually has remained attached to the parent, so an attack on the parent becomes an attack on the child.

[Crazy Hitch]

It's her mother. She has every right to defend her own flesh and blood. I don't believe you understand the impact on her of what you've done.

[divine1966]

What you did is pretty horrid. I am surprised her daughter didn't react worse. I'd stop any relationship with you. I have hard time comprehending why on earth one would do what you did

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[s4ndm4n2006]

If the mother has passed on, you have every opportunity now, if it is true that you are the 'good guy' to show this to the children. If truly what you say is correct than all would come to light in time. but unfortunately I fail to see that helping your children was the motive in this.

To be honest, it seems to me something has been left out. It seems to me you talk about how you were trying ot point out the failings of the mother, but leave out the context to which this conversation occurred. I would guess that this happened in the midst of an argument where you felt like you were being criticized, probably by the child or children and this was your reaction, by bashing or as you put it pointing out the failings of the mother.

Seems that this was more than likely in defense of yourself more than it was in a way to help your children somehow. How is telling your child that their mother failed them at all going to help them anyway?

The reaction as most people here have agreed with is actually pretty understandable and even acceptable if the passing of the mother were as recent as we assume here, in fact even if it weren't recent most children will react similarly.

[eskielover]

If I were the mother I would have written each child a letter for them to read AFTER my death to let them know what you said she said to you. It's always safer having it come from the person who has died then the one who is living.

That's why I'm slowly letting little things sink in with my daughter little bit & piece at a time from me about me so she will have a better understanding of what was behind everything that happened.

I'm sorry your wife didn't handle the situation better before she died either & left you to be the messenger

[divine1966]

Eskie he isn't the father. It's not appropriate

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Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I would have kicked you in the nutsack if you said anything terrible about my dad just after he died.


And I'm very aware of my father's shortcomings.


It's a natural reaction.


Your reaction, to discredit a woman before her body is even cold, was however not what I deem a natural reaction.


I'm struggling to understand your motive.


You say you wanted to help, but telling children how terrible their mother was doesn't make them stop grieving.


So again. I'm stumped at your appalling and callous behavior.

I agree! Callous immediately came to mind. You are not the victim here.

[Skeezyks]

The Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön has written: criticism without compassion can be just mean...