[menthapulegium]

My problem is that I've lied to my girlfriend (girl A) in the beginning of our relationship about another girl (girl B) that I had been dating for 3 years and was still technically in a relationship with girl B that was fading for months before I even met girl A. I had broken it off with girl B during my time with girl A and girl B found out about this. She ended up hacking into my social media accounts and talked to girl A about what a terrible person I am and that I've cheated twice in the relationship with girl B and that I have lied. I have come clean with myself that I was a horrible person in that relationship and I ended up going to therapy sessions to figure things out for myself. Girl B had contacted me multiple times since the incident over the phone to clear everything up to come to peace with each other and to come to full closure and in the end we ended all conversation for good, which I had told girl A the full open and honest details of our talks with each other. This all happened about 5 months ago. I understood the reasoning of why I acted as I did in the relationship with girl B and that is because we weren't compatible from the beginning and I was always looking for changes in the first few months. The reason it dragged on for so long is because we began the relationship from a distance and when we were together I thought things could change and it could grow into something I wanted, but it was never happening. I was weak and didn't break things off when I should have from the start, but I didn't know exactly what I wanted. Girl A knows this and we ended up working through things and we spent most of our summer together very happily but of course with some occasional doubts in her mind. I've come to an extreme realization what I want out of a relationship and the type of deep connection and commitment to oneself and each other to make things work after I had met girl A. I have been fully open and given her full power, respect, honesty, love, and care. Aside from the problem in the beginning, which I know is a very large issue, we have fully gotten along without any arguments or other issues and I know both inside and out of the relationship I can call her a best friend. As of the past few weeks, girl A has been indecisive about our relationship and to my knowledge it's because of the trust issue as well as seeing me in a different light from my previous broken relationship. Just a few days ago she had broken up with me to have space and says we can be friends when she is ready and doesn't want to say no to a possibility of a future relationship because we might be able to start from a new base instead of building on something that was broken. I put my trust in her and i know she is being sincere, but I am at a loss of what to do to possibly make her feel comfortable and safe with me. I've told her in totality what I am capable of as a person, how I have learned and grown, and why things are different for me in our relationship compared to any other. I don't just tell her these things, but I've been taking action with my words. I take deep meditative thought if it is worth it for the both of us from my end and it is a definite yes. I know I have to focus on improving myself first and that's something I've been doing. She just left for a mission trip without internet or a phone so it forces us into not talking for a week and that could possibly extend out when she comes back. I am respectful of her space and I will give it to her but I don't know if I should try to communicate if too much time goes by, whatever that may be. I know it's a possibility that I could have lost her forever and that's not one I want to ever think about since she is absolutely unique to anyone I've ever met and I've been and will continue to put in all the energy it takes to make things right for the both of us. I am not one of those horror stories of once a liar/cheater, always one. I've been doing a lot of reading over this but I believe it's until you know with certainty and you have found exactly what you are looking for when your life perspective will completely change. When I had met girl A, she connected with and understood me in a very short period of time, which is something I never fully felt in my previous relationship. Unfortunately for me, I carried baggage when I did find the one I was looking for. I guess I am posting this to get any opinion on what to do or anything I can possibly be doing to mend things. Thanks

[Skeezyks]

Hello menthapulegium: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

With regard to your post, I would simply say that from my perspective, in the whole scheme of things, this all simply is not something to get all worked over. It was an unfortunate way to have this relationship begin. But these were simply boyfriend / girlfriend relationships. It's not like you were formally engaged... or even married. I would have to say, if this young woman leaves you as a result of this, it's probably for the best before things go any further.

Long term relationships are tough to maintain. So if your lady decides to bail over this, perhaps there was simply not that strong a commitment to begin with. I know these sorts of situations can seem like a big deal to young people. And I am an old person. So I suppose I have a different perspective. To me, if the two of you were to try to make a life together, this is simply not the biggest hurdle the two of you will face in your lives. What's important is that you be honest, open & true to one another from here on.

I think all you can do at this juncture is to wait & see what happens. Certainly, when the opportunity arises, it seems to me it would be appropriate to send along a friendly message. You don't want her to think you're no longer interested, or that you've given up & moved on. But don't hover either. And if, at some point, she says it's over & she asks you to stop contacting her then, sad to say, you're done.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[menthapulegium]

Is there any way to rebuild trust aside from keeping true to myself and my word or is it feasible to start on a new foot after the time requested off? I'm absolutely devastated about this and it has had a deep negative impact on me, I know I'm young in the scheme of things being just under 30 but it's taken me up to this point in my life to have been able to take a step back and to analyze myself and really look into what I can offer and what I want in a relationship. I have learned a lot out of this relationship that I am absolutely taking into the future with me but our time together has been so perfect that I imagined a beautiful future together. After she had asked for her space and not to talk, I did send her a heartfelt email just before her flight about what I see as a deep and true loving relationship, what I have to offer, and what she truly means to me, and a hope that we can be able to start on a stable and happy ground one day and that I will be waiting for her if she so chooses to speak again. It might be selfish of me to have done so and I am respecting her space and will not contact her again but I couldn't leave off with what was said in our separation in person as I was torn and I'm not sure that I verbalized what I wanted to leave off on. I've just never been so deeply impacted by someone and felt such a deep connection and fascination before. I just want to be able to give her my all and I want to be able to show her what she really means to me through my eyes somehow.