[Cheerchix79]

I think it's over. I've been married for 10 years, have 2 small kids and I'm considering divorce. What brought me to this conclusion? Well, our 10 years has some happy memories, but as I look back most of it seems like it was a series of fighting and making up and fighting and making up. We recently went to counseling for about 9 months, and it seemed to have a positive effect on our relationship and helped see the love beneath the rubble but not long after we were back at square one. Frankly I'm tired and emotionally worn out. Bit of relationship background, my husband was found to be unfaithful to me over the course my 2 pregnancies. This was devastating and i don't think we ever fully recovered. He went to sex addiction counseling and I went to support therapy. 4.5 years post trauma, we've moved cities, started a new life, have good jobs, the kids are happy and settled. My trust and feelings for him never fully came back. We tried, damn it we tried but strife and bitterness always seemed to rear its ugly head. Most recently we have been short with one another. He works 14 hours days 6-7 days/week during the summer and I am working full time as well. We got In a fight about something small 2 weeks ago and it has snowballed out of control. He has decided that he is not happy to come home to me anymore, so he has been out late nights with coworkers till 3-4am and didn't come home until 8-9am a couple times. I found out he went out for dinner with a female ex coworker behind my back. I'm not happy with any of this and frankly after all these years of work we are still at this place. I don't think I have it in me to keep going. We are at a stand off. I'm saying his behavior is unacceptable and he is saying he is sick of never being forgiven and judged from me. I'm at a loss, I just don't think I have it in me anymore.

[Bill3]

It sounds like you have really tried to forgive him and move on, but infidelity during two pregnancies has been awfully hard to forgive and get past.

(((((Cheerchix79)))))

[Skeezyks]

Hello Cheerchix79: This appears to be your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

I agree with Bill.

I would divorce him if I were in your shoes. Thinking of you.

People who have read my posts here know that I have zero tolerance for lies and affairs...Perhaps that is my problem to fix or not, I don't know.

I think you tried more than I ever would and I admire you for that.

Hugs to you.

[divine1966]

Hugs and best of luck and think leaving him is the right choice here

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[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by Cheerchix79

I think it's over. I've been married for 10 years, have 2 small kids and I'm considering divorce. What brought me to this conclusion? Well, our 10 years has some happy memories, but as I look back most of it seems like it was a series of fighting and making up and fighting and making up. We recently went to counseling for about 9 months, and it seemed to have a positive effect on our relationship and helped see the love beneath the rubble but not long after we were back at square one. Frankly I'm tired and emotionally worn out. Bit of relationship background, my husband was found to be unfaithful to me over the course my 2 pregnancies. This was devastating and i don't think we ever fully recovered. He went to sex addiction counseling and I went to support therapy. 4.5 years post trauma, we've moved cities, started a new life, have good jobs, the kids are happy and settled. My trust and feelings for him never fully came back. We tried, damn it we tried but strife and bitterness always seemed to rear its ugly head. Most recently we have been short with one another. He works 14 hours days 6-7 days/week during the summer and I am working full time as well. We got In a fight about something small 2 weeks ago and it has snowballed out of control. He has decided that he is not happy to come home to me anymore, so he has been out late nights with coworkers till 3-4am and didn't come home until 8-9am a couple times. I found out he went out for dinner with a female ex coworker behind my back. I'm not happy with any of this and frankly after all these years of work we are still at this place. I don't think I have it in me to keep going. We are at a stand off. I'm saying his behavior is unacceptable and he is saying he is sick of never being forgiven and judged from me. I'm at a loss, I just don't think I have it in me anymore.

IMO, the real tragedy in your story is how extremely damaging all of this is or will be to your innocent, defenseless kids. I'd be figuring out how to spare your kids from the mental/emotional damages that all of this is doing to them and then your course of action will be OBVIOUS.

We recently went to counseling for about 9 months, and it seemed to have a positive effect on our relationship and helped see the love beneath the rubble but not long after we were back at square one.

It always blows my mind that these "therapists" cannot seem to help folks learn some good, dependable relationship skills to keep their relationship healthy and productive. IMO, you should have gone looking for a BETTER therapist - for the sake of your kids if nothing else!
All I can say is, your kids are the victims and losers here and the sooner you do what is right FOR THEM - the better. God help your poor little kids!!!!

[Moogieotter]

How is he with the children? Any daughters?

Sorry you are struggling. Welcome to PC!

moogs

[Cheerchix79]

He is great with the kids, He loves them very much. We have a 5 year old daughter and 9 year old boy

Originally Posted by Moogieotter

How is he with the children? Any daughters?

