[Meeshellmybelle]

Hello, I'm new and not sure if this is the correct place to post. I'm having family issues with my half siblings.

Let' see, a little (but will probably be lengthy) background...I hope I can be clear and concise...

I'm a 47yr old female, the only child between my mother and father. Both of my parents were married and divorced prior to their marriage to each other and had three children. My dad, two sons and a daughter, my mom, two daughters and a son. My half siblings are all considerably older than me, my oldest sister on my moms side is 67, my youngest brother on my dads side is 57.

Plain and simple, I was raised an only child. My siblings did not live with my parents and I, they were either attending college or were living with their other parent. I would see them occasionally throughout the year, Christmas, extended family picnics, weddings, funerals, etc. For a while, my oldest sister was a bit of a second mother to me, taking care of me when my parents would go away for a weekend, but that rarely happened. This was while I was still a child.

During my teens and early 20's I didn't have a solid connection with my siblings. They were getting married, having kids and I was in college and in my 20's...partying, having a great time with friends. I would babysit my nieces/nephews, play softball, canoe/rafting trips, euchre parties with some of them. One of my sisters and I did live together briefly when I was in my mid twenties and she in her 40's. And my one of my brothers did help me get a job at his place of employment, but even my friend/coworkers commented on how distant we were.

Fast forward to 2004-2005, my dad (late 60's) was having major health problems, dementia and heart issues, my mom and I were the only ones by his side. The sister I lived with was there for us a little, but his own children were not. I lost my father at 69, way too young, and I remember one of my brothers (his son) calling me asking what he should do? I told him, "He's your dad, you shouldn't have to ask me what to do." The other brother (also his son) didn't show up to his funeral. He told me "My dad wasn't there for me." The funeral was the last time I saw my sister and brother on my dad's side.

Moving ahead to more recently, my mother (mid 80's) started having health troubles and for about a year was in and out of the hospital. I should mention here that the sister I lived with and I tried to bond as siblings about a year prior and it was so uncomfortable. She said she knew she hadn't been the best sister and wanted to try harder. I remember there was a brief time I felt like we were making progress. It got to where my mom could no longer care for herself in her own home, so my two sisters (her daughters) and myself began to stay with her. My two sisters were both retired and would stay with her on rotation and I would stay with her during the weekend. It really took it's toll on us, my sisters especially. We are not caregivers. We love our mother dearly but we don't know how to properly care for her physically. It was during this time when the sister I was happily reconnecting with was staying with my mom and a storm hit. It damaged my moms house. She was pretty upset. My sister asked if I could come stay with mom. I couldn't, I was out of town dog sitting. My sister got so upset with me, saying I cared more about "those dogs" than my own mother. That was the end of our sister bonding experience. She was verbally abusive to me and I told her to never contact me unless it was an emergency about mom. During this time my mom was in and out of the hospital and I would have to ask my sisters about mom's health or I would hear it third hand through my sister-in-law (my mom's son's wife). But yet, my sister whom I told not to contact me unless it was an emergency contacted me to return a DVD player she lent me. What??? Sorry, that sequence of events got a little messy...moving on...

My mom's health was failing so my two sisters made the decision to move my mom to a care facility. She was in a total of three, the final one is wonderful. I guess this where is spirals downhill for me. As you read above, my sisters made this decision, without me. They visited various facilities, without me. I tried to get involved, but it just never seemed to work out. They were visiting during the week. When I told them I could take vacation time, they didn't even consider it. I really felt left out. And after things settled down for my mom I mentioned it to her. She must have said something to my sister and she went off on me. Telling me "Mom can't tell the difference between the phone and the remote control and you're going to accuse her of intentionally leaving you out?" I corrected her, saying it wasn't mom. But she wouldn't hear it.

