[leomama]

I've been in a relationship with a married narcissist for 4 years and I've had enough. He's told me for 4 years he was divorcing. In September 2015 I found out he lied. I haven't allowed him to come see me since June 2015. Today I found out he is still triangulating me and still lying to me about his relationship with his wife. I told him I was done with being his girlfriend and he could contact me after his divorce and he said he doesn't want to yet he calls me his soulmate, partner, love of his life. I sent him me and my daughter's phone to repair because he offered to help me out and now he won't return them to me. I'm at loss. I'm still paying off my daughter's phone and it's worth $480. I don't know what to do. I never had these kind of problems with my ex husband. I am out of my league. He is 16 years older then me . My ex husband was only 4 years older then me. I feel trapped so think I'm going to have to cut my losses because I don't know what else to do. Thoughts?

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[hannabee]

I know what I would do...I'd threaten to call his wife and/or his job if he didn't return my phones. You deserve better than this guy. Get your phones back and get rid of him forever. Big hug and good luck.

[Brasucasulu]

Dump his and never look back. I won't even ask for the phone. You deserve much better than this loser.

[Crazy Hitch]

Don't play with a married man. You knew he wasn't yet divorced so that is unfortunately the risk you took entering this relationship.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

Don't play with a married man. You knew he wasn't yet divorced so that is unfortunately the risk you took entering this relationship.

Tell him that.

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[leomama]

Originally Posted by hannabee

I know what I would do...I'd threaten to call his wife and/or his job if he didn't return my phones. You deserve better than this guy. Get your phones back and get rid of him forever. Big hug and good luck.

I texted and emailed her yesterday. He says she would send me my phones. He lied.

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[leomama]

Originally Posted by Brasucasulu

Dump his and never look back. I won't even ask for the phone. You deserve much better than this loser.

Ok!

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[divine1966]

Honestly the only person I feel bad here for is his wife. When you choose to sleep with married men you unfortunately get in to all kind of mess

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[leomama]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Honestly the only person I feel bad here for is his wife. When you choose to sleep with married men you unfortunately get in to all kind of mess

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Did I say I was sleeping with him? His wife told me she wants nothing more then to divorce him. Nevertheless I let him know the opinion of this forum.

I have values too and as soon as I found out he lied to me about filing for divorce I ended the romantic relationship.

I took him at his word that he was filing as she did move out.

It was not in my nature to check up on people.

I used to take people at their word, if they said they were going to do something I believed they were going to do it.

I am not in the wrong here. I have not seen this man in over a year. We are just friends now and have been for over a year.

At any rate I have received advice about the phones. I see a couple of people are still blaming me. I recognize as soon as you mention "married man" some people have very strong opinions despite the fact they haven't lived together in 4 years and they say they want to divorce.

I'm not responsible for their lies.

I'm not responsible for him calling me his soul mate, love of his life, true love.

It wasn't my job to check up on his legal activities.

There was no way for me to know someone would even lie about something about that.

[thom2297]

I would cut my losses and run kiddo. Run like hell. It is a really bad scene to be emotionally attached to a married man.

[divine1966]

Ok I stand corrected. When you said you had a relationship with a married man for 4 years. It's only natural to think it was romantic and involved intimacy. Since it turns out now you were never sleeping with him, you can call it platonic friendship rather than relationship. I am not sure why you sent phones to him if you knew he is a liar. If he lied about his marriage he is very likely to lie about other stuff

Unfortunately some married people lie about their divorce or separation so they can score some. That's why my suggestion to stir away from married people still stands. Better be safe than sorry

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[leomama]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Ok I stand corrected. When you said you had a relationship with a married man for 4 years. It's only natural to think it was romantic and involved intimacy. Since it turns out now you were never sleeping with him, you can call it platonic friendship rather than relationship. I am not sure why you sent phones to him if you knew he is a liar. If he lied about his marriage he is very likely to lie about other stuff

Unfortunately some married people lie about their divorce or separation so they can score some. That's why my suggestion to stir away from married people still stands. Better be safe than sorry

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We were in a relationship for three years until I found he lied about filing for divorce. Since this was only the second relationship ever in my life I didn't know a whole lot going into it. I don't date. Now we are in a platonic friendship. I sent my phones to him because he has been helpful in the past .

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[leomama]

Originally Posted by thom2297

I would cut my losses and run kiddo. Run like hell. It is a really bad scene to be emotionally attached to a married man.

Thanks thom, I'm not, he is. I do enjoy his friendship however so that's why I let it go on so long on the platonic level after I found out he lied about filing. The consensus is he is free to call me once he files and that is the position I am finally able to take after one year .

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[divine1966]

You still want to be with him( after he files for divorce) even after he isn't returning your phones to you? You still want him to call you and enjoy friendship even though he lied and continues lying ( now about the phone)? I am confused. Do you not think you deserve better?

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[leomama]

Originally Posted by divine1966

You still want to be with him( after he files for divorce) even after he isn't returning your phones to you? You still want him to call you and enjoy friendship even though he lied and continues lying ( now about the phone)? I am confused. Do you not think you deserve better?

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He's extremely immature and is holding on to the phones because he thinks I "took our relationship hostage". He will return them when he wants to not when I want him to. I blocked his number so he can't call. I only communicate with him through Facebook messenger, Facebook and chats now. Better in a friend?