Sorry you are struggling. Welcome to PC!

moogs

[hannabee]

I stayed with a liar for the sake of my kids and I do not regret it one bit. Kids are grown and gone and I can't find the courage to leave him now either. I'm sorry this is happening to you and I hope you find the right course of action for you and your family.

[Moogieotter]

Originally Posted by Cheerchix79

He is great with the kids, He loves them very much. We have a 5 year old daughter and 9 year old boy

There are many facts to consider before committing to a divorce path. I can share my experience as needed.

In simple terms, I would get all of the facts about finances, income, etc. and pay a divorce lawyer for one hour of consult (~$250) and just start understand the actual practical steps and considerations for the process. This is going to very greatly state to state, but the advice will be worth it so that you can set yourself up for success post-divorce.

Good luck and let me know what you would like to hear from my divorce in Georgia from 2011. Thanks,

moogs

[Cheerchix79]

I would love to hear your personal experience. I know there is a lot to consider, it's not as simple as just deciding to leave your marriage. I live in Chicago and all my family is in Canada, so I have virtually no family help here. Maybe 1-2 friends I could call on for help if needed. I plan in staying in Chicago for my kids and to not complicate matters, but this is all very scary.

Feel free to PM me, i would love to hear your story.

Originally Posted by Moogieotter

There are many facts to consider before committing to a divorce path. I can share my experience as needed.

In simple terms, I would get all of the facts about finances, income, etc. and pay a divorce lawyer for one hour of consult (~$250) and just start understand the actual practical steps and considerations for the process. This is going to very greatly state to state, but the advice will be worth it so that you can set yourself up for success post-divorce.

Good luck and let me know what you would like to hear from my divorce in Georgia from 2011. Thanks,

moogs

[Cheerchix79]

Originally Posted by hannabee

I stayed with a liar for the sake of my kids and I do not regret it one bit. Kids are grown and gone and I can't find the courage to leave him now either. I'm sorry this is happening to you and I hope you find the right course of action for you and your family.

You don't regret it? Can you tell me why? Not judging just want to hear your story and experience. You would think it would be easier to leave once the kids are grown but I guess that is not always the case

[hannabee]

Originally Posted by Cheerchix79

You don't regret it? Can you tell me why? Not judging just want to hear your story and experience. You would think it would be easier to leave once the kids are grown but I guess that is not always the case

I came from a really broken dysfunctional home and I was not going to do that to my kids. I did what I needed to do to keep the family together and my children turned out well, are college educated with great jobs and married really nice (and different) men than my husband.

There is no point in leaving now, I will just give up a comfortable life and I'm too old to do that. Maybe in my next life things will go better...one can hope anyway.

[divine1966]

I don't think one needs to stay in bad marriage or otherwise kids will not grow up well. That's not true

I divorced my husband when our daughter was 4. She is in her late twenties has graduate degree and professional career and is very happily married. She never had unhealthy relationship with drama because she never observed any. I was happily single until just recent remarrying and my ex is happily married. My daughter didn't observe bad marriage.

My parents on the other hand stayed in
not so good marriage which resulted in me and my brother having no good model of a relationship.

Kids always know what's going on. Don't stay for the sake of the kids. They will not know how good life looks like and might potentially have bad marriages themselves

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[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Cheerchix79

I found out he went out for dinner with a female ex coworker behind my back.

You've gone over and above what you had to do and tried to forgive him. You tried and even went to counseling with him and tried to move on. You've gone far beyond what even I think I could do for a cheating spouse.

On top of this, it's not about not being able to get past it, to be honest, I don't think he ever changed. The above statement says so. Thing is you may have been trying but he was more than likely putting on the act to try and "get better" in order to keep you from leaving, and likely he was never actually going to stop being the way he is.

His true colors have come through. Him trying to blame you as if he "doesn't want to come home" anymore is bullsh*** and just a cover up for being caught again. He knows he can't cover it up anymore so is trying to make you out to be the bad guy here and frankly he makes me sick.

Move on. don't blink, don't even think. Just get out. You have more than enough evidence that things will continue the way they are, at best and at worst, it will deteriorate further.

[healingme4me]

Sounds like he's not doing the work here, which doesn't truly set the example of upholding the vows. Staying out until all hours, meeting up with women. Justifying his choices by playing off your understandable resentment when he needs to reestablish trust and commitment.

Does sound like you both put in some incredible amount of work hours. Is that adding to retirement years or to keep up with the bills? I ask because parents influence children in financial matters. Would you be able to model healthy financial behavior if divorced?

A consult is worth the time. Here you get 30minute consultations for free, as you search around.

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