My mom is comfy in her new "home" at an assisted living facility. But still the drama is unfolding. She had to sell her house. My sister's (and their spouses) doing most of the work. I had decades of storage in the basement I removed and promised my mom I would donate her pantry items to a local food bank. That was a lot of work as she had a huge pantry in the basement, etc. As far as prepping her house for sale, again, I felt as though my siblings excluded me, going over to work and not telling me. I was asking them what I could do to help. I'd go over on the weekend or after work and rip up carpet, wash the windows. But, they did the bulk of the work. Ultimately clearing the house I grew up in off all my mom's contents. It makes me sick. It went on the market Friday and nobody said anything to me. My mom told me yesterday. This morning I sent a text to my sister, thanking her for all the work everyone did on the house and asked her to pass my thanks on to everyone else that helped. The reply I received was three smiley faces.

See, I told you that would be lengthy.

I guess what I'm struggling with is...am I fighting for something that isn't there? It almost seems my moms siblings don't want to have a relationship with me. I feel since we share blood the bond should be stronger. Who knows what reasons they have. I'm pretty sure there is some resentment from childhood. I grew up in a loving home, a happy home, without divorce. They did not. I don't know, I'm trying to figure it all out and I'm exhausted. We obviously don't communicate with other very well. And, I guess by me thanking them for their help, it's kind of like a farewell. Any interaction I have with them causes me grief and stress.

Thank you for reading, sorry it was sooooo long. I welcome any and all feedback. Please, I'd love (and need) to hear your responses. I can't make sense of it but perhaps outsiders looking in can!
Meeshell

[Skeezyks]

Hello Meeshell: This appears to be your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

With regard to your post, I'm afraid I'm probably not the best member, here on PC, to be offering advice with regard to the situation you describe. I was an only child who grew up, many years ago, in a quite elderly extended family. Among the relatives I grew up with, the next youngest member to me was my mother. And she was older when I came along! I spent a good share of my childhood going to one funeral after another as they all died off. Consequently, I don't have a lot of experience with family issues. Now it's just my wife & I.

A number of years ago, I participated in a partial hospital program. And one thing they told us was: "Don't should on yourself." You feel as though since you & your half-siblings "share blood" you should share a stronger bond. But the fact is... it's not there. Why? Well... you mentioned some possible reasons yourself. But the fact is... there's really no way to know for sure. So the best thing I can suggest is to simply let this all go & move forward with your own life. "Don't look in the rearview mirror. You're not going that direction." And, if you find you simply cannot accomplish this on your own, then consider seeking the services of a therapist with whom you can process what you have experienced & how you feel about it.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Meeshellmybelle]

Thanks for the welcome, Skeezyks, and the reply. I like your quote "Don't should on yourself." It's so simple in theory but it's easier said than done. I don't know why I'm having trouble moving on. Perhaps because I'm single and have few friends I feel that I need to keep things open in case I need them. But even if I did need help I would probably contact my friend first.

I'm looking forward to posting, reading and sharing with others.

I can't wait to chat in real time, that's my fav!

[divine1966]

It sounds really rough and painful. I am sorry. I don't think you can change these people and the best you can do it just accept sad reality. They sound toxic. Unfortunately it often happens in extended families especially if there was divorce. I hope you have other things in your life that you can enjoy so you can move on. Send you hugs

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Meeshellmybelle]

Originally Posted by divine1966

It sounds really rough and painful. I am sorry. I don't think you can change these people and the best you can do it just accept sad reality. They sound toxic. Unfortunately it often happens in extended families especially if there was divorce. I hope you have other things in your life that you can enjoy so you can move on. Send you hugs

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hi Divine1966, thank you for your reply. You are correct, they are toxic. I used to have other things in my life, but I've put so much time dwelling on how things got so screwed up, what the heck happened, how could I have been a better sister, how do I do the right thing, are my actions going to upset the others, needing to get permission, that I've let the things I enjoy slip away. I need my life back, desperately. The support here and the message boards are wonderful. Sometimes it helps to hear others say what I've thought to myself for a long time. Vindication!