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[MistressStayc]

A friend would return your phones when you asked him to not when he wanted to. I do not think he deserves your friendship after all this. Sorry, I wish I had some advice on how to get the phones back short of filing a police report but at this point I think that would be your only option.

[Crazy Hitch]

Why have they not lived together for 4 years yet still remain legally married? *redflag* right there

[divine1966]

You have to learn to love yourself more. I can't imagine wanting to be friends with anyone who holds on to my expensive things and doesn't give them back.

Yes I mean you deserve better in a friend. What kind of friend is that? Are you in therapy? If not it might help you to work on your self esteem. He disrespected you as so called romantic partner and now disrespect you as a so called friend. But you still want to be friends and possibly more when he filed for divorce. I really don't understand why don't you want to be more selective and value yourself more?

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[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

Why have they not lived together for 4 years yet still remain legally married? *redflag* right there

That's the excuse some cheaters use " we are separated" "we are divorcing", anything to get into someone's pants. People are either married or they aren't, it's no matter where they live and why.

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[ecoaster]

His actions do not match his words. Promising divorce for 4 years with no divorce is ridiculous. If he hasn't by now, its not likely to change.
Is he emotionally, financially or physically supportive? Why have you remained in a relationship with so much dishonesty?

[leomama]

Originally Posted by MistressStayc

A friend would return your phones when you asked him to not when he wanted to. I do not think he deserves your friendship after all this. Sorry, I wish I had some advice on how to get the phones back short of filing a police report but at this point I think that would be your only option.

He has either bpd, npd, or Aspergers. You're right, he's not acting like a friend. Unfortunately he lives in another state. I was also told to just let them go. My daughter tells me he told her I will have them by Wednesday. Since that is the day I will own my phone I can wait until then because if I have not received them I will have to finance a new phone and give her my old phone.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by ecoaster

His actions do not match his words. Promising divorce for 4 years with no divorce is ridiculous. If he hasn't by now, its not likely to change.
Is he emotionally, financially or physically supportive? Why have you remained in a relationship with so much dishonesty?

He has been emotionally and financially supportive when he's not dysregulated. He and his wife own a business together and she told me she wanted to file business bankruptcy before she filed for divorce however the fact that he could tell me he would have her mail me my phones did not sit right with me. Then when I asked her about it she thought I wanted her help with my relationship with her husband. I was like no, all I wanted to know is if your husband indeed gave you my phones. Then I found out from him that she had sent him the email I had sent her where he said he gave my phones to her. This is not the first time this has happened.

He had told me he lived in a foreign country without her she had told me he had not, then she told me that he told her I was lying when I told her that he said he lived in a foreign country without her! That was so shocking I got diagnosed with lightheadedness. The consequence of yesterday's fiasco is I fell off my bike.

Yet he still tells me he loves me, he wants to marry me when he gets his house in order, that now its going to be the middle of October, that I am his soulmate.

In the past people have told me his high level of fantasy indicates a serious mental illness.

He meets with his therapist next Friday.

I found he even lied to me about DBT not being in his city. I looked it up and there was a whole page of DBT therapists.

I have lie upon lie he has told me.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

Why have they not lived together for 4 years yet still remain legally married? *redflag* right there

They had a business together and she said she didn't want to be stuck with the debt. He says he's filing 9-15. I said he could call me then. In the meantime he and my daughter told me he would give her the tracking number so we will see. Yes there are numerous red flags , that is the consensus too. I've been learning about the red flags of a narcissist . I've identified many: #rushed intimacy, #good listener, #overly dependent on me, #chronic liar, #controlling, #cheating, #incredibly intelligent, #poor financial management , #religious stories, and more.

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[leomama]

Originally Posted by divine1966

You have to learn to love yourself more. I can't imagine wanting to be friends with anyone who holds on to my expensive things and doesn't give them back.

Yes I mean you deserve better in a friend. What kind of friend is that? Are you in therapy? If not it might help you to work on your self esteem. He disrespected you as so called romantic partner and now disrespect you as a so called friend. But you still want to be friends and possibly more when he filed for divorce. I really don't understand why don't you want to be more selective and value yourself more?

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I've been in therapy many times and am back. I am the adult child of disordered parents and that is why you can not understand my behavior. I'm working on it. I said I would talk to him after he divorces. I didn't say I wanted romance. There are things about him I like. His wife told me not to allow myself to depend on him and I'll be fine so I won't.

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[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by leomama

Did I say I was sleeping with him? His wife told me she wants nothing more then to divorce him. Nevertheless I let him know the opinion of this forum.

I have values too and as soon as I found out he lied to me about filing for divorce I ended the romantic relationship.

I took him at his word that he was filing as she did move out.

It was not in my nature to check up on people.

I used to take people at their word, if they said they were going to do something I believed they were going to do it.

I am not in the wrong here. I have not seen this man in over a year. We are just friends now and have been for over a year.

At any rate I have received advice about the phones. I see a couple of people are still blaming me. I recognize as soon as you mention "married man" some people have very strong opinions despite the fact they haven't lived together in 4 years and they say they want to divorce.

I'm not responsible for their lies.

I'm not responsible for him calling me his soul mate, love of his life, true love.

It wasn't my job to check up on his legal activities.

There was no way for me to know someone would even lie about something about that.

You ARE aware that you should never start a relationship with a man who is separated until AFTER the divorce is finalized? I know you're angry and hurt, I get that, but the bottom line is, we all make mistakes. Learn from this and move on.