[TishaBuv]

One of my FB friends just tagged me in a Love Your Spouse Challenge, where you post a photo of you and your spouse for 5 days! Little does she know about how dysfunctional we are! I posted our photo and said I love my spouse!

If I do that every day, maybe we can stop this insanity.

[Trippin2.0]

Pretty pictures can't change years of dysfunction...

I don't do FB but I'll go tell my boyfriend I love him.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Pretty pictures can't change years of dysfunction...

Nobody knows what's behind the white picket fence.

[Trippin2.0]

I wasn't talking about others.


I was talking about you and your husband.


Personally I don't give a ratsass what ppl on FB think, or people in general for that matter.



I was replying to your "if I do that everyday, maybe we can stop this insanity" comment....

[TishaBuv]

If I focus on what's right and good about him, maybe things can get better.

[Trippin2.0]

Ignoring the bad doesn't make it non existent.


But if you're actively choosing to stick your head in the sand, I wont presume to tell you its the wrong choice.


Your life, your choice, your consequences.

[TishaBuv]

What's up with how I turned my mind around like that? From all I've been reading about MI and disorders, nothing has addressed anything like that. I can just change my mind? I'm scared of myself.

Well, it feels good to feel relaxed and not worrying about a divorce. I decided I'm still going to stay where I am at. So now I am married and living in another place with my son minutes away from my husband. Whatever works.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

What's up with how I turned my mind around like that? From all I've been reading about MI and disorders, nothing has addressed anything like that. I can just change my mind? I'm scared of myself.

Well, it feels good to feel relaxed and not worrying about a divorce. I decided I'm still going to stay where I am at. So now I am married and living in another place with my son minutes away from my husband. Whatever works.

It's not uncommon for people to change their mind like you did. Change is scary and sometimes it's tempting to stay. You're used to how it is. It is hard. For me, I bit the bullet, no regrets. It isn't easy and only you know what's best for you. You have my support.

[TishaBuv]

I just took an inventory of all my posts here on PC. It's nearly one year. Most posts were about the dysfunctional marriage causing hysteria and depression, next were trying to be happy and healthy posts, next were ones about an obsessive issue of mine over an ex, and only a few were about my narcissistic mother. 32 threads over my miserable marriage! And now I am still feeling love for my h and just took him back and pray to try to repair this life.

[TishaBuv]

Every thread was about my having some expectation from him and he disappointed me because he is clueless/selfish.

Yes it's so hard because he doesn't cheat on me, he doesn't beat me. It's all emotional!

Loving my spouse IS a challenge.

Perhaps the secret to a happy marriage is to have zero expectations? (Just a redundant question to ponder).

From my experience (not personal, but from friends and family) it's not too out there to leave and go back a few times.

I hope that writing here helps to solidify whatever decision you make for yourself. It has helped me tremendously to get another point of view.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Every thread was about my having some expectation from him and he disappointed me because he is clueless/selfish.

Yes it's so hard because he doesn't cheat on me, he doesn't beat me. It's all emotional!

Loving my spouse IS a challenge.

I remember reading one where you were unhappy with the physical intimacy aspect of your marriage. He was not meeting your expectations/needs, if I recall correctly.

So if I'm understanding correctly there are several areas where needs of yours are ignored or simply not met. I'm guessing these increased gradually over time. It has become signicant enough where you had decided to end things, but now you want to stay with him. Is that a fairly accurate summation of your situation or is there more going on?

If it's about needs not being met, there's hope for improvement. Your needs would hopefully be met and you'd become closer, etc. You haven't been betrayed or abused. You mentioned emotional... any emotional abuse?

Is that the crux of it?

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Perhaps the secret to a happy marriage is to have zero expectations? (Just a redundant question to ponder).

From my experience (not personal, but from friends and family) it's not too out there to leave and go back a few times.

I hope that writing here helps to solidify whatever decision you make for yourself. It has helped me tremendously to get another point of view.

True, zero expectations = zero disappointments. But then our spouse is no different than any stranger to us.

That's where I really need someone who supposedly loves me to come through for me. My father didn't even think anything of me and cut out on us because he was MI. My mother is a piece of work.

In this marriage I have felt like I just serve him. He has acted like he really didn't need to do anything because he is the bread winner. It all comes down to me just having to kiss his ***.

I'm glad I didn't go running back to our house. I'm staying by myself at my place and not rushing anything. I don't want to go back there.

[TishaBuv]

Day 2 of Love Your Spouse Challenge-

I am not posting any more insipid photos of us on Facebook, it's obnoxious, and like Trippin, I really don't give a rat's *** what people think.