Meeshell

[Meeshellmybelle]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello Meeshell: This appears to be your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

With regard to your post, I'm afraid I'm probably not the best member, here on PC, to be offering advice with regard to the situation you describe. I was an only child who grew up, many years ago, in a quite elderly extended family. Among the relatives I grew up with, the next youngest member to me was my mother. And she was older when I came along! I spent a good share of my childhood going to one funeral after another as they all died off. Consequently, I don't have a lot of experience with family issues. Now it's just my wife & I.

A number of years ago, I participated in a partial hospital program. And one thing they told us was: "Don't should on yourself." You feel as though since you & your half-siblings "share blood" you should share a stronger bond. But the fact is... it's not there. Why? Well... you mentioned some possible reasons yourself. But the fact is... there's really no way to know for sure. So the best thing I can suggest is to simply let this all go & move forward with your own life. "Don't look in the rearview mirror. You're not going that direction." And, if you find you simply cannot accomplish this on your own, then consider seeking the services of a therapist with whom you can process what you have experienced & how you feel about it.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Thank you, Skeezyks. I replied earlier this afternoon but now I can't find that reply. Anyway I agree with what you're saying. Looking forward is so much more refreshing than looking back. I've been living in the past way, way, way to long. Time to set some new goals and put me first sans toxicity.

[jimmy rich]

IMO and experience, all sibling problems start out as bad/inadequate parenting problems in which the inadequate parents FAIL to model and teach love and respect within their family so the kids will be negatively affected by such bad parenting. That's how it was in my family!

Originally Posted by Meeshellmybelle

I did not go to either of my parent's funerals and never wanted to once I remembered how bad things were in my childhood. Us kids are not close and I am not close with any of my relatives all because our parents failed to train us to be loving, friendly and loyal to anyone in our families.

Things like that happened in our family ALL BECAUSE our parents failed to instill and promote love and respect in their family when we were little and open to a proper upbringing. It's sad to see how our parents (and yours) blew it all and then suffered in their last years due to their earlier parenting FAILURES!

They were never given a chance to relate to you due to very bad and inadequate parenting which FAILED to promote love and respect amongst the kids there. Same thing happened in our family thanks to very bad parenting!

That is a childish myth. Conditioning, programming, early bonding and role modeling will ALWAYS be stronger and longer lasting than "blood bonding" (whatever that is?)

It's not about "reasoning". It's about FEELINGS. They were never allowed or shown how to FEEL love and respect for you (and maybe each other) so the childhood resentments are the sorry byproduct of inadequate parental conditioning which FAILED to teach them to love and respect you so, "resentment" just naturally occurred. They may have seen you as a threat or an unwelcome intruder.

IMO, you are in Denial. None of you were raised by healthy parents which is why none of you were given the conditioning to love and accept each other.

You don't communicate well because your parents failed to teach any of you how! Since your parents failed so badly, this will continue to cause you grief and stress UNLESS some of you seek help to overcome the sad conditioning your parents inflicted upon all of you and very few folks are willing to go for help.

Thank you for reading, sorry it was sooooo long. I welcome any and all feedback. Please, I'd love (and need) to hear your responses. I can't make sense of it but perhaps outsiders looking in can!
Meeshell

Based on being raised in a similar family, all of what you wrote makes perfect sense to me and I've made a few efforts to get closer to my siblings and a few other family members but it very hard to blast through the deep conditioning and programming our parents instill in us from early on and most folks cannot or will not even look at it let alone seek some solutions to how badly their parents damaged them so long ago. Most folks just go along with the program and assume their parents were good and right so how dare I or anyone suggest that their perfect parents made any mistakes. Well, my parents made a LOT OF MISTAKES and us 3 kids have suffered from them for many, many years!

Hi Divine1966, thank you for your reply. You are correct, they are toxic.

That may be true but it usually starts with toxic parenting which produces toxic kids. I'd blame the real villains here - the TOXIC PARENTS!

I used to have other things in my life, but I've put so much time dwelling on how things got so screwed up, what the heck happened, how could I have been a better sister, how do I do the right thing, are my actions going to upset the others, needing to get permission, that I've let the things I enjoy slip away.