So here I'll say something nice about him-

I love that he's so smart and taught me so much.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by rainyday107

I remember reading one where you were unhappy with the physical intimacy aspect of your marriage. He was not meeting your expectations/needs, if I recall correctly.

So if I'm understanding correctly there are several areas where needs of yours are ignored or simply not met. I'm guessing these increased gradually over time. It has become signicant enough where you had decided to end things, but now you want to stay with him. Is that a fairly accurate summation of your situation or is there more going on?

If it's about needs not being met, there's hope for improvement. Your needs would hopefully be met and you'd become closer, etc. You haven't been betrayed or abused. You mentioned emotional... any emotional abuse?

Is that the crux of it?

Neglecting the physical intimacy is emotional abuse to me, as I have expressed my need for it to feel loved in every possible way. He has even admitted to me in the past that he withheld sex because he was mad that I didn't put the silverware in the drawer straight like he likes it! Then he denied ever saying that.

[fairydustgirl]

It took me several years to finally figure out I couldn't do it anymore...stay in the marriage. We would be ok, then bad, then ok again, we went to counseling, 5 times...I was having severe episodes of bipolar mania/mixed/depression twice a year for a number of years as well, so I was unable to really make decisions. I consulted a lawyer as far back as 2012 when someone informed me he was cheating...which he flatly denied and came after me as if I was at fault. I thought, if neither of us is happy, why are we married? but we went to counseling and made it another 2 years before he crossed a line I didn't know existed until it was crossed. That was May 2014...I left in Dec 2014, we tried to date in the spring of 2015..it just wasn't going to work, at that point, we both gave in, no more anger..just doing what we had to do to get the divorce moving. I initiated the divorce but it was still really hard to do. I was married 3 months shy of 30 years when the divorce was finalized and it was not what I had envisioned my life to be at my age. BUT I have been stable since I made the decision to leave. I have not had an episode since the fall of 2013 and finally stabilized in Jan 2014. It tells me for sure that it was the right thing for me to do.
I'm not saying it is what you need to do, and if you can figure out how to make your marriage work I highly encourage it. You might even expect to go back and forth in how you feel. I spent a LOT of time with my therapist, I was going once a week. Perhaps that would help you, to see your therapist as often as your insurance will allow. It sounds like your husband could also use some therapy? I have been through the lack of intimacy as well, when it did occur..it was not friendly. That last time, it was worse than that...no one should be sitting in the bathroom crying because of having sex with their husband. That was my epiphany. My last straw.
I wish you the best.

[TishaBuv]

Thank you, FDG, you support my theory that the stress from this relationship is the trigger for MI and by removing that trigger, we can return to being well!

Right now, my solution is I am sleeping in my own place. I go to 'our' house every day where our son sleeps, clean both places, and cook for all of us. There are no rules, right? I know I am very fortunate that I can afford to do this, and hopefully the expense will be a wash eventually. You've heard of couples who need separate bedrooms... How about a couple who needs separate houses?

Day 3 of the challenge:

I love that my husband is willing to do chick things with me like watch The Bachelor.

[TishaBuv]

Day 4 of the challenge : I love that my h doesn't rub my face in my own messy mistakes.

There was a bad storm the night before last. My son told me he was up all night and scared from it. My h said he didn't even hear it and slept right through.

I felt very bad that I am putting my son's safety at risk by not being in the house with him. So I moved back home and slept in the house with h last night.

We were able to cancel most of the expenses I incurred. So now I feel I was just manic and I feel ashamed that I pulled yet another stunt trying to run away and came back with my tail between my legs.

Ok, maybe I'm Borderline, Bipolar, Disordered, whatever...

Then we get ready for bed last night and he starts with the half-aszed attempt at sexual initiation, making that awkward, phoney face that he makes that sets me off into an anxiety attack. I told him nicely to let it go and that I'd feel better tomorrow .

I know you all don't know what to say to me anymore besides get professional help. I'm sorry to be so annoying. I guess I just like writing it out to see it transpire before my eyes.

I know how messed up this is, and looking back on one year of documenting this is so disturbing.

I can't bring myself to go to yet another therapist.

[TishaBuv]

You know what? I'm not ready to come back. He has to learn to stop doing the behavior that is triggering me.

I'm going back to where I was staying, and now I had the TV and Internet turned off.

I can make my son come there with me and we both go there just to sleep until my h learns to stop triggering me.

[TishaBuv]

I am an expert negotiator. That's what I do for my job as an agent. Relationships are a negotiation. That's what this is. Either he stops doing what drives me crazy or we don't have a deal!

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

You know what? I'm not ready to come back. He has to learn to stop doing the behavior that is triggering me.