I hope you can see how inadequate parenting set all of that up for you and the others and that the only way out is to somehow reversed that bad parenting and get back to love and respect within the family. The only way you could have been a "better sister" was by being TAUGHT HOW - by your parents or someone else.

I need my life back, desperately. The support here and the message boards are wonderful. Sometimes it helps to hear others say what I've thought to myself for a long time. Vindication!

IMO, vindication can only follow UNDERSTANDING and understanding how my parents messed us kids up was the beginning of both vindication and HEALING from the emotional wounds our parents left us with.

Time to set some new goals and put me first sans toxicity.

I'd say that begins with realizing what bad parenting did to all of you. After I faced what our parents did to all of us and what had been done ot our parents, the way out became clear = learn to put more love and respect into my life and let go of the contempt, stupidity, ignorance, fear and unloving that our very sick parents had dumped on us when we had no defense. It's up to me to make and have a happy life from now on and I'm going there, ASAP.
good luck,

[Meeshellmybelle]

Wow, thanks for your insight, Jimmy. I will definitely take all of it into consideration while on my road to recovery.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Meeshellmybelle

Hello, I'm new and not sure if this is the correct place to post. I'm having family issues with my half siblings.

Let' see, a little (but will probably be lengthy) background...I hope I can be clear and concise...

I'm a 47yr old female, the only child between my mother and father. Both of my parents were married and divorced prior to their marriage to each other and had three children. My dad, two sons and a daughter, my mom, two daughters and a son. My half siblings are all considerably older than me, my oldest sister on my moms side is 67, my youngest brother on my dads side is 57.

Plain and simple, I was raised an only child. My siblings did not live with my parents and I, they were either attending college or were living with their other parent. I would see them occasionally throughout the year, Christmas, extended family picnics, weddings, funerals, etc. For a while, my oldest sister was a bit of a second mother to me, taking care of me when my parents would go away for a weekend, but that rarely happened. This was while I was still a child.

During my teens and early 20's I didn't have a solid connection with my siblings. They were getting married, having kids and I was in college and in my 20's...partying, having a great time with friends. I would babysit my nieces/nephews, play softball, canoe/rafting trips, euchre parties with some of them. One of my sisters and I did live together briefly when I was in my mid twenties and she in her 40's. And my one of my brothers did help me get a job at his place of employment, but even my friend/coworkers commented on how distant we were.

Fast forward to 2004-2005, my dad (late 60's) was having major health problems, dementia and heart issues, my mom and I were the only ones by his side. The sister I lived with was there for us a little, but his own children were not. I lost my father at 69, way too young, and I remember one of my brothers (his son) calling me asking what he should do? I told him, "He's your dad, you shouldn't have to ask me what to do." The other brother (also his son) didn't show up to his funeral. He told me "My dad wasn't there for me." The funeral was the last time I saw my sister and brother on my dad's side.

Moving ahead to more recently, my mother (mid 80's) started having health troubles and for about a year was in and out of the hospital. I should mention here that the sister I lived with and I tried to bond as siblings about a year prior and it was so uncomfortable. She said she knew she hadn't been the best sister and wanted to try harder. I remember there was a brief time I felt like we were making progress. It got to where my mom could no longer care for herself in her own home, so my two sisters (her daughters) and myself began to stay with her. My two sisters were both retired and would stay with her on rotation and I would stay with her during the weekend. It really took it's toll on us, my sisters especially. We are not caregivers. We love our mother dearly but we don't know how to properly care for her physically. It was during this time when the sister I was happily reconnecting with was staying with my mom and a storm hit. It damaged my moms house. She was pretty upset. My sister asked if I could come stay with mom. I couldn't, I was out of town dog sitting. My sister got so upset with me, saying I cared more about "those dogs" than my own mother. That was the end of our sister bonding experience. She was verbally abusive to me and I told her to never contact me unless it was an emergency about mom. During this time my mom was in and out of the hospital and I would have to ask my sisters about mom's health or I would hear it third hand through my sister-in-law (my mom's son's wife). But yet, my sister whom I told not to contact me unless it was an emergency contacted me to return a DVD player she lent me. What??? Sorry, that sequence of events got a little messy...moving on...

My mom's health was failing so my two sisters made the decision to move my mom to a care facility. She was in a total of three, the final one is wonderful. I guess this where is spirals downhill for me. As you read above, my sisters made this decision, without me. They visited various facilities, without me. I tried to get involved, but it just never seemed to work out. They were visiting during the week. When I told them I could take vacation time, they didn't even consider it. I really felt left out. And after things settled down for my mom I mentioned it to her. She must have said something to my sister and she went off on me. Telling me "Mom can't tell the difference between the phone and the remote control and you're going to accuse her of intentionally leaving you out?" I corrected her, saying it wasn't mom. But she wouldn't hear it.

My mom is comfy in her new "home" at an assisted living facility. But still the drama is unfolding. She had to sell her house. My sister's (and their spouses) doing most of the work. I had decades of storage in the basement I removed and promised my mom I would donate her pantry items to a local food bank. That was a lot of work as she had a huge pantry in the basement, etc. As far as prepping her house for sale, again, I felt as though my siblings excluded me, going over to work and not telling me. I was asking them what I could do to help. I'd go over on the weekend or after work and rip up carpet, wash the windows. But, they did the bulk of the work. Ultimately clearing the house I grew up in off all my mom's contents. It makes me sick. It went on the market Friday and nobody said anything to me. My mom told me yesterday. This morning I sent a text to my sister, thanking her for all the work everyone did on the house and asked her to pass my thanks on to everyone else that helped. The reply I received was three smiley faces.

See, I told you that would be lengthy.

I guess what I'm struggling with is...am I fighting for something that isn't there? It almost seems my moms siblings don't want to have a relationship with me. I feel since we share blood the bond should be stronger. Who knows what reasons they have. I'm pretty sure there is some resentment from childhood. I grew up in a loving home, a happy home, without divorce. They did not. I don't know, I'm trying to figure it all out and I'm exhausted. We obviously don't communicate with other very well. And, I guess by me thanking them for their help, it's kind of like a farewell. Any interaction I have with them causes me grief and stress.

Thank you for reading, sorry it was sooooo long. I welcome any and all feedback. Please, I'd love (and need) to hear your responses. I can't make sense of it but perhaps outsiders looking in can!
Meeshell

Hi Meeshell,

Wanted to say, Welcome to PC. I can relate a bit about feeling disconnected from a half sib. I'm the oldest between myself and a half sister, a 16 year difference. I grew up an only, how bizarre needing to exclaim "grew up an only", I am the only child between my mom and dad. Dad remarried when I was 15 and after him having custody since divorce when I was 9/10 , about a month before my sister was born he sent me off to live my mom who was remarried no kids between her and my stepdad.
Things were bitter between ny father and I after that. There's really no connection between her and I, even all these years later.
It really stinks because like you wrote, blood is blood, why isn't the bond naturally occurring? *sigh*

I'm at peace with it. I'm sharing about me to let you know I can relate to what you are saying.



"Investigate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

[Meeshellmybelle]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Hi Meeshell,

Wanted to say, Welcome to PC. I can relate a bit about feeling disconnected from a half sib. I'm the oldest between myself and a half sister, a 16 year difference. I grew up an only, how bizarre needing to exclaim "grew up an only", I am the only child between my mom and dad. Dad remarried when I was 15 and after him having custody since divorce when I was 9/10 , about a month before my sister was born he sent me off to live my mom who was remarried no kids between her and my stepdad.
Things were bitter between ny father and I after that. There's really no connection between her and I, even all these years later.
It really stinks because like you wrote, blood is blood, why isn't the bond naturally occurring? *sigh*

I'm at peace with it. I'm sharing about me to let you know I can relate to what you are saying.



"Investigate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

Hi Healingme4me, thanks for sharing. It really has helped knowing I'm not alone.