I'm going back to where I was staying, and now I had the TV and Internet turned off.

I can make my son come there with me and we both go there just to sleep until my h learns to stop triggering me.

On this, I agree that I think you may be doing the right thing. just judging from how you feel and how things are going at home, I think you should separate for now at the very least. whether you go back ever or not will have to be seen but when it comes to the incident with your child, if you go back to keep or make your son feel safe and secure I see nothing wrong in that but going back does not have to be an all or nothing thing. Also having your son come to you isn't a bad idea either in those cases and might be the solution. I dunno if you're bpd bp or what combination of acronyms describing disorders or mental illness but I think what matters in my mind is that the relationship is unhealthy.

To be honest, the relationship could either be the cause of some of the seemingly pd/mi related symptoms or at the very least exacerbating existing ones. I see you finding your independence of the relationship as only being a good thing, even if ultimately you get back together. You're very enmeshed in the dysfunction of the relationship and without getting distance from it, you cannot even come close to making an objective decision on how to go forward.

I fully stand behind you on your decision to continue living separate

[TishaBuv]

Final day of the challenge: I do love him and feel hopeful.

However, I am sleeping in a different house. This has been a dysfunctional roller coaster that has never gotten better, only worse. (Well, at least I am not suicidal anymore)

I cried yesterday from the frustration of him again gas lighting me by acting like he had no idea he was doing the exact behavior that triggers me, that I have confronted him about countless times before. He keeps acting like its the first time he's heard it!

The bottom line is his approach makes me feel forced, phoney, uncomfortable, and anxious. Can you imagine trying to communicate the same thing to someone for years and years and they just don''t understand you no matter how you use your words?

So why am I hopeful? Simply because he says he loves me and wants to stay married. I guess I don't see any future for me in any other direction than to keep dredging through this merky mud forever. I am just exhausted and so thankful I have somewhere to run to sleep in peace.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Final day of the challenge: I do love him and feel hopeful.

However, I am sleeping in a different house. This has been a dysfunctional roller coaster that has never gotten better, only worse. (Well, at least I am not suicidal anymore)

I cried yesterday from the frustration of him again gas lighting me by acting like he had no idea he was doing the exact behavior that triggers me, that I have confronted him about countless times before. He keeps acting like its the first time he's heard it!

The bottom line is his approach makes me feel forced, phoney, uncomfortable, and anxious. Can you imagine trying to communicate the same thing to someone for years and years and they just don''t understand you no matter how you use your words?

So why am I hopeful? Simply because he says he loves me and wants to stay married. I guess I don't see any future for me in any other direction than to keep dredging through this merky mud forever. I am just exhausted and so thankful I have somewhere to run to sleep in peace.

After all that you've said I don't understand your statement about being hopeful and it's hard to believe you would think that his words saying "I love you" mean much. Love, to me is what you do. It is how you treat, respect, comfort and support your spouse or loved one. Saying the words does nothing to negate all the negative behavior and unsupportive actions he carries out. "gaslighting" is the opposite of love. Pretending that you don't understand in order to avoid having to deal that which is right in front of you as a problem, after years of being reminded what is expected is not love. It is selfishness pure and simple. His saying he wants to stay married also, is, selfish. Of course he wants to stay married to the woman that has enabled him to be the king of inaction for so many years. He has been given a comfortable place to be lazy in his relationship and the longer he keeps being able to do it, the more he will continue to not change. why change? Why bother doing anything? he's taken care of, you're there, he keeps the kids and the wife but doesn't have to work for it! Of course he wants to stay married. If you left hell he'd have to figure out how to be on his own for once and take responsibility.

I'm sorry to be so blunt but what you're going through is not real emotion, it's conflict in yourself when I feel that deep down you know everything is way wrong but you have some strong conviction, I dn't know what it is, that if you change things, leave or hold him accountable something entirely worse will happen.

You're an enabler in a codependent relationship.

I cannot tell you that you're wrong or right in staying but I can say I hope you're ok with it staying exactly as it is and you are able to find happiness in it, as it is because it's likely never going to change on his end. You've done nothing to give him motivation to do so.

I say, if He LOVES YOU SO MUCH, make him prove it. He may but he takes it for granted you believe him. Don't let him do that anymore. Please stand up for yourself.

[MrMoose]

I hate hate hate hate hate that constant nagging fear that today might be the day that my wife and I go far down that separation and divorce road that there's no turning back, despite the fact that that journey might be ten years of hell. I hear what you are saying that sometimes it's just easier to stay focused on the positive.
Also, it's great that you looked over your old posts to pick out patternssmart move!